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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 23rd March 2017, 4:19 AM   #616
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I have noticed that my attitude change is working. I have been more open and social at work and it seems to be working. I feel like people are more responsive to me.

I am also 100 % over my ex. He texted me and I answered politely and thats it. I can be totally normal and no reaction whatsoever.

I feel like Im in good place mentally.

My family situation is stressing me but I can manage with it.

Two job interviews behind me and I am sending more applications every day. I am super motivated.
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Old 24th March 2017, 1:31 AM   #617
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I got invite for 3rd interview!!!!! Life is really taking a positive turn!
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Old 26th March 2017, 9:31 PM   #618
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So what happened?
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Old 28th March 2017, 2:39 PM   #619
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I havent got into interview for like 1 year or so and now I have had 3. Im waiting on results.
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Old 28th March 2017, 4:54 PM   #620
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I have this one kind of toxic friend but I think I am her only friend so I keep in touch with her. I havent seen her for ages but she sends me multiple whatsapp messages every day. About once a week she gets really mean to me. I guess I trigger something in her since I have worked so hard getting my **** together and she just complains. So today I was asking her to this event and she lost it again. I told her its quite impossible to talk to her because she cant or wont control her feelings and how she speaks to me. I then leveled with her and complained in similar manner back to her. And I actually noticed something.

1. I didnt want to complain.
2. My brain felt weird complaining.
3. It was actually bit of struggle to complain.
4. I had to in a way switch something in my brain to be able to complain.

I have now really taken this positive life changing attitude so fully that it was almost impossible for me to complain.

I told my bff that I dont want to complain during March and it hasnt been 100 % success but I think we have managed to talk better, more deeply and of more important things.

I have been able to neutralize myself towards other people complaining. It doesnt affect me. I can care and be compassionate but it doesnt affect my mood or drain me. Its their problem. Not mine. I cannot nor I need to solve it. I can offer support but thats it.

Also Im not losing sleep over stuff I cannot control. I do my job and Im best me that I can possibly be. But Im not stressing over nothing.

I have things I need to solve but Im being patient. Once I get my job all things will be better. Since I really do need the money.

Anyway. It was great realisation to understand I still have this depressed brain but I can in a way control it and switch if off and on. Its hard to explain. But it was like physical feeling in my head. It didnt feel good anymore or something I wanted to go back to.

I really see my life in better light now. I feel like I have a future.
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Old 29th March 2017, 10:46 AM   #621
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That's excellent awareness, fruitee. Good work. The more you feel in control, the happier you will be. Have you ever read about Buddhism? You might like it.
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Old 3rd April 2017, 6:10 AM   #622
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I have one acquaintance who is practising buddhism and also told me I might benefit from meditation.

I think I will look into it.

I am now on fire. I have applied for 6 new jobs and some summer classes and workshops etc.

One of my friends got mad at me and jealous because I talked to her bf. I felt so disrespected by her that I had to tell her its better we take a break. Since it was 100 % innocent and she blew it out on me instead of e.g. talking to her bf. I thought our friendship was more stable but apparently not. She was taking her own insecurities on me. And I would never think of her that way. Or treat her that way. I have never questioned her loyalty or morals.

Anyway I guess in time we will be able to fix our friendship but right now I have no energy to fix or concentrate on someone elses insecurities and trust issues..
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Old 7th April 2017, 11:58 PM   #623
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You'll notice that, as you mature and gain more wisdom, those friends from the past just may be poor choices for friends; i.e. dysfunctional friends you picked and gravitated toward when you, too, were dysfunctional. Start looking for new friends. But good job walking away from the dysfunction.
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Old 11th April 2017, 4:21 PM   #624
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^ Yes! I have been questioning plenty of people in my life. And I notice now faster if i should avoid someone. I feel like i have had more energy to do and think my own things now that i dont have to talk to her every day and listen to her complain. I feel better. More focused. Im more productive.
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Old 11th April 2017, 4:51 PM   #625
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this is going to seem sexual but its not so please dont take it that way....it has to do with sex sort of but its not the motivation of my happiness....im 47 and I didnt believe i had a g spot i thought my g spot was actually a scar because it was rough and quite large.....i thought my insides was one huge scar to tell the truth......i felt it.....scarred from the inside out...on here actually a post motivated me that and this whisper saying check ....when i started to feel bad about my scarred insides.... to find out what a g spot actually was..because my sexual life was always focused on the guy i was with anyway..i am a sub......makes me seem like a big kid that i didnt even know what it really was..... but anyways....i do definitely have one...its not a scar as i thought it was......its a big fat g spot....


and i dont know exactly but i felt....overjoyed.....overjoyed that im not a walking scar .....that even though i have been abused that hasnt changed wont forget..... and a gyno told me i had bad scarring......im not bad at all....im normal...maybe they healed and i dont have any scars now/.....i think it healed a little bit of brokenness in me.....and i felt ....almost free.....

and i am almost free.......i bought a car last year...and i havent been able to get it to my place for various reasons.......i felt this push like a really strong one to bring it to my place and start my driving life(never driven) and i did.....i have my first ever car her name is goldie she is beautiful......she is even gold..with butterfly mats on the inside....pink ones....so apt...i love butterflies....... and soon ill have a license ...i feel so motivated.....and almost free....little bit like a bird who has been working on her cage door for her whole life and about to fly away in the skies I have dreamed of.........i feel so strong.....and just from finding a spot that's not a scar....i feel quite beautiful...and that is quite a first...but im having moments where i feel glowing......this all probably seems stupid....but its honest and i wanted to share my happiness....im going to be able to travel my country i love and visit beautiful places and peoples.....and my daughter my youngest said i cant leave her behind she cries if i leave her here and go away......she is 17 btw ......she wants to come camping with me...she cant wait.....neither can i ...my oldest son we have plans...fishing.........im going to take him camping too.....and fishing...
my grand kids camping....promised my granddaughter.....marhsmallows at night over a fire......my oldest daughter.....too...i just see this beautiful road map unfolding piece by piece.....and my family is excited too...

my secodn oldest son though harrassed me and got quite aggressive because he wants my car...his has no rego.....and he sai dim supposed to eb all about family and i am selfish..and i sai dno i am not i have never in my life owned a car...how many have you had......is it my responsibility o rfault your car has no rego....anyway...h egav eup...because i actually said...no...deb said no.....lol...i stood up and said no even though he did make me feel selfish and like crap.....said i ddint think about his kids...and i adore them and love them...he said i should give him the car to drive.....i actually lied and said i didnt have the keys....but still that no he couldnt have my car...even though i cant drive it yet.....i did feel bad saying no...but he thrashes cars....
.i want to go gem searching and panning for gold ...shell collecting.....beachcombing......bushwalking...... and to my beach i can go anytime i want......i am going to fly......stickign to the speed limits of course....because i am going to be the best driver in australia......my sister says i will be able to be the best driver ...because when i am on the road...eveyroen else will nto want to be on the road...so...smilin...watch this sspace......debs driving adventures...in a few months......i dont think i have ever fetl as good as i do now or as strong........even though there is chaos ....there is always chaos around me .....i feel my wings...and they are huge.....too huge for a cage.....and too beautiful to be lost to abuse and scars of my past...deb
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in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 11th April 2017 at 5:08 PM..
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Old 17th April 2017, 6:40 AM   #626
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Bf and I are taking a break. I am sceptical though for us getting back together. I want a relationship and future. I dont think he is ready for things like that. No matter how slowly we were taking it. And its taking its toll on me and him. He has some things he need to figure out. And I need to rest and do my own things. It hurts. And he cares about me. I think he has been thinking about us and our future more than I have. E.g. moving in in the future etc. I dont know what to think. He is so sweet and lovely and beautiful and perfect. But his relationship anxiety and family issues are not easily fixed.

Right now I dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone.

I told him not to contact me unless he has seeked help and wants to get back together. Im so tired of being friends with everyone and listening to people complain.

Even at work. First I am asked to do something. Then when I deliver they just complain. Its so tiring. I am doing my job well.

Everyone tells me im so hard working, well read, smart, intellectual, beautiful, wonderful woman. I wish people would just let me be. I dont feel like that. I just want to be me. Myself. Do things I enjoy and that makes me happy.

Not listen to some crap all day long.
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Old 17th April 2017, 9:44 PM   #627
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Did I tell you about DD26? How she was always getting Users for friends? Always expecting her to do stuff for them, but never being there for her?

I told her to, in her next semester, not offer to do ANYTHING for ANYONE. Just offer to talk, nothing more. Those who just wanted her to be their support would wander away and look for other Giver friends; anyone who stayed around would be a better friend. And that's how she found the best friends she got in college. By restricting herself from doing the Giver things that attract Users.
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Old 18th April 2017, 12:35 AM   #628
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^ Yes I remember that. I noticed that when I stopped helping my friends with their problems they stopped talking to me. So it makes sense.

When I need someone to talk to they dont listen or talk about their own stuff.

Thing with bf is little bit different though. He is the one doing things for me. Cooking and cleaning and so on. Like if he comes to me and sees I have dirty coffee mug he washes it. He bought me flowers and easter eggs. But at the same time something is kind of holding him back. He already called how he misses me and so on. I told him that he needs to seek help for his anxiety attacks. That I cant help him or deal with it. He said he knows its hard and he wants to be better and has already looked for therapy groups.

I dont think he is bad guy. Even I am scared. But I manage ro control it. Usually.

I know I need new friends. But its not that easy though! I need to figure out how and from where to get some.
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Old 19th April 2017, 8:40 PM   #629
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Ok, so what you describe - him doing so much for you - is ALSO dysfunctional. You found a Giver, one who gets his self-worth through being the knight in shining armour, he gets off on you being pleased by all that he does for you.

Thing is, that is not sustainable.

There's a great book called No More Mr Nice Guy, which I urge many men to read. It's all about being that KISA, doing things. Thing is, when he DOES something, he is expecting some sort of return for it. Like, I'll buy her flowers; she'll give me crazy sex if I do it. He doesn't buy the flowers because he truly wants YOU to be happy; he buys them because he wants a RESPONSE from you for the action. That's not giving; that's selfish.

And eventually, he'll get burned out that you are not RECIPROCATING, and will make it all your fault.

There's another awesome book that's more general to men AND women, it's about how and why we pick the people we pick as partners. Again, it's because we EXPECT something from them. But they're usually doing the same thing with US. And after the newness has worn off, and we each start to realize the other isn't going to be our hero and fix all our problems, we start to become disillusioned, blame them, get angry at or fed up with them...and then break up. The book is called Getting The Love You Want. I highly recommend it.
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Old 19th April 2017, 8:43 PM   #630
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As for friends, just look for organizations for things that you like to do - book reading, tennis, painting, photography, writing, politics, religion...whatever. Spend your spare time doing things you love...and you'll meet men AND women who share the same joys as you.
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