new relationship with a recovering herion addict

[rosi822]

Ok...let me start from the begining. We met when he was using and only had an online and xt relationship. He had just gotten busted for dope and they gave him the option of rehab or prison. He did the 42 days in rehab without methadone or suboxone. He now lives in a sober house works an 8 to 5 job goes to the gym and meetings 5 or 6 times a week. I am a very compassionate woman who is recently divorced (about a year) and grew up in a normal loving household. I had some hardships in my life used drugs a few times and never was addicted. I have very strong feelings for this man (he is 26 I am 29) he has a wall up, which is understandable. He lost his fiance 3 years ago and hangs on to this . I want to be there for him every step of the way I am a very loyal and devoted woman and he is to hit his 90 days tomorrow. My question is what do I do...

 

His mother walked out on him at a young age and he has trust issues. I was raped and my ex husband was abusive so I really feel like we connect on that level of having hardships in life which is something that I think we connect on a deeper level than most do. He is scared that if he let's it get deeper and something were to happen he would want to use I do not want to be selfish but I have fallen pretty hard...is it a lost cause or do I fight for this because he happens to be almost everything I have ever wanted in a man he is brilliant funny and kind. We share the same beliefs. Someone give me some kind of insight on what I should do please!

[Feelin Frisky]

You of course must know that he'll get a lot of grief in NA for having a relationship in the first year, much less the first three months. I'm no one to push the NA mantra of no relationship until one year clean but there is certainly something to that--it's not arbitrary, people relapse in a hurry when they have to feel things they are not used to putting into proportions soberly. So, that said, if you proceed, be aware that no one is healed after three months--especially with the heaviest narcotic opiate there is out there. You may be right for each other and your love the key to recovery or you could well be the opposite. Only trying and time will tell. "Easy does it" as the saying goes.

[rosi822]

So just go day by day...this is the longest he has ever been clean. And we see each other a lot. I just I guess need to know if I am being selfish by wanting this. Because I don't think its possible for us to just be friends. I know he wants this too he accidently dropped the l word. And know it will be a one sided relationship he needs more support. Its a very difficult spot

[sadintexas]

He has to learn to live life sober. That's not going to be easy for him.

 

It's great that you have the feelings you do for him, and wonderful that you're so compassionate and kind...but this relationship could be problematic for both of you.

 

Everyone needs a friend. And if you could be a friend to him right now, and support him, that would be awesome. Romantic relationships can bring a whole different set of experiences and expectations to the table. Experiences and expectations that might be too much for him. Asking him to maturely deal with a relationship like that might not be quite fair to him at this point.

 

Then there's you. It's not really fair to you either. I know this is something you want, but in all fairness, you haven't had to walk this path.

 

I think developing a friendship that would give you a solid foundation for a relationship a little while later is probably the safest and most advantageous thing for you both.

[Cee]

If you believe in recovery 100 percent join Al Anon or Nar Anon. Get on your own recovery journey and the answers will become clear. My ex was a recovering heroin addict. What I learned from a disaster of a marriage was that i had problems as bad as his addiction. I got help and am better. As for him, he's okay, but got in marriage for hire scheme and is off and on narcotics.

 

I know you love him, but I hope you love yourself. People who are codependent tend to fall for addicts. Be sure that you love him in healthy and proper way. Good luck.

[Mme. Chaucer]

From your post, I believe that your boyfriend is actually torn between wanting to take this early clean and sober time to work on himself (as he's surely being advised in his program(s)) and his feelings for you.

 

Since you believe you truly love him, please just stop moving forward with the relationship - keep things in a holding pattern until he has quite a bit more time. He is feeling nervous and insecure about the possibility of a relapse triggered by relationship stuff for a good reason.

 

The percentage of heroin addicts who are able to maintain a clean and sober life for any length of time IS VERY SMALL. So it's a real, real good idea for the recovering person to just put their self-will on the back burner for a while and follow in the footsteps of others who have succeeded, rather than trying to do it "their way," which clearly has not worked out well so far.

 

You yourself have been divorced for less than a year, and you got involved with this man when you were divorced for WAY less than a year. So, just knowing that, I believe that you, too, could be much better prepared for a good and healthy relationship if you concentrated more on healing yourself during this time.

 

I STRONGLY second Cee's advice to get involved with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.

 

I also believe that your feeling of connection with an addict because of each of your negative life experiences is NOT a good start. I understand COMPLETELY, though, how that is. But, if you work on yourself, you can come to a place in life where you connect with others based upon positive things rather than pain, abuse, etc.

 

I've been on both sides of this - I am a recovering addict myself, and I was married to one (who ended up back on heroin).

[Finch]

As others have said, a relationship brings it's own set of challenges that may interfere with addiction recovery. You need to give him time to learn to deal with life while sober before bringing a relationship into the mix. You can be a friend and be supportive, but this may not be the right time to try to establish more than that.

Also, as Mme. Chaucer pointed out, you feel you have a connection because you have both been through hardships. But that is not a stable base from which to build a lasting partnership. Having been through very difficult experiences is not the same as sharing interests or hobbies. You may feel that because of those traumatic experiences you can be more sympathetic, but what you can't be is a mind-reader or fortune-teller. You have no idea how his recovery is going to go, or how it's going to affect him, or how he's going to deal with it.

Put aside the idea of having a romantic relationship with this man so that both of you can focus on yourselves. It seems like you may benefit from taking some time to heal from your past relationship. That way you will be able to evaluate the prospect of this or other future relationship based on positive merits rather than feeling a connection because of hardships.

[dreamingoftigers]

Be his friend if you like. I would never get involved with a guy that had anything less then 9-12 months of sobriety. That's just too much risk.

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[dreamingoftigers]

Actually I just thought of something. It sounds like you both are pulling together because of how broken you both are. That is a terrible foundation for any relationship that sets it up for failure.

[AugustWest]

if he is following a good program , he should have no realtionships in the first year .. be careful... yall both sound banged up .. if its meant to be , it will be ..