My Fiancee was physically Abused

[HOPER]

Hello,

 

I have been reading your postings after Googling these words, "Overbearing mother, abuse". I am engaged to a woman that I have been in a relationship with for 10 years! She is a wonderful women, though her family story and it's effects are incredibly complicated. I have stuck with her through a lot.

 

I am looking for some help in understanding her better. She is 38 and has never really fully dealt with implications of her child abuse (her father beat her and was very oppressive emotionally). For the past 3 years we have lived in different countries. She lives with her parents right now. We see each other every 2 months. I need to rip her away from her home but things have become so unhealthy there it is almost impossible to do. She wants to leave, and she wants to stay.

 

Her mother is completely overbearing. I have never known anyone like her. She calls my fiancee ever 2 or 3 hours on her cell phone just to check in, questions like where she is, did she eat, where's she going, is she safe. Her mothers life revolves around my fiancee. Her father is jealous because of her mother's relationship with her, and in fact this mother spends most of her time with her daughter and not her husband.

 

My love is huge for her (my fiancee) of course, however I cannot marry into this situation as it stands. Because my fiancee's connection to her family is so unhealthy and strong she is refusing to leave her country. I am considering changing countries and languages etc. to be with her. It is a real possibility. In fact I already have a job lined up. However, I will not get married under these circumstances unless my fiancee commits to dealing with the problems in her family. I come from a happy family. I am sacraficing a lot to make this move, but I won't move into abuse for myself. I need some advice about how to understand my fiancee as an abuse survivor. Can anyone be of help?

 

Thanks

[inertia_creeps]

Hi mate - glad you posted here. I will try to give you my opinion, but as you probably guessed its hard to diagnose problems over the internet without actually being there. Apologies for using the quotes - just helsp me break things down and add my comments. Here goes:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am looking for some help in understanding her better. She is 38 and has never really fully dealt with implications of her child abuse (her father beat her and was very oppressive emotionally). For the past 3 years we have lived in different countries. She lives with her parents right now. We see each other every 2 months. I need to rip her away from her home but things have become so unhealthy there it is almost impossible to do. She wants to leave, and she wants to stay.

 

You are on the right track, in trying to understand her. That sadly is probably all you can do at the moment - be a pillar of support, try to understand her and what she has been through - do not, whatever you do, force anything upon her - suggestions, your thoughts, your ideas on what she has been through - it could go completely the other way for you. The trouble with abuse, especially from parents is that its such a damaging, complex thing for someone to deal with, they may not even want to ever fac up to what happened. It really depends on the inividual. When we are born, we are raised to love our parents and think that they love us too. They are supposed to be the figure of authority, to love us and make us feel safe and protect us. Of course that is what we grow up to believe, and many of us have that, sadly lots of people dont - one of those people is your partner. Your girlfriends father has abused his position an in the process he has damaged her. I would imagine she is very confused when she thinks about what has happened. Here is her father who is supposed to love and protect her, and he does exactly the opposite - he hurts her and oppresses her. All other aspects may come into play - for example your parents place a roof over your head, they feed you - yet when they do something bad like that, what should you think of them? The point i am trying to make is that these issues involving family are so deep rooted and hurtful that sometimes the easier path for people is to bury them and not deal with it at all.

 

 

 

 

Her mother is completely overbearing. I have never known anyone like her. She calls my fiancee ever 2 or 3 hours on her cell phone just to check in, questions like where she is, did she eat, where's she going, is she safe. Her mothers life revolves around my fiancee. Her father is jealous because of her mother's relationship with her, and in fact this mother spends most of her time with her daughter and not her husband.

 

 

What does the above tell you? Her mother behaves like that mainly out of guilt i should suspect. Guilt for not intervening with regards to the abuse, Guilt for choosing a poor father to her daughter. If he is as bad as your fiancee says - no wonder her mother wants to spend more time with her. All this being overbearing i suspect is down to making up for the past. Of course this may seem ludicrous to you and i - from the outside, but guilt is a powerful thing and can make people behave in ways that are irrational or unacceptable. Put yourself in her mothers shoes for moment - she goes to bed every night knowing what her husband did to their child. Im not saying feel sorry for her, but that must be some heavy baggage to deal with.

 

 

My love is huge for her (my fiancee) of course, however I cannot marry into this situation as it stands. Because my fiancee's connection to her family is so unhealthy and strong she is refusing to leave her country. I am considering changing countries and languages etc. to be with her. It is a real possibility. In fact I already have a job lined up. However, I will not get married under these circumstances unless my fiancee commits to dealing with the problems in her family. I come from a happy family. I am sacraficing a lot to make this move, but I won't move into abuse for myself. I need some advice about how to understand my fiancee as an abuse survivor. Can anyone be of help?

 

It is very hard to love someone who is in a situation like this. Perhaps its not your fiancees connection to her family, but their conection to her. She may be refusing to leave the country because she has fears and worries deep down. Although slightly different, i was sexually abused as a child and for reasons personal to me, i dont like being away from home for very long. I also rarely sleep at other peoples houses, because there is still some niggling fear in my mind. That is how it is for some victims of abuse sadly, and it may never change.

My friend all i can suggest is that you take the softly softly approach with your fiancee and tell her what you have been observing. Trying to force the situation could really blow up in your face and you could end up losing her. I sympathise with your frustrations, however you are dealing with someone who is emotionally scarred and therefore normal logic probably wont apply.

I hope some of the above has helped, if not, just tell me to shut up!

 

Good luck and let us know how you get on...