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Am I never allowed to be happy?


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 13th October 2017, 1:31 PM   #1
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from here on out?

I hate how I get accused of being borderline when I've never pulled any of the mean stunts that borderline girls tend to do, I enjoy being alone, I have never used guys for money, yet I get labelled as borderline or bipolar when I've been trolled online, physically and sexually and emotionally abused. Whenever I got xhcheated on or used for money or pressured to have sex I ran away from that person and stayed away, didn't confront them about cheating even though it was pretty obvious to everyone else that they cheated or lied or disrespected me. I was nice and decent, didn't ever have a guy reciprocate feelings or dates, so why was I expected to stay if these three exes over the age of 18 would sexually cheat on me over ten times, lie to me about there whereabouts with their ex, admit to making me jealous, call me a loser, stupid or retarded for no reason and then ****ing hit me or curse me out because I said no. One guy got mad I wanted to leave him because he uploaded a humiliating video of his ex thst he cheated on, onto the internet and he ****ing laughed and didn't seem to understand why I detested him for it. I'm sick and tired of being emotionally abused or cheated on or dating guys that have the attitude of I'm only with you for sex and money anf I think it's funny when you are jealous. When I left my second long term ex Jordan all he did was make fun of me for being abused and it was ok for him to call me crazy and make fun of me for being homeless and stalk me amd he would say I didn't deserve better in life and that I only deserved to be stuck in a rut and that I should go kill myself. So what do I do if whenever I date a guy he puts me down, even if I look good and he treats me ****ty?
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:46 PM   #2
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Thumbs down Am I never allowed to be happy?

My first long term ex cheated on me sexually over ten times with his ex and got violent. The second long term ex who has nothing but a track record for cheating admitted to trying to make me jealous of his ex by responding to her I love you emails and he would antagonize me and call me cruel names for no reason when everyone else said I was too pretty for him. My third long term ex would make obvious lies about his whereabouts and he'd defend his ex girlfriend when she cursed me out and his brother and friends said him and her were in the wrong. My first long term ex tried to force me to get pregnant at 16 when he was 18 so I'd have to marry him, and he didn't want me to go to school, the second long term ex told me I was retarded and stupid when actual college professors told me I was capable and he'd make fun of me for having ****ty parents and not having a car and then he'd tell me to go to "retard miller motte" when it's cheaper to go to a state school and then he tried to get me jealous in front of my mom (she picked up on it) and he applied to NC State as the major I wanted to major in and bragged about it to make me feel bad in front of her. Then my third long term ex kept comparing me negatively to his little brother who was too young for me even though everyone said he's the hotter one, told me I should have dated his friend Cam and made some comment that I should have dropped out of my all girls college, went to miller motte, worked at the pizzeria with him with no car and if I had an accident and got pregnant I could go move in with him and his mom. So the first and second long term exes told me to go kill myself, the third long term ex told me how do you not kill yourself (out of the blue after a decent day when we got food at a fancy restaurant with my dad) and my first long term ex made death threats and tried to stalk/kill me over the years and other people troll me and drive around my neighborhood and his family did nothing except try to assert he has issues, my second long term ex would put me down and humiliate me and try to drive me crazy and go out of his way to insult and pester me on purpose and his sister hates him and my third long term ex would call me names and his brother and friends said he was in the wrong and all three of their momma's told me they have no respect for me and I deserve better. So after being trolled, do I deserve better? Or should I just say **** dating because I've been told by the second long term ex that I didn't deserve to be a loser or stuck in a rut the rest of my life?
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:57 PM   #3
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The first step toward happiness will be for you to put these jerks out of your mind.


They were sick, twisted, mean little boys. Stop letting them continue to live rent free in your head.


You were smart enough not to let yourself get trapped. You were smart enough to go to college. You recognize to some extent the head games these guys were playing.


Take a deep breath. Be happy they are out of your life. Be grateful they showed you what bad, unhealthy relationships look & feel like. This should help you recognize a good relationship when you find one. In the future when you see some of these bad things -- especially the name calling & the degrading statements -- in a new relationship get out early.
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Old 13th October 2017, 4:18 PM   #4
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These guys were all abusive.

I agree with Donnivain except for just one point in that these relationship will not help you recognise a good relationship when it happens because all of these relationships started out that way but there were likely little signs and signals which you probably brushed off at the time.

I would suggest some therapy for what you've been through but also do some research about these type of men.
One book in particular would be good - I will link it below.

Until you are aware of signs, know to recognise them and act upon them (getting out when several signs show up) then you may fall into this kind of relationship again.

I have had one abusive relationship and was baffled by it so I did my own research and it has helped me hugely in recognising things,

You deserve better than men like this, but at least learn for yourself what to look for.

Here's the book - it gives all different types of abusers and what is good is it has a checklist on each type for behaviours to look for.
One behaviour does not make an abuser, it's always several and you will find each one of your exes in this book.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dang...+dangerous+man
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Old 13th October 2017, 5:39 PM   #5
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Thanks for the read, I might check out the pdf online, I have read the sociopath next door, bits and pieces of why women love bitches and why does he do that. I've lived in the domestic violence shelter, almost got stuck in one in NY, went to rape counseling on and off for years, went to counseling and therapy before and after I dated some of those *******s and I've been cheated on and abused. In 2011/2012 I thought I had breast cancer because I saw all the signs on the cancer resources online, doesn't make me a hypochondriac because I have medical records of my low hemoglobin and ldl cholesterol records and I have had thyroid nodes found in my neck. I also got a doctor to switch my birthcontrol pills over 3x because I'd experience internal bruising and bleeding due to sex and I met with a social worker over 20x. I have never had any luck with men and I am just sick and tired of being bossed around, put in the poor house, abused, karma'd, cheated on, used and naysayed to when I've been through alot and the meanest nastiest bitches get treated way better than I ever have. All the white, black, asian, latina and mixed girls would always laugh at the fact that I was pretty and skinny and not a cheat or gold digger, but I got treated ****tier than heroin addicts or mean Regina George type girls. So I don't know what anyone wants. My mom would say that the only reason they got pissed when I left was because I was a good thing and they just treated me like **** anyway and nobody else would put up with them. I always hate how I get cheated on and abused. Watching domestic violence movies has done nothing to help, even documentaries did nothing to help my case because anyone that has been abused muliple times, didn't have a car, sustained noticeable injuries and had to take the bus or walk or reside in crappy, unsafe, rundown areas and got bed bugs and scabies, knows that movies don't help. I' afraid to date because guys just wanted me to be stupid, clean after them, get abused and pregnant and be poor and hit and financially abused. All my exes just wanted me there to have sex with them and pay for their pot, alcohol and other drugs and they were ballsy enough to tell me so. So I don't know what else to say.
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Old 13th October 2017, 5:44 PM   #6
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I want to go back to school and get out of debt, but now I can't do anything and I have people trying to selfishly push me into a career I don't want, trolling me online because they thought it was funny I looked like I had breast cancer and they laughed when I got publicly humiliated for being abused. All my exes just wanted me on drugs and one tried to sell me for drug money when I was 15, so it's a wonder I'm not a dead hooker because that's what my guidance counselor told me I'd be.
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Old 13th October 2017, 6:51 PM   #7
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you should have dumped them at the first bad sign, not let it become a habit, bear that in mind next time it happens, it might not, but be aware that it does, so no more colluding
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Old 13th October 2017, 7:06 PM   #8
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You need to be single for a long while, completely forget about trying to find a man, while you figure out what you need to do to fix your really defective picker.
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Old 13th October 2017, 9:56 PM   #9
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I am sorry to hear of the situations you have found yourself in. I get the feeling you are used to being in abusive situations and that you tend to accept these kinds of relationships until they become unbearable. Maybe your family background was abusive and you do not know what goes on in a good relationship?

It sounds as though when guys start to behave badly and treat you badly, you do not walk out on them. Why are you staying with them? The minute they insult you or try to denigrate you, you should be calling it a day. Someone who treats you like that does not deserve a minute more of your time. It is up to you to teach guys how to treat you. If a guy is at all abusive, leave him. It is the only way, otherwise you are accepting the behaviour whether you realise it or not.

You seem to think you are powerless to change the way guys treat you. You have great power. You have the power to drop them as soon as they show any signs of disrespect. If you do that with every guy who starts to treat you badly, what do you think will happen? Two things will happen: (1) you will filter out the bad guys by refusing to associate with them; (2) you will be teaching anyone you associate with that you will not tolerate disrespect or unkindness. Guys will pretty quickly get the message that if they want your time and company, they have to treat you well.

You may think that by walking out on guys that mistreat you, you won't be left with anyone. You may feel that you are not worthy of being treated with respect. There may be all sorts of reasons why you are scared of taking this course of action, but you are almost certainly wrong. How do you think the women who get the good guys behave? Do you think they allow guys to be rude to them or bullying? What do you think those women do? They walk at the slightest sign of disrespect. That's what you need to do. Throw out all the bad apples and only the good ones will be left. You may be alone for a while but when you do find a guy who treats you well, the wait will be worth it.
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Old 21st October 2017, 3:55 PM   #10
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My post will be a little odd so bear with me.

I tend to think this level of abuse derives from imprinting in childhood. I would be very surprised if you weren't abused significantly at a young age by someone close to you, whether that be family or authority figures. In any case, a lot of our primary belief systems develop before we come of an age where we can recognize how illogical or unsuitable they are.

I believe these dysfunctional beliefs become the basis for the unhealthy situations that we find ourselves in later in life. We attract the level of person that resonates with the subconscious conditioning we hold. So mean, nasty women often end up perpetuating the role of abuser toward nice, pushover men who give them the world and vice versa--at least in my personal observations (trust me, I completely understand when you quoted being treated consistently worse than the meanest/worst people while watching them be handed everything, and that drives me crazy!). Occasionally you'll see people in unhealthy relationships switch role of victim and abuser, but many times those who lack appropriate boundaries or feel low about themselves attract takers and various levels of abuse.

So, in my opinion, until you are able to shore up your personal boundaries and clean up your beliefs about yourself that are deeply ingrained, you will likely attract the same man in a different body. Obviously none of what these men said to you is true--you DO deserve love, you're not a loser, you are worthy. Abusive people often like to cut others down in order to feel better about themselves, and are particularly threatened when their victim of choice tries to empower themselves in one way or another (getting an education, etc.) or has a desirable quality that is obvious to others.

I recommend seeking out a good therapist. But beyond that, I recommend learning EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) on YouTube. It's a very simple tapping technique that can be learned in minutes and is good for PTSD and other emotional problems or troubling beliefs. By far, it has been one of the most helpful tools for me personally in overcoming abuse. If you do decide looking into this modality, start with the most painful earliest memories that you have and work from there.

I don't believe you're sitting back consciously looking for jerks; I have a feeling that the men who are available to you have been jerks. That's why I think it's so very important for you to change the narrative in your head so that you will better be able to notice the men who would treat you well and that the changes you make will be reflected outward in your personal experience. I believe people respond to us all the time based off non-verbal cues and our subconscious energy, and when you're able to heal your imprinting, the quality of treatment that you attract and are willing to put up with greatly changes.

You deserve love. Please know that and stay away from dating while you work on the trauma you've endured. When you come through to the other side of it, you'll likely have a much better life in general, and more fulfilling relationships in particular.
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