addictions killing our marriage

[bigmomma1974]

Short history married since 2008 been together since 2005. This is my second marriage and I have 3 children who live with us from first marriage. This time around I married for love. I love my husband dearly but he is destrying what we worked so hard to make by his constant use of smoking pot and lying about it over and over again. My life has been in turmoil since april of this yrr I losy my best friend of 19 yrs at the age of 34 she died in her slee0p nassive heart attack. Then grams died in may and an uncle in june and a friends 2 yr old little boy. My hubby has been out of work since dec he could have had 2 amazing jobs with benefits bu5t kept flunking the drugh test. I'm so done in so over it. He is now working yet again through a temp service and will be laid off in the future he's been working for this comppany since 2007. Without his unemployment money or him working we can afford groceries. He has to work. I'm so tired of doing it alone. Time after time we've had this talk and he won't change. I'm disabled and my money pays the bills for the most part. But I struggle to put food on the table. If it wasn't for me being afraid my kids would go hungry id move. Plus I can't afford someone to move me and our stufff. I'm not able to do so. Ugh I'm so hurt confused angry pissed annd mad as all get out. I haven't spoke to him since fridayi don't see the use its the same song and dance with him. I love this man with ever beat of my heart but I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm gpoing to snap or break.

[Forever Learning]

Well financial considerations play a big part in your current situation, you have 3 kids involved and a big part of all this is how would they be effected if you were to kick him to the curb right now, would you have to move as well and they change school districts, etc etc.

 

Unfortunately when kids are involved that kind of upheaval and turmoil have to be considered before rash actions are taken. Different story if there is abuse involved or drug usage around the kids, that is not tolerable.

 

Having an outlet for your frustration is an important thing for you maybe you should try Al-Anon to get some support of others in similar situations.

 

I'm not saying you should stay with him forever, drug addiction even marijuana addiction is a problem in a relationship when at least one of the two parties doesn't like it. I'm just saying that, if you decide that he won't be willing to change on these issues in the long term, you may need to hatch an escape plan that works financially before you kick him to the curb and weigh all the pros and cons before doing so, for your own stability financially and otherwise. Good luck and chin up.

[Mme. Chaucer]

My marriage also ended because of drugs. Actually, because of all of the completely unacceptable behaviors that are a part of addiction.

 

I agree with the above poster that you really, really need to get into a support group for other people who are dealing with this in their lives, and Al-Anon is the place for that. Please go, and have an open mind to hear what will be of positive use for you, and MAKE THAT A PRIORITY.

 

I do not agree with the above poster that the upheaval of leaving your husband is going to impact your children worse than staying with him will, tough I do agree that if you leave, you need to figure out how to do so in the least negative way (for them) possible.

 

I'm not saying that you need to leave your marriage. What I would like to impress upon you, though, is that in order to have a decently healthy household you are going to have to find some way of ACCEPTING your husband's addiction and all that goes along with it: lying, failure to pull his financial weight, failure to be a full partner to you in your family in any way, probably - or, leaving.

 

Trying to get him to change, "hoping" he'll change, choosing sometimes to believe that his behavior is "okay" all will get you into a worse place than you are now.

 

You can give him an ultimatum, such as get help or get out. If you do that, be absolutely sure that you are ready to back it up, and that you have much support in place in advance. Try not to do that in an emotionally charged moment.

 

I am very sorry you are going through this, and I know how terrible it can be. Find your strength, and get support from others, please.

[bigmomma1974]

Thanks for your input its appreciated.

He doesnt smoke pot in our house or around the kids. I do give him credit for that. IF he did he would be gone no ?'s asked.

My main concern with this is he has a temporary job that will led to him being laid off and in order to receive unemployment he has to pass a drug test. With out his income we cant buy grocieres. I am on disabilty and my check pays all the bills and leaves me with 70.00 a month left which wont feed the family for a month.

 

I just need someone to tell me im not being selffish or to harsh on him. I do not want to be a controlling wife but I can't do this alone. Last night we had a long talk and he understands why I am upset. He says smoking it helps ease his stress levels. I suggested a therapist or Na. He said he would think about this. SO we will see. I told him a marraige is 50/50 and right now its 90/10 and I am tired. I need a partner someone one who will be there always and helps out in ever way he can. I think im being reasonable. At least I hope I am

[sadintexas]

It's not at all unreasonable to expect your partner to pull his weight. It's rough when the burden falls squarely on your shoulders all the time.

 

I just don't know how effective it is to try to talk a person into sobriety. It's been my experience that it usually takes something that directly affects them to spur them into action.

 

Making a life change like that is hard. And people generally don't like change, especially when it means giving up something they think they need, that they think makes them feel good and makes life more tolerable.

 

I second the suggestion of getting into an Al-Anon group. They have online groups as well if getting out to one in person isn't feasible. Learning that you can't control nor change the person is paramount to dealing with it. All you can control is yourself.