To charge or not to charge?

[Bronze]

HI people,

 

I'm not too sure if this is the place for this but here it is:

 

I had a long, 20 year marriage. After that ended I was single for over 4 years and didn't really believe I'd ever meet anybody. I met the sexiest man I've ever met, fell head over heels, he said all the right things. Being a millionaire, he could afford for us to have the most romantic trips etc. There was one fly in ointment - he had bad jealousy and anger problems. If I wrote everything down that happened in black and white, it would be pretty apparent there were plenty of times I should have walked and not looked back. I ignored every red flag - I'd had a dreadful marriage and had never felt this way about a man before.

 

Long story short - the relationship ended with him physically assaulting me in January, just before I moved over 1000kms to live near him. I left and have only ever seen him physically once since I moved to his city - I was on my way, I'd taken a job and couldn't go back. I was devastated, starting in a new city with my daughter, a new job, doing a PhD, I documented the assault with the Dr, took photos', had other people take photos but couldn't bring myself to go to the cops.

 

After many months of finally getting my feet under me and being able to breathe I finally had the guts to go to the cops. Before I could say anything the policeman said it had been a while, I was safe now, this man is rich, it would be a super stressful thing for me to go through and if I am no longer in danger do I really want to go through all of that trauma again and also my evidence if not police evidence only documented at the doctors and by photos etc.

 

That was a few months ago and I still can't move on - this man consumes my mind. He is completely unrepentant and I'm certain I'm not the only woman he has done this to. I feel like he feels justified in what he did and I want him to pay(not monetarily). I want him to know it is not right to beat women up. I feel I can't really move on unless I have done what I can to make him see he is wrong for what he did to me. I feel like I have rolled over like a weakling. On the other hand I do have a huge amount of things to do, I'm a single mum doing a PhD on a super stressful clinical trial in a very prestigious university and my time is extremely limited which stopped me going to the cops in the first place.

 

I would love advice from those who have pressed charges whether it really did help you move on or not or whether it just compounded the problem and made it take longer to get over? I really want to move on but he still takes up too much space in my head. I feel that a grave injustice has been done. Thank you for reading this, guys.

[jen1447]

Do you live in the US? If so there's a couple things to keep in mind. First is that the government actually presses charges on your behalf, you don't do it yourself or make the decision. So what would happen is you'd make a complaint, the police would investigate and then the local prosecutor would decide if there was evidence to charge. So the point is, if you decide you want to go thru w it, that's not a guarantee he'll actually be charged.

 

If the evidence you have consists of photos, that probably isn't sufficient in itself. It just shows that you had x-y-z injuries, not who gave them to you. That ends up being down to eyewitness testimony - yours, which can be a bit tenuous when you're also the victim. I don't want to discourage you w that, just stating realities so you know. Again, there's no guarantee a prosecution will go forward.

 

Lastly you'd have to be prepared to face him in court and make these accusations publicly. Some ppl struggle w that.

 

Overall if this is sth you simply can't rest over and it'll affect your psyche going forward in a negative way indefinitely, I'd say go for it. If on the other hand you can put it behind you, you might find it's best for your own sake to try to move on and take the lesson you learned from all of it and make sure you never end up in a situation like that again.

[Bronze]

I live in Australia. We also have police prosecutors and it would be the police arresting him and charging him. As the police said once I report a crime, the ball will start rolling and it won't stop. I will need to be prepared to continue on with it through the end. It will be a long and stressful event.

 

Facing him in court - yes, that is also something that will be difficult. To this day he has never acknowledged or apologised and feels totally justified in what he did. He is middle eastern and he is the most arrogant person I have ever met. (He was also the best sweet talker I've ever met as well otherwise I never would have fallen for him)

 

It has taken me a long time to get over him even though he beat me up and also to come to terms with the fact I must have serious mental problems to take this long to get over somebody who could treat me so badly. I am finally over him but I'm not over the injustice, unfairness and humiliation which is why I'm wondering whether facing him in court will be empowering or make things worse. I think I can come across in court as believable - I am a professional, I have good standing in the community and I am highly educated. BUT you are completely correct that when it comes down to it - there were only two people there - unless there is footage on CCTV (we were in a hotel room). Yes, I did go to the doctor and get other people to take photos. I also put myself straight into psychological counselling.

 

So yes, it's his word against mine. It actually makes me scared just thinking about going through with this and that makes me angry that women should have to feel so scared and helpless in these situations. He has gotten away with a terrible thing and I won't be the last woman he does this to. Thank you for your reply. It is appreciated.

[Methodical]

It has taken me a long time to get over him even though he beat me up and also to come to terms with the fact I must have serious mental problems to take this long to get over somebody who could treat me so badly. I am finally over him but I'm not over the injustice, unfairness and humiliation which is why I'm wondering whether facing him in court will be empowering or make things worse. I think I can come across in court as believable - I am a professional, I have good standing in the community and I am highly educated. BUT you are completely correct that when it comes down to it - there were only two people there - unless there is footage on CCTV (we were in a hotel room). Yes, I did go to the doctor and get other people to take photos. I also put myself straight into psychological counselling.

 

You have a few things at play working against you. You say you must have serious mental problems to take his abuse for so long. Apparently, he dished out a lot of crap, this was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. You *think* you can come across as believable in court. No matter how compelling your account is, even with doctor's documentation and pictures, a good attorney can twist your words and create false motive that paints you in a negative light. Although you sought counseling for the psychological abuse he put you through, that may get turned against you, as well. I'm not trying to discourage you, but you need to consider all angles before you dive in headfirst because it won't be an easy battle mentally, physically, or financially.

[Bronze]

Yes, I know it will be very difficult. In Australia, at least, financially it won't cost me anything even if he isn't convicted. I guess in a nutshell, the mental stress and outrage I am experiencing and having trouble getting over needs to outweigh the mental stress going through a court case will be, with no guarantees that doing that will alleviate how I'm feeling. I know I would feel stronger having stood up to the mofo and faced him down but he is a dangerous person and extremely abusive and condescending. I'm sure just him looking at me will cause me distress. BUT he is also a business man and just being charged even if he isn't convicted will put a dent in his armour, I hope but probably it won't..

 

Maybe I should talk to a professional about it. The police weren't a great deal of help, I must say and that should probably changed if domestic violence is ever going to be decreased in any great amount.

[SoleMate]

I recommend getting in touch with a women's shelter or domestic violence advocate. Australia is well supplied with these: Australia-wide services | Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria I feel the police officer was wrong to discourage you so automatically. (*) Decisions about whether to complain formally are complicated and there are certainly possible risks, and also possible benefits. Many people including that particular officer have a backward attitude about how it's always better to rug sweep DV. Survivor advocates will have a more balanced view with proper facts about risks and benefits. They can also help you find counseling, a support group, other resources etc.

 

I want him to know it is not right to beat women up. I feel I can't really move on unless I have done what I can to make him see he is wrong for what he did to me. I feel like I have rolled over like a weakling.

All of the above are important motivations and feelings that you are absolutely right to address using the proper supportive resources. Get all the facts before you decide.

 

...[the police officer discouraged me by saying] also my evidence is not police evidence, only documented at the doctors and by photos etc.

That sounds like it is a powerful argument but actually it's not. The prosecutors in Australia are fully capable of prosecuting cases that rely partially on evidence that has been gathered or developed by non-police. If the police get involved now they'll take what evidence you have now - your testimony, photos, witnesses etc. - and verify and extend it with interviews, document review, cell phone records, other facts etc. Par for the course, even the dullest policeman is capable of understanding it.

 

Even if a criminal prosecution does not go forward, you can consider a civil prosecution. It has a lower burden of proof and can get you financial compensation. See a personal injury lawyer about that for a free consultation. In this case, the perp's wealth tends to work mostly in your favor.....he could pay a big award so it will be easier to find a lawyer to work on contingency.

 

Regardless of how else you respond, do see a counselor to deal with your feelings - they are excellent about helping survivors move past the emotional trauma (with or without a trial of the perp, either way works.). Good luck, brighter days are ahead.

 

(*) If I want to punch my police officer boyfriend in the face, can I also get it rugswept on similar grounds? No f**ing way.

Edited November 20, 2016 by SoleMate

[Tayla]

Others gave you great advice on legal recourse and supportive avenues.

 

I had two relationships that ended in abuse.

#1: physical pounding. Charges pressed. Pled to lesser charge. He did rehab and never assaulted again. That was 29 yrs ago.

#2: gun aimed at head. Misfired. Went thru floor . No charges pressed. Walked out with poor hearing in left ear, black eye, and to this day, no respect for gun owners that use a gun to intimidate and escalate violence. Domestic violence twisted into homestead defense.mind boggling.

 

I seriously had to lay claim for my poor behavior too. I needed to be more mindful of my part in the altercations. I no longer stay or feed the frenzy. Both lives deserve more time outs then lights out.

[Bronze]

Thank you sole mate and tayla

 

I think I will call a domestic violence hotline and see what they say. Thank you for suggesting it. I agree that the police officer shouldn't have discouraged me so much, however, in his mind he was being 'realistic' about what the likely outcomes would be.

 

This mans wealth - I don't really want money from him - my driving force is to make him see his violence is wrong and that he can't get away with it. That some women (and I doubt I'm the first or the last with him) WILL stand up to him. He is very intimidating, to say the very least. I think most MEN would back down to him. So I can't see myself mounting a civil case against him if a police prosecution doesn't work. Again, there is a part of me that quails at doing this because he will accuse me of being 'opportunistic' and just out for his money and I tried to prove so much during that relationship that I was not. I seemed to spend most of that relationship trying to prove to him that I wasn't all the things he thought I was. He is a truly screwed up human being who thinks the worst of every human being in the world. I guess what's inside of him can't be all that great, if he projects so much evil out onto everyone around him. But I will definitely talk to a domestic violence counsellor and see what they have to say.

 

Tayla - I have thought about my side of things and it really doesn't matter what I did - I didn't deserve to get beaten up. This man was psychotic. He thought everyone in the world, men and women, were trying to chat me up constantly, from shop girls, taxi drivers, waiters. He saw me talking to a business man. My part in this relationship and why it ended in violence was that I DELIBERATELY and knowingly ignored red flags, thinking that the more he got to know the REAL me, he would see that his fears were not real. I saw plenty of red flags and even broke up with him a few times prior to this event - I let my heart over rule my head. That is something I won't be doing again in a hurry.

[Tayla]

My sincere apologies if my post inferred in anyway that you were at fault.

That was not my intent or overall mssg to convey.

My scenario deserved a different set of circumstances... Yours clearly was more about his control and abuse. Sorry you had to be his object of harm.. Sincerely