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Fiancé hid chewing tobacco


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This is my first post and I am looking to vent and just gain some perspective. A week ago I learned that my fiancé has been hiding his "occasional" chewing habit. Some background:

 

We have been engaged for 6 months and together 1.5 years. We are literally in the process of finding a place to move in together. The entire time I've known him he has made it clear that he dislikes smoking. Neither of us are or were smokers, and I was under the assumption that that meant he did not like any tobacco/nicotine products. I was stunned to discover that he uses chewing tobacco.

 

Since we still don't live together we still bring items back and forth. One day last week I went looking in his toiletry bag for headache medicine since I know he keeps things like that in there. What I ended up finding was 2 cans of chewing tobacco.

 

As soon as he came home I asked him about it calmly. He admitted that he does it occasionally and he did not become defensive. I was thankful for that. I told him how much it surprised me. He admitted hiding it because he knows it's a dumb and bad habit and that he doesn't do it all the time, just on and off and only at night.

 

I felt better after we talked, but over the next few days I had more questions. We don't see each other every day so I didn't bring these questions up over the phone. The next time I saw him, he spent 20 minutes in the bathroom before bed - something he's always done since I've known him. I began to wonder if that time is just to chew tobacco. He said it helps him sleep at night.

 

Right after he came to bed I asked him about the nightly bathroom ritual and if he uses that time to chew. He said no. I again told him that all of this was still bothering me. He does not see it as a big deal and that he can go 6 months or a year without doing it, and then he'll pick it up here and there.

 

He claims to not be addicted, but he's done this on and off since he was a teenager - he's now 45. In addition to my shock, I am trying to reason if this is an addiction. He swears it's not.

 

Later that night my dog needed to go out in the middle of the night. As I was up I used the bathroom that he was in prior to bed. And saw tobacco pieces in the sink. I then looked in the cabinet and found a spit bottle. I felt like he lied to me just hours earlier.

 

In the morning I told him that I felt like he lied and we talked again. He still doesn't see a big issue with all of this.

 

All of this has brought up an insecurity in me. My ex-husband hid things from me and this chewing revelation scares me that he can hide other things. However, he has NEVER given me reasons to not trust him prior to this. We are extremely compatible and he means the world to me. I feel very hurt that he hid this and lied after I talked to him.

 

I'm sure people are wondering how I never saw any signs, but there hasn't been any. No spit cups, no tobacco in his teeth, no smell on his breath. Nothing prior to this, except his bathroom use at night. But with his 2 small boys I know that that can be time to himself.

 

I don't know if I'm overreacting on this. I keep thinking about it but don't want to harp on him about it. I'm not asking him to quit, I'm aware that he has to want to do that himself, and I don't think he wants to. I don't know how much of an addiction this is, but I know how very addicting nicotine is.

 

I don't know how to move past this without building resentment and how to not wonder when/if he's doing it.

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I'm kinda surprised you couldn't TASTE it on him when you kiss....

 

Personally, I find the whole concept disgusting. The bigger issue, however, is that he is lying to you. THAT is what needs to be discussed. Then you can deal with the addiction.

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Would you have been OK with him chewing if he told you? I'm trying to figure out if this is a 1 or 2 issue problem. The lying is clearly a problem, especially since your EX lied. If you can get past the chewing, tell him that, then discuss the lying. Meanwhile, don't move in together & postpone the wedding until these issues are resolved.

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I'm kinda surprised you couldn't TASTE it on him when you kiss....

 

Personally, I find the whole concept disgusting. The bigger issue, however, is that he is lying to you. THAT is what needs to be discussed. Then you can deal with the addiction.

 

I've never tasted it on him, and we intimately kiss all the time. That's one thing that supports his claim of not always doing it. He said that he just recently started up again. I want to believe him but I'm not sure if I do.

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Would you have been OK with him chewing if he told you? I'm trying to figure out if this is a 1 or 2 issue problem. The lying is clearly a problem, especially since your EX lied. If you can get past the chewing, tell him that, then discuss the lying. Meanwhile, don't move in together & postpone the wedding until these issues are resolved.

 

I'm still trying to figure that out, if I'd be ok with him telling me. He knew that smoking is something that I don't want in a partner. Chewing disgusts me and the addictive factor and health concerns are what bother me. To me, chewing is on par with smoking, but not to him. But the hiding and lying has hurt the most.

 

If he's being truthful on how little he claims to do it I can probably get past it. But as I told him, it was a logical jump for me to assume he's chewing every night in the bathroom if he lied about that one night. I don't know what to believe right now.

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I'm not justifying the lying but here's the thing: he probably suspected that you would freak out on him about that chewing so he hid it.

 

It's a bad sign because like you said, if he's hiding that, what else could he be hiding?

 

You need to figure out if you factored into his bad decision & see if you need to address your own reactions before you talk to him.

 

If chewing is a deal breaker you really have to call off the wedding sooner rather than later.

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The lying, addiction and health concerns are all real valid concerns.

 

He is addicted, duh.. and no he can't just quit.. it is a physical addiction that is driving it and his emotional addiction won't let him quit, he will need will power and some help if he is going to quit for good.

 

His dental issues are of a real concern too, he will lose many of his teeth as he gets older, gum recession and periodontal disease are also in his near future.

 

Cancer..

 

at 45 he should quit... if he doesn't tell him to take a hike...

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I know he's embarrassed about the chewing, and he says that's the reason he never wanted to advertise it. Overall he lives a healthy lifestyle, we eat well and exercise. I'm stunned that he doesn't think that chewing is that bad. But again, according to him, he doesn't do it often at all. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a daily thing.

 

I don't think I'm at the point of this being a deal breaker yet. We've had a wonderful relationship thus far. He's the most compassionate, kind, and loving man I've ever met. He's an amazing father. He meets and exceeds my emotional and physical needs. We've worked through any bumps really well together until this and we've made a great team. I do want to spend my life with this man.

 

I signed up for this website because I know I need to work through my own feelings and reactions on this. It takes me awhile to process things and I can dwell on things. I figured writing it out would help get it off my chest. I will keep talking to him about it, but I wanted some extra input and the ability to vent and I am embarrassed to go to my friends and family with this.

 

I'm happy to support him if he is ready to quit, but I know he's not ready right now. I've told him that I don't want any lying and hiding with this, or anything else, though.

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The other way that I'm trying to put this into context (or maybe I'm just rationalizing, I don't know) is that no one is perfect. Yes he hid this and lied, but he was also very candid when I approached to him. If he had denied or gotten angry and defensive, that would be worse to me.

 

We also drink regularly, not to the point of any concern, but it's another legal substance that is not great overall. I would be a lot more alarmed if what he hid was illegal or along the lines of porn addiction (something that my ex husband hid).

 

He can also clearly go all day long without chewing - I have known some people severely addicted to it and they went around chewing and carrying spit cups everywhere. Without a doubt that would be way less tolerable to me. Even though we aren't living together yet we spend a LOT of time together and there's no way he could hide it if he was doing it all day every day.

 

But besides this issue right now, he's pretty damn perfect to me.

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He can also clearly go all day long without chewing -

 

How do you know that ? you didn't even know he was a chewer to begin with and you are engaged to him.

 

I'd hazzard a guess and say he is addicted beyond being able to put it down, of course he is embarrassed.. but that doesn't mean he isn't addicted..

 

Make him a deal and see if he will stop for 60 days... and then watch him, hopefully he will make it..

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A week ago I learned that my fiancé has been hiding his "occasional" chewing habit.

 

What I ended up finding was 2 cans of chewing tobacco.

 

He admitted hiding it because he knows it's a dumb and bad habit and that he doesn't do it all the time, just on and off and only at night.

 

This is what.. occasional ?

he spent 20 minutes in the bathroom before bed - something he's always done since I've known him. I began to wonder if that time is just to chew tobacco. He said it helps him sleep at night.
This is addicted

He claims to not be addicted, but he's done this on and off since he was a teenager - he's now 45.

 

 

And saw tobacco pieces in the sink. I then looked in the cabinet and found a spit bottle. I felt like he lied to me just hours earlier.

 

Someone who does it occasionally doesn't have 2 cans.. you do know they have an expiration date on them and after opening a can it is only good for less that a week.. they also don't keep a spit cup in the cabinet if they only do it occasionally.

 

He has been using an addictive substance for over 30 years.. that is an addiction.

 

Do you also know that life insurance and health insurance is double for a smoker.. which is what he is considered since it is nicotine.

 

I don't mean to crank down on you about this, you love the guy and see a future but you need to know that your attitude is what is known as enabling behavior for someone with an addiction.

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skydiveaddict
This is what.. occasional ?

This is addicted

 

Someone who does it occasionally doesn't have 2 cans..

 

Yes we do. What if you lose a can?

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Yes we do. What if you lose a can?

 

you buy another, if you aren't addicted you don't need that standby extra..

 

freshness is everything too.. a can with an older date is no way near the same as a freshly dated can...

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The point I was trying to make with that was that he was using it faster than he was trying to tell her he was.. more than occasionally, if he has 2 cans then the second can was ready to be used as the freshness counts...

 

If he was planning on using that second can next month it will already be no good...

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I do see all of your points, Art_Critic. I did not know about the expiration dates either. Both cans were open, I checked when I found them.

 

I don't think that asking him to quit for x days/weeks is a good approach though. That's not something he should do for me. If he doesn't want to do it for himself he'll end up starting again.

 

Right now I think I just need to move forward with my eyes open and communicate with him. But I don't want to feel like I'm paranoid every time he's in the bathroom and I don't want to be looking for evidence everywhere all the time. I fear that that would make him hide it further. I'm not his mom to police his every move.

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You are right and it is a good approach, you should put the relationship first right now but also understand that at his age there aren't too many years left before his medical/dental issues start popping up...

 

I know when I quit I had gotten tired of being tied to that can and tired of having my head spin if I didn't have a dip..and it is a tough addiction.. even now almost 15 years later I feel the tug...

 

Good Luck...

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He knows he does it. You know he does it. He knows you know he does it. You've communicated your displeasure with the habit, presumably. He, now, armed with this interaction, can make a choice, as can you.

 

I have one recent anecdote which didn't end well which may or may not be indicative of how things can go here. A female friend, for years, surely enjoyed her wine with a meal and liked to go out to clubs, sometimes with her H and sometimes with her girlfriends. Over time, I'd often see her 'disappear' when we were together socially (she was my exW best girlfriend) and then reappear. We came to understand she had a drinking problem but she hid it really well. In later years, I could see it weighing on her husband and it is what ultimately led to their divorce, this after a couple of interventions and time in an in-patient de-tox. She died in January of this year, of alcohol-related organ failure, at the age of 49, leaving a 19 yo son behind, in addition to her exH and family.

 

Some people make it and some don't. It's unknown which side of the ledger your fiance will fall on. What we do know is he has a habit of using this substance, fully aware of its health effects and of your displeasure with his use. He has information and has choices. What choices he makes today are known. What choices he makes tomorrow are unknown. Best wishes in your choices.

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Thank you for all of the input.

 

Carhill, yes he does know my stance on the matter, that I don't like it, and I don't like that he does it, but also that I can't make him quit if he doesn't want to quit yet. He knows of my disappointment over the hiding and lying, and he knows of the insecurity that this has brought up from my past marriage (we are both divorced, FYI).

 

He also knows that I love him dearly. He is the love of my life. I care about his health and well being, and I want us both to set good examples for his 2 small boys.

 

I've spent the past 2 days straight with him at my place. Ever since I found the 2 cans, he has not brought any more to my place. I have checked his bag just out of curiosity but I don't plan to continually snoop. We were together the entire day on both days and I did check his coat pockets, also out of curiosity.

 

He's never displayed any suspect behaviors while we are together during the day, and he did not these past 2 days. We also kiss all the time throughout the day and evening and there's never any indications that he's chewing intermittently during the day. I do believe him when he says he's not carrying it around and chewing throughout the day. The signs just aren't there.

 

I know it's only a few days and he could just be on his best behavior since he was caught, but I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt unless he shows otherwise.

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The thing with addiction is that it ebbs and flows. An addiction may not always be manifested by behavior that we commonly view as out of control addiction, like chewing all day long or chain smoking. You also have to realize that those with addictions are commonly expert liars and have learned to manipulate things in order to keep fueling the addiction without being noticed. Many times, you get so used to lying that it simply becomes normal for you, and you don't understand why others view it as dishonesty.

 

I'm not labeling your fiance by any means because I don't know him or his past in depth. I'm just saying to keep these things in mind because tobacco is a notoriously tough addiction to break, and it's difficult to maintain a tobacco free life. There may well be some people who can occasionally use tobacco like many of us use occasionally use alcohol. May your fiance is one of them. I've known several people who used to smoke but switched to chewing.

 

There are tobacco cessation programs he can get involved in, but he has to really want to stop for good. It's not easy by any means, and most people fall off the wagon, only to get back on many times in their lives. If he can't put it down cold turkey and walk away, then he has a problem with it. I think the biggest mistake you can make is to sweep this under the rug and go along with the mentality that he can handle this himself. Because I can almost guarantee you that this problem will pop up again if given enough time.

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The thing with addiction is that it ebbs and flows. An addiction may not always be manifested by behavior that we commonly view as out of control addiction, like chewing all day long or chain smoking. You also have to realize that those with addictions are commonly expert liars and have learned to manipulate things in order to keep fueling the addiction without being noticed. Many times, you get so used to lying that it simply becomes normal for you, and you don't understand why others view it as dishonesty.

 

I'm not labeling your fiance by any means because I don't know him or his past in depth. I'm just saying to keep these things in mind because tobacco is a notoriously tough addiction to break, and it's difficult to maintain a tobacco free life. There may well be some people who can occasionally use tobacco like many of us use occasionally use alcohol. May your fiance is one of them. I've known several people who used to smoke but switched to chewing.

 

There are tobacco cessation programs he can get involved in, but he has to really want to stop for good. It's not easy by any means, and most people fall off the wagon, only to get back on many times in their lives. If he can't put it down cold turkey and walk away, then he has a problem with it. I think the biggest mistake you can make is to sweep this under the rug and go along with the mentality that he can handle this himself. Because I can almost guarantee you that this problem will pop up again if given enough time.

 

I think this is what I am struggling with - how can I not sweep this under the rug yet not keep hounding him about it. He doesn't think he has a problem or a frequency of use issue, so he's not willing to seek help. I can't push him to get help, so other than voicing my concerns to him and offering my support if he wants to stop for good, I don't see what else I can do at all.

 

I don't want to give him an ultimatum, it's not to that point for me. I plan to ask him about it every now and then and keep the communication open, and he knows that. I feel that if I'm constantly berating him about it or questioning him that he'll keep it further under wraps or become resentful with me.

 

I know occasional smokers and I know many more occasional drinkers (myself included). I don't think that drinking is any better of a habit. Nothing has been hidden about drinking, but overall I do think it's much more socially acceptable as a habit.

 

My fiance's past, as a character, is one of integrity. He left his ex-wife when he discovered her affair, that was inexcusable to him. He has devoted the past 4 years to being the best single dad to his boys that he can be. Being a good dad is the most important thing to him, and he showed that by taking things very slowly with introducing me into their lives (after several months of us dating and establishing exclusivity).

 

This is why I signed up here on a relationship site instead of just a tobacco/addiction site because I'm trying not to define his character solely on this poor decision of hiding his chewing. It has definitely thrown me a curveball though.

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He may be able to use it occasionally. I wouldn't issue an ultimatum because it usually results in more pushback from the person. You have to decide if you are okay with it or not and if it's worth leaving or not. Basically, are you willing to leave him if he continued chewing? Is it something you can live with?

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skydiveaddict

 

If he was planning on using that second can next month it will already be no good...

 

No no. Unopened they stay useable longer than that.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I'm still trying to figure that out, if I'd be ok with him telling me. He knew that smoking is something that I don't want in a partner. Chewing disgusts me and the addictive factor and health concerns are what bother me. To me, chewing is on par with smoking, but not to him. But the hiding and lying has hurt the most.

 

If he's being truthful on how little he claims to do it I can probably get past it. But as I told him, it was a logical jump for me to assume he's chewing every night in the bathroom if he lied about that one night. I don't know what to believe right now.

 

I have to say, if this is the WORST habit he has, thank your lucky stars.

 

He has hid it from you for a reason - he can tell your displeasure of it. Smoking and chewing are two totally different things.

 

If this is not a deal breaker for you - then leave it alone. If it is, tell him now.

 

Sorry, but in today's world of addiction - drugs and alcohol - to me, this is miniscule and not something I would harp on or throw away a good, loving relationship over. It is his body, his choice. You just have to decide if this is something you can't deal with.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I have to say, if this is the WORST habit he has, thank your lucky stars.

 

He has hid it from you for a reason - he can tell your displeasure of it. Smoking and chewing are two totally different things.

 

If this is not a deal breaker for you - then leave it alone. If it is, tell him now.

 

Sorry, but in today's world of addiction - drugs and alcohol - to me, this is miniscule and not something I would harp on or throw away a good, loving relationship over. It is his body, his choice. You just have to decide if this is something you can't deal with.

Addiction is addiction, it almost doesn't matter what it is. It's the lying and inability to deal with it that's hard to deal with. People that don't face their addiction problems are weak and run to the substance when the going gets tough rather than resolve problems. It's an unhealthy crutch and it's not something to tolerate in your life, IMO.

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