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How do you get over being raped?


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Old 8th March 2006, 1:06 AM   #1
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Unhappy How do you get over being raped?

In Nov of 1995 I was raped at the age of 15 by two men. I went to couseling for several years but for some reason I still have been unale to get over it. There are times I cry and have the worst feeling about myself ever. It's like now I'm unsure of what I really deserve in a relationship.

I go into every relationship with my heart open. For some reason I have been allowing the rape to affect my relationship I have now. My current boyfriend betrayed me and Iam having a hard time getting over it. I don't know if the reason I let him get away with what he done is because I think so little of myself. Ever man I have been with I forgive him for everything he does to me . I not sure if it's because I have such a big heart or if I feel like I am worth nothing more than what they give me.

Please respond and give me some tips on how I can start to work on my recovery. Sometimes I feel so useless and dirty. I often feel like the only two people who truly love me are my children. I want to be able to feel the love I once had for my boyfriend but the fact that I put so much trust in him Im unsure how to forgive.
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Old 8th March 2006, 6:09 AM   #2
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Awwww honey. That's terrible

Have you though of trying therapy/counselling again?
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Old 10th March 2006, 12:08 PM   #3
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although counsling is best, possibly just talking about it will help. You might search on here for someone else who has had an experience like yours or even find a similar thread that will give you some insight.

I once found myself in a situation where I was gonna be raped and I ended up acting cool about it and acted like I wanted to have sex with the guy. I figured if I did that I wouldn't get hurt (beat up). it worked and i dont think about it much now. I really hope talking about it will help you.

Has something happened recently that makes you think about the rape?
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Old 10th March 2006, 12:17 PM   #4
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My first rape happened 14 years ago and I'm still dealing with it. The second one was 7 years ago, it was a setback.

I highly recommend the book "I Can't Get Over It" by Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis. It's a great PTSD tool for people with all the sub-types.

Have you seen a counselor with experience treating PTSD/rape trauma syndrome? Or just a general therapist (they can often do more harm than good). Have you tried anything other than CBT? I've heard good things about EMDR and I'm investigating that.

The important thing is to remember that you are in charge of the rest of your life. It will be a lot of work to get better. You'll never "get over it" -- you learn to live with it and cope better each day. Take each day one day at a time. Be strong for yourself. Find the iron inside of you. That is the only way to survive.
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Old 28th April 2006, 3:48 PM   #5
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hi, i read your message and cryed, i was raped badly 6 years ago by my dads best freind, i never got over it, drank myself to sleep, harmed myself, and took an overdose i met someone who cheated on me all the time, and i was broke.
im now 22 and have been with someone 3 years who really cres for me we have a little girl togeather, and life is getting better but i had a ahrd time, when my daughter was born i got really bad depression and just wanted to sit in a corner my nightmares came back and i found myself wetting myself everynight i ended up in parkwood hospital for 5 weeks to get over it, i still have my bad days now, but trust me there are alot of pepole who will love you your kids for starters and hun you will meet someone who really loves you.
hope everything works out.
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Old 19th May 2006, 4:05 PM   #6
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There are times I cry and have the worst feeling about myself ever. It's like now I'm unsure of what I really deserve in a relationship.

You are normal! It happened to me when I was 8, 12 and 13. I'm now 40 and still think of it. It does effect my self esteem, and my confidence. I also went for councelling, and it helped just to talk about it. The feelings will always be there for life, but you can cope with it. YOu are strong and beautiful inside and out. I would also bet that you are a warm, kind person, whom people like. Being raped gives you a gift. It's the gift to read people very well. Acknowledge that gift. If you are not comfortable with some one, there is a reason. And if your wrong. So be it! Trust your instinct though.

I go into every relationship with my heart open. For some reason I have been allowing the rape to affect my relationship I have now. My current boyfriend betrayed me and Iam having a hard time getting over it. I don't know if the reason I let him get away with what he done is because I think so little of myself. Ever man I have been with I forgive him for everything he does to me . I not sure if it's because I have such a big heart or if I feel like I am worth nothing more than what they give me.

Those are the exact reasons why you let him get away with it. This is easy for me to say, not so easy to do. But if you can, lean on other friends to keep you busy and occupied, and get away from him. You deserve so much more, and their will be some one out there that can care and love just you, and be thrilled to have you as his sidekick.

Please respond and give me some tips on how I can start to work on my recovery. Sometimes I feel so useless and dirty. I often feel like the only two people who truly love me are my children. I want to be able to feel the love I once had for my boyfriend but the fact that I put so much trust in him Im unsure how to forgive.[/QUOTE]

I'm sure there are more than just your children who love you. Your parents, relatives and friends. Again, you will always have these feelings, but overide them. Look at yourself in the mirror and talk to yourself (I'm not crazy). Tell yourself, your okay, nothing wrong with you. This is a hurdle and you can get it over. Takes some work, BUT YOU CAN DO IT!

Big Hug to you! You were hurt in life, and it's left a scare.... But that's okay... A scare doesn't change who you are inside. Your awesome
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Old 23rd May 2006, 8:26 PM   #7
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I Know How You Feel!

HI I WAS RAPED JULY OF 1989 AT THE AGE OF 17, AND MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE! THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE WAS NOT GETTING ANY COUNSELING OR TURNING HIM IN. I GUESS THE REASON I DID NOT TURN HIM IN WAS I WAS DRINKING. SO I BLAMED MYSELF WHEN IT HAPPENED. I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM OR CONFIDENCE. IT IS NICE BEING ABLE TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING. I AM DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME. I HAVE NO TRUST IN MEN AT ALL. I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS. JUST READING WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WENT THROUGH MY HEART WENT OUT TO YA'LL. I CANT SLEEP AT ALL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by missds07
In Nov of 1995 I was raped at the age of 15 by two men. I went to couseling for several years but for some reason I still have been unale to get over it. There are times I cry and have the worst feeling about myself ever. It's like now I'm unsure of what I really deserve in a relationship.

I go into every relationship with my heart open. For some reason I have been allowing the rape to affect my relationship I have now. My current boyfriend betrayed me and Iam having a hard time getting over it. I don't know if the reason I let him get away with what he done is because I think so little of myself. Ever man I have been with I forgive him for everything he does to me . I not sure if it's because I have such a big heart or if I feel like I am worth nothing more than what they give me.

Please respond and give me some tips on how I can start to work on my recovery. Sometimes I feel so useless and dirty. I often feel like the only two people who truly love me are my children. I want to be able to feel the love I once had for my boyfriend but the fact that I put so much trust in him Im unsure how to forgive.
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Old 24th May 2006, 8:37 AM   #8
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Dear Catlover

You will sleep again. You'll always remember this, and relive it, but it won't always be as prominant. THe feelings some how get tucked away and you learn to cope.

Please go talk to a councellor. I can give you a name of a place in Ottawa if you want, via email.

Talking it through is the best way to handle it. Never clam up!

Drinking or not! It wasn't your fault.
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Old 7th June 2006, 3:48 PM   #9
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I too was raped about 13 years ago. I now find myself not being able to have a sexual relationship. My fiance is frustrated with me because I don't ever feel like having sex. I am sure my lack of interest is because of my past experience but I don't know how to tell him since he is not aware of what happened to me. I have been able to not think about that awful night but I think it still haunts my subconscious. I need some advice on how to move on and be able to have an intimate relationship with my soon to be husband.
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Old 7th June 2006, 6:14 PM   #10
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Trust your Fiancee. he loves you and will not hurt you.

He loves you and thinks you are beautiful, in every way.
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Old 10th June 2006, 4:14 PM   #11
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The first step for me

That first step in my own life was to consider with great fairness and objectiveness, who I really am in the world and even the universe. I was fair with myself. For example, I realized that I was a good musician but not a very good carpenter. I didn't place goals and expectations on myself that common sense would have shown were impossible for me. At the same time, I didn't allow for under-achievement.

If you are serious about changing your life and breaking the abuser's power over you, you must take a stand and follow through. Stop being the victim of shame, guilt and resentment. Those things will shatter your image. And they're not even real!

Once I had the correct image of myself, I pressed toward that mark. That image I held, did not reflect that of a victim. That was the old person. If my abusers want to continue their hold, they will be holding onto a dead person. The one they abused, no longer exists.

In the end, I found that most of the answers were right in my own heart. In the end I found that the hardest person to face, was myself and what I had become through my hate and resentment of those who had abused me. One day I was able to set them free. They owe me nothing. Their reward will be determined by a far greater power than me.

In the meantime, I run my website, play my music, and help as many people as I can. Nowadays, instead of complaining to God about all the things I wanted that I never got, I thank Him for all the things I never got that I never wanted.
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Old 8th July 2006, 1:24 AM   #12
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keep control

Theres no way to get over it. You can only get better. It sucks but it is something you will always carry with you. The best thing you can do is use it to make yourself better. For one thing: tell yourself it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. take self defense classes and learn how to be street smart. Knowing you are prepared will give you so much more confidence.
If you have kids, or when you do, do everything you can to protect them and educate them on how serious rape is. tell yourself it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, NOR TO SOMEONE I LOVE.
All things happen for a reason, and although you may think that " God hates you, how could he let something this horrible happen?" he chose you for a reason. Somewhere in life, this situation will help you help someone else. You just need to learn how.
I was raped when i was eight and then again when i was 14. I thought the world had come to an end the second time it happend. It made me hate myself and i blamed myself. Now, no matter what, it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You need to keep control of what you can and dont EVER blame yourself. It was beyond your control. It was not something you were prepared for. But now that its happened, you can prepare yourself for if someone ATTEMPTS it again. They will fail.
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Old 10th July 2006, 6:19 PM   #13
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out of denial

I was raped when I was 13 by a friend who was only a few years older than me. We were actually working together, and even though i had never even kissed a guy, been with a guy, he kissed me,one thing led to another and even though i repeatedly said no no no, he tried to convince me that it would feel soooo good and i would love it. i knew that i didnt want to but i felt powerless to do anything. He was bigger than me, and i was shy and little (13). I ended up just laying there while he did what he wanted, the condom broke, and he told me it was okay because he didnt get off anyways. Then he told me not to tell anyone, especially our guy friends, cause they would tease him about it! I felt so dirty, and so worthless, depressed, low self esteem. I still dont know what to ask for in a relationship. i have sex and sometimes i like it, sometimes i just cant stand it. Sometimes all i want is some affection from my new BF and he just doesnt get it. I feel a strong need for love and attention, but not so much sex.
The real reason I even started to really look at what happened to me is because I can get turned on, but I cant have an orgasm. (That, or i just dont know what one is?) ive had a few really good ones, but mostly small climaxes and it really frustrates my BF that he cant get me off. I'm confused, i feel like it is because of the rape, but I dont know how to go about healing my emotional wounds, and breaking down those barriers. I know there are all of you out there that have probably been through a very similar experience, so it just feel good to put this out there and maybe get some feedback.
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Old 10th July 2006, 8:30 PM   #14
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You don't get over it. You get through it. It's slow and it's difficult, but you have to take one day at a time.

I do think that counseling is a good idea. I remember the first time I saw the counselor that I knew would be the right one for me. He looked at me and said, I know it's hard right now. But one day it won't be as hard as it is today. Believe that and you'll get there sooner rather than later.

I wrote that down and memorized it and never forgot. That might not be the approach you need, but find someone you feel comfortable with.

Reading is also a great idea. There are a lot of books to help you deal with some of the issues that come up on a regular basis because of rape and abuse.

Never be afraid to share what's going on inside your head. It might be scary and ugly, but it's how you feel. Embrace it, recognize it, own it, and move through it.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.
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