I am a man that is a victim of DV........I think

[confusedman2002]

Here is my story, hope someone can make sense of it as i cant! I am prompted to type this after reading a similar post about male domestic violence.

 

I am a 34 year old white male, living what seems to be a great life. I have a house, two cars, 6 kids and a great job. Have been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 15 years. I think i'm also a victim of domestic violence.

 

I have been having several "issues" over the past few years. Mostly revolving around depression and feelings associated with that but also sexual problems. I created a new login for this as my wife checks if i have been posting to my other login name, hope i don't upset the mods. I have a few different posts here that are crazy and love, 2002 hint hint. I cant cover everything as it would be a lengthy post so i will cover some of the main details.

 

I have recently started seeing a therapist for my "issues". I went there seeking help for my "issues". I have been so stressed to what i thought was my breaking point that i knew i needed help. I have been so depressed and stressed out that i could barely function.I thought i had adhd, or relationship issues and that i was the problem. I have come to realize that i'm in an abusive relationship and i have PTSD.

 

My wife gets physical when we have a disagreement, although its partially my fault as it topics or opinions that she doesn't agree with. I can be a dick and deserve to be hit sometimes. Sounds crazy but that's the way i still feel. She has slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, and punched me numerous times. She even sent me to the hospital for a cracked orbital bone and bleeding eye. The normal confrontations only end up with limited bruising and visual evidence.

 

I was sexually abused as a child, this happened over a few years with two different people. I never healed from this as i have come to realize. apparently this can cause ptsd that can impact a persons life and decisions. I formed a bond with my wife as she matched up with what i saw as normal, abuse and sex linked together. This is what my therapist explained to me, yet in more detail and clarity.

 

I now am trying to understand an gain control over my life.

 

For all the people talking about abuse not being possible for a women against a man.....i guess i'm just a pussy. I am 6' 200#, she is 5'1" 140#, i could knock her out easily but i refuse to get to her level.

 

I have learned about disassociation, it quite interesting, i am now just starting to understand it. Basically i can go into a sort of trance when i'm feeling vulnerable. This is how i cope with my wife hitting me. It starts and i freak out and cry along with protect my body by covering my face and blocking her blows. Then i quickly get into a mindset that doesn't care or feel anything. i usually just relax and look at her as she hits me. I don't feel it or care, its like i'm not there, it so strange.

 

I wish i could die, i wish i could get hit by a truck while driving....... Its so sad as i have kids and i don't have any easy exit options. I take responsibility for this and I have to deal with it somehow.

 

Not sure where i go from here, still trying to figure things out. To all the men that are in a similar situation, i feel for you and i hope you have the strength to endure. Funny thing is i didn't even realize that anything was wrong until i started therapy for what i thought was my problem.

[unit1]

Firstly hang on there, friend,

 

u r a man sexually abused, that is rare...?

there r many victims here, I m one, too....

I m thinking to make a new thread about healing from sexual abuse, not totally clear about what to say yet, cos too much bottling inside.

 

second, u and your wife better separate for a while, u need space to heal,

and she is violent, it is terrible.

 

its hard for a sexual abuse survivor to handle a relationship/marriage actually, the partner usually gets very angry to us, cos they don't understand us, don't know what to do....

they feel we ignore them, we can't feed their needs, we r not responsible, etc....

but it is not true.

 

we r wounded,

we needs to be healed, firstly.

take step by step.....

 

and I would like to hear other members to say,

they have survived and succeeded.

[grays]

Does your wife understand that she is an abuser? Have the two of you talked about it? Would she see a therapist, too? Does she hit your children or otherwise abuse them directly?

[d0nnivain]

Yes, you are a victim of Domestic Violence. Nobody deserves to be hit.

 

I'm glad you are in therapy. Do discuss your depression with your therapist.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

u r a man sexually abused, that is rare...?

there r many victims here, I m one, too....

I m thinking to make a new thread about healing from sexual abuse, not totally clear about what to say yet, cos too much bottling inside.

 

 

He said he was sexually abused as a child, not as a man. I'm sorry this happened to you, too .

 

OP, I suggest you and your wife get counseling together. You do not deserve to be hit. I think your first step is somehow realizing that!

 

Have your children witnessed this violence?

[confusedman2002]

 

second, u and your wife better separate for a while, u need space to heal,

and she is violent, it is terrible.

 

its hard for a sexual abuse survivor to handle a relationship/marriage actually, the partner usually gets very angry to us, cos they don't understand us, don't know what to do....

they feel we ignore them, we can't feed their needs, we r not responsible, etc....

 

 

I want to separate but i'm not sure its best for my family although i know it would be best for me. I have been needing space and time to process these new feelings i'm dealing with yet she has a hard tie respecting that. When i explained i needed space it kicked in her abandonment issues and she freaked out. She told me she couldn't handle waiting for me to sort things out and has talked about divorce.

[confusedman2002]

Just figured out how to use the multi quote!

 

Thanks for the replies

 

 

Does your wife understand that she is an abuser? Have the two of you talked about it? Would she see a therapist, too? Does she hit your children or otherwise abuse them directly?

 

I have discussed and given her ultimatums numerous times but i never follow through. My wife has issues of her own, i have ideas but nothing has been professionally diagnosed. she has definite signs of being borderline. She has agreed to start therapy after i told her it was a requirement for us to stay together. I have suggested it in the past but now i realize we are both broken and we need to fix this. There have been a few incidents with the kids but nothing to bad, nothing close to our fights. She is mainly just loud and scary to them at times.

 

 

 

 

OP, I suggest you and your wife get counseling together. You do not deserve to be hit. I think your first step is somehow realizing that!

 

Have your children witnessed this violence?

 

I know i don't deserve this but i have not been able to stop it. A while ago i believe i realized that she had damaged our relationship past the point of fixing it. I don't know if i can ever get past it.

 

The thing is, when she gets going it like flipping a switch. She looses control and cannot think rationally. So yes, the kids have seen it a few times but frequently hear the fights. She cannot speak quietly when shes mad and she doesn't care if the kids hear it.

[Downtown]

She has definite signs of being borderline.

Confused, have we discussed her BPD behaviors in an earlier thread when you were using a different name? If not, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 3/16 post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care,

[confusedman2002]

Confused, have we discussed her BPD behaviors in an earlier thread when you were using a different name?

 

We have not discussed it in the past but i am familiar with many of your posts on BPD. I researched it quite a bit over the past few years. She definitely has some serious BPD behavior but there are a few that do not completely add up. I suggested the possibility of this to her probably a year ago. She took one of those online test and it said she likely was, she freaked out a bit. After she started thinking about it she took the test again and changed her answers coming back with a not likely result. Then she explained that her behavior has a lot to do with me. I believe this is another BDP trait.....

 

The bottom line is that she might have it but its not going to be fixed. She started anti depressants several years ago and that has helped considerably. She still blows up but is able to calm down a lot faster.

 

I have spent years wondering if i was the crazy person, this sounds like a common issue with spouses of a BPD. Not sure if there is an advantage of getting her into a psychologist to get diagnosed? If she does get diagnosed and we end up divorcing i wonder if it would have an impact on how that would go.

 

I do love this woman with all my heart but i really want to know what normal feels like.

[unit1]

We have not discussed it in the past but i am familiar with many of your posts on BPD. I researched it quite a bit over the past few years. She definitely has some serious BPD behavior but there are a few that do not completely add up. I suggested the possibility of this to her probably a year ago. She took one of those online test and it said she likely was, she freaked out a bit. After she started thinking about it she took the test again and changed her answers coming back with a not likely result. Then she explained that her behavior has a lot to do with me. I believe this is another BDP trait.....

 

The bottom line is that she might have it but its not going to be fixed. She started anti depressants several years ago and that has helped considerably. She still blows up but is able to calm down a lot faster.

 

I have spent years wondering if i was the crazy person, this sounds like a common issue with spouses of a BPD. Not sure if there is an advantage of getting her into a psychologist to get diagnosed? If she does get diagnosed and we end up divorcing i wonder if it would have an impact on how that would go.

 

I do love this woman with all my heart but i really want to know what normal feels like.

Did u know her mental trouble when u dated her?

or she developed this later?

[Downtown]

She started anti depressants several years ago and that has helped considerably. She still blows up but is able to calm down a lot faster.

Confused, if she exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, that is to be expected. She would have an 80% chance of also suffering from a co-occurring mood disorder (e.g., depression or bipolar). This is why BPDers usually can benefit from medication even though the meds cannot make a dent in the BPD issue itself.

 

I have spent years wondering if i was the crazy person, this sounds like a common issue with spouses of a BPD.

Yes, it is very common with the abused spouses/partners.

 

Not sure if there is an advantage of getting her into a psychologist to get diagnosed?

Probably not, Confused. A team of psychologists won't make a bit of difference unless a BPDer has the self awareness to recognize the problem and sufficient ego strength to do something about it (i.e., working hard for years in therapy to learn the emotional skills she had no opportunity to acquire in childhood).

 

There nonetheless is a very small chance she will have the necessary self awareness and ego strength. It therefore is worth a shot for her to be encouraged to try. This is not to say, however, that you should spend several more years waiting around to find out if she has what it takes to succeed. But that is a decision you must make for yourself. Of course, your primary objective is to do what is in the best interests of your six children.

 

If she does get diagnosed and we end up divorcing i wonder if it would have an impact on how that would go.

Yes, obtaining an accurate diagnosis could benefit you and your kids in the custody fight. It is very unlikely, however, that a high functioning BPDer would "get diagnosed." As I've discussed in other threads, even if she has full-blown BPD, there is little chance she will seek therapy -- or, if she does, remain with any therapist long enough for that therapist to realize her BPD symptoms are full-blown. It may take a therapist 2 or 3 years to see the symptoms you see all week long.

 

Even when that happens, therapists usually are loath to tell the patient the name of her disorder because it often is not in her best interests to be told. The result is that the official "diagnosis" placed in her records likely will contain only the names of co-occurring clinical disorders (not the personality disorders). I discuss this in greater detail in my post at Loath to Diagnose.

 

Hence, unless her behavior is so strange that a court orders a psychological evaluation, it is highly unlikely you will have anything to use in a custody fight. This is why it is important to always carry a VAR so you can record her outbursts, particularly when it is in front of the children. A hidden video recorder in the home also may be valuable to record the physical attacks if the recorder can be installed (e.g., toy-shaped nanny cam) without your W realizing what it is.

 

I do love this woman with all my heart but i really want to know what normal feels like.

More to the point, you really need to know what a husband/wife relationship feels like. If your W is a BPDer, what you essentially have is a parent/child relationship. Given your description of her temper tantrums, you already "know what normal feels like" -- i.e., what normal feels like to a parent taking care of a child with the emotional development of a four year old and the body strength of a full-grown woman.

 

She has slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, and punched me numerous times. She even sent me to the hospital for a cracked orbital bone and bleeding eye.

As you likely know from some of my other posts, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

She definitely has some serious BPD behavior but there are a few that do not completely add up.

I derived the 18 BPD Warning Signs you read by generally providing two common examples for each of the nine defining symptoms for BPD. The only exception in that list is my addition of "feeling of entitlement," which is more strongly associated with NPD than BPD.

 

Significantly, those 18 warning signs -- like the 9 BPD symptoms on which they are based -- are not equal in importance. Several of them (e.g., strong abandonment fear) are essential in my view. It therefore may be very helpful if you would tell us which of the warning signs (e.g., 5, 12, and 18) "do not completely add up."

[confusedman2002]

The only exception in that list is my addition of "feeling of entitlement," which is more strongly associated with NPD than BPD.

 

Significantly, those 18 warning signs -- like the 9 BPD symptoms on which they are based -- are not equal in importance. Several of them (e.g., strong abandonment fear) are essential in my view. It therefore may be very helpful if you would tell us which of the warning signs (e.g., 5, 12, and 18) "do not completely add up."

 

 

Looking at the list its hard to evaluate the details. lets look at each detail........

 

#1 she either hates of loves someone.This can change though on the mood and events in life.

 

#2 fits it perfectly!

 

#3 definitely true. not only to family but also toward anything i enjoy. If it doesn't' involve her she tries to hold me back from it.

 

#4 She has never been happy with my accomplishments, always wanting more. I recently had a significant pay cut and instead of be there for me i got screamed at about how i was supposed to be there and support her. I needed her at that moment and she wasn't there for me......

 

Warning sign 5 is a bit different from what i have experienced. she does flip on a dime but its typically because of something i have said that makes her mad. Its not just a moment when she decides she needs to lash out.

 

Sign #6 is also different. She creates drama based upon what is going on in her life. she does't at a lest frequent basis start drama between us with little reason

 

#7 Yep!!!!

 

#8 very ture! I cannot for the life of me calm her down during these times. It has changed from hours to maybe an hour or so after the antidepressants.

 

#9 OMG, exactly as stated. very true

 

#10 she is always the victim, very true.

 

#11 She has an eating disorder, has since her teens. Used to be bulimic early in life, now she binges when stressed. she is also uncontrollable with money, we are absolutely f'ed with finances currently.

 

#12 very true, more seems to come out the more we discus. I have been talking about my abuse and now she feels like she has to one up me instead for just listening and helping.

 

#13 still the case, even after 24 years. Same music, interest in sex and life goals.

 

#14 So true, always changing and no follow through.

 

#15 if she is pissed she doesn't' want anything to do with me. I end up forcing a hug on her to help her feel better.

 

#16 she has few long term, all are a long distance like 8 hours +. Constantly upset as no one likes her or will stay her friend. This is in the local area, says she doesn't fit in.

 

#17 Not so much, she really doesn't care that you think of her. She is who she is take it or leave it.

 

#18 True although this ia bit more cumbersome to describe.

[Noproblem]

I am gonna start with a personal story that has nothing to do with you.

 

It's about my gold fish.

 

I was in a position months ago where I am low on money, and my gold fish needed a bigger aquarium.

 

So, my sister gave me 100 dollars and told me to keep it once the aquarium go on sale, we can purchase a bigger aquarium for them.

 

But, I was in debt, and after 2-3 months, I decided to use the 100 dollar to pay my debt.

 

It was low move, but it was good for me and my fish.

 

You know why?

 

Because if I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of my goldfish?

 

If my credit gets destroyed, how can I help my fish later on?

 

I made the hard choice to use the money, and later on.

 

I had enough money to buy them a bigger aquarium.

 

Now my fish live in a bigger aquarium and I am not in a debt that can cripple me.

 

You understand what I am saying?

 

Your kids are similar to my fish, you can't give them a happy and peaceful life if you are

 

not happy

 

not safe

 

not loved

 

not appreciated

 

not respected

 

not worthy.

 

 

You are not a pussy, but you are abused and you were abused all your life.

 

It's time for you to choose yourself over this wife!

 

If it was a woman, we would tell her to get the hell out of this abusive relationship.

 

So, please

 

 

Get the hell out.

 

Get the hell out of this abusive relationship.

 

 

Divorce her!

 

and you can take care of your family when you are on your own.

 

 

Safe, sane and happy!

[Downtown]

Sign #6 is also different. She creates drama based upon what is going on in her life. she does't at a lest frequent basis start drama between us with little reason.

A BPDer typically is highly reactive to whatever is happening at that very moment. Because she is thin skinned and very over sensitive, she will be easily offended by jokes and harmless comments that are not intended to offend. Hence, although there is a "reason" for her outbursts, one of her two fears is being triggered by an action or comment that is not the true source of her pain. She is experiencing pain and anger that she has been carrying inside since childhood.

 

Warning sign 5 is a bit different from what i have experienced. she does flip on a dime but its typically because of something i have said that makes her mad. Its not just a moment when she decides she needs to lash out.

As noted above, a BPDer typically does not suddenly lash out when she decides it is time to hurt you. On the contrary, BPDers generally do not deliberately try to hurt their spouses. Rather, they are reacting to what they mistakenly perceive as your attempt to hurt them. Because they frequently experience strong emotions, the intense feelings distort their perception of your intentions and motivations. In contrast, narcissists and sociopaths will deliberately try to hurt other people.

[healing light]

Get out now.

 

This woman broke bones in your face.

 

If a woman came on this board with the same scenario, there’s not a soul who would tell her to try martial counseling to repair the relationship. She would be advised to leave.

 

It shouldn’t be any different just because you’re a man.

 

Trust me, your kids are being exposed to this toxic mess and they will require therapy to undo the damage of it when they start attracting bad partners from the subconscious conditioning occurring in this household.

 

Leave.

[preraph]

Of course, your childhood abuse is what has made you accept this abuse. You keep going to the therapist and tell her all about this abuse. You should not stay with someone who cracked you in the eye. You may be a jerk sometimes, but unless you're hitting her first, she's in the wrong, criminally so. You don't deserve this abuse any more than you deserved your childhood abuse.

 

Keep seeing the therapist, and then once you are thinking clearly, I urge you to get out of the house from your wife unless she herself goes into therapy and starts with anger management.

 

You have ongoing abuse. It's wrong. It's HORRIBLE for the kids to witness, and don't think they don't notice.

[confusedman2002]

If a woman came on this board with the same scenario, there’s not a soul who would tell her to try martial counseling to repair the relationship. She would be advised to leave.

 

It shouldn’t be any different just because you’re a man.

 

 

 

Very true, yet it is still hard for me to see it this way. I feel like I should be able to fix this yet I know I cant.

 

 

 

 

Trust me, your kids are being exposed to this toxic mess and they will require therapy to undo the damage of it when they start attracting bad partners from the subconscious conditioning occurring in this household.

 

 

 

This scares me so much. I know how things are currently but I have no idea what they will be like if we split. I'm actually scared it might be worse for them after.

 

 

 

 

Of course, your childhood abuse is what has made you accept this abuse. You keep going to the therapist and tell her all about this abuse.

 

 

 

Last night he told me that I have chronic complex ptsd. Seems I fit that diagnosis to a T. I also suggested the idea that she may be borderline. He knows I research everything and he smiled and said he wondered when I would come up with that idea. He was thinking possibly BPD or NPD, although he was quick to suggest she needs to be seen by a psychologist no mater what we assume.

 

 

 

 

 

Keep seeing the therapist, and then once you are thinking clearly, I urge you to get out of the house from your wife unless she herself goes into therapy and starts with anger management.

 

 

 

 

I am thinking so much more clearly than even a few days ago. My therapist has really been great. At first I thought he wasn't helping me, I wanted him to tell me what to do and he wasn't. I realize now that I had to figure it out on my own. He asked me some questions last night that were clearly worded so he could figure out where I was in processing everything. When a response to one of his questions was that separation will be necessary he just started at me with a look of success. He has not once suggested I do anything but just makes me think and therefore prompting me to come to my own conclusions. . I guess that's what he's

supposed to do.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading and commenting. This is definitely a form of therapy on its own.

[healing light]

The kids will be worse off if you stay. Being in that toxic household will imprint them to attract other toxic people and situations. It would be better for them to witness their father standing up for himself and getting out of an abusive situation than to witness fighting/physical abuse and being subjected to verbal derision like it's normal. Taking them out of that environment will be more stable than subjecting them to her toxic ways.

 

I've dealt with borderline people off their meds--absolute hell, was always walking on eggshells not knowing what crazy **** would set them off. Staying would result in far more grievances for the kids and you, imo.

[kindnessmatters]

It took a lot of guts to share this. Domestic Violence is wrong regardless of who is doing it. One of the mistakes I think society has made is thinking only men abuse women etc. According to statistics women initiate DV around 40-50% of the time, so in other words men and women both are wrong in how they treat the opposite sex sometimes. I know the argument is that men are stronger. Well, here's the thing. One, men in general are stronger as a collective whole but an individual woman can be stronger than an individual man, so if that is the case does that give her a right to beat up her man because she is stronger? Yet, the courts, police, etc probably still aren't going to do much for him. That's wrong. Two, regardless of who is stronger, if a man or a woman stand there and take it they can be hurt too. There are two things no person, man or woman deserves. One is to be cheated on and two, to be abused. Good luck to you sir!