LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Mind, Body & Soul > Abuse

he won't have sex with me unless i give him money ...i'm addicted to him ...


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

Like Tree64Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th June 2017, 8:51 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,390
Loveshack is nice but you need a professional to help you understand why you accept this treatment from men. The therapist will answer your questions right away also. You will never get over him if you continue to communicate with him. I don't think you want to stop hearing from him.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th June 2017, 12:13 PM   #32
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
I don't think you want to stop hearing from him.


In a way, this is true. I feel anxious when he doesn't hit me up, but then when he does hit me up, I feel panicked because I know I'm not ready to see him or not wanting to see him or not in a place where I'm okay to see him ... but its hard for me to resist him. So it's like I'm more at peace when I'm not seeing him, but more anxious about not hearing from him ... it's just this crazy cluster **** that makes no sense no matter what way I look at it.


But then it's like ... I don't know what I'm expecting to hear from him. The absolute best case scenario would be , he says he wants to be with me - and not only would he never do that, but that could never happen and that's not even what I would want. I could never bring him around my friends or family, he would cheat on me for sure because he's just like that ... I know he's not for me. So I don't know what he could possibly say that I need to hear.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th June 2017, 12:25 PM   #33
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
I just contacted someone to try to get an appointment for therapy. I feel terrified. I am getting my Master's in Social Work and also work in an adult mental health program, so I know and spend time with a lot of therapists ... and because I DID therapy at my internship this past year, and I know what a mess I am, I question whether anyone can help me. I need to try though so fingers crossed that this lady calls me back. I literally feel terrified.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th June 2017, 9:32 PM   #34
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,887
It takes such courage to make the call - good for you!

You have probably made the best decision you could make! The best decision that you have made in a very long time! Have faith, everything will work out. You just need a little help to sort things out. There is no shame in that. I believe that you will get there...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th June 2017, 9:22 PM   #35
Established Member
 
spiderowl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,529
Somehow this situation developed because you were vulnerable and needed someone close. This guy exploited you and it gradually became a situation where you were so immersed in it, it was hard to see what was happening. I am glad your instincts showed you that it was so harmful to you and that they have enabled you to be strong and start the process of disentangling yourself. You are literally finding your way to a whole new reality and seeing the past relationship for what it was.

I think you are doing incredibly well. I worry that his abusiveness will drag you down, yet at the same time I can see why you have not cut him off completely. Cutting someone off does not necessarily make things make sense. Sometimes it actually helps to see in clear daylight what one has been dealing with. But, if you feel it is harmful to you, then please protect yourself but going no contact. It does make it easier to get over someone if they are not in contact or just about to be in contact. It can leave a hollow but that gradually fades so it is worth it in the long run. Something to consider anyway.

Is it possible that at some level you like someone to tell you what to do? Many people would have just said no when he started asking for money or being unfaithful. It could be lack of self-esteem that made you feel you could not expect better from him, but it seems like you were unduly influenced by him. You have shown now how you do not need him bossing you about and how clear-headed you can be. Something within you has decided to resist him. This must come from your unconscious mind and that makes it a very powerful force. I wonder what changed? Can you identify anything that made you suddenly feel differently about what was happening?

I think you are on the path out of this painful situation. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Bear in mind that with the right person in future you could have pleasure without the pain. That is the goal. You don't have to tolerate misery in order to get something good for a short time. I can see you going from strength to strength here. You just have to make sure that whatever allowed you to fall under his influence will never be able to do that again. You do not want your next relationship to be so harmful.
__________________
"You ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright" ('Thunder Road', Bruce Springsteen)
spiderowl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th June 2017, 9:32 PM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,501
Don't be afraid of therapy. This is a great gift to yourself. Now after a few visits if you feel you're talking to a wall, you can switch therapists. I had one who didn't have enough life experience to counsel me. You might see if anyone you know has any recommendations or even just look on google and your town and searching for psychologists and then read the reviews, but keep in mind some people only post if they're mad. Good luck. This is a step in the right direction.
knabe likes this.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd July 2017, 12:09 PM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderowl View Post
Somehow this situation developed because you were vulnerable and needed someone close. This guy exploited you and it gradually became a situation where you were so immersed in it, it was hard to see what was happening. I am glad your instincts showed you that it was so harmful to you and that they have enabled you to be strong and start the process of disentangling yourself. You are literally finding your way to a whole new reality and seeing the past relationship for what it was.

I think you are doing incredibly well. I worry that his abusiveness will drag you down, yet at the same time I can see why you have not cut him off completely. Cutting someone off does not necessarily make things make sense. Sometimes it actually helps to see in clear daylight what one has been dealing with. But, if you feel it is harmful to you, then please protect yourself but going no contact. It does make it easier to get over someone if they are not in contact or just about to be in contact. It can leave a hollow but that gradually fades so it is worth it in the long run. Something to consider anyway.

Is it possible that at some level you like someone to tell you what to do? Many people would have just said no when he started asking for money or being unfaithful. It could be lack of self-esteem that made you feel you could not expect better from him, but it seems like you were unduly influenced by him. You have shown now how you do not need him bossing you about and how clear-headed you can be. Something within you has decided to resist him. This must come from your unconscious mind and that makes it a very powerful force. I wonder what changed? Can you identify anything that made you suddenly feel differently about what was happening?

I think you are on the path out of this painful situation. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Bear in mind that with the right person in future you could have pleasure without the pain. That is the goal. You don't have to tolerate misery in order to get something good for a short time. I can see you going from strength to strength here. You just have to make sure that whatever allowed you to fall under his influence will never be able to do that again. You do not want your next relationship to be so harmful.
I think that way back when this thing started, this guy seemed like a new and improved version of my boyfriend at the time. I was on the way out of my relationship with my boyfriend, but wasn't ready to leave him yet because I felt like I needed to justify in my head why I didn't want to be with him (because he had no ambition, couldn't make things happen, was always playing the victim of circumstance, had kids he didn't really take care of but felt like he did, no car, menial job that he complied about but wouldn't look for a new one, was emotional and needy and clingy and would have been possessive if he had had the wearwithal to actually follow me around or control me). THIS guy had a good job (same as me), a car, seemed to take care of his kids, showered interest in me, was definitely the hottest guy in the office that me and the other girl I worked with were crushing on - and I felt happy back then, that he 'picked' me - he just seemed like what I wanted. Plus, it was exciting to creep around, at first. But of course, I got attached - especially when I broke up with my man, and this guy was my main distraction, I started craving him more and more.


I haven't really thought about liking someone telling me what to do - because I would say I am exactly the opposite - but I do let this guy tell me what to do. I am a very argumentative person, and he is as well, and I think he enjoys arguing with me (I don't even mean real fighting, I mean bantering back and forth, even though it gets irritating, I really do think he likes it, and in a way ... I prefer that to a guy who is clingy and needy and 'too nice'). He seems like he's big and ... like powerful, maybe, not really anymore because now he has no job and no car (ha, like my ex) but he always has seemed that way. Kind of.


I used to think he was "better" than me or MORE than me somehow. I know now that he's not.


And I hate to say it .... I saw him last night. I gave in. I don't know why. I wanted sex I guess but more than that, I wanted someone to be close with him because I'm used to it ... and we had a good conversation actually, and he gave me a massage ... it was one of the "good" times where we really got along. And he told me , again, he can get money anywhere and its not like I give him a lot and he's winning the lottery, so he "chooses" to spend time with me. Which is bull**** when I step back and look at it, but I also wonder if maybe it's true ... and I also wonder too if maybe I'm too scared to really like, stand up to him, and maybe he's just using that power he had over me because he knows I won't say no, but maybe he really would still come around if I didn't give him anything but he wants me to think he won't. He could be bluffing and I have never been strong enough or brave enough to find out.


Its a mess, I'm a mess, but I don't feel bad right now.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd July 2017, 9:57 PM   #38
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,887
If he could get money anywhere and he doesn't need your money, why does he continue to accept it? He does this, because he is an *********.

He "chooses" to spend time with you. Like, you are "lucky" to have him. That's bull$$$$. This man exploits you time and time again, with no remorse.

This guy is seriously the lowest of the low. He is a truly terrible person for doing this to you. And, I have absolutely no idea why you allow it to continue...

Last edited by BaileyB; 2nd July 2017 at 10:02 PM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd July 2017, 10:11 PM   #39
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,593
ask him for money - please just do it

if he is back in your life...
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2017, 7:57 AM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
He will never change. No matter how good the good times seem, they will always be taken away from me and I will have to start from the beginning of getting over it all again, and feeling strong again.


I called him out on lying. I gave him direct examples of times that he has lied in the past, relative to what we were talking about at the time ... I told him he's a sociopath, and he said, "that's not true, but if it was, what does that make you?" And I said, "What does it make me?" He said, "Crazy. Nuts."


I said, "What would it make me if I believed the things you say, given the number of times you've lied to me in the past?"


And he said, "You're just an idiot. Plain and simple. You also have some kind of mental issue. Like you're there but not all the way. I don't understand you sometimes."




I feel like that **** is true. So here I am again. Starting over again. It's been four days since that interaction ... haven't seen him since. He tried to hang out yesterday, tried to be nice, but I know he's not. I know that the nice times are not real and will be taken away soon after. I told him, "I'm not playing this game anymore." And he said, "Ok me neither."


That's all.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2017, 8:31 AM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 948
Did you give him money again?
anna121 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2017, 5:00 PM   #42
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
Yes.

And then all of that stuff that I wrote about earlier happened, the next day after we were together - that was just an interaction through text that I wrote earlier.

Earlier today, he tried to tell me he's "sexually frustrated" and wants to hang out later ... I reminded him of what he'd said, about I'm an idiot and mentally ill, and he just said, "Why are you always looking for a reason to be upset? You're always on the bs and I get the **** end of the stick from your attitude. If you want to get up (insert explicit comments here) then lmk."

I told him he is invested in not looking at himself or how his behavior affects my attitude or mental issue and this is why I'm not ****ing with him, and I deserve better.

He hasn't responded.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2017, 5:36 PM   #43
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 364
What would the name be for a female version of a "John", ... a "Jean"?
doyathinkso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2017, 6:42 PM   #44
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
^^ Yeah, I get it.


As the person involved in the situation, its not as simple as that. It's not as easy to get out of the situation and look at it from that perspective.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2017, 6:43 PM   #45
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 71
I'm writing here as an effort to not speak to him, to not give in to him when he speaks to me ... not because I don't know the situation is messed up and that its my fault.
meta.morphate is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Why does my mother give my heroin addicted brother everything? HaWhoKnew Addiction & Recovery 13 2nd October 2010 3:11 AM
SHOULD I give him the money???? 1AQUARIAN Separation and Divorce 13 8th September 2006 2:35 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:07 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.