expressing desire to hurt me when angry..

[eightynine]

My partner and I are quite committed. Own a home together, have a new child. So I don't ask this lightly.

 

We've been together about 2.5 years. 3 months into our relationship, he cheated on me. I sensed something wasn't right for awhile. About 5 months into it, I questioned him a couple of times and eventually he admitted that he cheated with a FWB type that he'd seen on and off for years. He says although she's had feelings for him in the past it was only ever sexual for him and he didn't have romantic feelings for this person. He's smart, intellectual etc. and she's sort of the opposite, so I always got the feeling this was probably true. He said it was once after we were 'official' and admitted to sleeping with her while he and I were dating too (I was dating others so I guess that part isn't a huge deal, but I'm not dumb enough to think it was only once since we became an official couple).

 

He told me he wanted to be with me but would understand if I wanted nothing to do with him. I decided to stay with him, after giving it some thought. I'm not going to get in to why because 1) i'm not exactly sure. we were a great match, and always have been in many ways, but that doesn't really matter when you're betrayed and 2) I can't change that decision now.

 

Basically I agreed to stay as long as he was completely transparent and I had access to everything and anything and he was willing to provide proof of his whereabouts any time. He agreed, very willingly. The lengths we went to were pretty extensive; of course i had his passwords and we both had phone GPS on & all that easy stuff, but we also put a motion-sensitive camera in front of his door so I could feel comfortable knowing no one was coming in or out. I had keys to his place and would randomly stop in really late now and then. He never had issue with any of this. He wanted to do what made me comfortable and that was one thing that appeared to be the truth.

 

Eventually we bought a home together, which eliminated my fears about where he was at night. He's home when he should be, i always know where he is and nothing fishy has happened in that sense. he doesn't really have buddies he sees anymore, so he is never out late or anything like that. But I still don't trust him. It is less because I think he's still cheating on me (although I would say it's possible) and more because I just can't let go of what happened and the shame and pain it caused me. I admit that part of this problem is me-- I haven't worked through this very well. Periodically I'll find some little thing that worries me and ask about about it. Whereas he used to be very tolerant of this, he absolutely cannot tolerate me questioning him anymore. He cannot take any sign of mistrust from me. He has done a 180; for about a year after i found out about the cheating he'd answer any question I had willingly and calmly and without getting angry. That was a big reason I stayed despite the cheating. that has MAJORLY changed.

 

Now when I feel worried or anxious it turns into big fights. I just want him to respond to my questions and fears, and he'll give me an explanation, but it makes him very, very angry that i still don't trust him. He screams or raises his voice even though I always beg him not to do that (we have tenants; it's embarrassing, and for obvious reasons I dislike being yelled at). He mocks my worries and condescends me. Sometimes he calls me a C*nt or other pretty terrible names. I am generally calm during all this but it usually won't stop his name calling or yelling.

 

Worst of all, he has begun making scary, threatening statements in his anger. Tonight he clenched his fists and said "I want crush your skull." A couple of months ago he said something similar while putting his fists close to my face. After he insisted he was not threatening to punch me, just clenching his fists in anger, but to me it was clear that he purposefully put them near my face.

 

Of course he profusely apologizes after all this and has agreed to go to anger management/to see a therapist many times. He will look up people in his insurance network and tell me about them, but i always let it go. i never push him to get help.

 

He has never actually hit, pushed, or been physical with me in any way. But tonight was the first night I felt truly scared of him. Frankly, I can be aggressive when angry. And for this reason, I know people say and do things they don't mean in anger and even make threats they'd never follow through with. But he didn't say "I want to punch you"; he said "I want to crush your skull." This is a major distinction to me because that seems like a very extreme level of anger-- to even say words like that. He left the room and left the house after that. Before he left he was looking for his car keys and I heard him sort of chanting quietly "it's always something with you. it's always something" but it was like he was talking to himself, he was repeating it over and over. It's hard to convey here, but it was creepy.

 

I guess my question is, am I safe in this relationship? Most of the responses I'll get will be to leave, but as I own a home and have a child with this person, that's probably not what I'm going to do right now. I will fight for this because I've invested so much and because, aside from these fights, it is the best relationship of my life. I have had a problem with these instances of rage for several months but never believed he would ever actually cause me physical harm. Now I am questioning that and I'm looking for opinions about it.

Edited September 11, 2016 by eightynine

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess my question is, am I safe in this relationship? Most of the responses I'll get will be to leave, but as I own a home and have a child with this person, that's probably not what I'm going to do right now. I will fight for this because I've invested so much and because, aside from these fights, it is the best relationship of my life. But if I could really be in physical danger with this person then I will have to reevaluate everything.

 

Well, guess I'll be the first to say it - you should consider leaving. By most technical definitions, you are already experiencing domestic violence:

 

Psychological - Elements include—but are not limited to—causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

 

Been with my wife for 30 years, we've had plenty of fights. Never have we threatened each other in this way, it's obviously crossing the line...

 

Mr. Lucky

[eightynine]

Well, guess I'll be the first to say it - you should consider leaving. By most technical definitions, you are already experiencing domestic violence:

 

Psychological - Elements include—but are not limited to—causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

 

Been with my wife for 30 years, we've had plenty of fights. Never have we threatened each other in this way, it's obviously crossing the line...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My parents have also been together about 30 years, and from my point of view have had very rough patches in their marriage. Lots and lots of bickering and resentment at times. And I remember their fights as a child. While they upset me, I can't remember them ever even name calling, let alone making such violent statements toward one another.

 

So yes. I see your point.

 

It's so hard to understand how my best friend could say this to me. especially in response to me calmly and quietly asking about something that worries me. I have an anxiety disorder, and he knows this. It hurts so much that the person closest to me would say such scary things to me.

Edited September 11, 2016 by eightynine

[MJJean]

My belief is that buying a house and/or having a child without being married is a foolish thing to do. In this case, not being married is a good thing. It makes leaving an abusive man who cheated much easier.

 

Seriously, leave. Now. While you only have a few years and whatever you contributed toward the house invested. Tell him it's over, get a lawyer, arrange custody and child support, either sell the house and split the proceeds or one of you buy the other out, and maybe find a better man next time round.

[elaine567]

The truth about cheating as you are finding out is that is is not something you just get over.

Unfortunately instead of doing IC and MC for months/years like married couples do, to get to the root of the problem and mend your relationship, you took a short cut. You locked your bf down so he couldn't move.

By buying a house together and having a child, you attempted to make it all right again...

He must love you if he was willing to do that

BUT he now realises he is caught like a rat in a trap and he hates you for it, hence the fighting.

 

Like many cheaters he has no comprehension of what he actually did to you. He cannot believe you are not "just over it" yet, and it angers him. He hates to feel guilty and bad about something he did. He feels he paid his dues and you should be all nice and normal to him again.

Only you can't, as you, like all the betrayed, are nursing a big raw wound deep inside.

 

Another reason for his anger may be that he is actually cheating again and he doesn't like the restrictions you put on him.

Storming out of the house in a temper after a usually contrived argument can be a great excuse to get out to see the OW. It is a tactic often used by cheaters.

By threatening you with violence you are hardly going to follow him to see where he is going, are you?

 

Like the other posters have said - leave. He is a loose cannon, you do not know what is going on in his head. YOU cannot take the risk with your life and that of your child.

YOU may think he is "your best friend", but true best friends do not threaten each other with such violence,

HE IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND, he may have been in the past, but he is no longer, you have to see that.

[eightynine]

The truth about cheating as you are finding out is that is is not something you just get over.

Unfortunately instead of doing IC and MC for months/years like married couples do, to get to the root of the problem and mend your relationship, you took a short cut. You locked your bf down so he couldn't move.

By buying a house together and having a child, you attempted to make it all right again...

He must love you if he was willing to do that

BUT he now realises he is caught like a rat in a trap and he hates you for it, hence the fighting.

 

Like many cheaters he has no comprehension of what he actually did to you. He cannot believe you are not "just over it" yet, and it angers him. He hates to feel guilty and bad about something he did. He feels he paid his dues and you should be all nice and normal to him again.

Only you can't, as you, like all the betrayed, are nursing a big raw wound deep inside.

 

Another reason for his anger may be that he is actually cheating again and he doesn't like the restrictions you put on him.

Storming out of the house in a temper after a usually contrived argument can be a great excuse to get out to see the OW. It is a tactic often used by cheaters.

By threatening you with violence you are hardly going to follow him to see where he is going, are you?

 

Like the other posters have said - leave. He is a loose cannon, you do not know what is going on in his head. YOU cannot take the risk with your life and that of your child.

YOU may think he is "your best friend", but true best friends do not threaten each other with such violence,

HE IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND, he may have been in the past, but he is no longer, you have to see that.

 

I really liked and agreed with your post, except I think the end missed a valid point. Not just for myself but for anyone in a troubled relationship. You can't just invalidate Everything positive and say he's not my best friend. He is. We share everything all day every day with one another. We spent the day of this fight chatting and laughing and cooking. Does this closeness just mean I should stay with him no matter what? NO, I know it doesn't. But it's not all bad, in fact it's mostly good and even though the bad is really bad, it's just not that easy to leave the person you're closest to. If it were , everyone would be in healthy relationships.

 

He slept in his car in the driveway last night. I also was worried about where he was going but it seems he just moved his car from the street to our driveway. I think his absolute rage could be a sign he is cheating though also. I understand frustration he'd feel if he's not doing anything, I do. But to get THAT mad. THAT quick. I wonder if it's a way to distract me. The only place he could be cheating is at work or during work hours somehow. I wasn't trying to lock him down. I just couldn't be with him without compete reassurance. But we did everything we could think of and I'm still not reassured and he no longer seems to care about that.

 

I don't know what to say to him when he comes in today. He left his phone in the house or I'm sure I would've tried to contact him. He will say he understands how wrong he was and he will admit to being abhsive... But then he'll just do the same thing again when I get paranoid about something in a couple weeks. He seems to have no control whatsoever on his rage. It is scary. There's no fixing this.

[elaine567]

I really liked and agreed with your post, except I think the end missed a valid point. Not just for myself but for anyone in a troubled relationship. You can't just invalidate Everything positive and say he's not my best friend. He is. We share everything all day every day with one another. We spent the day of this fight chatting and laughing and cooking. Does this closeness just mean I should stay with him no matter what? NO, I know it doesn't. But it's not all bad, in fact it's mostly good and even though the bad is really bad, it's just not that easy to leave the person you're closest to. If it were , everyone would be in healthy relationships.

 

...He seems to have no control whatsoever on his rage. It is scary. There's no fixing this.

 

eightynine

The huge problem with abusers and it is why so many stay in terrible relationships, is that the abuser is rarely an abuser 24/7.

They can be fun, they can be loving, charming, kind and wonderful too, but it is the fact they can often turn on a sixpence, that makes loving them and living with them hell.

YOU are persuading yourself that the best bits are who he really is, that the best bits are really what your relationship is all about, when it is actually the abuse that defines this relationship.

 

Most abusers are well aware of what they do, their "rage" is often well in control, until they decide to turn it on you.

They want YOU to feel bad, they want YOU to hurt and to cry as that makes THEM feel better.

That is why I suggest he is not your best friend, best friends want the best for you, they do not want to see you upset.

 

When was the last time your best friend called you "a C__ or other pretty terrible names" in anger, or said he/she wanted to punch you and crush your skull?

I guess they would not be your best friend for very much longer if they did, so why put up with it from a guy who is supposed to love and cherish you...

[MJJean]

Children are very perceptive and much more aware and affected than adults often realize.

Your relationship is your child's example of how adult romantic relationships work. Your child will very likely grow up to emulate the behavior you and your BF model. If you won't leave for yourself, leave so that your child doesn't grow up to be either an abuser or a victim.

Edited September 11, 2016 by MJJean

[losangelena]

Why, when he offers to go get therapy and anger management, do you back down? He is offering to get help for this—let him do it!

 

Not to get all armchair psychologist on you, but you two sound codependent. I say this because your dynamic sounds very similar to one I had ten years ago. He never threatened harm, but he could get nasty. I could never conceive of leaving either, because he was my "best friend," too. When things were good they were SOOO good.

 

Anyway, don't back down the next time he cries about getting help. Push him out the door.

[spiderowl]

It doesn't sound safe to me. You can't say what you want to to him without feeling threatened.

 

Whatever happened in the past, it sounds like you put him under quite extreme scrutiny. I do not think this justifies his behaviour, but again it sounds extreme. If you didn't trust the guy, it would have been better not to stay in a relationship with him.

 

Whether the pressure of scrutiny has built up into something extreme or whether he would have gone this way anyway, I don't know, but people who have anger problems are a concern. Yes, I think there is a real risk he would carry it out.

 

Why haven't you pressured him to seek help for his anger? Is it because you are afraid of him?

 

In your position, I would be looking for a safe way out of this relationship. I know it is extremely difficult when you have a child, property in common, share a home and have joint finances. The threats made sound explicit and driven by great anger. If he is not seeking help for his anger problems, then I do think you have cause to be fearful.

[Downtown]

He screams or raises his voice.... He mocks my worries and condescends me. Sometimes he calls me a C*nt or other pretty terrible names.... He has begun making scary, threatening statements in his anger.

EightyNine, I agree with the other respondents that it is time to insist that your partner see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what is causing his anger issues. The behaviors you describe are warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) estimates that the lifetime incidence of IED is 5% to 7% of the population and the prevalence in any one year is 3% to 4%. The behavioral symptoms for this disorder are described at Mayo Clinic, IED. The treatment for IED is described at Harvard Mental Health.

 

Significantly, if he really does exhibit strong IED symptoms, you should be seeing intense rages that typically last 30 minutes. Moreover, you should not be the only person who is able to trigger his rage. I therefore ask whether he has shown anger issues at other people (e.g., at another driver while driving) -- or at pets? A psychologist will consider IED to be relevant only if he can rule out other causes like drug abuse, head injury, or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention BPD only as a possibility, not a likelihood. Indeed, you are NOT describing a pattern of BPD warning signs. If you nonetheless would like to take a quick look at BPD red flags, I list them at 18 BPD Warning Signs.

 

I caution that learning to spot these IED warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your partner's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for IED may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance and treatment. Take care, EightyNine.

[Arieswoman]

eightynine,

 

Worst of all, he has begun making scary, threatening statements in his anger. Tonight he clenched his fists and said "I want crush your skull." A couple of months ago he said something similar while putting his fists close to my face. After he insisted he was not threatening to punch me, just clenching his fists in anger, but to me it was clear that he purposefully put them near my face.

 

Please get out of this relationship now, before you become another statistic.

 

Domestic violence - the facts | Refuge

[mikeylo]

You could end up in hospital. And I'm not saying this lightly. Take protective action, now.

[Redhead14]

My partner and I are quite committed. Own a home together, have a new child. So I don't ask this lightly.

 

We've been together about 2.5 years. 3 months into our relationship, he cheated on me. I sensed something wasn't right for awhile. About 5 months into it, I questioned him a couple of times and eventually he admitted that he cheated with a FWB type that he'd seen on and off for years. He says although she's had feelings for him in the past it was only ever sexual for him and he didn't have romantic feelings for this person. He's smart, intellectual etc. and she's sort of the opposite, so I always got the feeling this was probably true. He said it was once after we were 'official' and admitted to sleeping with her while he and I were dating too (I was dating others so I guess that part isn't a huge deal, but I'm not dumb enough to think it was only once since we became an official couple).

 

He told me he wanted to be with me but would understand if I wanted nothing to do with him. I decided to stay with him, after giving it some thought. I'm not going to get in to why because 1) i'm not exactly sure. we were a great match, and always have been in many ways, but that doesn't really matter when you're betrayed and 2) I can't change that decision now.

 

Basically I agreed to stay as long as he was completely transparent and I had access to everything and anything and he was willing to provide proof of his whereabouts any time. He agreed, very willingly. The lengths we went to were pretty extensive; of course i had his passwords and we both had phone GPS on & all that easy stuff, but we also put a motion-sensitive camera in front of his door so I could feel comfortable knowing no one was coming in or out. I had keys to his place and would randomly stop in really late now and then. He never had issue with any of this. He wanted to do what made me comfortable and that was one thing that appeared to be the truth.

 

Eventually we bought a home together, which eliminated my fears about where he was at night. He's home when he should be, i always know where he is and nothing fishy has happened in that sense. he doesn't really have buddies he sees anymore, so he is never out late or anything like that. But I still don't trust him. It is less because I think he's still cheating on me (although I would say it's possible) and more because I just can't let go of what happened and the shame and pain it caused me. I admit that part of this problem is me-- I haven't worked through this very well. Periodically I'll find some little thing that worries me and ask about about it. Whereas he used to be very tolerant of this, he absolutely cannot tolerate me questioning him anymore. He cannot take any sign of mistrust from me. He has done a 180; for about a year after i found out about the cheating he'd answer any question I had willingly and calmly and without getting angry. That was a big reason I stayed despite the cheating. that has MAJORLY changed.

 

Now when I feel worried or anxious it turns into big fights. I just want him to respond to my questions and fears, and he'll give me an explanation, but it makes him very, very angry that i still don't trust him. He screams or raises his voice even though I always beg him not to do that (we have tenants; it's embarrassing, and for obvious reasons I dislike being yelled at). He mocks my worries and condescends me. Sometimes he calls me a C*nt or other pretty terrible names. I am generally calm during all this but it usually won't stop his name calling or yelling.

 

Worst of all, he has begun making scary, threatening statements in his anger. Tonight he clenched his fists and said "I want crush your skull." A couple of months ago he said something similar while putting his fists close to my face. After he insisted he was not threatening to punch me, just clenching his fists in anger, but to me it was clear that he purposefully put them near my face.

 

Of course he profusely apologizes after all this and has agreed to go to anger management/to see a therapist many times. He will look up people in his insurance network and tell me about them, but i always let it go. i never push him to get help.

 

He has never actually hit, pushed, or been physical with me in any way. But tonight was the first night I felt truly scared of him. Frankly, I can be aggressive when angry. And for this reason, I know people say and do things they don't mean in anger and even make threats they'd never follow through with. But he didn't say "I want to punch you"; he said "I want to crush your skull." This is a major distinction to me because that seems like a very extreme level of anger-- to even say words like that. He left the room and left the house after that. Before he left he was looking for his car keys and I heard him sort of chanting quietly "it's always something with you. it's always something" but it was like he was talking to himself, he was repeating it over and over. It's hard to convey here, but it was creepy.

 

I guess my question is, am I safe in this relationship? Most of the responses I'll get will be to leave, but as I own a home and have a child with this person, that's probably not what I'm going to do right now. I will fight for this because I've invested so much and because, aside from these fights, it is the best relationship of my life. I have had a problem with these instances of rage for several months but never believed he would ever actually cause me physical harm. Now I am questioning that and I'm looking for opinions about it.

 

am I safe in this relationship? -- There is no way to crystal-ball about this. For the sake of you and your children, I would err on the side of caution and leave the home until he actually starts going to counseling and demonstrating a serious and dedicated effort to get things under control and clearly demonstrates that he understands how this affects you and his family.

 

If someone has an inability to control their anger and allows it to get to the point of raging, you must assume that they have the capacity to go farther rage.

 

Just about every woman who gets physically injured by their partner for the first time, says "I didn't think he could ever do something like that . . . "

[jen1447]

I guess my question is, am I safe in this relationship? Most of the responses I'll get will be to leave, but as I own a home and have a child with this person, that's probably not what I'm going to do right now. I will fight for this because I've invested so much and because, aside from these fights, it is the best relationship of my life. I have had a problem with these instances of rage for several months but never believed he would ever actually cause me physical harm. Now I am questioning that and I'm looking for opinions about it.

 

No, not safe. Most everyone loses their temper once in a while but if he has a pattern of acting out out to the point of shaking a fist in your face, that's too far over the line and you can't consider it a safe situation.

 

Given that, the "fight for this" angle is moot - fight for a relationship on a trajectory to turn into physical abuse? That's nothing to fight for, and that's the question you have to answer before you get to what you've invested and what you'd stand to lose and all that.

[elaine567]

A very new baby and a man with serious anger issues doesn't bear thinking about.

[turnera]

One, you should be getting personal therapy yourself to work out your own low self esteem issues. Once you fix that, you can fix the relationship in some way - either through leaving or through demanding that HE get fixed or he leaves.

 

Two, you absolutely should be demanding that he attend anger management as WELL as personal therapy. It's possible he's a good guy who simply doesn't know how to control it and fix it, but you'll never know if you don't force him to go.

 

Three, you guys are past the 'honeymoon phase,' during which the PEA chemicals in your brains convince you that you're in love and can't live without the other person. Now, without the 'high' of the chemicals, you have to figure out if you LIKE each other enough to stay together; that's why he's fed up with your insecurity. Before, it was worth it.

 

Four, I told my H 40 years ago if he ever used the "C" word on me I would leave immediately because it means HATE, and I meant it. The fact that you could stay after he calls you that tells me you need serious work on your self esteem.

 

Five, your child, if you stay and nothing changes, will grow up to be an abuser, to be an abuse victim, or even physically HURT by him. We grow up to be what we see in our own household.

[BaileyB]

If he threatens physical violence - believe him.

 

This is not a safe environment for your child. It's not a safe environment for you. I think you know that, in your heart. Do what you need to do to be safe.

 

Do what you need to do such that your child doesn't grow up to learn that a man is allowed to be abusive toward a woman. Do what you need to do so that your child will learn about the strength of character required to value yourself such that you will not stay with a man who abuses you. Do what you need to do such that your child doesn't learn that an abusive, dysfunctional relationship is "normal" and carry that with them into every relationship they have in the future.

 

I know that you share a house and child and it's hard to leave. But, best to do that now then for you and your child to live in fear and let him threaten your health and safety for years...

 

And yes, very good point made... Abusers are not abusers 24/7. Don't be fooled because you remember the "good times" or because he does something kind for you. This man is not who you hoped and wanted him to be. It will not change. This will only get worse.

 

Be safe!

[anna121]

The best answer to your question "Am I safe in this relationship?" can be found in your own feelings. Which, as expressed in your initial post, are NO. You do not.

 

That, in the end, is all that really matters. It is almost besides the point that what you have described ALSO goes way beyond the boundaries of what pretty much everyone posting, so far, considers acceptable behaviour. The fact is, he makes you FEEL unsafe.

 

That is not normal in an intimate relationship and it should be serious grounds to consider ending it. As you are not prepared to do that, you must consider how to best protect your welfare given that you are in a relationship where, by your own admission, you do not FEEL safe, and where, by any reasonable standard, you are in fact NOT safe.