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Life seemed easier when I was in abusive relationship?


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 3rd July 2017, 10:11 AM   #1
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Life seemed easier when I was in abusive relationship?

I left the relationship 4 months ago, I got a place in counselling and I knew if I was going to grow I had to leave the abusive relationship behind. I was in a severe depression after making that choice. I became a shell of who I was. I had no strength left. I thought it would make me strong to make such a decision, and to choose myself, it was the toughest thing I had ever done. It was something I questioned if I had made a massive mistake for months, I wasn't prepared for the despair and loneliness I felt, it was crushing. It felt like someone had ripped my heart and soul out of me, and I was an empty shell, that looked human. I was barely able to drag myself out of the house to go to counseling once a week, I became unrecognizable. Never felt so lost and destroyed in my whole life. There were so many times I wished he would contact me so I could go back to living what I had known for 6 years. For some reason during it, it seemed to confirm what a worthless person I was. That the only person who would listen to me was a counselor, who had no idea who I was. The person I had given my heart to, who knew everything about me had run off with someone else a few weeks later.

My counselor said what I had was an addiction, and I think she was right. About a month ago the fact I hadn't talked to him in 3 months was really getting to me, so I decided what the heck, I'll add him on fbook, and say hey why not be friends, I thought I had been over the worst and accepted that I was never going to be with him. What he said was that he wouldn't speak to me out of respect for his current gf, ( he refused to stop speaking to his ex when he was with me, saying I was controlling etc...) and to go bother some other poor soul, told me it is going to go back to the way it was of no contact and he defriended me. It made me regret ever contacting him, even though I wasn't with him or anywhere near him, he was still able to demean me and affect my feelings over a messenger. I will never contact him again. It hurt knowing he had more respect for someone he was with a few months over me for 6 years. My counselor compared it to an alcoholic who wants to hang around the pub and things they are fine there, when actually it is ruining their life. It was harsh to hear that, but she was right.

My heart is completely closed right now, and I have trouble feeling comfortable around people, but I am doing my best to get back into life. I have been sorting out student debt I have got myself into, and getting papers filled out, emailing, calling people etc...and just becoming a lot more productive. I wanted to work towards getting a job but after talking to my family they said I should go on social benefit for a bit cause it is my entitlement. So, I went up there this morning, nervous but proud of myself for doing something I am uncomfortable with, I am working on feeling so socially awkward, so I walk in, and say I want to sign on, I know I have been entitled to sign on for over a month, but have had a medical issue, she starts interrogating me, saying what issue, gets me to fill all these forms out, gives me a right talking to about something 2 years ago when I signed on for a few weeks but didn't collect payments, she brings up all these issues that didn't seem relevant. I told her I am looking for work now, and she keeps asking me am I working, have I been on holiday. Felt I was been interrogated by the police. She told me to come back tomorrow with a form filled out. She made me feel like someone who was trying to take advantage or something. I couldn't wait to leave the place.

I am trying to sort my life out after being in an abusive relationship and in a depression for months, I finally have the courage, motivation, and strength to deal with these things, and it sucks realizing how crappy life seems to be. I felt like shouting I have come out of an abusive relationship, give me a damn break. I just think if I find that overwhelming, how the hell can I handle a job? I am trying to take steps, but it is harder than I thought. Before I used to have the relationship that gave me strength, I used to think I don't care what happens at least I have the person I love that is all that matters, it added so much meaning and color to my life and made everything seem worth it even the bad stuff with life. I would be thinking to myself I can't wait to spend time with the person I love later, I can't wait to see him. Strangers didn't affect me. I wasn't half as sensitive, and didn't really care what way people were or what they said, now everything affects me, I think about every little thing, I worry a lot! I miss all the lovely things he used to say to me, how he would be so excited to see me, how he would be loving towards me. Now I am all alone fighting all these battles alone, I have nobody to turn to at the end of the day, or week. I feel sad and not sure if I will ever be happy again at this point.

Last edited by Lovehel; 3rd July 2017 at 10:16 AM..
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Old 14th July 2017, 5:35 PM   #2
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Sounds a bit like you were just dependent on him and he abused that. I'm glad he cut you off. The last thing you need is him or someone like him. You have problems that predate you getting into this abusive relationship and it will take some time to sort them out, but you just make that your priority. Right now you're feeling kind of raw and stripped of the life you had, but it wasn't a healthy one. You've got to keep up the work and build a new foundation because the one you had wasn't solid.

Maybe soon you can just take an easy part-time job and get your feet wet. Think of something you like to do or be around and try that for starters.
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Old 7th September 2017, 4:32 AM   #3
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Literally the same situation as me, my gf abused me and i broke it off thinking i'd be fine without her, i did not expect the depression and complete loss of confidence that came with losing her its crazy, anyway your not alone as a few people have told me i am so messed up because of the way she treated me, it gets better believe me.
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Old 9th September 2017, 10:47 PM   #4
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It is normal to feel like this after such a relationship. It gets inside your mind and becomes a part of you. Then it is ripped out, even if you are the one who rips it out, it takes time to heal and for that void to fill up. Our minds and even bodies get used to abuse and stress. It's not that the abusive relationship was easier, but you were adapted to it. Now you have to adapt to a life and self outside of that. It feels foreign and uncomfortable at times but you will get there.

Of course it hurts that he has moved on with someone else, but I think that is the case after any relationship. The truth is, it doesn't matter what he is doing now, just keep with no contact (this includes not checking social media) and try to be proud of yourself and cultivate gratitude for traversing a very harsh landscape and coming out on the other side.

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship (some people find it helps to set aside certain times to think about it and feel pain, but for me, I just have to feel it as it comes.) Devote time to improving yourself and making changes. Self-care is essential. Meditation, exercise, taking care of your appearance, learning new things, whatever you like to do that makes you feel better.

It doesn't feel like it, but you've done the hardest part. The pain will fade with time.
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Old 10th September 2017, 10:13 AM   #5
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Yeah, totally normal. Abusers take over your life. They demand all of your attention and time, they isolate you from other people and activities. You walk on eggshells constantly and don't say a word or take an action without first considering how your abuser may respond. By the time you get away from an abuser your life is something you no longer recognize. You don't have a life anymore and you don't what it's like trying to recreate yourself.

Also most abusers have a flip side where they become very caring, adoring and affectionate when they are pleased with their victim. Since the abuser is pretty much the victims whole life it's very hard to walk away from the love the victim thinks the abuser has for them.

If the OP still reads here I just want to say that your ex definitely doesn't respect his new gf more than you. His comment wasn't made out of respect for the new girl it was made out of a desire to hurt and demean you. I spend some years with an abusive man and he used to insist that I was the only woman in his entire life who he was ever abusive with. Said I brought out the worst in him and pushed him to behave abusively. It made me feel horrible as I would wonder what it was exactly I was doing to set him off and make him act like that. Came to find out that he was horribly physically abusive with his exwife. Beat the crap out of her a couple of times. And I had the opportunity to talk to the woman he became involved with right after me. He treated exactly the same as he treated me.

Abusers never pass up an opportunity to hurt you and they always know the exact words to say to cut the deepest. You really have to ignore them.
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Old 16th September 2017, 11:05 PM   #6
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Hello. I read your story with interest. While I don't really have any practical or emotional advice, I have to tell you that I am in exactly the same situation.

I miss my ex immensely. I'd rather be in an unhealthy situation than alone, with no one to talk to about my day, no one to cuddle up with at the weekends, no one that truly understands me. I feel like I hate all my friends and family; none of them are HER, none of them can do what she does. It's rubbish.
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Old 25th September 2017, 6:28 AM   #7
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I'm gonna put it out there that these abusive relationships were a distraction for you, and that the drama of being in them was a distraction for how you were really feeling about yourself (whether that was before the r/ship, or eroded with the r/ship).

The only way forward is out of these relationships. Relationships are about relating (hence the word r/ship), not this. You are probably feeling empty because you are out of your comfort zone, but doesn't it occurr to you to find somebody who respects you? In order to do this, you'll have to practise respecting yourself first.

You are feeling isolated etc, because you're on the precipace of great change. The old stuff needs to go before you can bring new stuff in. Anybody who treats others badly, is actually feeling bad about themselves. Remember this guys.

Good luck in moving forward.. Keep going

Last edited by Soak; 25th September 2017 at 6:31 AM..
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