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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 16th September 2016, 3:58 PM   #496
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You're feeling anxious and angry because ldr is something you KNOW and you could be dipping back into that pool where you'd mentally be able to fade back into your old lifestyle. But now you ALSO know that doing that is BAD for you, so you're trying to already be at the point where you don't feel that pull. Changing your brain takes a long time. You've come a VERY long way in the short time you've come here, so don't be discouraged. Actually be proud of yourself that you DIDN'T just run back to him for the familiar comfort. I am.
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Old 18th September 2016, 4:22 AM   #497
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Guys there is possibility that I might have found someone who is a good guy. I had my two dates during this weekend. First guy shows up in tshirt and some weirdo sports pants. :S Is nice and cute. We talk and hang and have couple of drinks. He has his own company etc. But he has been single only 3 months and is going to therapy and he wants to have sex. So no go.

Second guy shows up in collar shirt and jeans. Is nervous for sure. We go to a movie and then to salsa club. He buys me drink. I offer to pay for next one but he declines. In movies we bought our own stuff but he did offer me his candies. Has been single 2 years. Own company. Has travelled the world. Didnt make any moves. We just danced for hours. Then end of evening he asked me when we meet again and kissed me after asking for permission. Didnt suggest anything but second date for next week.
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Old 18th September 2016, 11:23 PM   #498
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Door Number 2!

Sounds like a keeper, but DO keep it slow!
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Old 19th September 2016, 1:39 AM   #499
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Yes I am keeping it super slow. But so far he doesnt seems like a weirdo or perv. He did ask me to movies already yesterday. But I had school stuff to do. Saturday He suggested Thursday for another date.

He hasnt send me any weird sexual messages. He likes forrest gump and has very active life. Also said he would teach me salsa so we can attend classes together. But it didnt feel like he is rushing it. More like what friends would suggest.

I still need to find out if we have similar values etc.
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Old 19th September 2016, 6:27 AM   #500
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I kind of realised something important today. The ex of a man Im considering dating is also valuable factor. E.g. with that LDR guy his ex clearly had problems and had made some poor decisions in her life. So I guess that also says something about the men in her life. Ofc you cannot jugde someone solely by their ex but it does give some input.
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Old 19th September 2016, 11:56 AM   #501
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Just so you know, sending a woman sexual messages, unless you're in a long-term relationship, is not healthy. Men are supposed to respect women, not see them as sex toys. The next time a man does that, stop contact. You will never be seen as something to love and respect from a man like that.
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Old 19th September 2016, 1:46 PM   #502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers View Post
Thanks, I dropped off for a bit there. Had a baby at the end of April.
First of all congratulations! And welcome back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers View Post
I personally think when a woman calls you to tell you the truth about a man, it's a good thing. Not a bad thing.

The guy is usually the bad thing. That fits in this case.
I know. It was just kind of pointless since we had already broken up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
You're feeling anxious and angry because ldr is something you KNOW and you could be dipping back into that pool where you'd mentally be able to fade back into your old lifestyle. But now you ALSO know that doing that is BAD for you, so you're trying to already be at the point where you don't feel that pull. Changing your brain takes a long time. You've come a VERY long way in the short time you've come here, so don't be discouraged. Actually be proud of yourself that you DIDN'T just run back to him for the familiar comfort. I am.
Yes I know. And it makes sense too. I didn't really realise what type of affect he had on me. But your message really made me see the light. I didn't really understand my reaction to him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Just so you know, sending a woman sexual messages, unless you're in a long-term relationship, is not healthy. Men are supposed to respect women, not see them as sex toys. The next time a man does that, stop contact. You will never be seen as something to love and respect from a man like that.
Yes I kind of figured that out too. So it has been nice to talk to him and it looks like he really is trying to get to know me.

I just have bad habit of quitting way ahead. I mean sometimes it is good to open a bit and give the other person a chance. I don't mean when they send me sex messages. I mean I was already kind of ready to give up on this guy just because it took him couple of hours to answer me.
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Old 19th September 2016, 2:01 PM   #503
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So. LDR guy is leaving the country tomorrow. And today he asked me to meet him. I said yes. And no its not what you think.

We sat down over a cup of coffee. He tried to explain himself. Said he is sorry. Said he wanted closure. And all kinds of in a way pointless things. I do forgive him.

But it is also well known fact that we are not getting back together.

Nevertheless it was good to see him and actually talk to him.

I feel kind of like **** but at the same time good. Its hard to explain. I forgave him and we came to good terms. But he is moving to another continent.

I kind of understood at that point why all of this happened. In the back of his head we never really had a clear chance which led him to act the way he did and do the things he did. I guess he didn't really realise how he would fall for me and how I would fall for him.

I have no regrets because I did learn so much. And he helped me lot in a ways it is hard to explain to come to terms with myself and many things about myself.

He told me not to use him as measuring stick and think that all of guys are the same as he is. He also told me not be nasty to people. And find ways for myself to be happy.

For a moment when we were talking I felt like saying we should get back together. I also felt like leaving him there when he was talking. But I managed to control my emotions and reactions. Which is something I am very proud of myself.

I do feel sorry for him and his kid's mom. Because from couple of months on he won't be around for his kids. And based on her fb status she is not taking it well.

He told me he also talked to that "other woman" who wasn't receiving at all.

I guess he in a way wanted to end his life here and come to terms with it all. And leave it all behind.

If I had the same opportunity I would do the same. I understand him. I want to leave this country and all of these people behind me as well.

He said he has been thinking about going to therapy. And I told him he should be always honest to women and let them decide on if they wanna be with him or not.

He told me that if I am really into a guy or some is into me I shouldn't give such a long leash to him.

It felt good to go through it all face to face. I really do appreciate him to always take the time for me to explain and talk. Because business left unfinished is never healthy. At least he tried. Even he wasn't always succesful. Him and I are in a way very similar.

He just wasn't the right guy for me because he isn't ready and I don't know if he ever will be. His life and head is too messed up. But I could see in him as well that he is trying to be better. He said this has been one of the roughest years in his life. And maybe an year from now he will be able to learn and see what was the lesson of all of this.

I am not exactly sure how I feel about all of this.

I realised I have been still hang up on him and that's why I have been emotionally unavailable. I am not sure how my head will react to all of this later on. Like do I now really give a chance to another guy. Will I get back together with my ex of 6 years. Or will I move out of this country after I have finished my studies. I feel like he left with something. But also gave me something. I have this strange feeling our story is not 100 % done but I also feel like I can move on and that life is full of opportunities for me.

I have let go of the stain of my past.
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Old 19th September 2016, 2:29 PM   #504
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One other thing. One of my crazy ex's friends saw me in town friday and came and talked to me. I told him we are not friends and I dont even know him. And he was going on about what happened to me and so on. And how what my ex did to me has nothing to do with him and how he wanted to date me and so on. I told him that he is the same as they all were since he knew and said nothing. Then luckily this one guy came and asked if everything is okay and I said no this guy is bothering me. And then this guy stood there until my ex friend walked away. I tried to ignore him but he wouldnt leave me be even I asked him to. So I was so glad when this guy came and rescued me. When my ex friend asked him do we know each other he straight away said yes. Im glad to notice that there are still some decent guys around.
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Old 20th September 2016, 1:38 AM   #505
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Birds of a feather... (your ex and his friend, that is)
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Old 20th September 2016, 3:19 AM   #506
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^ Yes they are.

My crazt ex is still away. Which is good ofc. I hope he never comes back.
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Old 23rd September 2016, 4:16 AM   #507
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Okay so the 1st guy I had date with lets call him a hippie dude said he wants to meet again so I agreed. After this 2nd date he was talking how he wants to see where this is going but also said he has agreed to go on a date with someone else. So I wished him good luck.

The 2nd guy I had date with lets call him an IT guy kind of stood me up for our 2nd date. He informed me 2 hours prior that he cannot make it. So Im not going to bother with him anymore.

I am meeting 3rd guy today. So lets see what he has in his mind. There is a possibility that I will cancel though since Im feeling very tired.
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Old 24th September 2016, 7:09 AM   #508
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Eventually I didnt see that 3rd guy.

The hippie dude is all over the place texting me all kinds of weird stuff. Now he said we shouldnt continue.

That IT dude takes always like 12 hours to answer me and has so active life that I dont think he is really into me.

I am sure one of them wakes up later on to text me.

So last night I went out with my bff and we had fun. Some guys were trying to hitting on me but I rather came home with take away.

I did send message to this one guy I was talking to during summer and we had one date. Problem is he wants to have kids and isnt happy with his job.

Is it really that hard to find a guy?? Who has his life in order.
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Old 27th September 2016, 12:56 AM   #509
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Well, here's what I always tell people. If you want to find a hot guy to date, go to a club or go online.

If you want to find a great guy to date and maybe marry, forget about dating and start living your life. Take classes and meet guys in your classes. Join clubs and meet guys in those clubs. Sign up for events and meet people who share the same interests.

Become FRIENDS with guys and get to know the real people, and THEN see if any of them are worth dating. That way, you're not dating someone who's putting on a fake front to get into your pants. That way, you're seeing what they're really like and you can tell if you share similar interests and values.
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Old 27th September 2016, 1:29 AM   #510
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^ Yeah but most of the guys I meet like that are taken, not single.
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