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Is my boyfriend using cocaine?


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Old 6th March 2007, 5:15 PM   #1
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Is my boyfriend using cocaine?

I just found this site today and it's great. First off, let me say that I have never been around anyone using drugs so some of my questions might seem stupid. I've been dating a guy for 5 months now. He told me in the beginning that he goes to AA and CA (cocaine anonymous I think, not sure). Said he's been clean for 18 months this time. He's 43 years old. Been married and divorced 3 times. I know, I know........

When I met him he didn't have a bank account, just cashed his checks and lived that way, off his cash. Said he wanted to marry me after the first month and I told him if that were to ever happen some day that he would need to show me he is responsible financially and have a checking and savings account. Told him I didn't care how much was in it, just that he had to have a budget and stick to it. Well January 1, 2007 he opened up both a checking and savings acct. The end of January he put $1,400.00 in savings. Over the last three weeks he has slowly depleted his savings down to zero.

I've been noticing some behavior changes and have been really down on myself for making him treat me badly sometimes and now I think it's not me but possibly drug use. Here's what I'm noticing.....he has started calling in sick from work a LOT. On these days he lays around all day, seems depressed, eats a lot and is very moody. He is usually up my ass 24/7 but on these days he turns his cell phone off and I can't get ahold of him. He lives with me for the most part so I would go home at lunch to check on him and he'd be sleeping. Then in the afternoon he'd want to go to the gym or rent movies or something. Well, he has also over the last 3 weeks been taking $100.00 a DAY out of his savings account. Sometimes he will go two days but it's at least 4 days a week that he does this and sometimes it's even $200.00. Well, obviously he has gone through the $1,400.00 very quickly. When I ask him what he is doing with all this money he just snaps at me and goes ballistic on me.

He told me when he opened up his bank accounts that if I would handle all the receipts on it and keep up with his checkbook that he would keep the accounts open. So no problem, I've been doing this and he gives me his receipts each day. Well, he has also had very aggressive mood swings. Some days our relationship is wonderful and life is great for him and then the next day he will go off on me over nothing and call me names and cuss me up one side down the other and threaten to break up with me. Just totally irrational behavior.

Two weeks ago he told me he was unhappy with himself and started crying and said he didn't know what was wrong with him but he thought he should be alone for the weekend at his place. I told him to do whatever he needed to do to be healthy. He said he didn't feel that he was working his recovery program good lately and wanted to go to a bunch of meetings over the weekend. Well, he turned his cell phone off the whole weekend and I didn't hear from him. He usually has to stay in touch with me many times throughout the day, that's just how he is so it was very unusual for him to not even WANT to talk to me in any way.

Now he has started staying as of last week at his own place a couple nights a week when before he never wanted to do that. Well, last Friday he withdrew $200.00 from his checking account because his savings was gone. Sunday morning as I was straightening up I noticed he only had $3.00. Well, he hadn't gone anywhere except to the gym and his meetings so no where he would spend $200.00. I asked him about this Sunday evening and he absolutely exploded on me. Just got in my face and told me it was none of my damn business what he was doing with his money, he didn't owe me an explanation for what he was doing and that I couldn't take care of his accounts anymore because I've been asking too many questions about why he keeps withdrawing money out. He then told me that the relationship was through and he was packing up all his stuff and leaving. Told me he never wanted to see me again. As he's telling me all this, he's just going berserk, yelling, cussing, just totally out of control, calling me a f---ing b---h, hopes I die, just all this crazy stuff. Said he never wanted to see me again. All of this because I asked where the $200.00 went.

So, for the last three weeks he's been missing work, withdrawing cash with nothing to show what he's buying, one day he's wonderful to me bringing me flowers then then next day he talks so degrading to me like he's disgusted by me. I should also say that he is very possessive and controlling and jealous. Doesn't want me to have ANY male friens whatsoever and has basically made it so that I have given up anyone male in my life that I knew before him. He doesn't want me to go places where guys could pick up on me like the gym and stuff but it's okay for him to. His behavior is just so erratic lately that I don't know what to make of it.

This explosion that happened Sunday night he was so berserk my neighbors called the police. I called him about that today to let him know nothing would be happening to him and told him that I loved him and wanted him to be happy and to take care of himself and be healthy. He told me I was talking like we were over permanently and I reminded him of how he talked to me Sunday night, calling me names, wishing I would die and how he never wanted to see or speak to me again. He then said he just needs a couple of days to figure things out and think about things but I really think he just wants to use for a couple of days without having to explain to me what he's doing and where his money is going.

He is constantly in the bathroom using nasal solution. Always sick with something and when he goes to the bathroom he turns the water on full blast so that I can't hear him go. He has admitted that he probably has nasal problems from when he did cocainee before but now I'm wondering if he's not using again just because of the money and his Jeckyl and Hyde personality toward me. He's threatened to break up with me every week for the last 3 weeks over nothing. Then tells me how wonderful his life is with me. I'm so confused and just don't know what to think. We had the most wonderful time together sexually last Friday and Saturday. He could go for hours but Friday night it took him all those hours to orgasm. The funny thing is, he warns me ahead of time that he might not orgasm when we have sex but that he's there to please me. Well, now I'm wondering if he knows he possibly won't orgasm because he's on something.

Does any of this make sense and can anyone tell me if I should run? I talked to one of his ex-wives last night and she told me this is exactly his pattern when he's using and he won't admit to me that he is but I just can't see what else it could be. Help!
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Old 6th March 2007, 5:22 PM   #2
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Ding dong.

Sounds to me like he is using again..

You have painted a VERY clear picture of the cocaine user.

I have had the misfortune of knowing a few, and their behaviour tallies with what you have described.

If youdecide to stay with him, you have a rocky road ahead of you and I am sorry to hear about it.

The coke is often the first lady in a R with a user....

Good luckmatey.
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Old 6th March 2007, 5:32 PM   #3
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Hey ClearWater- there was another thread about this exact same thing last week i think.

Tryand find it- its got some good tips... just type cocaine into search.
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Old 6th March 2007, 5:39 PM   #4
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I'm not an expert on coke, but yes, it does appear that he's using again. Addictions are really hard to break, so please don't set yourself up as his savior. He has to save himself.
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Old 7th March 2007, 1:02 PM   #5
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I talked with him yesterday and he told me he needs a few days to process everything that has happened since our fight and breakup Sunday night. Said he wants to call and talk to me this coming Friday and meet for dinner on Saturday. Said he wants to talk about our problems and do things right with us.
I told him that I want to support him with what he's going through and that everything makes sense to me now about his behavior. He asked what I was talking about and I told him that I believe he is using cocaine and he got highly offended by that and said he couldn't believe I would think he was doing that. I told him with his running the water in the bathroom, always using nasal spray and the bloody noses, the mood swings, the money withdrawals that it was obvious.
He then said he might have to rethink meeting me on Saturday night now because I think he's using again. He told me we both need to think about what we can and cannot live with in our relationship and he told me that his money was his business and if we try to work this out then I'm not to ask him any questions about what he's doing with it anymore. He started getting really irritated with me and said he wanted to get off the phone, that I need to respect his need to have a few days to process everything and he'll call me on Friday.
One thing I think I forgot to mention was Sunday night when we had the huge blowup I was standing in front of him trying to get him to calm down when he pushed me against the wall. He didn't slap me or hit me but it scared me a little. I know he was just trying to get me to get out of his way. I don't think he'd ever hurt me really. My neighbors called the police because after he did this and was gathering up his things to move out I took some of his books and threw them off my balconey into the back of his truck. When the police came I told them what happened and they filed a report on him for assault. I called yesterday and told them I wanted them to drop everything because he didn't actually hit me. They said they would. Well now my boyfriend wants me to type up a letter saying that he never hit me and that I lied to the police that way this can't ever come back on him. Said he wants that Saturday night before we have dinner or he won't even talk to me further.
Of course I want to believe he isn't doing cocaine but with the signs I'm reading about, it's so hard not to. He sounded so adamant that he's not using and was so offended by me thinking he is. I just know that this weekend when I bring this up and tell him I need him to come clean with me that it's just going to get him all irritated like it did today and cause a huge fight again and that will be it. He'll just get up and leave and I won't hear from him again. I don't want to lose this man as I love him dearly but I don't want to sit around and try to make myself believe he's not using either. I want to give this another try with him but not sure if we will end right back up where we were a few days ago. How do I get him to come clean with me and let him know that I will try to be here for him through this if I can? If I can stand the verbal assaults he throws at me when he's coming down.
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Old 7th March 2007, 1:12 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clearwater View Post
I don't want to lose this man as I love him dearly but I don't want to sit around and try to make myself believe he's not using either. I want to give this another try with him but not sure if we will end right back up where we were a few days ago. How do I get him to come clean with me and let him know that I will try to be here for him through this if I can? If I can stand the verbal assaults he throws at me when he's coming down.
Addicts usually need to hit rock bottom before they get to a point where they realize they have to stop using. By "supporting him" and "not wanting to lose him" you are not letting him see the full effects of his drug use. You are enabling him to carry on.

You have to let him go - for his own good - so he can see that using coke is messing up his life, and messing up the love he has in his life, and messing up all the people in his life.
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Old 7th March 2007, 1:18 PM   #7
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He is using again..

and you will hear all the good denial stories that an addict is capable of using to snow over the person they are involved with.

I think you have basically 2 options..

Kick him out and break up with him and never speak to him again

or confront him get him back into rehab and NA..

Personally I would possibly consider looking hard and long as to why you are in this relationship.. it seems he has been using most of the time he has known you and the only reason you have figured it out now is because you are monitoring the money he spends..
You might also look into contacting the police if you decide to break it off with him as he will not go quietly and you want to make sure you have your backup installed if you need it.

Please consider getting out of this.. he is using and now he is physically abusing you..yes pushing is physically abusing you
This mess has only ONE direction it can go at this point.. he isn't near hitting his bottom and you will be taken down with him.
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Old 7th March 2007, 1:28 PM   #8
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This isn't his first time using. I believe he's used off and on since 1991. He has been sober this time for 18 months.

He hasn't tried to contact me since Sunday night so it's definately HIM that has cut off contact. I haven't had to do that. I can't kick him out as he took all his stuff and moved out Sunday night in a rage as he was mad at me for questioning where the money is. I can confront him and kind of did today on the phone when we talked, that's when he denied it and got mad that I would think he's doing it.

So......confronting him and making him go into rehab I don't think is an option. If I get to meet with him this Saturday, the minute I confront him and and he denies it, I will tell him to stop the lies because I KNOW he's doing it, he will just get up and leave. So far, it's been easy for him not to contact me so I'm thinking it's not going to be hard for him to walk away from me Saturday evening.

That's the hard part is him walking out of my life even though I told him today that I will support him and not abandon him but only if he comes clean. I asked him if he's missed me at all since Sunday or wanted to call me and he said of course he has but he needs time to process everything. What if I can't get him to admit he's using and he gets furious and gets up and walks away from me and I don't hear from him? I want to think that his love for me is strong enough that it would hurt him to not have me in his life but at the same time I'm even more scared that he can just walk away from me like this too. I'm thinking if he loves me as much as he says he does, how can he possibly let our relationship go? I know I sound desperate here, and I am. I just know that he won't admit he's using and will make me feel so bad for even accusing him of it that I'll end up apologizing all over myself Saturday and feeling even worse about myself.
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Old 7th March 2007, 1:36 PM   #9
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He is an addict.. he is going to paint this with the blame you brush.. that is what we do as addicts part of our denial system is to make the issues about the other people in our life.. make it their fault and not ours.

It sounds to me that his bad temper helped you in the long run as he moved out..

Please do not accept him back into your home as a user.. if you have to call the police and have him removed then do so.

You might benefit from going to some Alanon meetings and learning about how the addict affects your life and how you lose who you are thru their addiction.
It can help you cope..
I know that Alanon is for people who are involved with an Alcoholic but they are very similar addictions as far as you are concerned.

You also might look into why you are allowing yourself to be so Codependent on him and his addiction..
Most people wouldn't hesitate to never look back and never speak to him again.

I know you have feelings for him but you need to keep this in perspective... you have only been involved with him 5 months..
He has a lot of issues that are going to take years to clear up if he stays clean.. So why would you want to burden yourself with that kind of baggage over someone you don't really know yet ?
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Old 7th March 2007, 2:16 PM   #10
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I know we have only been dating for 5 months but I have totally fallen for this guy. He has moved very quickly in this relationship. After a month and a half he asked me to marry him. Told me God has put us together and he will be my partner for life, will always be here for me and I can always count on him for anything I need. When he treats me good, it's incredible. But when he treats me bad, the verbal abuse is so hurtful. It's like how can he love me so much and put me up on a pedestal yet cuss me over almost nothing the next day. It keeps me confused as to whether he actually loves me or not. Now, I know HUGE red flag about him pursuing my so hard and fast especially about the marriage deal. I told him that we could marry in the future but only after we dated for at least a year and he showed me he was responsible financially. He has told me he has horrible credit because of his drug addiction and had stopped paying bills from his third marriage. He said he wants to get all that straight and taken care of before we merge our stuff together.

I don't know I'm codependent on him. I guess I want to rescue him and show him that if I love him enough he doesn't need to do any drugs. That might be naive and stupid I know. At the same time, I want him to realize all the things he's been saying to me like what a wonderful life we have together and how happy he is with me..........I want those words to mean something to him and "us" be more important to him than the drugs. Is this even possible or am I just totally dilusional?
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Old 7th March 2007, 2:31 PM   #11
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I know we have only been dating for 5 months but I have totally fallen for this guy. He has moved very quickly in this relationship. After a month and a half he asked me to marry him. But when he treats me bad, the verbal abuse is so hurtful. He has told me he has horrible credit because of his drug addiction and had stopped paying bills from his third marriage.
I guess I want to rescue him and show him that if I love him enough he doesn't need to do any drugs.
He moved quickly because he has learned that his relationships don't last long and they catch on to his addiction problems before they are hooked.

He Hooked you !!!!!! you didn't hook him...

You are Codependent on him.. re-read your last post.. it oozes Codependency.

Please understand that you haven't done anything wrong other than falling for an addict hook line and sinker..

Now is the time to get out.. in 6 more months you will so emboiled in his addiction that you will go down with him..

Your credit is at risk as well..

Why are you not seeing the huge Red Flags waving so loudly at you ?

Other than your feelings of love for this man he has done nothing for you except blame you for his problems.. pushed you.. had the policed called on you and him..
Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't add anything special to your life ?

Please go get some reading material on Codependancy..

YOU CANNOT FIX THIS MAN... By showing him you love him.. that is a very very foolish thing to think..
Please educate yourself on cocaine addiction..

I am an Alcoholic sober almost 20 years and I can tell you from experience that no matter what you say to him , no matter how much you love him that he will continue to use cocaine and suck you into his addiction..
Only he himself can clean himself up and he can only do it for himself.. he will not stay clean sobering up for you or for the relationship

This will in the end destroy your self esteem and your life..

Last edited by Art_Critic; 7th March 2007 at 2:33 PM..
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Old 7th March 2007, 3:27 PM   #12
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Clearwater, you do sound like quite a rational person, so hopefully that shines thru when you make your decisions.

One of my very close friends was in the same situation as you, and her addict BF lied and took money off her. When he was high, he took her with him and promised her the world. (she never did and never will touch coke) but when he needed his next hit he lied, begged money off to this day he hasn't repaid.
He totally broke her heart and I saw it happen in front of me.
Thankfully he is clean now, but they split before his addiction got really bad (ie he started smoking crack) and he was on the local dealers hit list.

I would get out if I were you CW, because as ArtCritic says, he is still in denial, and the only way to go right now is down- and he WILL take you with him.
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Old 7th March 2007, 3:52 PM   #13
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Yes, I try to be rational in my life. He has never asked me for a penny. Actually, just the opposite. Since he has moved into my place he has started paying half the rent, cable and electricity and makes sure that's the first check he writes when he gets paid. So, he's very responsible as far as that. He is always telling me that he'll buy the groceries and asking me if I need any money or if I ever do to just ask him. He keeps saying that what's his is mine and he will give me whatever I need. Money is not a big deal to him. His ex verified that and that fact that if he had his last $10.00 on him, he would give it to me if I needed it. He is one of the most generous people I've ever met and helps people out in this way.

However, just because he has never asked me for any money I guess doesn't mean that he won't. You guys are so nice to respond to me. I've never dated anyone who did drugs (that I knew about) and myself I've never even tried a cigarette. I'm feeling pretty foolish not to have recognized the signs, I just thought he had some quirky habits such as running the water in the bathroom and asking me to turn the tv up loud while he's in there. Always asking me what part of the apartment I was going to be in while he was in the bathroom. Still don't know why that mattered where I was in the apartment. Can't figure that one out.
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Old 7th March 2007, 4:20 PM   #14
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Yes, I try to be rational in my life. He has never asked me for a penny. Actually, just the opposite. Since he has moved into my place he has started paying half the rent, cable and electricity and makes sure that's the first check he writes when he gets paid. So, he's very responsible as far as that. He is always telling me that he'll buy the groceries and asking me if I need any money or if I ever do to just ask him. He keeps saying that what's his is mine and he will give me whatever I need. Money is not a big deal to him. His ex verified that and that fact that if he had his last $10.00 on him, he would give it to me if I needed it. He is one of the most generous people I've ever met and helps people out in this way.

However, just because he has never asked me for any money I guess doesn't mean that he won't. You guys are so nice to respond to me. I've never dated anyone who did drugs (that I knew about) and myself I've never even tried a cigarette. I'm feeling pretty foolish not to have recognized the signs, I just thought he had some quirky habits such as running the water in the bathroom and asking me to turn the tv up loud while he's in there. Always asking me what part of the apartment I was going to be in while he was in the bathroom. Still don't know why that mattered where I was in the apartment. Can't figure that one out.
Prob cos he has hidden his stash.
The thing about cocaine is that its an expensive drug, so often people who get addicted are financially able to afford it AND their lifestyle as well. Ie businessmen, doctors etc. And its a designer drug that can accompany a designer lifestyle.. I know another guy who makes ALOT of money at the stock exchange. He has an amazing house, a beautiful wife, they go on amazing holidays, but he has a sneaky coke habit that means regularly he gets aggressive, stays out all night, spends loads at lapdancing clubs, etc etc...

Don't feel naieve- you didn't know!
I really hope it works out for you.

I still think
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Old 7th March 2007, 4:33 PM   #15
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Oh, I was thinking that maybe he was wanting to know where I was going to be in the apartment when he was in the bathroom because he didn't want me to hear him snort maybe. I would just die if he has any at my place. I'd like to get a drug sniffing dog up to my apartment to see if anything turns up. Not sure if that's even possible for private citizens.

He does make good money so right now he can afford it but geez, at taking out $100.00 every day or every other day that adds up. How much or how long will $100.00 get you of cocaine. Is it something that lasts a day or two? I have no idea. I'm wondering if he's pulling out that kind of money how strong his addiction is. I went in my bathroom last night and looked under and around everything, felt behind the drawers and such and couldn't see anything. There have never been any straws in my house or pens that have been taken apart. I am wondering how he would sniff it in the bathroom without one of these two things as he has never carried anything in the bathroom with him when he goes.

This is going to sound gross and I can't believe I'm even going to admit it but this morning there were two wadded up tissues in the trash from the weekend of his. I pulled them out and pulled them apart looking for anything white and I did find a white dot of something on one of the pink tissues. I don't know if this is anything or not but the other tissue was white and had some blood on it so I wouldn't be able to see anything on it. I even got down at the level of my bathroom counters to see if I could see any residue on them that might be powder but there was nothing. Geez..........now I sound like the neurotic one. LOL
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