Break up with Sex Addict / BPD

[tara83]

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and I need some insight, advice, etc.

 

A few days ago, I ended a relationship with my boyfriend of one year. When we first became intimate, I noticed scars on his arms and torso from cutting himself. He disclosed that he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). He had been diagnosed in 2012 and begun treatment, including individual and group therapy and medication (which he is still taking). He was adopted at birth, rejected by his birth mother at age 20 again, and had a rough relationship with his adopted father. He has had some substance abuse issues that were under control. After researching the disorder at length, I made what I felt was an educated decision to stay with him.

 

He has been a wonderful boyfriend for our year together, treating me very well, making me laugh, making me very happy. Everyone in both of our lives has thought that I was "the one" for him, that we would get married, etc. I thought so too. I was supposed to move in with him last week but I delayed it due to an upcoming surgery of mine.

 

I have my own emotional work to do, and he has taught me so much about healthy communication, decreasing anxiety, etc. This was the first relationship he had been in without drama, seeming to stem from a healthy place. We were both so sure of us. I have never been in a relationship that felt this great.

 

I began having a nagging feeling that something wasn't right a couple of months ago. At the beginning of December, I googled his username (for facebook, twitter, instragram) and the city we live in. I came across at least 30 postings searching for sex, all from 2011. These were also not simply looking for sex, but into highly kinky and dominant sex. I am no prude by any means, and we have experimented, but not to the point he showed interest in - group sex, swinging, etc.

 

I sat him down and admitted to my snooping. I explained that I did not think he was cheating on me, but that the amount of posts and type of posts led to my concern that he might be a sex addict and that his needs were something I would never be able to meet. He explained that all of this happened before his BPD diagnosis, and was part of his escape mechanisms prior to getting help. He was ashamed at what I had found and reassured me that he was completely satisfied with all areas of our life. This seemed like a satisfactory explanation. At the time, I gave him an opportunity to disclose anything else that would hurt me or our relationship, he swore that was it.

 

For over a month, I was fine with things. In the last week, the nagging feeling came back. This time, I did fully snoop on his laptop. I came across some old things, and noticed a list of email addresses. The first address referred to porn, and when I googled it, I found dozens of websites for used to submit their own pornographic pictures for posting. When i confronted him on this, he admitted to owning/running about 25 porn websites, just to make money. Most of the emails I found backed his story up. He offered to delete everything, claiming I was far more important that any of that.

 

While I was deciding what to do, I logged into some other accounts associated with these email address (fetlife, tumblr, craigslist). Most of what I found corroborated his porn business story, but two things implied much worse. On one fetlife account (fetish site), there were pictures of him having sex with women and alone 2 and 3 months ago, along with comments on user pictures. Then I found a craigslist account where he had a post 5 months ago along the lines of "attached male looking for hookup, clean late night nookie, discretion a must". He claimed the pictures were old, with ex-girfriends. Even if that is true, why on earth would he post them while in a relationship with me?

 

Obviously I am devastated at all of this. He is aware of everything I have found. He has sworn numerous times that he never physically cheated on me (obviously I'll never know the answer). If he didn't have BPD, I wouldn't even be writing to you. However, I have learned that BPD and sex addiction often go hand-in-hand and with the right course of treatment, 70% of patients successfully overcome this. He seems to recognize the depth of his actions and seems to really want to get help. I sent him an email offering him resources for treatment (psychiatrist for meds, psychologist for therapy, and he has a group therapy session starting next week). I am not interested in staying with him now, but I am very unsure what to do if he actually follows through with treatment. He is acting like this is an epiphany for him. I love this man, and I do realize that his actions have nothing to do with me, and he does love me. He is just very messed up. Can anyone offer some advice on this subject, their own experiences with it, or just some peace of mind? I am having a very hard time even processing all of this. I have broken up with long term boyfriends, but nothing like this.

[Emilia]

If he didn't have BPD, I wouldn't even be writing to you. However, I have learned that BPD and sex addiction often go hand-in-hand and with the right course of treatment, 70% of patients successfully overcome this. He seems to recognize the depth of his actions and seems to really want to get help. I sent him an email offering him resources for treatment (psychiatrist for meds, psychologist for therapy, and he has a group therapy session starting next week). I am not interested in staying with him now, but I am very unsure what to do if he actually follows through with treatment. He is acting like this is an epiphany for him. I love this man, and I do realize that his actions have nothing to do with me, and he does love me. He is just very messed up. Can anyone offer some advice on this subject, their own experiences with it, or just some peace of mind? I am having a very hard time even processing all of this. I have broken up with long term boyfriends, but nothing like this.

Nope, nothing to do with BPD, I'm sorry. I find it offensive how people attribute massive character flaws to it. My ex has BPD, recently it has been confirmed again that he indeed does, and he has no sex addiction issues whatsoever. He is impulsive but that manifests itself in different ways. While he is a volatile person, he also has strong morals.

 

You shouldn't have stayed with him and shouldn't have allowed him to get under your skin so much. You are suffering because you were in a codependent relationship and allowed another person to dominate your life so much.

 

This is the book for you: Codependent No More - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Another one of my favourites is: my ex goes shoplifting, she has BPD, that's what makes her do it. Um no, having poor values is what makes her do it.

Edited January 16, 2014 by Emilia

[tara83]

Thanks for the reply Emilia. I appreciate the suggestion.

 

I think I should have clarified, I am more looking for help to process the sex addiction aspect of this. Maybe he is just a disgusting pig, but the sheer amount of accounts, etc, does appear as sex addiction.

 

I have never encountered anything like this, and am just trying to even begin to wrap my head around it.

[Emilia]

Thanks for the reply Emilia. I appreciate the suggestion.

 

I think I should have clarified, I am more looking for help to process the sex addiction aspect of this. Maybe he is just a disgusting pig, but the sheer amount of accounts, etc, does appear as sex addiction.

 

I have never encountered anything like this, and am just trying to even begin to wrap my head around it.

No I understand your question. What I am saying - and of course it's your choice whether you want to listen, I certainly won't harp on - that you should move on.

 

You will never understand it.

 

You have already spent too much time trying to understand him and work him out. One year too long exactly.

 

You will never ever be able to understand it.

 

You are still in the trap.

 

You will remain in the trap as long as you try to figure it out.

 

Open your eyes.

 

Stop being codependent.

 

Work on your own issues and stop trying to control someone who does not wish to be controlled.

[tara83]

Wow, I want to be upset by your very abrupt tone, but I get it. I'd speak to those close to me in the same manner about something this important.

 

Thank you Emilia. You're right. Regardless of the situation, I have always over-analyzed things to try and understand them. This I will never be able to understand.

[Emilia]

Wow, I want to be upset by your very abrupt tone, but I get it. I'd speak to those close to me in the same manner about something this important.

This is serious stuff Tara, yes. Very.

 

We had a BPD thread here long running that was very educational about people's experiences. The conclusion was: get out.

 

Regardless of the situation, I have always over-analyzed things to try and understand them. This I will never be able to understand.

This is your downfall. I'm the same and I had to learn to walk away when faced with emotional instability. Emotions are not rational Tara, you can't change them by wrapping your head around them. Don't try to experiement, or understand or help.

 

Are/were any of your parents addicts, out of interest? Many codependents come from a broken family and have some kind of addiction in the background.

[Emilia]

We have a consolidated thread, the issue comes up so frequently

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder-11.html#post4740306

[tara83]

Yes, my mother was an alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic. She passed away 3.5 years ago at 57. We had a very rocky relationship and to be honest, I really haven't dealt properly with that. Her last act toward me before she passed away was a betrayal. I have known I've had outstanding issues with this, but have always been strong (so I thought), and I thought they would eventually resolve. Obviously not without the hard work required that so many of us avoid.

 

It's unfortunate that I found this site because of this situation, but you have certainly struck a chord in me. Wish I'd found in when I was first told about the BPD or better, long before that. I thought it was something I could handle. And obviously if you're familiar with it, you know the type of relationship it is on the surface. Just what someone like me would be drawn to.

 

But, more importantly, I've found this site now.

Edited January 16, 2014 by tara83

[Emilia]

Yes, my mother was an alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic. She passed away 3.5 years ago at 57. We had a very rocky relationship and to be honest, I really haven't dealt properly with that. Her last act toward me before she passed away was a betrayal. I have known I've had outstanding issues with this, but have always been strong (so I thought), and that they'd eventually be resolved.

 

It's unfortunate that I found this site because of this situation, but you have certainly struck a chord in me. Wish I'd found in when I was first told about the BPD or better, long before that. I thought it was something I could handle. And obviously if you're familiar with it, you know the type of relationship it is on the surface. Just what someone like me would be drawn to.

 

But, more importantly, I've found this site now.

Yes, welcome to Loveshack

 

I should have started with that, my apologies. BPD knocks everything out of my mind still though after all this time.

 

Please read Downtown's posts. He is our resident expert and he posts almost exclusively regarding this. I'm pretty sure he will pop up here at some point. It is also possible that your thread will be merged with the main BPD one.

 

There is also the lovely dreamoftigers who suffered from BPD for many many years but has conquered her challenges successfully through therapy. Her posts are hilarious

 

I'm glad you are recognising what the underlying issue is, it's not a great situation to be in and I am very sorry that you had such a difficult relationship with your mother and that she betrayed you. We can't pick the family we are born into, however. My father was an alcoholic and with hindsight probably struggled with serious depression issues.

 

You'll have to work on yourself but as many of us who have dealt with this can tell you, what you learn and how much you grow from the experience will in some ways make you grateful that the person appeared in your life. You could spend years and perhaps the rest of your life in dissatisfying codependent relationships because that's all you have known in your life. How to relate to addicts. BPD knocks some sense into you though.

 

Your journey has just begun and you are going to conquer this

[tara83]

Thank you Emilia. I am grateful to have come across this opportunity.

 

There certainly is a lot to absorb on the other threads.

 

What are your thoughts on the following article? I've come across it a few times, including, now, on here:

 

THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush

[Emilia]

Thank you Emilia. I am grateful to have come across this opportunity.

 

There certainly is a lot to absorb on the other threads.

 

What are your thoughts on the following article? I've come across it a few times, including, now, on here:

 

THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush

I think the person is projecting their own views and values in that article. My ex didn't lack empathy, the author of the article isn't capable of viewing BPD from an objective perspective. I think the article is largely an emotional reaction.

 

My point in this thread though is that you should focus on yourself, not on your ex:

 

Why is it that you choose difficult men?

Why do you choose someone you have to walk on eggshells to be around?

Why do you choose someone with addiction?

Why do you choose someone you think you should control by understanding (read: to be able to control) and change (read: to be able to control)?

 

and most importantly

 

Why do you need to go after men who aren't capable of showing love to you consistently trying to prove to yourself that you can win their love?

 

Why are you trying to win your ex's love? To conquer his addiction so that he would be with you forever and ever?

 

Why not just accept that this will not happen?

 

Hm?

[Emilia]

Hello DoT! * waves *

 

Fancy seeing you here

[tara83]

I think the person is projecting their own views and values in that article. My ex didn't lack empathy, the author of the article isn't capable of viewing BPD from an objective perspective. I think the article is largely an emotional reaction.

 

My point in this thread though is that you should focus on yourself, not on your ex:

 

Why is it that you choose difficult men?

Why do you choose someone you have to walk on eggshells to be around?

Why do you choose someone with addiction?

Why do you choose someone you think you should control by understanding (read: to be able to control) and change (read: to be able to control)?

 

and most importantly

 

Why do you need to go after men who aren't capable of showing love to you consistently trying to prove to yourself that you can win their love?

 

Why are you trying to win your ex's love? To conquer his addiction so that he would be with you forever and ever?

 

Why not just accept that this will not happen?

 

Hm?

 

Oh no, I see the bigger picture, please don't misunderstand. I came across it again in the posts and just wanted your opinion as someone who has dealt with this before. I remember seeing the article from when I first researched BPD. I didn't come across this website but found many conflicting articles; run vs. with treatment it can work out. My ex didn't lack empathy either, in fact he was never volatile or had outbursts. This is what led me to stay with him at the beginning.

 

I do not want to win him anymore, you have helped me out with that aspect more than you know. I do not want to prove myself to him. And regardless of his disorder, his sexual behavior has permanent consequences and I did not deserve any of this.

 

I do need to reflect on why I was attracted to someone like this in the first place, someone who filled a void inside of me. A void that I clearly need to learn to fill with self love.

 

I am looking further at all the BPD information (esp. on here) to find out what previous partners have taken out of their experiences, in terms of their own development. To assist on some of my own healing path.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, my mother was an alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic. She passed away 3.5 years ago at 57. We had a very rocky relationship and to be honest, I really haven't dealt properly with that. Her last act toward me before she passed away was a betrayal. I have known I've had outstanding issues with this, but have always been strong (so I thought), and I thought they would eventually resolve. Obviously not without the hard work required that so many of us avoid.

 

It's unfortunate that I found this site because of this situation, but you have certainly struck a chord in me. Wish I'd found in when I was first told about the BPD or better, long before that. I thought it was something I could handle. And obviously if you're familiar with it, you know the type of relationship it is on the surface. Just what someone like me would be drawn to.

 

But, more importantly, I've found this site now.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my very early 20s

 

Sexual addiction is one of the avenues it can take.

I have since been evaluated again and no longer "qualify' as BPD.

 

Having come from that dark place and been more balanced am I going to tell you that "having a supportive and long-suffering partner made the difference?" NO.

 

LOSING a couple of supportive and long-suffering partners DID. So did EMDR therapy because I eas hospitalized so many times it made me realize that _I_ had the problem.

 

Otherwise I would have just kept lying lying lying to my partners and expecting them to understand that "I'm hurting way worse than they are why do they have to be so mean I already feel bad enough."

 

Cut contact with him. You want to help him? Show him that lying to his girlfriend hurts so bad she never wants to see him again. He can't See that he's hurting people no matter how many times he says "he gets it."

 

And get it touch with YOUR OWN PAIN. Deal with that.

 

Saving the world from hurting won't stop you from hurting. And you are hurting. It will get you used though, and hurting worse.

 

I was also abused. And there is something about us abused kids that makes us think we have to "suffer for love if we really care." And that "we can handle it. We can soldier on."

 

Well screw that. It applies when our partner gets Cancer and stuff. Not when its Tuesday and they want to sleep with half of the city because "they're hurting."

 

I unknowingly married a sexual addict. Get away and stay away. My ONLY advice. GET AWAY AND STAY AWAY.

[Emilia]

I do need to reflect on why I was attracted to someone like this in the first place, someone who filled a void inside of me. A void that I clearly need to work on alone.

 

I am looking further at all the BPD information (esp. on here) to find out what previous partners have taken out of their experiences, in terms of their own development. To assist on some of my own healing path.

Yes please to the bolded.

 

Many of us are attracted to their initial neediness. Even after each cycle they come back to us wanting us more, needing us more. I also think if you come from a family with addicts you are used to moody, miserable people so it's almost like a matter of course trying to work out what the hell is their mood on that day.

 

You seem quite a rational person, I am too. Emotionally unstable men seek me out for that reason. I've had various experiences of this.

[Emilia]

Having come from that dark place and been more balanced am I going to tell you that "having a supportive and long-suffering partner made the difference?" NO.

 

LOSING a couple of supportive and long-suffering partners DID. So did EMDR therapy because I eas hospitalized so many times it made me realize that _I_ had the problem.

 

...........

 

Cut contact with him. You want to help him? Show him that lying to his girlfriend hurts so bad she never wants to see him again. He can't See that he's hurting people no matter how many times he says "he gets it."

 

And get it touch with YOUR OWN PAIN. Deal with that.

 

Saving the world from hurting won't stop you from hurting. And you are hurting. It will get you used though, and hurting worse.

 

I was also abused. And there is something about us abused kids that makes us think we have to "suffer for love if we really care." And that "we can handle it. We can soldier on."

 

Well screw that. It applies when our partner gets Cancer and stuff. Not when its Tuesday and they want to sleep with half of the city because "they're hurting."

 

I unknowingly married a sexual addict. Get away and stay away. My ONLY advice. GET AWAY AND STAY AWAY.

This ^^^^^^^^^

[tara83]

I was diagnosed with BPD in my very early 20s

 

Sexual addiction is one of the avenues it can take.

I have since been evaluated again and no longer "qualify' as BPD.

 

Having come from that dark place and been more balanced am I going to tell you that "having a supportive and long-suffering partner made the difference?" NO.

 

LOSING a couple of supportive and long-suffering partners DID. So did EMDR therapy because I eas hospitalized so many times it made me realize that _I_ had the problem.

 

Otherwise I would have just kept lying lying lying to my partners and expecting them to understand that "I'm hurting way worse than they are why do they have to be so mean I already feel bad enough."

 

Cut contact with him. You want to help him? Show him that lying to his girlfriend hurts so bad she never wants to see him again. He can't See that he's hurting people no matter how many times he says "he gets it."

 

And get it touch with YOUR OWN PAIN. Deal with that.

 

Saving the world from hurting won't stop you from hurting. And you are hurting. It will get you used though, and hurting worse.

 

I was also abused. And there is something about us abused kids that makes us think we have to "suffer for love if we really care." And that "we can handle it. We can soldier on."

 

Well screw that. It applies when our partner gets Cancer and stuff. Not when its Tuesday and they want to sleep with half of the city because "they're hurting."

 

I unknowingly married a sexual addict. Get away and stay away. My ONLY advice. GET AWAY AND STAY AWAY.

 

Thank you DoT, you definitely hit another nail on the head. I cannot thank you all enough even for what the last couple of hours is doing for me. Obviously it's a long road ahead, but you have been a kick in the ass I needed.

 

As of ACOA, I definitely recognize a pattern of "suffering for love if we really care", of staying long after reason dictates. I had honestly thought I'd moved past any type of rescue patterns, but clearly that's not the case.

 

I am so happy for you that you have overcome this. Despite how it's affected me, I have seen glimmers of the pain my boyfriend has suffered, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not even myself anymore

 

Again, thank you all.

[Emilia]

I hope you stick around Tara because - from experience - you will need that kick from time to time when you weaken. It's not a quick process. You will need reminders. Good luck

[tara83]

Well I certainly know where to come if I need one

 

It is reassuring to discuss this with people who have been there. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends, but they see all of this as black and white.

 

I have already ordered the Codependent No More book and workbook. For myself and a girlfriend who doesn't think highly enough of herself.

 

If anyone is still interested in the topic, take a look at:

 

Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU

 

There is a lot of information but it's helpful. I can't pretend otherwise; numerous times, I have start taking the steps, but then I run away when it becomes overwhelming. I think I fear losing control and falling into an abyss of emotions. And maybe that's exactly what I need to do.

[Emilia]

Well I certainly know where to come if I need one

 

It is reassuring to discuss this with people who have been there. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends, but they see all of this as black and white.

 

I have already ordered the Codependent No More book and workbook. For myself and a girlfriend who doesn't think highly enough of herself.

 

If anyone is still interested in the topic, take a look at:

 

Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU

 

There is a lot of information but it's helpful. I can't pretend otherwise; numerous times, I have start taking the steps, but then I run away when it becomes overwhelming. I think I fear losing control and falling into an abyss of emotions. And maybe that's exactly what I need to do.

I have to go now but will take a look tomorrow. I'll PM Downtown to take a look at this thread, he might show up.

 

Speak soon and stay focused!

[tara83]

I wanted to say thanks again to you both for taking the time to reply. I hope Downtown does show up. He obviously has a lot of knowledge on the subject.

 

I know I will be okay in the long run, but damn this is painful right now.

[melell]

If the sex addiction thing is the case (and it sounds like it is) you are dealing with cross addiction, and personality disorder.

 

I spent a lot of time working with mental health and addiction. Your partner would be in the category of 'complex addiction' ie unable to help through general residential rehab, or therapy. They are usually referred to a psychiatric program.

 

It isn't at all because they are impossible to help, but that it is usually a case of several relapses, and it is hard to get both the addiction and bpd under control for any length of time. I feel for you on this one, it is really really hard.

 

Where I was from there were 10 out of 100 people who would successfully keep their addiction and bpd symptoms under control for a year following treatment (with ongoing therapy), of those 10, only 2 would continue to keep things under control for more than a year.

 

The numbers speak volumes.

[melell]

Just wanted to add that my advice is to 100% educate yourself on the nature of these problems and codependency (you are not necessarily codependent by nature, love does funny things).

 

The more you know about the illness the more objective you will be able to be about the situation. Having that knowledge will help you tremendously regardless of the outcome.

 

Also I meant to be referring mainly to bipolar, not borderline

Edited January 16, 2014 by melell

[tara83]

Hi Melell,

 

Thanks for your post. Those statistics speak volumes!

 

At this point, I will continue to educate myself on both issues, if nothing else, to see the signs coming if ever I were in this situation again (which likely won't happen if I get my sh*t sorted out and won't appeal to these types as much).

 

I have cared far past the point of reason, and offered help that no one in their right mind would offer. However, after thinking about it in depth, and all the wonderful advice I've received today alone, I definitely cannot continue down this path.

 

My intuition was what led me to these discoveries. I have never been prone to snooping before this relationship. If I listen to that same intuition now, it tells me even if he got help, I would NEVER be able to trust him again. I can give second chances, but not in this scenario.

 

At any rate, I realize that regardless, a year long relationship is over. I have to mourn that and recognize that it wasn't all lies, there is a very real relationship that is now gone. And a breakup itself I can deal with.

 

But that's the pain I need to focus on, not his abnormal pain, that I have no way of helping or even grasping. Not trying to comprehend the complexity of his issues. They are no longer mine to bear.

Edited January 16, 2014 by tara83

[melell]

It really is so hard. If you were say, my sister, my concern would be how to prevent this negatively effecting you.

 

Plenty of really decent people suffer with these problems, and I don't think it should always mean we have to leave them, but by staying there is a lot of risk and work.

 

I do think that even if you continue down this path- educating yourself will help you not take his actions personally, and will lessen the possibility of this really messing with you long term.

 

I have worked with families that have stayed together despite the same problems, but it involves continual therapy for both people, and lots of up and downs, disappointments etc, basically ongoing hard work and dedication from BOTH sides. It is really rare finding two people willing to go to those lengths to make a relationship work. You need to remember that all it takes is one bad episode to result in cheating and drug abuse.

 

I would try not to jump to conclusions re his state of mind and actions, but honesty is a must if things will work out.

 

I have found with those who have bipolar once things are managed there is a lot of shame attached to their actions, I have had a whole host of clients mention that it seemed like it was 'another person' in the midst of an episode.