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Never Trust An Addict - True or False?


Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

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Old 28th October 2014, 3:44 PM   #1
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Never Trust An Addict - True or False?

Do you believe this to be true?

Hello LS!

I have reached a pivotal point I am desperate for some support. My friends/family have so much on their plate right now and my siblings and myself are all pretty much going through the same thing.

Some time ago, I posted a thread regarding a family memberís addiction to Xanax. Iíll call her Lucy for the purpose of this thread.

Drastic measures were taken to help Lucy get/stay clean and she seemingly did well but has relapsed. After her first discharge (2 years ago) she was placed in an intensive outpatient program which tapered down to 1-2 days per week which brings us to today.

Throughout this time, her therapists prescribed Clonazepam to help wean her from Xanax and help her anxiety. They eventually tapered her off and no more was to be given.

Also during this timeframe, I scheduled for a General Practioner (ďGPĒ) to oversee her medical and sent him her medical charts. During one of her appointments, Lucy managed to see a nurse practioner within his medical practice while he was away on vacation and unbenknown to me, Lucy asked for a Xanax prescription and it was given to her. This happened on 9/11/2014.

Now, the only reason I know this is because I confronted Lucy after an incident involving missing Xanax from her sister (whom she frequently visits). Nearly 150 Xanax pills are missing from her sisterís house (her sister takes Xanax but has no addiction like Lucy does).

I wonít outline all the details as to how I discovered the prescription being given by the nurse practioner but she and I have discussed it at length. Lucy vehemently denies any part of her sisterís missing Xanax and, sadly, I cannot for an absolute fact prove it was her.

Nonetheless, this does not negate the fact that she was not forth coming with being back on Xanax prior to this. Given I am overseeing her care, as well as supporting her financially, I think I have the right to know, yes? Lucy is not in good health. She is older, is now on insulin to control her Type 2 diabetes and has a host of other health ailments as is.

So, I am now in the process of placing her in an inpatient care center for a dual diagnosis program. She does not know this and when she finds out all hell is going to break loose. I fear her ability to cope once the cat is out of the bag (to which, all the medical professionals say ďwell youíll just have to call 911Ē). Iíve already had countless trips to the ER with her, Iím afraid this 2nd time around is going to be more then she can handle.

And, I am struggling with handling this myself as I see the toll it is taking on my health - I am having difficulty sleeping (sleeping is typically not a problem for me), I have pain in my chest and sometimes feel like Iím going to collapse from exhaustion. Iím going to be seeing her psychiatrist with her this week (at which point I can get some support through group therapy).

I need to support Lucy fully. While I acknowledge addiction causes abusive behavior towards other people especially towards those who are close to Lucy, I can't accept it. Therein lies the struggle.

Quite honestly, I feel so close to popping a Xanax myself. But I won't. I did go so far as to crack open a wine cooler the other night but ended up taking 2-3 sips before I just wasn't into it. Gah.

Well, thanks for listening. Please feel free to comment and/or share your own struggles, group support is invaluable.
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Old 28th October 2014, 4:12 PM   #2
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Divasu, first off, I'm sorry you have all this responsibility tacked on to your shoulders. What kind of support system do you have? Family? Friends? It makes sense why you'd have the insomnia, chest pains and physical exhaustion. Is there no one else who can help you?

It's obvious that you care a lot about what happens to your family member, "Lucy." Since she is in her 60s, hopefully she won't put up much of a fight when she's taken to that inpatient care center where they will be able to treat her successfully, and take that burden off of your shoulders.

I don't know if there's a right answer to your question. My cousin M was a drug and alcohol addict for years before she sought treatment and support through NA and AA. Now she's a psychiatric nurse for young adults in a mental hospital. Can she be trusted not to relapse? I don't know. I would hope she doesn't relapse. I would hope that she can be trusted to stay clean.

I think the addict's trustworthiness depends on his/her character. Trust takes years to build, and only seconds to destroy. Addicts spend the rest of their recovery rebuilding trust with their family, friends and coworkers. Even if their efforts to rebuild trust are genuine, there will always be an element of distrust from those they betrayed.

Character traits like accountability is important for the addict to recover. Since your family member "Lucy" had no problem taking advantage of her doctor's absence when she got that Xanax prescription from a nurse instead, she shouldn't be trusted, no. And I don't know if that's due to her age or her character or both. How is her self esteem? Does she have any goals or interests in life?

How will you get her into this inpatient program without her putting up a fight? Will you have any help?
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Old 28th October 2014, 5:46 PM   #3
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Divasu, first off, I'm sorry you have all this responsibility tacked on to your shoulders. What kind of support system do you have? Family? Friends? It makes sense why you'd have the insomnia, chest pains and physical exhaustion. Is there no one else who can help you?

It's obvious that you care a lot about what happens to your family member, "Lucy." Since she is in her 60s, hopefully she won't put up much of a fight when she's taken to that inpatient care center where they will be able to treat her successfully, and take that burden off of your shoulders.

I don't know if there's a right answer to your question. My cousin M was a drug and alcohol addict for years before she sought treatment and support through NA and AA. Now she's a psychiatric nurse for young adults in a mental hospital. Can she be trusted not to relapse? I don't know. I would hope she doesn't relapse. I would hope that she can be trusted to stay clean.

I think the addict's trustworthiness depends on his/her character. Trust takes years to build, and only seconds to destroy. Addicts spend the rest of their recovery rebuilding trust with their family, friends and coworkers. Even if their efforts to rebuild trust are genuine, there will always be an element of distrust from those they betrayed.

Character traits like accountability is important for the addict to recover. Since your family member "Lucy" had no problem taking advantage of her doctor's absence when she got that Xanax prescription from a nurse instead, she shouldn't be trusted, no. And I don't know if that's due to her age or her character or both. How is her self esteem? Does she have any goals or interests in life?

How will you get her into this inpatient program without her putting up a fight? Will you have any help?
Writergal, I cannot thank you enough for such a thoughtful reply. It's good to hear outside perspective/experience. Way to go Cousin M! How long has your cousin been clean?

I have good friends/family around me but there are limitations. Three of my best friends I usually always confide in/look to for support but one is dealing with their father and pet dog recently diagnosed with cancer. The other lives in Florida and seemingly wrapped up in their own "stuff" at the moment. The other is a former addict (alcohol) so I don't know if that's wise .

Others I've maintained friendships with since high school but not as close to them though we do stay in touch.

Then there are my siblings (all of whom I am very close with), two are thousands of miles away and the other has recently moved near me to help, but, he's a bit emotionally immature with this kind of stuff but helps in other ways. Just not so much the emotional support.

The two that live away from me are helping as much as they can from where they are, though, we've recently butted heads and one of them before knowing the full situation, reprimanded me because he knows how I typically "don't take BS" and felt that may have had something to do with my mother's relapse and kind of placed the blame on me. But whatever. Maybe their right, I'll have to keep that in mind.

Lucy, I can't honestly say she takes accountability. She places blame on me at times, and tells my other siblings "I don't spend enough time with her or that I am too hard on her". Lucy has zip self-esteem, I don't think she's ever had any and she's in her mid 60's. I know full well the reasons, and I completely understand and sympathize why she is the way she is. But at some point, enough is enough.

She spends most of her days in front of the TV, except for the times when I try to spend time with her/take her out or when she spends time with her sister.

I am working with her case worker and with the help of my sister (who lives away from me), to get the inpatient set up and ready to go. Though, Lucy's case worker has been slow in returning my calls which is frustrating me because as of last week, Lucy's GP was informed by me, of the situation and now they've flagged it so no more Xanax scripts. So I am in a bit of a panic.

I hope that helped. And, thank you again!
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Old 29th October 2014, 12:04 AM   #4
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As an addict right now I can tell you 100% do not trust me. I will out every addiction before you unless you can manage become a bigger addiction then the addictions I already have (which is rare).

Addiction 1st everything else is second. Yes I go to rehab soon.
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Old 29th October 2014, 12:16 AM   #5
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Cousin M has been clean for 14 years now (as far as I know). Her last boyfriend was also a recovering drug addict but once he fell off the wagon she had to break up with him. She's had a tough time dating men because most either judge her as damaged goods or the others are recovering drug addicts like herself. But she's very smart so hopefully she'll find a good guy.

It sounds like your support system is a mix and is spread out far and wide, or not as close as you'd like. It doesn't sound like you have enough emotional support which is unfortunate.

You are not responsible for your mother's relapse. Your mother is the one responsible for her own relapse because she made that choice to do so. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Addicts make their own choices. No one forces them.

Well, hopefully Lucy's case worker will call you back this week so you won't panic anymore. Hopefully Lucy will recover and get the care she needs at the inpatient facility. And I hope you can destress and feel better. You sound like a very caring relative to Lucy.

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Writergal, I cannot thank you enough for such a thoughtful reply. It's good to hear outside perspective/experience. Way to go Cousin M! How long has your cousin been clean?

I have good friends/family around me but there are limitations. Three of my best friends I usually always confide in/look to for support but one is dealing with their father and pet dog recently diagnosed with cancer. The other lives in Florida and seemingly wrapped up in their own "stuff" at the moment. The other is a former addict (alcohol) so I don't know if that's wise .

Others I've maintained friendships with since high school but not as close to them though we do stay in touch.

Then there are my siblings (all of whom I am very close with), two are thousands of miles away and the other has recently moved near me to help, but, he's a bit emotionally immature with this kind of stuff but helps in other ways. Just not so much the emotional support.

The two that live away from me are helping as much as they can from where they are, though, we've recently butted heads and one of them before knowing the full situation, reprimanded me because he knows how I typically "don't take BS" and felt that may have had something to do with my mother's relapse and kind of placed the blame on me. But whatever. Maybe their right, I'll have to keep that in mind.

Lucy, I can't honestly say she takes accountability. She places blame on me at times, and tells my other siblings "I don't spend enough time with her or that I am too hard on her". Lucy has zip self-esteem, I don't think she's ever had any and she's in her mid 60's. I know full well the reasons, and I completely understand and sympathize why she is the way she is. But at some point, enough is enough.

She spends most of her days in front of the TV, except for the times when I try to spend time with her/take her out or when she spends time with her sister.

I am working with her case worker and with the help of my sister (who lives away from me), to get the inpatient set up and ready to go. Though, Lucy's case worker has been slow in returning my calls which is frustrating me because as of last week, Lucy's GP was informed by me, of the situation and now they've flagged it so no more Xanax scripts. So I am in a bit of a panic.

I hope that helped. And, thank you again!
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Old 29th October 2014, 3:10 AM   #6
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Cousin M has been clean for 14 years now (as far as I know). Her last boyfriend was also a recovering drug addict but once he fell off the wagon she had to break up with him. She's had a tough time dating men because most either judge her as damaged goods or the others are recovering drug addicts like herself. But she's very smart so hopefully she'll find a good guy.

It sounds like your support system is a mix and is spread out far and wide, or not as close as you'd like. It doesn't sound like you have enough emotional support which is unfortunate.

You are not responsible for your mother's relapse. Your mother is the one responsible for her own relapse because she made that choice to do so. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Addicts make their own choices. No one forces them.

Well, hopefully Lucy's case worker will call you back this week so you won't panic anymore. Hopefully Lucy will recover and get the care she needs at the inpatient facility. And I hope you can destress and feel better. You sound like a very caring relative to Lucy.
Thanks again writergal, and so good to hear of Cousin M's success. I'm afraid I've reached my ability/limit to think/comment on this some more my brain is a bit zapped from it all (but will come back with a fresh set of eyes and after the group doctor's appointment).

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Old 29th October 2014, 3:51 AM   #7
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It really is up to Lucy to get and stay clean.

It's not your job. If you care about her sobriety more than she does that's backwards.

SHE is responsible for her well being not you. And financially she should be doing this herself.

I find that the addicts don't get well as often when family is involved heavily in the addicts care.

She can go herself...when she gets miserable enough. If that means she sleeps on the street for a while in order to get motivated to get well then that's how it is. Some of the ones I'm most proud of getting and staying sober are the ones who have slept in the gutter - they never want to go back to that again and will do anything and everything not to use again.

Stop "helping her" - it's not helping because she hasn't had enough consequences. She will resent you for "helping".

I don't mean that in any hurtful way - it's just the way it works. Al-anon may be very helpful for you.

Best way - tell her it's for her to DO and you're stepping away now. Tell her you love her. Then allow her to either do it or not.

No you can't trust while they are using.

And I'm surprised her doctors share her info with you, that's not the norm.

Last edited by beach; 29th October 2014 at 3:53 AM..
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Old 29th October 2014, 3:40 PM   #8
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It sounds like your support system is a mix and is spread out far and wide, or not as close as you'd like. It doesn't sound like you have enough emotional support which is unfortunate.
Yes, you’re correct. It is rather mixed. I am close with a few select people, preferably. And of the 3 individuals the timing is just horrible given their own current state of affairs.

The high school friendships are several. The female group specifically in high school, all of us were best friends at the time with gaps in-between after graduation. We recently became reacquainted after many many years, which is nice. Then there are some from high school where we've maintained contact post graduation/involved in each other's lives on a more constant level.

My siblings and I are all experiencing the same difficulty/at the same time so while garnering support from one another has been present, it is also challenging.

I do talk to my father about it sometimes but he’s a very non-emotional man. He was emotionally absent when my parents were married, and up until I was around 25. Now I am able to lean on him in many ways and having him in my life now is a HUGE comfort. The only problem is he's living/in a relationship with a not very nice woman

As for your other comments, f8ck I just realized I let the cat out of the bag. Ah screw it! Thank you for that, brings a bit of realism to my thought process and I need to remain focused and balanced.

I got the dates mixed up with the group therapy appointment today and I have a individual session next week followed by a group session. In the meantime, I’ve spoken on the phone with the admissions coordinator for an inpatient program my sister and I found, gathered all the paperwork they need, so the next step is to meet with them in person.

The Xanax script Lucy received for her last appointment, will run out soon and there are no doctors under her care right now who are going to prescribe it again for her so hope to get this all finalized before the clock runs out, and striving to keep my sanity in check. So, thank you.

Last edited by Divasu; 29th October 2014 at 3:42 PM..
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Old 29th October 2014, 3:57 PM   #9
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It really is up to Lucy to get and stay clean.

It's not your job. If you care about her sobriety more than she does that's backwards.

SHE is responsible for her well being not you. And financially she should be doing this herself.

I find that the addicts don't get well as often when family is involved heavily in the addicts care.

She can go herself...when she gets miserable enough. If that means she sleeps on the street for a while in order to get motivated to get well then that's how it is. Some of the ones I'm most proud of getting and staying sober are the ones who have slept in the gutter - they never want to go back to that again and will do anything and everything not to use again.

Stop "helping her" - it's not helping because she hasn't had enough consequences. She will resent you for "helping".

I don't mean that in any hurtful way - it's just the way it works. Al-anon may be very helpful for you.

Best way - tell her it's for her to DO and you're stepping away now. Tell her you love her. Then allow her to either do it or not.

No you can't trust while they are using.

And I'm surprised her doctors share her info with you, that's not the norm.
Thank you Beach. And, I believe you are correct on many of your points.

The only problem is, she is my family and I cannot turn my back on her.

She doesn't drive (well, she can't because she has major anxiety/panic and horrible eye sight). The only thing she has ever known is taking care of/supporting her children, working as a single parent, and having both of her parents dead in her teens. I come to find out that a doctor she had been seeing even before I was born, prescribed her valium because she was severely depressed. So, this all started very long ago.

If my siblings and I had not intervened when we did, she would have mostly likely died. Not something we were willing to stand by and watch.

She is classified as mentally disabled and receives less than $500 per month from state/federal programs. We got her on Medicare and it has been several years we've been trying to get her Medicaid. If you've ever had the opportunity to view their applications and the application process, you would go mad. It is difficult enough for the non-mentally disabled individual to process.

So no, I can't let her live in a gutter. But believe me, I would want nothing more than to be separated from this.
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Old 29th October 2014, 4:11 PM   #10
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If she's mentally disabled can you have her admitted to a permanent mental facility?

They would monitor any meds prescribed.
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Old 29th October 2014, 9:16 PM   #11
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Writergal seems to have the open questions and thoughtfullness on this matter.

Primary physicians have "Recovering Addict" notated on file. Along with any other mental concerns. Have this placed on the relatives file. This saves on any "mis-appropriation" of drugs that are on the NO list. As the Guardian for this family member you absolutely have the right to certain information. I walked this path so I do understand your concern. Follow your instincts and do take those much needed "quiet" moments for yourself. You have a good heart....

I trust most addicts that have remained clean. Probably the most humble and honest folks I have met since knowing you can't BS a graduate of the BS school
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Old 30th October 2014, 2:59 PM   #12
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If she's mentally disabled can you have her admitted to a permanent mental facility?

They would monitor any meds prescribed.
Thanks. Well for her to be involuntarily committed to a permanent facility, I believe, would require a court-order.

You see, I still have hope for Lucy and I hope another intensive/temporary inpatient program will get her back on track. She is not that far gone where she needs 24-hour monitoring. I can easily see it getting to that point though, if there is no intervention/management of her relapse.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayla View Post
Writergal seems to have the open questions and thoughtfullness on this matter.

Primary physicians have "Recovering Addict" notated on file. Along with any other mental concerns. Have this placed on the relatives file. This saves on any "mis-appropriation" of drugs that are on the NO list. As the Guardian for this family member you absolutely have the right to certain information. I walked this path so I do understand your concern. Follow your instincts and do take those much needed "quiet" moments for yourself. You have a good heart....

I trust most addicts that have remained clean. Probably the most humble and honest folks I have met since knowing you can't BS a graduate of the BS school
Hi Tayla. I do appreciate all the advice that's been given and I take all points into consideration. As such, I have a confirmed appointment on Monday to meet with the inpatient facility in person so I'll know more then.

I like your suggestion, I will certainly do that. Before this happened, I thought by giving her Primary Physician all her paperwork, and believing Lucy was not going to finagle a Xanax script, things were under control. Apparently not, compounded with Lucy's sister's missing Xanax, everything was not as it seemed. I do have medical clearance to Lucy's files, thank goodness. And, taking some quiet time breaks for myself most definitely!

Thank you for your kind words. And regarding your last paragraph, I think I understand what you mean if I am reading between the lines correctly. Blessings to you.
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Old 1st November 2014, 5:36 AM   #13
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Thank you Beach. And, I believe you are correct on many of your points.

The only problem is, she is my family and I cannot turn my back on her.

She doesn't drive (well, she can't because she has major anxiety/panic and horrible eye sight). The only thing she has ever known is taking care of/supporting her children, working as a single parent, and having both of her parents dead in her teens. I come to find out that a doctor she had been seeing even before I was born, prescribed her valium because she was severely depressed. So, this all started very long ago.

If my siblings and I had not intervened when we did, she would have mostly likely died. Not something we were willing to stand by and watch.

She is classified as mentally disabled and receives less than $500 per month from state/federal programs. We got her on Medicare and it has been several years we've been trying to get her Medicaid. If you've ever had the opportunity to view their applications and the application process, you would go mad. It is difficult enough for the non-mentally disabled individual to process.

So no, I can't let her live in a gutter. But believe me, I would want nothing more than to be separated from this.
I'm afraid I'm with beach.

When somebody is addicted to substances, only THEY can help themselves at the end of the day. I actually work in the same field as the people trying to help Lucy (but please, please don't take my views as anything other than personal, not professional) and I lost my own mother to alcoholism (she drank herself to death over a 2.5 year period) so I have a little insight from both the professional and personal side I guess. I've come to realise that usually, two things need to be in place for somebody to get clean: 1) their absolute unwavering desire to get clean and b) appropriate outside support, from professionals and/or people who love them. Without the support, it's extremely difficult. Without the desire to get clean, it's impossible.

It is hard enough to get clean when you really want to and everybody around you is helping you, so getting clean when you don't actually want to and don't take any personal responsibility towards it is basically unicorn *****.

You say that if you didn't intervene she would likely have died. I intervened, and my mother still died. I've seen it countless times. It is the hardest thing in the world to accept somebody sliding into such a horrible decline, but fighting until you have no more breath left rarely ever actually helps, and only helps to destroy your life in the process.

She is not your responsibility. There is nothing you can do to stop her addiction. Only Lucy can do that, and when/if she's ready, she will be lucky to have a family member like you around to help. But until she's ready, you are wasting your time, money, energy. When my Mother first got sick, I realised she was drinking neat vodka throughout the day and not going to work anymore, I was 19. I tried literally everything. I tried taking her to AA, going to Al Anon myself, taking her to the Doctors, making her appointments at support agencies, towards the end I was basically having to drop round every day to make sure she was still alive and to call ambulances to rush her to hospital because she got so thin and sick she was unable to walk anymore and was getting stuff like hypothermia from not moving even to the bedroom to sleep or the bathroom to urinate. It was horrible. She died anyway. She was the most wonderful, amazing woman, I miss her like hell but I recognise that somebody has to hit rock bottom before they're ready to get help, and unfortunately for some people death comes before that turning point where they're ready to change.

I learned the biggest lesson of my life through that experience: you cannot change somebody who does not want to change. All you can do is be supportive, be there, accept them for who they are. Let them feel the negative consequences of their actions, don't cosset them, if not paying their bills because they're feeding their addiction means they have to go into a homeless shelter, then that's what has to happen. Because if others are picking up the slack, they have a win win situation... able to buy the drugs, and able to keep a roof over their heads. Every single thing you do to help Lucy get clean right now is a waste of time because she isn't ready to change. It's hard enough to get clean when you're ready to, being dragged kicking and screaming into a treatment centre is demeaning, it's embarassing, it makes her feel completely out of control and as though she's being treated like a toddler, and when she's there do you really think that's going to be the best mentality to start to accept she has a problem and be ready to do the long, hard work to get clean?

I know you care, I know you are coming at this from a position of love, maybe even obligation because your family aren't doing as much as you are for whatever reason. All I can recommend is to treat addiction as what it is: a terminal disease that, in some cases, can be arrested. But only when the person wakes up one day and has that realisation that things have to change. Cherish her, spend time with her, let her know you love her unconditionally, but let all of your help but verbal and emotional, don't try and take over and do things for her, definitely don't try and force her into treatment, don't get involved in her medications. Let her manage her own life like the adult she is. Disempowering somebody doesn't help them to feel empowered to get clean. I haven't met one single addict in the course of my work who has said that they got clean because their family forced them to. I have met many who got clean because things got so bad that one day they made the decision to change.

I don't know if you have ever heard of 'motivational interviewing' but it's a counselling technique very easy to use in day to day conversations with people, one of its core tenets is that decision making rests with the client. You accept someone's resistance to change as a natural feature of the process, you don't try and tell them what to do, you try and build up their self efficacy. Put it this way: if somebody came up to you and said 'hey, what are you doing!? You shouldn't do this thing. I'm disappointed you're doing it and I want you to stop. I'm going to take away your self determination and MAKE you stop because it's what I want' wouldn't you kick back against it? Wouldn't you tell the person to get fu(ked and fight against it? Sometimes the more you try and force somebody to do something the harder they push back and refuse to do it, because they can't back down from their fixed position as resistor. Sometimes it takes YOU saying 'you know what? I know you're not ready now, but when you're ready I'll be here to support you. For now, let's just take thing at your pace, because I love you and trust you to know what's best for you' for the other person to go 'woah wait, what? This is different!' and then have the freedom to choose to get clean knowing it's THEIR decision and that they're not backing down and losing face. I'd rather do something because I want to do it, not because I'm being made to do it, and addicts are no different.

I know that you'll probably keep on with what you're doing and I know it's because of love but I hope you at least keep an open mind towards what I've said. Someone else's addiction isn't something that you can fight just because you try hard enough. Maybe you're not yet at a stage where you feel ready to let go because you'll feel like you've failed her, but you haven't. You've done more already than most people would ever do. Maybe it's time to try a different tack. Us people who support addicts all go through a journey, first of shock, secondly of trying everything under the sun until we are dead from exhaustion to get them to get clean and finally of acceptance that the only person who can help the addict is the addict.

I heartily recommend Narc Anon groups, because they are full of people who've been where you are now and who can give you advice. But the overriding sentiment is the one I've written about here, that you need to give them space to help themselves. The important thing is that the group can give you support because you need it right now. Good luck.
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Old 1st November 2014, 3:53 PM   #14
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Thank you acrosstheuniverse.

Wow it really hit home. But as tears stream down my face, I can't, I just can't let her go. I love her so much, it kills me inside. I feel she has been abandoned her whole life and I just, can't.

She sacrificed so much for me when I was growing up and I've had my share of difficulties being raised in the environment I was in, if I had a child like me, I would have probably already been dead.

So there have been a couple more turbulent instances after being around Lucy where she backed me into a corner, it seems like she was "raging" got up close to me and I put my hands in front of me and told her to back away. She cornered me again later that evening but I was able to keep it from spiraling out of control. I'm spending time with friends this weekend so it will give me some distance.

This morning I had a heart to heart with Lucy and I basically just hugged her and told her I loved her. She hugged me back and we had a very nice conversation, talking about both our childhoods and things like that. So we're at a peaceful stage at the moment.

She is going back to inpatient, there is no other way around it. This must be done. I just need the strength to get through it and I feel I am managing it pretty well. I have little moments here and there where my chest hurts and tears pop out from my eyes but I quickly gather my composure and move on.

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. (and I like your profile pic )
Divasu is offline  
Old 1st November 2014, 4:12 PM   #15
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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I agree with universe.

For every extreme drinker/addict - there's always one very controlling person in their background trying with all their might to get the person clean and sober. That is you.

Her rage should have been a golden opportunity for you to say "get out now!"


It's not yours to do!!! It is HERS and hers alone (with the help of something many refer to as a higher power). For now YOU think you are her higher power. You are playing God - trying to control her.

You can't!!! I can guarantee you - you can't.

And she will resent you for controlling her/it.

So let her fall - it's her best way to get help! She might actually be uncomfortable and get desperate enough so she NEVER wants to live that way again.

Stop "helping her" it's not helping!

Tell me - why should she do any work to get clean when YOU do it all FOR HER? She has NO reason to do anything expect get &@cked up.

Have your sister file criminal charges on her for stealing her prescription medicine! Let her find another place to live (like the gutter) - and let HER figure out how to EARN her OWN money.

She will never be allowed to become proud OF HERSELF when you are standing there taking away all her consequences and GIVING HER a free ride.


She WILL get HELP when she gets desperate. If not, then Gods will comes around as she progresses.

Stop playing God. Give her room to FIND HER WAY.

Stop controlling it all! No more dr appts, no more checking on her. Tell her move today and hand her $50 and tell her goodbye and best wishes.

And let it be over until SHE starts changing. And SHE does ALL the action necessary to get well and stay well.

When you stop doing FOR HER she will find a way to begin DOING FOR HERSLF.

All if her "symptoms" may be eliminated when/if she stays clean long term.

What pills did she steal from your sister?

FWIW - I've never seen any addict who got clean by someone else making ALL the effort be proud of their sobriety - quite the contrary - she will resent you for forcing YOUR will onto HER.

The motivation must come from WITHIN HER.

Last edited by beach; 1st November 2014 at 4:28 PM..
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