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Leaving someone due to abuse


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Old 23rd June 2017, 3:50 PM   #1
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Leaving someone due to abuse

I understand the general sentiment here is that if someone is at all abusive in whatever way, you should run away and never look back. No one should tolerate such behaviour, etc. and run far far away.

I don't disagree with that but from personal experience - I just wanted to share something. Bad behaviour is not right but sometimes it really is hard to see when you are the midst of intense pain and you are trying to do anything to lessen the pain. And if you've had a pattern of seeing unhealthy behaviours growing up for people who actually do love each other but do not express their emotions properly.

My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.

I agree that repeated behaviours despite people identifying it as abuse and telling them to seek therapy/change is the person in denial.

But I am just wondering - obviously love is not truly unconditional, but if someone was only told that once - and they truly had not seen it before, and their partner leaves them. Of course, anyone is justified to go at any time.

But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 4:00 PM   #2
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When thinking of it in terms of cancer and other illnesses, treatment usually involves removing the cause of the illness. Right? Whether that's through the body's own immune system, medication, theraphy, or surgery.

If you let the cause of the illness hang around - hoping to get better ... on its own - you're still sick.

We can love our cancer and want to keep it around, but it will continue to be detrimental to us until something changes.
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Old 26th June 2017, 8:37 AM   #3
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Well that's where therapy comes into play. If you actually love the person and want to see them change. Except if you can't even be with them through that - then it probably is just an infatuation or misguided love rather than true love.

True love isn't unconditional in the sense that you should be taking crap from someone. It's in the sense that when someone isn't well, you try to help them see the way and help them get better. If you don't want that, then I don't know how someone can say they actually love someone.

It's okay to realize that you don't love someone as strongly as you once had. It kind of sucks that you realized that so late in the game, but that's okay too. But to claim you love someone and desert them is not love.
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Old 28th June 2017, 2:00 PM   #4
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One of the things that helped me to know is that you can only control yourself. Sometimes you need to put up and defend your boundaries to protect your mental (and possibly physical) health. Sometimes people need a wake up call to get their life on track so sometimes you will be more effective if you leave or do other things to enforce your boundary. Most people don't want to change until it's more uncomfortable not to change.
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Old 30th June 2017, 9:34 PM   #5
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You can't change someone. So sometimes you have to leave someone you love when their behavior is unacceptable. Why? Because allowing it and staying there, you are encouraging and validating their bad behavior -- and that is NOT helping them.
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Old 30th June 2017, 10:16 PM   #6
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I don't understand the point you're trying to make. Could you clarify the kind of situations where you think someone should stay and help an abusive partner?
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Old 1st July 2017, 11:59 AM   #7
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Sometimes people don't realize they're being abusive or they have strong emotion dysregulation. There's a context to everything. Not all abuse is out of ill intent, it sometimes is poor coping strategies to stress or in reaction to behaviour of others. Doesn't make it right - but it's a different context than someone who does it purely out of trying to control and hurting another individual. Everything is a spectrum.

And people can change. It's a different thing when someone identifies they don't like the way someone is talking to them and tells them to stop and they repeatedly don't. Whereas if someone just says - oh it was all my fault, then that just confuses the situation. Sometimes in the moment of emotion dysregulation, you don't even know what's going on. It's not an excuse not to change, but if there are other reasons for the relationship to get through difficult times, and work out, then you wouldn't just leave the other person.

One can physically leave and set boundaries but say that so and so must be done before you think it would work. But if you just want to leave forever, I think then, the love really isn't as strong to get through these humps.

And that's like saying no one can ever change. People do change - if they can identify and have self-awareness.

Of course people have the right to leave. I'm just saying that if they ultimately don't want to give the other person a chance to change, then their love for the person is limited. And that's okay too if they realize that, but that's what it's an indicator of.
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Old 1st July 2017, 6:40 PM   #8
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The kind of love you are speaking about takes a long time to solidify. And events such as this should cause a major stumbling block to love forming. Why would someone who has good self worth fall in love with a person who treats them badly because they can't cope with life? Sensible people know not to fall in love with someone's potential.

Life is full of stressors - and especially so for someone who reacts to stress poorly. If I'm dating you and you have a bad day at work and take it out on me, you're going to be history.
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Old 26th July 2017, 4:37 PM   #9
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The healthy thing for every individual would be to focus on himself other that the abuser. How do I feel? How is this relationship hurting me? What do I get from staying? As someone already said, we can only control our own behavior.

If someone has a longstanding pattern of treating you badly, it doesn't really matter what's wrong with them. People don't change that much, behavioral patterns are deeply ingrained. Even if they do change, the other partner will probably live in fear, being traumatized earlier.

Depends in which point in life you find yourself. If you are not married with kids, then I see it as an easy choice - leave. And if you are, well, if there is no improvement over a logical period of time, also leave.

Nobody's crappy childhood and whatever gives them permission to wrong others. We are all responsible for our actions, by staying and tolerating the abuse you are sort of approving of their bad choices.

Good luck
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Old 27th July 2017, 4:18 AM   #10
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That's Not Love...

...On the abuser's part. The person doesn't stop loving you if they leave you for your abuse. That just means they love themselves, also. That's perfectly fine. Great for them, actually.

An abuser telling their lover to stay in pain is not love. Love is caring for that person in all circumstances. THAT'S unconditional love. Just like parents do. If the parent doesn't believe they're in a good place mentally, they give their child to someone who they think will take care of them better even though that kills the parent. Because their love is unconditional.

Relationship love is for the other person. Love is a choice. An act of will. It isn't a feeling. There is no place on earth where the terrain is engraved saying love must be reciprocated.

If love has to be reciprocated for one to care or love back, that person made the choice to be conditional and superficial. Someone choosing to save their mental doesn't mean they don't love you. Why would someone stay around and be abused by anyone? That has nothing to do with love. That's just basic instincts for survival.
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Old 27th July 2017, 5:33 AM   #11
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The problem with abuse is that is is no "fun" being abused, it eats away at self esteem and confidence and the person who is being abused becomes a shell of their former self and their mental health suffers.

It hardly matters the reason as to why a person chooses to abuse another person. When the chips are down, the victim often has to leave to regain "normality" and to prevent further damage to themselves.
The "victim" is usually in no position to "help" the abuser, they have usually tried and tried and tried to get the abuser to stop hurting them to no avail and the only recourse they have left, is to walk away to save themselves.

Love really has little to do with it, it is very possible to love a person whilst fending off "blows" (physical and/or emotional) right, left and centre from them, but there comes a time when enough is enough and walking away is the only option.
Saying that a person who walks away does not love enough, shows a lack of understanding as regards the real damage abuse can do to the victim.

Who really cares if the abuser's childhood was bad or if their emotional regulation is poor, or they are damaged deep inside, or they have "many demons", people deal with those issues daily but do not feel the need to abuse another person.
Abuse is not showing love and a person who doles out abuse does not really deserve unconditional love back, but they usually choose to hurt the person who loves them the most, I guess as they know they can...
That is the reality.
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Old 31st July 2017, 8:54 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.
If you have tried and tried to help an abusive person to change, to no avail, it's time to realise that you've only been banging your head against a brick wall. A person can only change if they want to and must put in the effort themselves.
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Old 31st July 2017, 4:50 PM   #13
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I think the cycles you guys are talking about is if someone clearly said to someone, "I don't like this behaviour, stop" instead of someone who instead goes "oh it's all my fault, I will change for the better". Sometimes both parties have something to contribute to the dynamics and sometimes both sides "abuse" in different ways.

Some people react to abuse in other ways - whether financial, gas lighting etc. What it becomes is a relationship with bad dynamics.

I think ultimately the better question is why there are bad dynamics - whether it's one person being "abusive", both people, etc. And is there anything that can change? There are people even on this forum with stories of change. But at the end of the day, it is a personal decision. And I don't think anyone can exactly judge anyone who wants to stay or leave. Staying to tolerate the SAME behaviour doesn't make sense. But if there is a plan, even if you have a cold-out period of even a year or something, is still anticipating change.

But at the end of the day, if you don't love the person enough, you don't want care to wait for any of that. I know that if I loved someone deeply, even if they hurt me, I may choose to leave, but I would still want them to get better, and if they did, perhaps there would still be room. But if I realized I didn't truly love them, then yeah, I wouldn't tolerate it and be gone for good.

At the end of the day, it is a question of love. Otherwise - if you go on the street, and someone yelled at you or hit you - wouldn't you call the police immediately? Then why do people stay in those relationships? Sure some of it is dependency, fear, etc. But a lot of is love too.

I don't think it's black or white. Many people in this world make decisions that are grey. And people are not all good or bad - people are not just "victims" or "abusers". Sometimes both people are somewhere in between. There are issues with relationship dynamics and that is the real question. Most of the time, it is the right decision for the relationship to have gotten there in the first place - for it to end. But there are others who have worked on issues and done better - but that is based on true love.
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Old 1st August 2017, 7:39 AM   #14
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If your partner is abusing you and you're 100% sure you want to stay in the relationship, then why did you start this thread? You are wanting others to reassure you that you are making the right decision. It seems more that you are uncertain.

You may love your partner, but do they love you? Be careful that you are not confusing loving your partner with enabling them.
Urban Dictionary: enabler
If your partner keeps abusing you despite your efforts to stop them and you stay in the relationship, you are still an enabler.
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Old 1st August 2017, 11:39 AM   #15
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The decision is done and it's over on a personal level. I'm just discussing the topic now on a general level because I see a lot of black/white on LS and I think not all situations are black and white. Just like the cheating thing. Personally I would never go back with someone who cheated. But for those who do - it's not like they're the scum of earth, blah blah blah. I think every person has an individual situation and I don't know if that's the right situation/decision for that couple/person.
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