Penguin. Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 (edited) I'm pregnant with my first child, and when I told my boyfriend he got very mad. He doesn't want a child, especially not with me. That's what he says. He keeps telling our friends it's not his and if he could figure out whose it was he'd kill us both. He also says that I planned this, which I didn't. I'm not allowed to have ultrasound pictures out, and when I tried to show him one he ripped it up. He's also been throwing away my parenting books. The other day there was a very sad article in the paper about a woman and her baby who died in childbirth, and he said it was too bad our baby will "most likely live." He has been saying I don't deserve to be a mother, and if I can't be faithful why am I having a child in the first place... None of this is true. It is his baby, and I'm so excited and want this to work out. I don't know what to do.does anyone have any advice? Edited January 12, 2017 by Penguin. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I'm pregnant with my first child, and when I told my boyfriend he got very mad. He doesn't want a child, especially not with me. That's what he says. He keeps telling our friends it's not his and if he could figure out whose it was he'd kill us both. He also says that I planned this, which I didn't. The other day there was a very sad article in the paper about a woman and her baby who died in childbirth, and he said it was too bad our baby will "most likely live." He has been saying I don't deserve to be a mother, and if I can't be faithful why am I having a child in the first place... None of this is true. It is his baby, and I'm so excited and want this to work out. I don't know what to do.does anyone have any advice? Wait, are you guys still in a relationship despite him saying all of this? My advice is to cut all contact with this guy and possibly get a restraining order if you truly fear that he is serious about his threats. I'm sorry to say, but it won't work out no matter how hard you try. His behavior is disturbing and abusive, the relationship is clearly disfunctional and there's no respect. Plus, he clearly doesn't want to try and work things out and you can't do it alone or make him do it. Once the baby is born you can file for full custody based on his abusive behavior and he'll be ordered to pay child support. Personally, the father of my daughter was verbally abusive towards me when I got pregnant and made threats. I ended all contact with him, moved and changed my number. When my child was born I didn't put him on the birth certificate and didn't file for child support because I didn't want him to have any legal rights to her if he's going to act like a lunatic. He later got access to her once he calmed down and realized his mistakes. Once your baby is born, the words he said to you will sting even more than they do now, trust me. Once I saw my daughter and realized how much I love her and what I would give up for her, I was a different person. She was everything to me and all of the terrible things he said to me during my pregnancy with her were suddenly ten times worse. Even though he has visitation now, I will never forgive/forget that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Please get away from this guy. He has threatened to kill you and your baby. Do not just assume he doesn't mean it. Jealousy and paranoia can be very powerful emotions - do not underestimate what jealousy and paranoia can make some guys do. Stay away from him and find somewhere safe to live. If you have family then go home and let them look after you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 If you have a friend or family, please move out and stay with them. It nothing else motivates you to move away from him, maybe the frightening thought of raising your child in the midst of his hate and disgust will. No child should be a part of such a life. Get away from him and start focusing on creating less stress in your life, experiencing the joy of your pregnancy and planning on creating a happy and healthy environment for your child and yourself. There is no working this out. It's very apparent. It's time you accept that fact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Did you guys discuss having children before you got pregnant? Were you on BC? Was he going to break up with you before he found this out? Why does he talk so badly about you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Want to work it out? So your child can be abused by this guy like you are? Please, find a support system and get far away from him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 This guy is an abuser. This baby may end up being your biggest blessing ever, because he/she will give you the strength to walk away from this horrible relationship. If you can't leave this guy for some twisted reason, please place the baby for adoption. No child deserves to grow up like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Penguin. Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 We both established that we wouldn't have children together... I was on birth control, but my doctor put me on a new medication and I think it made it not work. We live together, and I have no immediate family. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 (edited) We both established that we wouldn't have children together... I was on birth control, but my doctor put me on a new medication and I think it made it not work. We live together, and I have no immediate family. Do you work? Do you have friends (seems like you do)? An income? No immediate family isn't a good enough reason to stay where you are because you're romanticizing a future. What steps are you taking or contemplating to remove yourself from this situation? The welfare and safety of this child should be your #1 priority. Romanticizing a future with this man is something you need to forget about as he will not be what you need or want him to be. Edited January 12, 2017 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author Penguin. Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 Yes, I do have a job, and have stayed with friends when he gets too mean. He always wants me to come home so I do. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Yes, I do have a job, and have stayed with friends when he gets too mean. He always wants me to come home so I do. Time to stop "coming home". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Why do you do what he says? What do YOU want? Why do you choose to have someone who is so nasty to you in your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 You have another life to think about now. Don't put your child through this. Abusive men just tend to get worse, especially when they have a "doormat" who will always take them back to matter how bad they get. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) Yes, I do have a job, and have stayed with friends when he gets too mean. He always wants me to come home so I do. Read the cycle of abuse. This is what abusers do. It's not because he loves you. It's because he knows you are a doormat and will keep going back to him regardless of how badly he treats you. You're a benefit to have and nothing more. For your child's sake, since you can't do it for yourself, leave this man. You don't bring a child into an environment that is dangerous and volatile. You have a job. You have income. Get an apartment and build a life for you and your child. This man cannot give you or your child anything. You're in deep denial. Edited January 13, 2017 by Zahara 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Penguin. Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 Why do you do what he says? What do YOU want? Why do you choose to have someone who is so nasty to you in your life? Well, the stupid answer is, I love him. We've been together for years, and being without him just seems so scary. I say that knowing I have to protect my baby, and I have to leave. I wish he would change so bad... I'm afraid of what he'll do if I leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Well, the stupid answer is, I love him. We've been together for years, and being without him just seems so scary. I say that knowing I have to protect my baby, and I have to leave. I wish he would change so bad... I'm afraid of what he'll do if I leave. It's not love. You don't love him. You're co-dependent. You've lost your self-esteem and believe this is all you deserve, hence your fear of leaving because you feel you'll be alone with nothing. So anything, even a shyttbag like him is something. Don't confuse toxic dependence for love. Abusers DON'T change. My father dragged my mom off from the bed by her hair just after she delivered me. At 70, and for decades, she painfully regrets everyday staying with him and exposing us to such abuse. Don't be that woman. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Agree this isn't love, you just have a very unhealthy attachment to him. People are afraid to give up what they know even when they know it's not good for them. It's truly sickening how many stories I have read about mothers who knowingly stayed with abusive men who wound up killing their child/children. I have tried to have compassion and empathy for those moms but I just can't do it. I wind up hating them with every fiber of my being because they were the only person who could have done something to protect their innocent child and they chose not to. You don't wait and see what he does or if he is abusive to your child because babies are very fragile and it could take just one incident of abuse to kill your baby or injure him/her for life. Even if your bf never lays a finger on that child he can still cause damage just by his cruel words. What if he tells your kid that he/she wasn't wanted and he wished he/she had died. If you dont' leave this man then you are already a terrible parent who doesn't deserve children IMO. Sorry for the harshness of my words but women who put men over their own children shouldn't be allowed to have offspring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Penguin. Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 We were fine before I got pregnant, and then it was like he snapped... Another thing that makes me made is he still wants to have sex with me all the time, and I don't know why... As we speak I'm looking at places to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 We were fine before I got pregnant, and then it was like he snapped... Another thing that makes me made is he still wants to have sex with me all the time, and I don't know why... As we speak I'm looking at places to go. He didn't snap. This is who he is. People don't go from prince to monster overnight. Get your head out of the clouds. Why wouldn't he not want to have sex with you? It's there. It's available. He's horny. You're mad at that? Get mad that he's threatened to kill your child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 We were fine before I got pregnant, and then it was like he snapped... Another thing that makes me made is he still wants to have sex with me all the time, and I don't know why... As we speak I'm looking at places to go. I think that's great. You just need to make sure that you don't end up going back to him. I suggest you get counseling so you can truly understand that what happened to you was abuse and why you tolerated it. Him wanting to have sex with you does not mean he loves you, he thinks of you as someone who is available to him at any time. There's no love or respect in this relationship, unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Yes, I do have a job, and have stayed with friends when he gets too mean. He always wants me to come home so I do. Why do you continue to go back to him? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Well, the stupid answer is, I love him. We've been together for years, and being without him just seems so scary. I say that knowing I have to protect my baby, and I have to leave. I wish he would change so bad... I'm afraid of what he'll do if I leave. If he comes after you get a restraining order. Don't let him scare you. Protect yourself. Good you are looking for places to move to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Penguin. Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 Last night he came in while I was thinking over names, looked over my list, said "these are retarded" I asked why he cares and he got quiet for a second and said "I don't." Which tells me he does. I got little things out, or things that if for what reason I can't get back in I'll need, and left. Already have a new apartment. Now he's calling non-stop. Where am I? Who is he? I better come home because he's not joking. Weird stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Last night he came in while I was thinking over names, looked over my list, said "these are retarded" I asked why he cares and he got quiet for a second and said "I don't." Which tells me he does. I got little things out, or things that if for what reason I can't get back in I'll need, and left. Already have a new apartment. Now he's calling non-stop. Where am I? Who is he? I better come home because he's not joking. Weird stuff. Do not tell him where you are living. Just ignore the calls. Don't tell your friends where you live because it may leak to him. If things start to get worse, head to your nearest police station. Start taking steps to protect yourself. He does not care. Stop trying to read into his comments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I am not in agreement with his behavior or ways in which you both communicate. On your part you have thrown a curve ball at him. Basically telling him to "deal" with your decision. Why doesnt he get a voice in this decision? Its a shock to any man who wants to remain childless at this point in their life to be told- sorry dear, I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it. Give him time to breathe, I doubt that its easy on him to now be responsible for a life he didn't plan on. Sit with an unbias person who is safe for you both to openly discuss this pregnancy. He undoubtedly is scared or hurt and maybe angry too..... Its how he conveys it that is key. Not with violence though. Be open to discussing alternate ideas ...such as abortion, adoption. Despite you having your mind set...He deserves to at least voice those alternate ideas. I'm all for it being your body and your choice, but blocking him from having any type of say is disowning his adult opinion and responsibility in how the future will unfold. If you both can hear one another out, it will clear the way to a more civil resolution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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