should i stay or should i go now

[TrappedScaredAlone]

I dont know where to start and I could go on for weeks writing what I've been through with my current boyfriend. But first I must tell you that my dad physically and emotionally abused me around ages 11-14. I have a little sister that he has never abused at all, just me. He used to lock me in my room with a padlock (for so long I remember having to pee on the carpet in my closet) when I made my sister cry, and that was after he hit me.

 

My dad stopped abusing me around seventh grade, when he knew I was old enough to know it was wrong. I started my period in seventh grade and became depressed. I sought counseling for my childhood trauma but it's very difficult to get over something when nobody believes it happened or in my dad's case, would not admit to it.

 

During the years he abused me, I would say he had an alcohol problem and only hit me when he was intoxicated. I guess I will never know if he really doesn't remember(he did admit to "smacking me around sometimes") what he did to me that has scarred me for life or if he doesn't want to go through the family embarrassment. He has never hit my mom or my little sister, just me. Me and my little sister are four years apart. She has always been the princess and has always gotten away with everything. That should be obvious since my dad hit me and never her(although I would never want to see my little sister being abused anyways).

 

Anyways, about 2-3 years after my dad stopped hitting me, I meet my first boyfriend, have my first kiss, lose my virginity at age 15 1/2. He has a chronic lieing problem, he lies about the littlest thing to the biggest things. This has been going on for our whole relationship. Matter of fact, last time we broke up and started going out again he said his lieing days are over. Then not too long after that, I caught him in a lie after lie after lie.

 

Fast forward a few years(too much drama to list).....me and him broke up and got back together MANY times in that five year period. One reason I am staying with him is because I am (as far as I know) the only person he has had sex with. Also, we lost our virginity to each other and are each other's "first love" and we were highschool sweethearts.

 

 

Im sorry if this all seems jumbled around but my life has been jumbled around for so long, my thoughts and thinking processes are jumbled too. I think it was when I was 16 when he almost choked me to death. I know, I should of left then.....but I didn't, so the story continues. He has hit me, shoved me, pushed me, grabbed me, shook me, thrown me, scratched me, spit in my face, yelled at me, picked me up and dropped me countless times.....He is constantly putting me down, calling me names, making fun of me in front of his friends, constantly "joking" at my expense after I have asked him many times to stop, never listens to my opinion or he changes the subject when I start talking about something that is important to me, he has VERY controlling and possessive behaviors.

 

In highschool, he made me stop talking to and hanging out with all of my friends. To this date I have no friends. He accuses me about everyday. He can't get over the past, he is constantly living in the past. He is still accusing me of ex boyfriends even though I have no physical contact with them. He will accuse me of random people who look at me or walk by. BUT I do the same thing to him.

 

I am sick of being "pooped on", as I like to call it. So I think when I was about 18 I started fighting back. I have punched him in the face, scratched him, kicked him and yes, I have called him names back. But the thing is, he will keep on going and going with a fight until I fight back or get really upset and start crying. If I try to not let it bother me and brush it off, he will keep on going until I lash out back at him or start uncontrollably sobbing. I know he does it to try and control every move I make. Just last week, he raised his hand to hit or smack me because I wasnt playing the video game right. Then a day before he knew my neck was KILLING me cuz it was stiff and sore, he came in the room and out of nowhere shoved me, therefore making my neck whip back unexpectedly.

 

Last week, I found some anorexic model calender in his dads room and accused him of looking at it cuz stuff was moved around (his dad wasnt home the night before or that day) and when i found it he got enraged and grabbed my face/chin/throat 3 or 4 different times and pushed/shoved me onto the bed(thankfully). He threatened me saying "im gunna kick your butt."(he said other words that i cannot post here) The other day he threatened me again saying "im gunna punch you in the face." There are many, many other instances but I try to block out bad things so I tend to "forget" some bad experiences I've had.

 

Some of the reasons I am still with him; he has not cheated on me (that i know of but i dont think he is secure enough to do that), we have lots of memories and history together(I experienced many new things/places/people with him and it is SO hard to forget that HE was the one who introduced me to certain things/places/people)he has only had sex with me(that he has told me) and he buys me stuff although I have to clean his house in return. Another thing, when we have sex and I say it hurts he doesnt stop until he gets off. And then if he gets horny and wants sex but i dont want it, he gets really pissed at me and complains about it until he gets what he wants. He's like that with everything though. We are both extrememly jealous of each other but he is the only boyfriend who I have felt this jealousy so strong. I feel as if Im becoming more like him everyday, which I Think, is what he secretely wants. Another note, he has been addicted to pot since he was 13, smokes very heavily everyday since then and says he never wants to quit.

 

Everytime he abuses me and I ask why, he blames it on me because I usually accuse him of someone/something OR he says he needs nicotine/pot/sex. Yes I do accuse him but its because I want positive attention/love from him, and I have told him this many times. He is such a negative person about life in general and quite ignorant as well. He seems to only be happy with me when he gets what he wants (i.e. sex, going to the mall to check out girls, or if i buy him something) He likes to put on a show for his friends, he is extra nice and attentive to me when his friends are around, which is not that often. And then I react negatively because I notice he only does it when his friends are around.

 

I am VERY confused along with feeling trapped, scared and alone. I don't know what to do with my situation. I dont have any friends and I have no one else to talk to about it. I have vented some of my feelings and experiences with strangers online but thats about it. I stopped going to counseling when I was in senior year I think, after I got off Zoloft for the depression I had. But it has relapsed many times since then, I just dont want to be considered a failure by my family again. My family is all I got really and I don't wanna let them down anymore. I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD) now and thats why I think I shouild move out of Maine, it might be good for me.

 

 

I am also afraid of what will happen if we break up since I dont have a car I am almost always home. I am afraid he will keep calling me and coming over my house if we break up and make it so much harder for me to let him go. I think I do love him and I think he does love me, which makes it sooo much harder to let go of him. He can be the sweetest cutest guy when the mood strikes him, which also makes it harder to let go of him. And when we break up and I date other people, I am constantly reminded of him and regrettably end up comparing my new boyfriend with the old one. I KNOW Im not supposed to do that but it is really hard for me not to do, I dont know why.

 

I dont like counseling because the last time I went there, they kept changing my counselor so as soon as I got to know one of them, they would move away and I would get another counselor. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with someone and get to know them and open up to them......... thats another reason why it is too hard to break up with my bf. It's like this...my boyfriend is my only real and somewhat secure relationship, even if it is bad for my health.

 

I want advice and I want to hear other people's similar experiences....I have never met or talked to someone with a story like mine. I HAVE A HUGE FEAR OF BEING ALONE AND DIEING ALONE, so I guess I would rather be in an abusive relationship then none at all. Even though other guys want to date me right now, I am scared to start a new relationship. My abusive boyfriend is the only guy who has ever made me orgasm and I am afraid that it will take me a long time to get on that sex comfort level that I am at with my abusive boyfriend. It's like when we have sex it is the only time we really get along and seem to love each other.

 

It seems everytime I meet someone nice for a boyfriend, I automatically think I don't deserve him and he deserves better then a loser with emotional baggage like me and I end up pushing him away and/or ruining the relationship usually by going back to my current boyfriend because I think my body/mind are conditioned to his treatment and somehow he has gotten me to believe that that is all I deserve. He also tells me how no one else would ever put up with my crap and I tell him the same back, because it is true. I will be amazed if anyone can understand all the jibberjabber I just wrote.....I will be waiting here, confused, lost, scared, trapped, alone but searching for the right thing to do because I WANT TO BE HAPPY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But then again, I don't wanna mess this up if we are meant to be together!!

[Bluto Blutarsky]

Trapped,

 

Your childhood is exactly like mine was. Abusive alcoholic father, passive mother, etc etc.

 

During the early part of my adulthood, I found myself attracted to abusive women. It wasn't the abuse I was looking for, apparantly it was the entire personality that an abuser has. They are exciting, they keep you on your toes; in a way, there is never a dull moment when their around. You never know what to expect.

 

But that lifestyle becomes sooooo familiar that, a life of peace and stability just freaked me out. It wasn't that I didn't think I was ever good enough, it was that not having all the drama, fear, and excitement was just incredibly uncomfortable.

 

The other thing that abused people do, I've learned, is that they have a lifetime curse to subconsciously "win over" the abusive parent through their significant other. We go through life wondering why we always end up with abusers. The reason, I think, is that deep down, the emotional trauma our abusive parents caused must have been our fault. So, in a way, we feel: if we can get our significant other to stop this abuse, it somehow clears the damage from our parents and makes us whole again (or, for once). So we go on and on; always picking abusers so we can conquor this lifelong quest. When we do find someone that actually wants to love us, we can't stand the unfamiliar feeling of calm. So, we get rid of that person and find one that our subconscience is comfortable with, someone we find more attractive; in our case, an abuser.

 

The downside is, we will never be able to stop the abuse on our own. These people have issues that can only be resolved by professionals. The abuse is driven by their own internal anger at tehmselves or their own abuse from their childhood, and outwardly directed at us.

 

Abuse is NEVER the abused's fault!! Did you get that? NEVER our fault. No behavior a person can do warrants abuse. But yet, we take it because we see "who that person is" behind the abuse. We want to fix that scared puppy and make them whole. But we can't. All we can do is fix ourselves and make us whole. The first step in that process is to draw a firm, hard, inflexible boundry to NEVER tolerate abuse.

 

From your childhood, and mine, I believe I can safely assume your self esteem, dignity, and pride are severly damaged. If you couple that with our "fix it" quest, we are destined to continually find abusive people to get involved with and continue the degridation of self.

 

All that being said; my recommendation is this: get this person, and all other abusive people out of your life, swear off relationships for a time, GET SOME COUNSELING, and forgive yourself. You are NOT the cause of anyone's abusive behavior! EVER!

 

Most people that have been abused in childhood suffer from, among sevral other things, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

 

I'm not a psychologist at all; but I have gone through the same thing you seem to be going through. These days, at the first sign of abuse, beit emotional, physical, substance, whatever, I'm gone. I have no tolerance for it. I have gone through depression, substance abuse, addictions and recoveries, etc. All in a quest to bury the pain of my past. Yet, I've kept my past haunting me by selecting the people I paired up with.

 

It took 2 years of therapy to get my self respect, dignity, and self esteem back in tact. During the first year, I didn't date and just concentrated on getting my life on track.

 

You have a tough decision to make. And every decision starts TODAY. Everyday you wake up and don't stop this cycle, you decide to do it again. Rush (the band) has a line in one of their songs that it so true:

 

By chosing not to decide, you still have made a choice

 

 

Today is the day to decide to stop it. Trust me, it's a very hard and scary road in front of you to fix it. You will be extremly uncomfortable with the peace and calm at first. But, before long, it will be the only life you accept.

 

Abusive relationships are just as addictive as narcotics. You find that you just can't live without it.

 

Good luck to you; I hope you make the decision soon and seek out a therapist.

[Craig]

Welcome to the shack You'll find many people here with stories similar to yours--not in the details necessarily but similar in how the abuser acts.

 

Have a look at this thread on "How do you recover from child abuse?"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77326/

 

I HAVE A HUGE FEAR OF BEING ALONE AND DIEING ALONE, so I guess I would rather be in an abusive relationship then none at all.

Good point but would you really want your abusive bf standing over your death bed calling you names and abusing you for dying?

Blind_Otter posted this recently, I thought it was pretty good so here it is...

 

FOR THE RECORD - I am using "HE" and "SHE" as a grammatical convention and a writing shortcut, these can be true for women who are abusive to men as well.

 

Usually there is a history of abuse, an extensive one. If not as an adult, as a child. So the child gets conditioned to believe that people who love them behave in that way. It's like hearing a loud sound constantly until you become mildly deaf. Then you can be groovin' along to noise that would drive most people insane.

 

And so that dynamic is what is familiar, comfortable, the "known". Women like this will get involved with men who are not abusive and say "He's boring" or "He's just too nice" because it is outside of their worldview and what they view as normal behavior in relationships.

 

After a while a woman's own body will betray her. Her adrenal glands become literally exhausted, and she stops having normal emotional reactions to things. She may develop an anxiety disorder, have somatic symptoms, and focus her attention inwardly because she is constantly told by the one who isolates her and is around her all the time that things are all in her head. That the reality she experiences is not reality, but some paranoid delusion.

 

It's basically reconditioning, brainwashing. Look up STOCKHOLM SYNDROME -- it's called "Trauma Bonding". The victim will bond to their abuser. It's a bond that has to basically be deprogrammed out of the abuse survivor's head. Sometimes they can do it alone, sometimes they need outside help. After a certain amount of time of constantly thinking that your own mind is betraying you, it can be difficult to trust ANYONE, let alone yourself.

 

After a time the abuser doesn't even need to tell the abuse victim to shut up, or do this, or do that. She will think those things for him. He gets her to do the work. She will try to predict his demands in order to avoid the abuse that she has been conditioned to expect, even before she met her abuser.

 

The vicious cycle continues when the woman has children, and they see this death dance, and pantomime the patterns of relating to the opposite sex that they learn at their mother's breast.

 

************************

 

Also have a look at this link, I'll be back later today or tomorrow to post more...

 

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

[suga]

I was in an abusive relationship...we broke up a million times...I am married to him and seperated now for 5 months so I can get a divorce in 1 more month.

 

I had no friends because every time I was with anyone girl/guy or anyone he would tell me who I could and couldnt talk to wich was almost everyone...I was always terrified of not being around when he needed me and getting hurt by him...I would be alone all the time and he started leaving all the time...he always did what he wanted...I am not a jealous person...but when someone treats you like that then thinks they are going to do the things that they wont let you do without hurting you then you start getting pissed.

 

I would leave this guy you are with...stop worrying so much about him and start caring about yourself first...it may be hard and lonely at first but you will heal and get better...you can be happy again one day.

[Craig]

I will be amazed if anyone can understand all the jibberjabber I just wrote.....I will be waiting here, confused, lost, scared, trapped, alone but searching for the right thing to do because I WANT TO BE HAPPY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But then again, I don't wanna mess this up if we are meant to be together!!

Yeah, you should leave him. Things will not get better, he isn't the one for you, you and he are not meant to be together.

 

You are confused because deep down inside you know what you should do but are almost willing to gamble that it just might work in spite of everything going against it.

 

TrappedScaredAlone, you are a text book case of a survivor of abuse. Millions of women and men are in your exact same place right now and have the same doubts, questions, what ifs', etc. that you do. History has shown over and over and over again that relationships like the one you are in do not get better and if the physical or emotional abuse declines other types of abuse take over. It is a no win relationship that was doomed before you even met him.

 

Of course you're going to feel scared and alone--it's going to take alot to leave him and not come back.

 

My recommendation is seek counseling at local Domestic Violence Center, call their office (not the hotline) and ask to talk to an advocate or counsellor. Tell them everything you've said here and they'll be able to point you in the right direction. Individual counseling there will be great and if they have a group counseling thing that you can get into you'll find other women there who seem to be telling your story and you will feel like you've finally found someone that understands you and your situation.

 

Make the call as soon as you can today or tomorrow first thing.

 

Best wishes,

 

Craig

[bleeding heart]

i can relate to how you feel, i am only 16 and my boyfriend abuses me and hes 16 too! i hate my life, he doesnt let me go see my friends or spend time with family and always acuses me of cheating! it makes me think why shouldnt i cheat if hes acusing me? i hate him so much but im petrified of him making me too afraid to leave and now i feel as though my life is completely over!

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Wow girl, I was 16 when my current boyfriend almost killed me by choking me.....and look at where I still am today. The abuse only gets worse because the abuser knows the victim is weaker the longer he/she stays inthe abusive relationship. He's taking advantage of you, you can't change the way he is. I have learned a lot out of getting advice on this forum and now Im passing it on to you. We started dating in sophmore year of highschool which was November of 2000. Now it is almost May of 2006. We have broken up and gotten back together so many times because (I've been told) he has brainwashed me into thinking he is all I deserve and that nobody else would ever put upwith me. Hope this helps some, let me know.......I just don't want you ending up in the same situation as I am in right now. It is SOOO hard to leave someone who you know so well(good and bad) and are comfortable around completely even though he does abuse me. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Dump him on a weekend and leave for the weekend on a trrip or something to get away from him while he's the maddest, let him cool down for a few days. Get away longer if you can, Im sure your parents will understand. Then if you get back and he still wont leave you alone, go to the police or the school cop to make sure he stays away from you at school so you can focus on your schoolwork. Let me know how your doing girl friend! (this little guy is so cute!)

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hello again everybody.............It has been about a week or two since my boyfriend has physically abused me. We have been doing pretty well. Well actually we were fighting/arguing(nothing physical) for days because I have been really stressed out lately so i didnt wanna have sex with him for about a week or so...............So he was pissed at me and was accusing me of cheating on him just because i didnt wanna have sex with him, then when i did give in and have sex with him he was much happier and finally shut up after a week of everyday complaining/fighting/accusing. Did I do the right thing? Are all guys like this when they dont get sex? My boyfriend said that he would not be wasting his time on me if I didnt have sex with him, he said he would not waste money or gas or time on a girl that wouldnt have sex with him. I am very confused about this and I dont know what to believe anymore!!! OR what to do, or where to go!!! I wish more people would give me advice on this thing, Im having a very tough time finding websites where you can get free advice on and Im running out of time before I think Im going to go insane! Even though we are doing good this week........I am wondering how long it will last, ya know?

[jhurtinct]

Get out fast don't look back run now go anywhere that is away from him.

 

Thats the advice your going to get take it and go. No matter how hard it seems right now picture how wonderful your life can and will be not going through all this mess.

 

You have the ability to make a dicision and stick to it. Give yourself some encouragment and don't stay for another second. Picture what life would be like having someone how loved and appreciated you, who gave you nothing but kind words and affection and was honest and didn't feel the need to control you. That person is out there believe me and you aren't going to find him in the MF'er your with now.

 

I just left my sons father a week ago and he wasn't phyiscally abusive but always mentally and emotionally abusive, I was scared to do it alone and wanted my son to have his father, until last week when he put his hands on me. I wanted to and almost tried to kill him NO MAN WILL EVEEER PUT HIS HANDS ON ME, I then called the police we were BOTH arrested and I am glad because I would have stayed and wasted more time of my short life with him. Not only that atleast now my son is doing great and he will hopefully grow up to know how to really treat a women instead of watching and learning how his father treated me.

 

You will never be able to marry and have children with this man, would you allow him to abuse your children also? Just something to think about.

 

Please get out and get yourself some help.

[suga]

I think the only people who are telling you to stay is your man and his friends and family...the people who are there FOR YOU are going to tell you to leave...then you have to be secure enough in yourself to respect the people who are there FOR YOU in order to relize they are right...things will get better...you need to change your thinking first and the first step is to get away from him.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Last night my boyfriend offered to pay me $20 to give him head. I refused because I had just gone to my first funeral that day for my 101 year old great grandmother. I was exhausted and sad, and still sore from the night before. He became angered at me because I said no. As I prevoiusly wrote on here, we had just had sex the night before!!!! After I said no he says, "Fine then forget it, im not giving you the money tomorrow because you are gunna have sex with me!" Then later he says, "I just wanted to see what you were gunna say when I offered you money. I shouldn't have to give you money to do sexual favors for me." What kind of game is he playing here?

[samsungxoxo]

Trappedantscare are you really looking for synpathy, cuz that's what it seems. What part don't you understand that he's abusive, full of bs and will never change. He doesn't care nor will ever care about your safety and has no respect towards women. Why are you putting up with this crap, leave him already, aren't you listening to what the posters are telling you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[suga]

I know it is gonna hurt you to leave...just do the damn thing and be alone goddamit...I mean come on...he better be doing something for you for you to be hangin around mabey he is teaching you rocket science so you will make millions???...he sounds like an loser anyway...like a sad pathetic nobody...and dont feal sorry for him either cause he doesnt feal sorry for you now does he.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hey everybody! Today I only spent about 1 hour with him And I feel pretty good! I have been trying to act distant around him the past few days. And today he said "we dont even act like we're going out anymore." I spent all day with my mom and I spoke to her about something's dealing with my boyfriend and the advice I've been getting on here. So I've spent time away from him today to think about it and I really do want to break up with him. I feel no attraction to him and when he gives me a peck on the lips I get grossed out kind of and wipe my lips after without him looking of course. I've stopped saying i love you and if he makes me say it i say la-u-2-bye. real quick like that. So I plan on dumping him tomorrow once I get my new moped on the road, then if he wants to come to my house I can LEAVE!!! YAY lol. It kind of stinks that Its the time of the month when I decide to dump him, so Im gunna be more emotional then normally, meaning I'll probably cry from the stress and the guilt. But I think Ill be OK, especially as soon as I get a job and get my mind off of him/my past. I just gotta keep busy! Im going to try exercising more...I bought the Ab Lounge last week and use that every other day. I've been trying to go for a walk every other day, Ill increase that to every day. Im getting a treadmill next week so Ill be able to go for walks even when the weather's bad and when it gets hot outside! Does anyone have any other suggestions to keep my mind off of him? Am I doing the right thing? Today when my boyfriend saw me at the end of the day he was upset and kind of mad because I was "so happy" after spending a whole day away from him. I wanna go out with someone who likes to see me happy, not complain when i am happy so then he puts me in a bad mood. JEEZ what's wrong with him??? More advice please All I wanna do is understand him, Im thinking of buying a book or two on healing after getting out of an abusive relationship or something along those lines. Everyone here has taught me many new different things that I should of learned years ago, and definately could of used years ago. Thank you all so very much for your support, understanding and advice! You showed me the light at the end of this tunnel in my life. And I will be forever grateful for that. Take Care Everybody.

[samsungxoxo]

Finally it's about time you open you eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!! What took you so long, remember "Once an abuser, always an abuser". So have you dump him yet, if not, do it now. Call him and say something like "Have a nice life and I hope you find a girl likes getting hit, I'm done with you bye", then hang up.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hello everyone! I officially told him it was OVER this morning around 10:30am on today's date of May 7th, 2006 on this sunny Sunday! I fumbled at first with my words. I said things like: "Why should we go out anymore?" and "Whats the point of us going out?" And then I told him I don't want to go out with him anymore and I am sick of his sh*t and I can't deal with it anymore and we are DONE, aka IT IS OVER!!! His first reactions were: "You can't break up with me. We're not going to break up. We'll talk about things and we'll fix them. Ill be over later." Then I told him NO it is over and he was still trying to tell me what to do and control me after I said that. Then I hang up on him and he calls back like 10 times until I finally answer after he leaves 5 voicemail messages. He says "Your really breaking my heart you know." I told him I cant take his sh*t anymore and i dont wanna go out with him anymore....it is over." And I hung up. Me and my mom left for 30-45 minutes and I guess he came over my house in his car and told my dad, "have her call me and tell her to give back my car key." So when I got back he wasn't here(thankfully!) and I put his key in an envelope in our mailbox. I left him a text message, "your car key is in my mailbox." And that was the end of that HOPEFULLY!!! Im looking into buying a couple of self help workbooks to assist me through this......any advice on the books or what to do/what to expect after experiencing this whole situation? Ill be checking back here hourly!! Im eagerly awaiting responses!!!

[Alexandra]

Im looking into buying a couple of self help workbooks to assist me through this......any advice on the books or what to do/what to expect after experiencing this whole situation? Ill be checking back here hourly!! Im eagerly awaiting responses!!!

 

I've been following your posts TSA and all I can say is "Congratulations, you've come a very long way." You have not only accepted advice of the hard-to-swallow and difficult-to-act-on sort but progressed relatively fast.

 

Something is not sounding right though so let me ask so that I don't make the wrong asumption. You're still living at home and the father that abused you is present?

 

If I got that right I have to be honest and say that you need to get over the questionable reasons you quote for disliking therapy. Not only do you need it (and it will probably help you cope with this break up as well) but you need to make sure you get it and if you're being financially dependent on your parents either get them to pay for it or find the local support groups for Abuse Victims, but one way or another you need to fight for that. If done right it will provide you with healing, acceptance, immense strength and even a list of recommended books.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

OK Alexandra I will look more into counseling. Yes I do still live at home with my dad(used to be abusive when he was an alcoholic years ago).

[suga]

Well if your dad is no longer abusive just try to keep old anger at bay...you should be fine...this abusive guy you had a relationship with may keep trying for you and if he is anything like my stbxh probably will...keep your head up...dont fall into his trap...guard your heart from him...even if you feel lonely...its better to be alone than with someone who abuses you...I hope you make new friends...be successful...thats the stuff that will give you confidence...you are soooo young...start doing what you want to do with your life now and you will be ahead of the rest.

[bunnzy]

For a self help book - you should look into the 'Feeling Good - The new mood therapy' I reccommend you take mild antidepressants - Zoloft or Efexor and get weekly counseling also until the depression, guilt and anxiety pass. It is normal to go through extreme highs and lows when you are going through a break up and something tells me this guy isnt going to give up easily. You need to be strong and remember everything he did to you.

 

You need to keep away from relationships until you feel totally guiltfree about this guy. You need to keep out of dating until you are no longer depressed and just work on YOURSELF. Get out there and find new friends. At work - or neighbours, or even church! You need to also move on from everything your dad did through conselling - forgive yourself and realise there actually is nothing to forgive yourself for! Keep it up.

[vi_pn_babe25]

I'm proud of you for leaving him, I know it can take alot of courage to do. I left my ex bf of 4 yrs because he started to emotionally and physically abuse me, and overall he was very controlling. So one day it just clicked that I had to get out fast before anything really bad could happen. I was definitely scared to leave because I thought like you did, that I could never find another person or that I'd be alone, because we were very close in other ways. But I knew it wasn't worth staying with him any longer and I just wanted to be happy and to be myself again. To this day I feel that it's been one my greatest accomplishments to leave a relationship like that. But I suggest to you that you get some counseling, not just for the relationship with your ex bf, but your also your past relationship with your dad. Especially you start dating again because you might fall into that "trap" again (relationships with similar characteristics) sometimes without realizing it. Just focus on building up your self-esteem, and work on making yourself happy first.

I watched an episode of Oprah last week that was about a girl that didn't leave her abusive husband. She ended up being badly burned (85% of her body) by her husband one day when she was at work. Her story was very sad, but I'm glad she had the courage to talk about it on national tv to let other women know what can happen if you don't leave an abusive relationship. It made me happy that I got out of my relationship before anything like that could happen. So just be thankful everyday that you still have your life and now you can start a whole new happy one from this day forward! Good Luck to you TrappedScaredAlone

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hi everyone. Last night was really hard for me. I cried for one hour straight nonstop, used half a box of tissues and went to bed with a headache and woke up with one too. I can't stand doing nothing all day and being locked up in the house basically!!! I don't know what to do with myself. I dont have a job, any friends, a car....my parents wont let me borrow their cars at all. I was going crazy last night just sitting in my room all alone, thinking about everything, getting depressed and crying. I've been told that being alone is better than being abused....but i dont agree with that as of now. I know myself and I can't sit in my room thinking about s***, I DO NOT wanna get depressed!!! I dont know what to do! My only other choices last night were watch tv(i hate tv), read a book(blah) or sit in my room by myself and think about stuff that makes me depressed and cry. Im trying so hard not to cry! I needed to get out of the house last night but we live in the country and I wanted to go for a bikeride or a walk but my mom wouldn't let me leave the house. My body and mind is used to doing things all the time, especially at night! I am also used to having my own car since August of 2001, but I had to sell my car on April 12th, 2006 because I didnt have a job to pay for the registration and insurance that was due that month! I really regret selling it now but at the time I really didnt have a choice in my mind. I owed my parents money, I had no money and nobody to borrow any money from....so I had to sell it. My mom did drive me to one place yesterday to fill out an application for a job. ANd I went for a ten mile bikeride, and I havent been on a bike in like 8 months!! Those are the only times I got out of the house yesterday. I'm trying REAL hard to look for jobs, Ill take any job right now pretty much because I am going CRAZY being stuck in this house and DOING NOTHING ALL DAY. I get really sad because I am so alone, my abusive ex(Rich, the one I've been talking about all along) wants me back but I never want him back....and I am still in love with another one of my exes, Tony, but I cheated on him and he doesn't want me back:-( Thats what started my crying spell, I was talking to Tony online, then I went to my room and cried for a while, then I asked my mom if I could borrow her car to go to the beach or something and she said I cant borrow her car anymore because Im not on her insurance policy, then I cried some more in my room and got ready to go for a bikeride and was walking out the door and my mom said I can't go anywhere when it's dark out.....I told her I dont wanna sit in my room all night and be depressed. The only person that wants me is this guy who is another one of my exes(Jay) who says he still loves me but I dont wanna be in that kind of relationship right now and I dont think I love him. I want to make friends SOOO badly with someone, I need someone to talk to my age and its hard because I get along better with guys but I dont want a sexual relationship with anyone, just friends. I feel SOOO lost and down right now. I don't know what to do! It feels like its getting worse since I dumped abusive Rich. I don't wanna go on living like this: every night sitting in my room, all alone, thinking how the only guy i love doesnt want me....."im a fool in love with a fool who doesnt care" is a quote from a country song and thats how i feel about Tony. Im trying to get over him but it takes time. What really gets to me is Im the one who screwed the best relationship I've ever had (with Tony) because I cheated on him with the abusive Rich. How'd that happen? Well thats another long story, but in short, I had myself convinced that Tony was cheating on me and we got into a fight one night, I thought we broke up. I ended up calling Rich because I was upset and needed someone to talk to. We ended up talking and then having sex after Rich told me he would never hit me again, promised me everything, etc. So Tony found out that I cheated on him with Rich and we broke up for good. I dated Rich from FEbruary 22nd till May 7th, and Ive been talking to Tony online sometimes. He says he wants to talk about what happened in person sometime but he doesnt trust me at all and he says he could never go back out with me because of what I did to him. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? There is so much going on right now, wonder why I had a one hour straight crying spell last night! I dont wanna have another one. I used names to try to make it easier to understand what Im writing in this post. Im desperate for someone to talk to!!! I HATE feeling alone, my fear came true of feeling this alone and it really SUCKS:'-(

[suga]

Well you are hurting now so of course you are sad and uninterested in everything...give it some time and get out the house sometimes...get a hobby and go to meetings with people who share your interest...or take classes...get a job to meet people...talk to neighbors or anybody...if you are old enough go to a bar (but dont become an alcoholic)...just a very social atmosphere where people are looking to meet others...its gonna be harder to be social when you are down too...you will feal better sooner or later though and people will notice...you cant keep being in an abusive relationship cause its gonna drag you down farther and keep you away from others for too long...sooner or later you will have to get out of it and have been sitting around with the a**h*** for too much of your life wishing you had just been braver now.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Well thats just the thing....I CAN'T get out of the house!!! I turn 21 at the end of June.....plus alcohol makes me sick, I used to drink like a fish all last summer, never puke and this winter I get sick after drinking just one beer....unless I drink it over an hour's period. Im sure something is medically wrong with me....why would that just happen for no apparent reason?? Anyways.....I can NOT get out of the house unless one of my parents drives me. Im trying really hard to find a job, so i can buy a cheap car so i can have a life again!!

[suga]

Im sure there is a bus or something...I have no car...I just got out of an abusive relationship...I cant imagine going back to the stress...just enjoy not having a guy breathing down your neck at all times and get some rest...appreciate the things you can...and I hang out in the nieghborhood with people Ive been meeting...if I want to go somewhere I can catch the bus or ride my bike.