Is he a narc? I can't cope with these feelings :/

[Stella88]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm so happy having found this forum. I am going through a pretty rough time after my break up and it just doesn't seem to get better. I'm not sure if there is something wrong with him or with me or with both of us but my feelings are not normal. I also want to apologise for my English, it's not my first language but I try my best.

 

My ex-boyfriend was chasing me for almost a year. I liked him but I always just saw him as a friend. He was very affectionate and we became quite close friends. One evening, while we were watching a movie, he grabbed me and kissed me, he lied on top of me and I had to fight to get him away from me. It was quite uncomfortable as I didn't want to humiliate him. We actually had a fight and it was only after his roommate came home that I could get away from him. I was very confused after this evening and contacted him two days later. He acted like nothing has happened but the next time I saw him, he tried the same thing again. I then decided to give him a chance as I thought he is so in love with me at least he will never hurt me.

 

The first few months were just amazing, we saw each other often and he was very affectionate. After three months I went overseas for two weeks and when I came back nothing was the same. He barely at time for me and when we got to see each other he seemed bored. It got worse and worse but at that stage I was so in love with him I didn't had the strength to walk away (I also haven't dated that often so I was not aware of these signs). I tried to get hold of him but he always told me that he is busy but then I saw pictures on facebook of him partying and I got really mad. I was so mad that I unfriended him on facebook. He immediately texted the next day (he hasn't texted me in month before that). He just asked me if I'm ok. I didn't reply but the next day I texted him how mad I was. He apologised and said that he wants to see me. I was so relieved but then after a minute he texted me: I just saw that you unfriended me on facebook. Awesome, you know what you got it, it's done!! I was so in shock and tired to apologise but he didn't talk to me anymore. He gave me the silent treatment for more than a week. After a week I told him that he is childish and that I haven't done anything wrong but I shouldn't have apologised. I also told him that I don't want to see him anymore.

 

He replied the next day saying that this is not what he wanted and that he needed to think about his feelings. He asked me to come over to his place after work. As he was working as a waiter I got to his place quite late. He immediately kissed and hugged me but after he slept with me he told me that he doesn't care about me. He told me that I misunderstood something and that he doesn't care about me. Even worse, he told me to go home. It was after midnight and I felt so humiliated. I begged him not to do that to me but he was just like, common leave. I felt so humiliated so used but I finally got it, I have to let go. I texted him that this was it. He then again said, oh that's so sad, you are so rude for not giving me time to think about my feelings.

A couple of weeks later he saw me in a club. It was our end of semester party. I didn't pay attention to him but I saw that he was there with a girl. His friend started to hit on my that night and that was a good ego push. And of course the next day he texted me saying that he misses me. I didn't react but a day later he had a profile picture on facebook of him and a girl. I knew the girl, she is a party girl who at the same time talks as if she knows everything better and is the brightest girl on the planet. She is very nice to men but cold to female. She has also dated my ex's best friend. So when I saw this picture I was quite shocked and texted my ex. He asked me what I wanted and when I said that he wanted to talk to me a day before he said he misses me. He then said that whatever he said doesn't matter anymore. Eventually we agreed on seeing each other later today. He made me come over to his place but I was not allowed to ring the bell, I had to text him and he brought me to a communal balcony of his apartment complex (which is always empty). He immediately touched me and tried to sleep with me. I didn't allow that to happen but I didn't dare to ask about the girl. We agreed on seeing each other again but a few weeks later a friend of his approached me saying that he has a gf. It was this girl... his friend showed me the chat conversation he had with my ex and it was like a knife going through my heart. He told his friend how in love he is with this girl and how she has changed his life.

 

He never talked to me in person anymore. I only got lazy excuses and the worst was him saying 'unfortunately you crossed the line between friends with benefits and love'. He told me also how he wants to change and that he will never treat her the way he treated me. And he has kept his promise. They have been together for over 2years now and he just adores her. His entire life just turns around her. I know I have contributed to this situation by being so co-dependent. However, does he have a personality disorder as well or is he just a player?

 

Thank you for your help xx

Edited August 26, 2016 by Stella88

[Fruitee]

He tried to rape you and you decided to date him? And now you wonder whats wrong with him or you and why youre not able to move on?

 

I dont know if he has personality disorder but someone who dont take no for an answer is not well. And someone who thinks saying no is humiliating for guy is not quite allright either.

 

You need to go to therapy and work on your self-esteem. You need to forget this dude and concentrate on yourself. Do things that make you feel good and practise walking away and saying no. It is your body and your life.

 

Who gives a **** if the guy feels humiliated??

 

Moving on.

 

Dunno why you still after 2 years stalk this dude or are in contact with him. And why you only now seek help.

 

Mute block delete this guys 100 % from your life. Forget this new woman.

 

Do your own thing. Good luck.

[Arieswoman]

Stella88,

 

I didn't read any further than this ;

 

One evening, while we were watching a movie, he grabbed me and kissed me, he lied on top of me and I had to fight to get him away from me. It was quite uncomfortable as I didn't want to humiliate him. We actually had a fight and it was only after his roommate came home that I could get away from him. I was very confused after this evening and contacted him two days later. He acted like nothing has happened but the next time I saw him, he tried the same thing again. I then decided to give him a chance as I thought he is so in love with me at least he will never hurt me.

 

This shows there is some very muddled thinking on your part.

 

You have interpreted his attempted rape of you as being "in love" with you. This is very dangerous thinking.

 

Please, please, - and I say this kindly - get yourself into some therapy asap.

 

You are putting yourself at risk, and you need to do something about this before you get physically hurt.

 

Good luck. x

[turnera]

Please find a good therapist and start going and figure out what in your childhood got you to this point. Start working on self esteem first.

[Zahara]

Regardless of whether he has a personality disorder or not, it has no bearing on your own mental health whereby you relate rape to love. Red flag. Instead of focusing on what he is, best to focus on your own mental and emotional stability in that you would choose to pursue a relationship with someone like him.

 

If he is a narc -- the situation remains the same. If he isn't a narc, situation still remains the same. The question is, what's going on with you?

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with all of the posters on this thread, but just a point of order:

 

 

Back in the day, a "narc" was either a narcotics officer or a rat/informer, especially those to reported to narcotics officers. What does narc mean now?

[Arieswoman]

GT

 

What does narc mean now?

 

A narcissist

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry you've had this experience. Now is a very good time to learn from it.

 

Yes, he's a player with a disorder of some kind. He will just try to manipulate you as and when he wants a bit of casual sex. If you find someone else or seem happy without him, he will try to get in with you again to prove to himself that he has got control of you. The best thing you can do now is to move on, find a new boyfriend, and never communicate with this ex again. Unfriend him everywhere and refuse to let him back into your life in any way. He's just doing it for the ego boost. He does not care about your feelings.

 

You need a great guy who cares about you and treats you with respect. No decent guy would treat you like this. You need to draw the line with guys as to how you will be treated. They should make arrangements with you and keep them. They should take you out and treat you, not expect you to come running to them when they say so. They should always seek consent for any sexual act. What makes you think a guy will respect you if you do his bidding? You are your own person with your own needs and should be treated properly.

 

At some point, some girl is going to teach him a lesson and I hope it is soon. But for you, please do not look back at this creep. You are far more important than he is.

Edited August 30, 2016 by spiderowl

[anika99]

My guess is that he met this other girl while you were away for a couple of weeks and when you came back he was waffling between the two of you, spending the majority of his time with her but keeping you on the back burner. At some point he made the decision it would be her and not you.

 

I don't know what his mental condition is but he's clearly a jerk and a cheater. This really isn't about him though, it's more about you. You decided to date someone who assaulted you and then you kept offering yourself up to him to let him use you and mentally abuse you. Now it's two years on and you are still keeping tabs on him and his current relationship. Why do you even know how he treats his gf? If you can't get over this on your own then perhaps some therapy will help.