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Recovering Alcoholic


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alexjames88

Hi. I am 24 and have been an "alcoholic" since I was 14. Ever since I first picked up a real drink on my own it give me the release, safety and escapism I crave.

 

I have had many times of sobriety.

 

1 year ago my ex broke up with me. I had been sober for half our 8 month relationship. Then I started to drink again. Become distant to try and protect him from seeing my inebriated, I had erectile dysfunction and our sex was bad. I was very unhappy. Whilst always friendly to my boyfriend I was very aggressive to my flatmate. We set each other off. The man I love broke up with me. He said the drinking was not so much the problem. But my lifestyle as a whole. After 8 months of pretty bad sex and me never being TOP for him he said the sex affected him directly and he had to leave.

 

I begged and pleaded and drank myself into oblivion. The break up was so hard for him too but his head said do not go back to me. I can understand. So evenually I got sorted and sober and 6 months later I met my ex again. We held hands etc nearly kissed but unfortunately a few weeks before meeting him I had picked up the bottle again. We have never met since.

 

I miss him like crazy. I had a meltdown and changed my life. Got sober for the final time! Quit smoking. Started going to the gym and working on my erectile dysfunction. At my worst I was drinking 6 to 8 bottles of wine per day and not eating anything for a week.

 

The last time I messaged my prince I told him I was sober and had changed and understood why he had to leave. He was having a fling with a young guy at the time and never replied despite telling me he would. It threatened my recovery so I severed all contact with him.

 

But I still am in love with him. He felt we were too different. We were. But that was because I was a raging alcoholic that hated my life and hated myself.

 

Now fully sober for a long time and healthier I still love him. But I worry a) he wont respond and think I am crazy to get back into contact with him b) he might just not care at all about me anymore and c) if he does not respond it could threaten my ongoing sobriety.

 

On the other hand I have changed as a person for a long period of time and feel that we met at the wrong time. That my love is still strong for him. That I love him for leaving me and not enabling me and that he lives the lifestyle of healthy clean living without drugs or drink that I do now and want to settle down with somebody that also shares this lifestyle.

 

But he never understood or had sympathy for my alcoholism or chain smoking. To him he could not understand the addiction. I know some people are like this. It took 10 years almost before my father understood that I could just not simply drink like average drinkers.

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ForeverHopeful1

If your sobriety I dependant on his response to you, STAY SINGLE. Your MAIN focus should be you and your sobriety and if what someone else says/does can sway that decision (if he tells you he doesnt love you that way anymore, for example) you should not be dating anyone.

 

He is smart to stay away from you. You expect him to understand chain smoking and alcoholism when you dont understand sobriety, in full. Kind of selfish.

 

I am glad youre sober. One thing I do know is focussing on sobriety and not relationships is the best thing for you right now. If it is meant to be, you will reunite when youre more stable. Right now, youre just going to hurt him again and REALLY screw things up to the point that he has nothing nice to say to you. Focus on fixing you and do so for a few years.

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alexjames88

Wow. That is something nobody has ever said to me before. That why should he understand addiction when I do not understand sobriety.

 

I guess I thought because addiction kills you and sobriety is healthy the onus was on a healthy person to try and understand the addiction.

 

But you are right.

 

Maybe I will never find out whether it was the addiction or who I am drunk or sober that led to the break up.

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peppermintpaddy
Wow. That is something nobody has ever said to me before. That why should he understand addiction when I do not understand sobriety.

 

I guess I thought because addiction kills you and sobriety is healthy the onus was on a healthy person to try and understand the addiction.

 

But you are right.

 

Maybe I will never find out whether it was the addiction or who I am drunk or sober that led to the break up.

Why should any onus be on the healthy person?.....I undestand addiction because ive had years in recovery learning about it.....why should a social drinker understand alcoholism...?In fact,to most "normal" people ,addiction baffles them,they cannot understand why we can't just have the one drink and leave it at that...

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