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Never Trust An Addict - True or False?


Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

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Old 22nd August 2017, 8:17 AM   #91
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Well if/since she's still manipulating you and you feel badly about it all its time to tighten the boundary once again.

When do you "stop owing her?" I'd say why keep score?

She may have helped you as a child but what she has done in the recent years doesn't make the past or present ok.

She may be clean but it doesn't appear she has done the work in the program...? Are you sure she's not using again?
Thank you.

If I recall correctly, she came to live with me in 2011, and had been in individual therapy, followed by rehab, followed by partial care post discharge, followed by individual therapy through 2015.

Her Rehab was for Xanax & Hydrocodone in addition to 5-6 other prescription meds. She was cutting herself in-between.

I was seeing a therapist during this time as well in between my job, family/friends, personal life, pets, etc.

(FTR: Rehab was not her choosing, but she said she chose to go for "us").

My Aunt (her sister's home) had Xanax pills disappear on more than one occasion; cash from my Aunt's house went missing on more than one occasion (my mother had access to the home).

In 2015, I vehemently requested she leave, following the loss of an elder pet, an aunt, and her continued shoplifting.

She and my Sister asked if she could stay for a few more months, I said fine.
Finally, my Dad was called in.

My father wants me closer to my immediate family now, which I understand, but I am not happy here as my Mother is still living with me and we are taking care of her financially, and just as the way we were before.

I have found when cleaning the house, her advil on the floor, needles from her diabetic testing unit, rotted bananas, staples, you name it. My elder pet died and my 3 year old pup became sick, all unknown circumstances.

She used my credit card without permission to purchase items she said were for my Birthday, but when I saw the charges on my account, I contacted the creditor and they told me the list of charges, I confronted her with the help of my brother, and she denied it.

The only break from this is me leaving, again, thousands of miles away.
Now she has Cancer, my Dad is older, I'm sure you know the drill.

I am exactly where I started, funny how that works. Evidently.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 1:03 PM   #92
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Why do you have to leave? Who's home is it?
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Old 22nd August 2017, 11:24 PM   #93
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Why do you have to leave? Who's home is it?
It is a rental unit, that I occupy and my mother is living in, paid for via myself and my sibling. I also have a separate property/mortgage to pay for too...

Prior to that, it was a separate rental unit that I was residing in, she came to live with me, and I paid for the rental unit for us, solely.

I want to leave the current rental unit we are residing in, she can stay in it, and I'll just continue paying for it with the help of my siblings. If not that, she can either go live with my Sister (which, I know her family will not approve of)... or, if it becomes available any time soon, senior housing.

Last edited by Divasu; 22nd August 2017 at 11:33 PM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 1:13 AM   #94
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It is a rental unit, that I occupy and my mother is living in, paid for via myself and my sibling. I also have a separate property/mortgage to pay for too...

Prior to that, it was a separate rental unit that I was residing in, she came to live with me, and I paid for the rental unit for us, solely.

I want to leave the current rental unit we are residing in, she can stay in it, and I'll just continue paying for it with the help of my siblings. If not that, she can either go live with my Sister (which, I know her family will not approve of)... or, if it becomes available any time soon, senior housing.
Yes, is make arrangements to get out as soon as possible.

You have to care for your best interest first.

Being in a position of fragility and continuing to be in the presence of any person who's dragging you down is detrimental to your well being!

Do it soon. And please keep us updated.

Be strong - you can do this!
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Old 23rd August 2017, 1:15 AM   #95
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As a side note, based on the info you described, I doubt she's clean/sober.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:54 AM   #96
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Yes, is make arrangements to get out as soon as possible.

You have to care for your best interest first.

Being in a position of fragility and continuing to be in the presence of any person who's dragging you down is detrimental to your well being!

Do it soon. And please keep us updated.

Be strong - you can do this!
Thank you again, for your help.

Yes, the current arrangements (which took effect several months ago) no longer seem to be working.

My brother had pitched in, thankfully, but at the same time while I began to distance myself from her physically and try to set/enforce my personal boundaries, we verbally fought constantly, and it intensified.

I called her a bad name, she came after me throwing fists.

Given what I've discovered post us moving closer to my brother, I no longer feel confident that my brother and I alone, are the solution.

I'm not sure about him, but with me, she still seems latched on to me, as a mother and an addict.

i.e. my credit card being used by her to pay for things not related to myself; my 2nd pet diagnosed with an unknown illness after falling extremely ill following my absence (left in her care); my personal belongings I found in her possession, almost hidden, after I was cleaning (makeup, skin care, etc.), and I discovered 20-30 diabetic needles when I moved her suitcase (she visited my sister), they fell like a pot of gold, and she NEVER tests her blood sugar...

Did I mention the rotted food left out for days, turned compost in the backyard where my dog goes to do potty? Grr...

The above referenced incidents alone on a financial level, is a couple thousand dollars.

While I don't believe that both pets (mysteriously) falling ill, following my absence (left in her care), is intentional, how many more incidents is considered still coincidental.

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As a side note, based on the info you described, I doubt she's clean/sober.
You may be correct.

As mentioned, I've heard her mention "her current difficulty" with her MD in obtaining medications for her metal health medications.

She can make her own appointment and go from there.

I'll continue dealing with my own gobbly goop.

Last edited by Divasu; 23rd August 2017 at 7:09 AM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:25 AM   #97
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You can always trust an addict ... to be an addict. To do the things an addict does.

What's most important when trying to help an addict is remembering to take care of yourself. Your own physical and mental wellbeing.

It's a difficult situation. Make sure you're not enabling her. Let her own the consequences of her actions.

And take care of yourself. I think you were on the right track when you started to disassociate yourself from her. Some of the things she says and does to you are simply abusive. You have to make sure those things don't harm you. Mentally or otherwise.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 8:53 PM   #98
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You can always trust an addict ... to be an addict. To do the things an addict does.

What's most important when trying to help an addict is remembering to take care of yourself. Your own physical and mental wellbeing.

It's a difficult situation. Make sure you're not enabling her. Let her own the consequences of her actions.

And take care of yourself. I think you were on the right track when you started to disassociate yourself from her. Some of the things she says and does to you are simply abusive. You have to make sure those things don't harm you. Mentally or otherwise.
You are correct.
The environment has been harmful to my overall wellbeing.

I know my part and I know she has difficulty understanding it.
My need for space away from what I can only perceive as a toxic environment.
She cannot see her role in it, only my fathers, and that in and of itself, I think has been a source of friction for her and I.

I forgave my father years ago, and our relationship became stronger, I think she and I just had some unfinished mother/daughter business to work through.

I am sure we will have more as a family, to come.

Thank you (and everyone else), for your input.
It has been a tremendous help. In more ways than I can count.
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Old 24th August 2017, 12:41 AM   #99
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As a gal that has sponsored more than 150 people who intended to get sober and clean - I can tell you that when people seriously work a program everything changes. That's the point isn't it?

And the ones who didn't get/stay sober/clean - things looked the same or got more ugly in every single case.

When everyone makes things easy for that person to continue doing what they do (drink/use) - they just continue using/drinking.

When friends and family have a boundary and stick to consequences it tends to send a message to the addict that they find that behavior completely unacceptable and you want nothing to do with them.

It looks like your family helps your Mom to stay sick. Your Mom can be left on her own to figure this out HERSELF! Then maybe she will get motivated to change something instead of using you all by having you pay her way.

Stop helping her - it's not helping!

Take care of yourself. You need self care and I hope you'll make it your top priority!

Tell your Mom you're done. She a grown woman and needs to take care of herself. Tell her you'll pray she does.
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Old 24th August 2017, 4:20 AM   #100
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As a gal that has sponsored more than 150 people who intended to get sober and clean - I can tell you that when people seriously work a program everything changes. That's the point isn't it?

And the ones who didn't get/stay sober/clean - things looked the same or got more ugly in every single case.

When everyone makes things easy for that person to continue doing what they do (drink/use) - they just continue using/drinking.
You may be right.

And, I do not know for certain whether she is, or not.

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When friends and family have a boundary and stick to consequences it tends to send a message to the addict that they find that behavior completely unacceptable and you want nothing to do with them.
Pretty much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
It looks like your family helps your Mom to stay sick. Your Mom can be left on her own to figure this out HERSELF! Then maybe she will get motivated to change something instead of using you all by having you pay her way.

Stop helping her - it's not helping!
They did, for many years (it almost cost a family member a divorce).
That's when I came back into the picture.

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Take care of yourself. You need self care and I hope you'll make it your top priority!

Tell your Mom you're done. She a grown woman and needs to take care of herself. Tell her you'll pray she does.
I think I made my intentions known to her based on our last argument.

Now when I feel that she is trying to reign me back in, in an unhealthy manner, (i.e. elder mother/adult child dynamic), I pull back.

It is so difficult to find the balance in terms of mother/daughter.
I've always struggled verbally.
I'm trying.

Thank you S2B.
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Old 24th August 2017, 3:25 PM   #101
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But only state very calmly what you intend to do. It doesn't need to be an argument - only a statement from you.

And no one says you must have any relationship with anyone who isn't kind and loving to you.
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