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Are any of these things warning signs of an abuser?


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 31st October 2017, 12:35 PM   #1
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Are any of these things warning signs of an abuser?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissistic type personality for 6 years. It has been 8 months since it ended but I deal with trust issues since, where I do not trust peoples intentions, or expect them to offend or hurt me in some way.

Anyway I am dating this guy and and looking for some advice on whether he is worth seeing further before I go down a bad path again potentially.

I am going to mention a few things. At around 8pm he said to come over whenever you want. I ended up getting delayed a bit and got there around 10pm. I saw there were candles lit from outside. To me it just feels like he is trying to seduce me, when I don't care to be, all I care about is for someone to show me they are a good person with no hidden agenda. When I went over, he immediately leaned in and kissed me. Then when we hugged, he looks at me and goes are you okay? I was like I am fine, why? He goes you had a 2 hour shower? I was thinking I don't have to explain myself to you. Which I didn't. He then acts like it was a joke and goes let me joke. I was like okay... He immediately was very physically forward as if he was my boyfriend, hugging me kissing me non stop. He then goes your shaking, I said I am not. He then correct himself and goes you flinched. I thought so what?. it feels like he is acting like a couple when we are not.

Then acts impatient and weird at times. We were looking at trailers for a movie...I mentioned a movie which I couldn't remember the name but remember a scene with a song, he ended up acting like he knew which one. In the middle of the trailer I said this is not it, he goes what it? I said I thought you knew the movie I was talking about, he said what movie? As if he never heard me. I said to him don't worry. He then gets quiet, it felt like I did something wrong or something. impatient and is like well what movie do you want to watch then? I was like well I don't know yet. He seemed to be annoyed and was like we will just watch a series. I was making coffee with this Italian maker...I didn't screw the top on tightly. It started spilling, he took it off the heat. He quickly took the machine and was like you didn't do it tight enough...and he fixed it...I felt almost like a failure, like a parent who steps in when a child does something not right. He is always fixing things and likes everything a certain way. Every time I do something, I feel pressure. I feel worried I am going to piss him off or something. Because his first language is not english, he goes tell me you said that wrong if I pronounce something off or not right etc...I said you speak english normally you just have an accent, does it not just matter that people can understand you and vice versa, he goes no I need to perfect it, and not have any accent. I was thinking well that is unrealistic, but just agreed to him, when I don't feel like that is my role ,or something I should be doing. I am looking into these things because I don't want to go down the same path I did with my ex, and want to spot any early warning signs.

Am I bringing paranoia from my old relationship into this or are these things that happened a worry?

Last edited by Lovehel; 31st October 2017 at 12:40 PM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:00 PM   #2
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You should probably stick to one thread and one train of thought.

Is this guy I am dating mentally messed up?

But no, it sounds like there's a language barrier working against the two of you. He actually sounds as if he's concerned about you.

And, if you're 'dating', why are you put off that he wonders where you were for two hours? Why is it bad to hug and kiss upon greeting? That doesn't sound like 'dating' to me.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 9:37 AM   #3
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I know what it's like to go through the pain that's involved in a break up. I used to think that its okay to start trusting before someone proves themselves trustworthy. I'm a little more objective now. Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time for broken hearts to heal. I realized that when I didn't take the time to properly heal before getting involved in another relationship, it wasn't fair to them or me. Hurt people hurt other people. You're simply trying to heal therefore doubt, fears, and anger is a normal part of experiencing the stages of grief and loss. I'm praying for you!
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Old 2nd November 2017, 9:56 AM   #4
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I mean, if you are picking apart and analyzing every word and action, then you are probably not ready to date yet. You have to get to a point where you will trust yourself to recognize real abuse and immediately end the relationship. You are doing yourself no favours by looking for abuse in every interaction. We will generally see whatever it is we are looking for and obsessing over.

If this guy were judging and analyzing your every word and action in the same way he could probably twist everything you do into something negative too. For one thing 10:00 pm is kind of late to show up at someone's house. It sounds like you told him you would be over after you took a shower but then didn't show up for several hours. He could think to himself "what's with this woman not showing up until 10 pm and then acting all weird and defensive when I simply commented that it sure took her a long time to arrive since she led me to believe that she was coming right over after her shower?" He could pick you apart and find all the negative characteristics he's looking for if that were his mindset from the get go.

I don't see any red flags here other than the fact that you are likely dating before you are ready. Don't rush yourself, give yourself time to heal and recover. Give yourself the gift of time alone.
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Old 4th November 2017, 9:57 PM   #5
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It sounds like he was setting up a romantic evening when you did not want that. He is moving faster than you on that front. You are keen to get to know him as a person first. There is nothing wrong with that but it might be best to tell him.

He should not tell you that your English has to be perfect without an accept. That is probably unrealistic for most people but it is just not his business how you speak. He maybe a perfectionist towards himself, hence his comment. It does not make him an abuser though.

Generally, you are on the look-out for signs of an abuser. I can understand that. You do not have to spend time with anyone if you have doubts about them. If you are feeling uneasy, just don't date this guy.
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