Just a few questions

[jessh]

Hi All,

 

I'm new here and have a few questions. My ex husband was both verbally and physically abusive to me. He shot two of our dogs when he was angry with me to teach me a lesson, called me fat,ugly,stupid,and put me down every chance he got both privately and around friends. There was by far much more verbal abuse then physical. However it is also the verbal abuse that I believe has caused the most damage. I knew what he was doing and I knew I didn't love him but never left because he threatened to kill either my animals, my parents, or himself. As awful as it sounds I used to pray he would kill himself. Then there would've been an out without the fear of him doing something to my animals or family. I can't count the times he threatened me with a loaded gun or either threatened to hurt or did hurt one of my animals if he was angry with me. He broke me down to the point that although I knew it was wrong I would apologize to him after to make peace. He never punched me and the worst of the physical abuse occured when our dogs got into a fight one day. My boxer and his beagle started fighting and he was beating my boxer over the head with a rolling pin even after the fight had broken up. I went over to get him to stop and he turned and cracked me over the head with it and split my head open with our two year old girl watching. I never called the cops he'd been sure to inform me that a piece of paper wouldn't stop him from getting to me or my family. About 6 months after this incedent he left to meet someone he'd been talking to on the internet. Came back for a week and then moved out to be with her. He moved from Vermont to Deleware. I was never sad and felt very relieved. For a while I gained back all the confidence I had lost. We had met when I was fifteen and he was nineteen. My parents never approved of him or our relationship. we got married when I was 23 and had our only child when I was 26 after he had started counciling and medication. When he was in counciling and on medication life was good. However he stopped both after a year and that was when things got BAD. After he moved I met a wonderful,giving ,caring person. My ex moved back to VT and in the meantime I moved to NY to live with my boyfriend. After a ugly divorce and custody battle I got custody of our daughter, she had lived with my ex for almost a year in VT and I went and got her every weekend. My ex was never abusive to anyone but me and even with all the anger and hate I have for him I can honestly say he is a good father to her. Though I know the example he set for her in his treatment of me was wrong. I wasn't happy with this arrangement but he told me he'd kill me and everyone I cared about if I tried to get custody of her. My boyfriend was the one who convinced me that until I stood up to my ex and got custody of my daughter he would continue to have what he wanted over me CONTROL. As hard as it was I faced my fears of what he would do and got my daughter back. Sorry this is so long but I thought some history would help. Now as for my current issue. As I said earlier when my ex left I regained my confidence and was able to voice my opinions and talk about my feelings and was just able to communicate in general. however I started to notice that the closer I got to my boyfriend the more I started to shut down. This has happened over several months. I am no longer able to communicate my feelings or expess anger and it has even gotten to the point where I analize and worry about everything I say and do. I can no longer even reach out to hold his hand without worrying he might not want me to. Nothing has changed with him. He is still the most wonderful,kindest person I know. However my inabillity to communicate is causing problems. I can't understand why I've gone back to beating myself up mentally and lost all the confidence I had gained and am no longer able to express myself without fear. I would've thought this would've happened right after the break up with my ex but that was when I was most confident and regained my self esteem now two years after I find myself attacking and beating myself up almost as much as my ex did. I doubt every thing about myself and although I am aware of this and it is harming my current relationship I just can't seem to fix what's broken inside and just don't understand where the confidence and self esteem I had regained went. My boyfriend wants to know where the confident,smart, and quite opinionated person he met two years ago has gone to and I have to admit so do I . I'm just so afraid of doing or saying something wrong even though there is no basis for that fear. I don't want to lose him but yet by shutting down and being unable to communicate I am doing what I fear most which is pushing him away. He is very patient and is trying to understand and help me get through this but at the same time says we have to figure out how to fix what's wrong because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone who doesn't communicate or has none of there own opinions or ideas which I can fully understand. What I don't understand is how I regressed to this point after two years of being out of my abusive situation when there was no cause that I can think of any thoughts or suggestions would be very helpful.

Sorry this is so long and thanks in advance.

 

Jess

[blind_otter]

Did you receive counseling for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)? Because from what you describe, that's a definite possibility in your case. There are a lot of people with PTSD who come from domestic violence situations. living with a constant threat to your life, or the lives of your loved ones, has permanently damaging effects.

[jessh]

I have not gone to counciling. I guess I thought because I seemed fine right after my ex and I seperated that I wasn't effected by it and understood it and that it didn't have any lasting effects. For a while I was very confident and my self esteem was excellent. It's just been over the last three or four months that I seem to have regressed. I just can't seem to figure out what has caused me to regress so long after though and I can't think of a single trigger that would've caused me to regress to this point when right after there didn't seem to be any effects mentally from the abuse. I have thought about counciling but right now I don't have insurance. Although if that is indeed what I need to fix this I will find a way. Are there any good self help programs that also work? Or books that will help me understand why I've become this way so long after the abuse happened?

[littlekitty]

Have you started fighting for custody? Could it be this that is making you feel insecure and scared like you were back then again?

[jessh]

The custody and divorce are final. I got full custody in November. My ex is actually now kissing my butt because he knows he no longer has control over me and knows if he pulls any B.S. with me he will lose vistation rights.

[blind_otter]

I have not gone to counciling. I guess I thought because I seemed fine right after my ex and I seperated that I wasn't effected by it and understood it and that it didn't have any lasting effects. For a while I was very confident and my self esteem was excellent. It's just been over the last three or four months that I seem to have regressed. I just can't seem to figure out what has caused me to regress so long after though and I can't think of a single trigger that would've caused me to regress to this point when right after there didn't seem to be any effects mentally from the abuse. I have thought about counciling but right now I don't have insurance. Although if that is indeed what I need to fix this I will find a way. Are there any good self help programs that also work? Or books that will help me understand why I've become this way so long after the abuse happened?

 

it's normal to experience emotional numbness for a period of months or even years after the abuse occurs.

 

Your mind partitions off the emotional reactions that you should have had, at the time, because you didn't feel "safe" enough to experience the full range of emotional reaction to the degradation and abuse that you suffered.

 

A great book that has helped me is "I Can't Get Over It" by Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis

 

It took years for me to begin reacting to two rapes I suffered as a teen. The delay is very normal.

[jessh]

Thank you. That makes me feel a little better, knowing that this is normal even after being ok for two years. I was beginning to think I was going crazy. I guess I just wasn't able to believe that this could be effecting me in this way now but from the way you've explained it I guess I sort of understand. In a way if I'm getting this my mind was protecting me from dealing with it and now that I feel SAFE my mind believes I'm ready to start coming to terms and dealing with what happened?

[blind_otter]

Thank you. That makes me feel a little better, knowing that this is normal even after being ok for two years. I was beginning to think I was going crazy. I guess I just wasn't able to believe that this could be effecting me in this way now but from the way you've explained it I guess I sort of understand. In a way if I'm getting this my mind was protecting me from dealing with it and now that I feel SAFE my mind believes I'm ready to start coming to terms and dealing with what happened?

 

Exactly. And that's a good sign that you have a good, nuturing relationship with your BF, because you wouldn't feel safe to express this openly unless it was like that.

 

But I would definately do some reading, or counseling if you're interested. There's a technique called EMDR (google it) that has been used recently with PTSD patients with some success. I haven't don it myself, though.

[jessh]

Thank you. I will google that and see what is at the book store. If that doesn't help I will get counciling. I just didn't realize just how much it has damaged my self esteem and ability to communicate and to have it just creep up on me like this after all that time. Well it was beginning to scare me. However what you've said does make total sense to me.... thank you again...