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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 10th January 2016, 6:19 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
This is not exactly true, although it's mostly true. I grew up with a very loving family and was never abused. I was never even around an abusive person until I was in my late 30's. It's actually this lack of experience with abusers that was really my downfall. I didn't have the first clue about them. Things I saw in movies weren't real to me. I thought they were made-up characters. However, in a short span of time, I met two abusers. The first one I dated for about 3 weeks. The second one I spent more time with and married for a short time.

I kept thinking that it was the circumstances, or he was highly sensitive or exacting. I just didn't get who he was. I get it now and I can spot an abusers from 10 miles away. Lesson learned.
Same here, I also had a good family life with no abuse whatsoever.
It was in my early 40's that I first encountered an abusive type.
I met two, dated one for 5 weeks. The next one I dated for 7 months but made several attempts to break up over that time.
I also was clueless as to how these people operate.

Why Does He Do That is a great book but I also read several other books, many of them helped.

Like Bathtub I can now spot this type of guy pretty much straight away.

Knowledge is power so they say.
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Old 10th January 2016, 12:56 PM   #47
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That's great. I'm really happy for you. But I would politely advise you to please stop putting so much emphasis on one guy or another. I think it's great that you have met a good guy but please do not ever put yourself in the position where you are unable to leave a relationship, or that you have to be with someone in order to survive or be happy. Whether a man is by your side or not, you can be content with yourself, and self-sufficient.
I feel ya. My plan wasnt to start dating this soon. And I have lot of breaks on. I am also learning to be alone and being happy alone. I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and thinking a lot what has been going wrong. So now Im just taking things easy and going day by day.
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Old 10th January 2016, 12:57 PM   #48
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Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here.
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Old 10th January 2016, 5:32 PM   #49
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Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here.
I can tell you exactly what he's doing. He's playing another head game. He knows that human nature will make you feel drawn to him because it APPEARS that he's wishing you well and giving you your freedom. That's on the surface. Deep down, he's trying to play on your kind nature in order to draw you back in so that he can start up the insanity again, and destroy the relationship you have with the new guy.

Do you see how this works?

The best response to his stupid text is to reply something like this: "Thank you for your kind wishes. You're right, I do deserve the best. So please do not text me or contact me again because I will not reply. Best wishes."

Or, ignoring these idiots is another great way to respond without actually responding.
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Old 10th January 2016, 6:53 PM   #50
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Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here.
May I ask of you to entertain this Idea:

"What am I doing to minimize this contact and behavior?"

once you have the answers, put it into action.

This drama can be stopped. It starts with you.
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Old 11th January 2016, 1:02 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
I can tell you exactly what he's doing. He's playing another head game. He knows that human nature will make you feel drawn to him because it APPEARS that he's wishing you well and giving you your freedom. That's on the surface. Deep down, he's trying to play on your kind nature in order to draw you back in so that he can start up the insanity again, and destroy the relationship you have with the new guy.

Do you see how this works?

The best response to his stupid text is to reply something like this: "Thank you for your kind wishes. You're right, I do deserve the best. So please do not text me or contact me again because I will not reply. Best wishes."

Or, ignoring these idiots is another great way to respond without actually responding.
Yep this makes sense and now I understand. Normal person logic just doesnt work with him.. I answered that best wishes for you too and from now on I wont be answering him at all. Because all he does is play and lie. Luckily from this week starting I will be very busy and wont have that much time in my hands anymore.
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Old 11th January 2016, 3:22 AM   #52
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I love baggage reclaim. Why You?re Better Than Waiting Around For Someone To Make Up Their Mind or to Spontaneously Combust into Being Available | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

That is exactly what I was doing for the whole last year. Waiting for him to get his life together. And to really be with me. But now I understand I will be waiting for ever.
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Old 11th January 2016, 7:34 AM   #53
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May I ask of you to entertain this Idea:

"What am I doing to minimize this contact and behavior?"

once you have the answers, put it into action.

This drama can be stopped. It starts with you.
Now I am actually starting to see it too. After I wished him best like he did to me he started to threaten me again. So it is best for me not to say anything at all. Because whatever I say is "wrong" in his opinion and gives him the idea he can still control me. Took quite long for me to understand this..
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Old 11th January 2016, 7:49 AM   #54
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Why he is so mean and horrible to me? He is not that mean to his gf or other women..
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Old 11th January 2016, 8:23 AM   #55
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Why he is so mean and horrible to me? He is not that mean to his gf or other women..
*cough* *cough*

A few things.

1. He CHEATS! That's pretty darn mean!

2. You have no idea what other mind screws he does to others just because it isn't advertised to you.

3. He is probably really mean to whomever slips from his grasp. If you are pulling away and the others don't have the sense to, he'll do what he needs to do to heard you back into the harem. Whether your trigger is being threatened, ignored, lied to or sweet-talked. Abusers are pretty good at sniffing out what makes you come unglued the fastest. For me, sadly, it is having my character attacked and then being ignored. I start to fight back against that, but that only keeps me re-engaged. Then I feel shame when I get no response back. So then [abuser] gets to look like "forgiving hero" when he walks back in the door after I feel very low and unsure of myself.

Once I realized the cycle (learned in childhood) it broke.
I stopped getting defensive and ignored my abuser completely.

The last time I was abused the guy actually said to me. "I was WAITING for a long time for you to show up. I even thought I was going to get a ride and had to take transit!"

Enjoy the bus, friend. I found something better and more soothing to my self-esteem to do. Because I knew I didn't deserve that overreactive treatment. Especially from someone who didn't care enough about my feelings to not only attack them, but attack my overall worth as a person.
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Old 11th January 2016, 8:31 AM   #56
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I will definetly read that book.

Last year I thought I was going crazy. I couldnt understand what was going on. Now I feel like I can sleep and relax and think again.

For example when I found out about the pregnant gf he told me that he dont know this woman. Then he said he slept with her once and he dont know if the baby is his. Then he admitted that they dated one summer and slept with her because him and I were not exlusive yet. He never admitted to me that they were in relationship and if baby was planned or not. I found out the truth only after talking with her. Then he pretended like he didnt know me and kept telling me that he dont have gf and I have wrong number. After that he started to tell me again how he loves me and wants to be with me. That he understand what kind of bs situation he put me in. That he is sorry. That he was supposed to tell me about it but he got too deep. At the same time he told her he only wants to be with her. And only try with her. But I think all he has are words.
He denied his gf and HIS CHILD.

That is pretty mean! (And sick).

Seriously. So many abuse victims think something along the lines of "what is wrong with me that I get this treatment?"

That is totally backwards! It is "what the hell is so wrong with this guy that he treats ANYONE this way? And since I am not doing a PhD researching Arseholes, I won't be around to find out. Time to block his number."

Often we don't see the whole picture, so we just assume it's US. Because we think, "I can't imagine the crazy someone would have to put me through to get me to react that way, so I must be doing something wrong here."

No. No no no. Trust yourself a little more and him not at all.
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Old 11th January 2016, 8:36 AM   #57
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Why he is so mean and horrible to me? He is not that mean to his gf or other women..
Because you let him.
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Old 11th January 2016, 8:38 AM   #58
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I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.
It's kind of like an addiction because abusers are like a random-reward system. You never know who is going to show up: nice lovey-dovey intense guy, ignore you totally guy, spoil you rotten guy, or slap your face guy, or is he going to spend the day with his gf instead?

Some of the things he does are sort of overkill in the "fun" direction, so you think like "he must be so invested in me." But then he backpedals and blames you for whatever crappy behaviour. Or he's "so sadly sorry and broken" over his crap behaviour.

It's like an emotional buffet of SCREWED-UP. If you didn't have a calm childhood, then it ends up feeling like "home" to you in a sense.

Ugh. You can sort of "reprogram" it, but you have to be pretty dedicated to not wanting to feed in to the "highs and lows" for yourself. Once you compartmentalize it a bit and see the cycle for what it is, it isn't "random" or "fun" anymore. At best it becomes predictable and a headache.
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Old 11th January 2016, 8:41 AM   #59
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It's kind of like an addiction because abusers are like a random-reward system. You never know who is going to show up: nice lovey-dovey intense guy, ignore you totally guy, spoil you rotten guy, or slap your face guy, or is he going to spend the day with his gf instead?
Cycle of Abuse and Power Control Wheel | jchs
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Old 11th January 2016, 8:44 AM   #60
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Because you let him.
To a point, that is victim-blaming.

I get what you are trying to say, but in her position she's already over-invested and taking too much responsibility for this jerkoff's behaviour.

When I was being victimized in a situation that was in no way easy to extricate myself, it only caused me deep sgamr and the feelings of "I let this happen. I am responsible for it."

The truth is WHY he's visibly meaner to you bears little relevance. It's like asking "Why Ebola?" In the middle of an outbreak. I mean, sure it can be valuable knowledge, but more important is to stop the outbreak, save what you can of yourself and figure out ways to prevent an outbreak from happening again. Figuring out how it transmits and how to stop it etc is more important than how it originally formed way back millions of years ago or whatever. It could be of potential help, but not when you are lying on a slab having to have massive amounts of fluids pumped into you trying to keep you alive.
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