Sister is an addict, can't cope.

[SJC2008]

My sister has been an off an on user for years but now she's mostly on. Went from coke to crack, has even prostituted for it. It hurts to look at her the way she is physically.

 

She lost custody of her son 8 years ago but luckily he's still in the family. We have worried about her ad literal nauseum for these last 8 years.

 

She has been through some horrible things which caused low self esteem and vulnerability. Which in turn lead to being used by scum an she got into drugs.

 

In that regard I hurt for her but I have almost no self esteem too and have dabbled in drugs but I never smoked crack or sold myself.

 

On the other side of things I resent her for the hurt and worry she's caused the family. She has taken a toll on my emotional health for years. I am suicidal (other things too) and am emotionally empty. I even thought it would be better for God to "take her home" to end her suffering and so I can stop worrying about her. How sick is that?

 

About a year after her losing her son I developed a nervous habit where I rub my eyebrows. I have once rubbed them almost completely off. I make an effort to not do it but when I get stressed it comes back.

 

I need to emotionally detach but I Don't know how. I feel guilty about even thinking about that. I am starting to accept the fact thay she's an addict.

 

How do you cope? Does it get better?

Edited November 27, 2014 by SJC2008

[todreaminblue]

there are groups for family members and loved ones of users......narc anon.....it is extremely hard to deal with drug addicts.....have been fro years dealing with them and i cant tell you that it gets any "easier"

 

 

you dont have to agree with what they do......nor do you have to accept it....but you do have to accept them for who they are .....try and think of the traits they had before they started using ......and you just keep at them to get or seek help offer to support them and keep doing and saying things along those lines...its what i do ....havent had a whole lot of luck......

 

the first thing i try to do is tell them you dont need it really......i try to talk them round.....if they are bad on drugs and hard to handle......realize through withdrawals....that you really havent seen how bad they can be, till they try to stop...thats when it is hell...been through hell with hardcore addicts.....violent abusive verbally and sometimes physical...my house ...its copped a hiding........hardcore crap.......most go back to using........i still ....never give up.....and yes i have a sister who uses too.....my oldest daughter....i have had success with..deb

Edited November 27, 2014 by todreaminblue

[beach]

It's important for you to take care of you first.

 

It's not your job to take care of her - she's an adult. The real her is gone for now... The drugs stole the real her.

 

Get busy living. Find solid ways to create space so you don't have to know all the crap she is doing.

 

Detach, yes. Al anon gives good support. Find a good counselor if needed to help you determine a healthy boundary.

 

Hugs

[Dork Vader]

I literally just got home from rehab about 4 hours ago.

 

 

You need to go to NARA-NON meetings just google/bing search NARANON.

 

 

NARANON is essentially a meeting place for the family members of addicts. You will not find any other addicts at the meetings. How ever you WILL meet other people in your situation. These people can offer support and other resources that you can use to help you cope.

 

 

Do not be shy! Talk to people they are friendly, they are nice. You wont be able to relate to all but you will find some who you will relate to.

 

 

I'm an alcoholic, I have 30 days sober at the moment. I wont feed you lies the relapse rate for crack is fairly high (around 97%). It's not hopeless, but you need to understand what is going on. Your sister has to reach her bottom before sobriety will even be a remote chance.

 

 

You can turn the pain you are feeling into a positive thing by getting involved with NARA-NON.

[jellybean89]

As much as you want to help her, you can't. All you can do is put boundaries in place for you. You can't love her to death. I suggest watching the show Intervention. It is on the lifetime channel. She has to reach the decision to quit and it may take more than one attempt at recovery before it 'sticks'. Getting angry at her won't solve the issue. Making her promise to stop won't solve it. You nor your family can do anything except put boundaries in place.

 

I suggest the book "Parents, Don't let your kids kill you". Don't Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin | 9780967979052 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble

 

I realize this is a sibling and not a child; but the same premise goes no matter what the relationship with the addict is.

 

Let her know you love her and will do everything you can to support her while she is in recovery, but you will no longer enable her (letting her borrow money, having a place to crash, etc). It is the most loving thing you can do for her. I can totally relate to wanting God to take her now, so her suffering will end. Addicts aren't bad people; they are sick and need treatment. Unfortunately, people stereotype addicts and that is not helpful to you or to the addict.

 

I agree with finding a support group for you and other family members. The whole family needs to be in treatment.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister is also an addict. She was sexually abused as a child, resulting in Borderline Personality Disorder. She also lost custody of her son to his father. She has always coped in unhealthy ways- bulimia, cutting, alcohol, drugs, suicide attempts. She has put my parents, her ex, and her son through hell. She is a very selfish person, but it's hard to hate her because we know it stems from what a sick pervert did to her.

 

In order for me to detach, I had to stop having any expectations of her. I now see her as an emotionally stunted person, incapable of behaving in the ways I wish she would. I had to accept that she really hates her reality, and that she doesn't want to experience it sober. I accepted that she will die, maybe soon at tragically young age or in 20 years when her liver fails. It's sad, but that's how I detached. I'll always love her, but from a distance. Loving someone who perpetually disappoints and hurts the ones you love isn't easy. I feel for you, I've been there.

[carly75]

I think a professional help might work for your sister, and for you too.

Everything's gonna be okay.