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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 8th January 2016, 1:09 AM   #31
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Just think and remind yourself of all the women he has been sleeping with. Think of all of the inappropriate texts and phone calls he making. Other things that helped me get over my ex or at least not give into sleeping with him, what to remember that all the horrible stuff you went thru w him and all the times he made you cry... He's doing that EXACT same thing to another girl!! He hasn't changed and just be so thankful that that girl he's mistreating isn't you anymore. I used to feel so sad for the next woman my ex got with. She will hopefully learn her lesson down the road too. I did. And now I recognize abuse and flaky behavior and that I am so thankful for! I'm wiser!
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Old 8th January 2016, 1:32 AM   #32
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Just think and remind yourself of all the women he has been sleeping with. Think of all of the inappropriate texts and phone calls he making. Other things that helped me get over my ex or at least not give into sleeping with him, what to remember that all the horrible stuff you went thru w him and all the times he made you cry... He's doing that EXACT same thing to another girl!! He hasn't changed and just be so thankful that that girl he's mistreating isn't you anymore. I used to feel so sad for the next woman my ex got with. She will hopefully learn her lesson down the road too. I did. And now I recognize abuse and flaky behavior and that I am so thankful for! I'm wiser!
Yes and isn't it annoying us humans always have to learn the hard way!
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"Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other." - Carl Jung
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Old 8th January 2016, 3:13 AM   #33
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That's great you received positive responses from family and friends. Often when we suddenly open up to people it can be unexpected and shocking for them, which can prompt awkward or inappropriate responses from them. Their lack of understanding can further hurt us. They don't mean to hurt us though, they are just not equipped to handle it in an appropriate way.

Abuse in relationships is not a topic usually included in superficial, everyday conversation. Discussion of such topics by those who are suffering needs to occur in an exclusive, safe environment.
That is pretty much what happened to me. One was like why would you even think about getting back with him? Well Im not thinking about. Im scared of it. And other one totally misunderstood me and told me: dont worry. He is coming back. Try to relax and buy something nice.

People dont really understand this weakness inside of me towards him. And they think it is just easy to move on and ignore his i miss you and love you texts.

Actually to me more helpful has been talking to this new guy. Seeing what real good man and behaviour is.
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Old 8th January 2016, 4:54 AM   #34
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Just think and remind yourself of all the women he has been sleeping with. Think of all of the inappropriate texts and phone calls he making. Other things that helped me get over my ex or at least not give into sleeping with him, what to remember that all the horrible stuff you went thru w him and all the times he made you cry... He's doing that EXACT same thing to another girl!! He hasn't changed and just be so thankful that that girl he's mistreating isn't you anymore. I used to feel so sad for the next woman my ex got with. She will hopefully learn her lesson down the road too. I did. And now I recognize abuse and flaky behavior and that I am so thankful for! I'm wiser!
I have been doing that as well. When ever I feel very weak I go and look at that gf and baby photos. And think of all of the texts and photos I saw in his phone. He couldnt be even 1 month faitful to his gf. He straight away had another woman. He later dumped her and just ghosted her. During summer I saw she had still been in contact with him. Asking why he dont answer her calls and messages. Im not sure why she is still trying to contact him. But he broke her heart too and ruined her life too.

So what would happen to me? Same thing. I dont think he would be able to be faitful to me either..
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Old 8th January 2016, 7:27 AM   #35
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That is pretty much what happened to me. One was like why would you even think about getting back with him? Well Im not thinking about. Im scared of it. And other one totally misunderstood me and told me: dont worry. He is coming back. Try to relax and buy something nice.

People dont really understand this weakness inside of me towards him. And they think it is just easy to move on and ignore his i miss you and love you texts.

Actually to me more helpful has been talking to this new guy. Seeing what real good man and behaviour is.
The best people to talk with are those who have also experienced abusive relationships who want to improve on themselves. As they will be on the same wavelength as you, they will be more likely to understand and support you. It would be helpful for you to join an abuse support group. You also have the opportunity to make empathic friends, as opposed to friends you only have fun with.
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Old 8th January 2016, 8:53 AM   #36
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The funny thing is he was texting me that he wants to come to me straight after he is back in town... And he wont tell me when he is coming back when I asked him. Because I want to prepare if he decides to show up. So he says he cares for me but wont say when he will be back. Can you imagine? Then he is thinking that he could just show up. I answered him because he said that he wants to come and see me. And told him he cant come.. Then he got mad again that I dont want him to come.
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Old 8th January 2016, 9:59 AM   #37
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The funny thing is he was texting me that he wants to come to me straight after he is back in town... And he wont tell me when he is coming back when I asked him. Because I want to prepare if he decides to show up. So he says he cares for me but wont say when he will be back. Can you imagine? Then he is thinking that he could just show up. I answered him because he said that he wants to come and see me. And told him he cant come.. Then he got mad again that I dont want him to come.
He's not worth your energy Fruitee.
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Old 8th January 2016, 10:41 AM   #38
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He's not worth your energy Fruitee.
I know. But I had to tell him. Because otherwise he would just show up and wouldnt leave unless Id call the cops to remove him..
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Old 8th January 2016, 2:17 PM   #39
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I feel like there is no hope for me.
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Old 8th January 2016, 8:39 PM   #40
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I feel like I should say something to him. Like now it is over. Even I know it is over and he knows it and there is nothing left to say. And I dont own him any explanations. I have been waiting for this feeling of end.

I have been too afraid of my future and keeping myself attached to him because of this fear. But this fear of future will also take me down if I continue with him. Because I will end up broke and old and lonely and used and unhappy.

In my mind and my soul I know what is right for me. I know I will survive. I dont need a man. I can take care of myself. I have job. I have education. Im in top of my class right now. I have future. Im still young. I look good. I will find love. I will love myself and I will do right by myself and by others. I will stop hurting others. I will stop punishing myself. I forgive myself and others. I will survive. I will grow. I will move on. I will be sad and happy and I will let time pass and I will heal.

Life is not over. Life is full of expectations, dissapointments and people who come and go. But if I now do this right. If I now fight for my future. For my freedom. For my safety. I will come out stronger and better. And I will have true chance in love, relationship and happiness. I am scared. But I will not let my fear define me. I will do my best. And I will conquere.

Last edited by Fruitee; 8th January 2016 at 8:43 PM..
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Old 8th January 2016, 9:59 PM   #41
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You have a nice new guy in your life. Don't let the ex screw up your life any more than he has.
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Old 9th January 2016, 6:45 AM   #42
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You have a nice new guy in your life. Don't let the ex screw up your life any more than he has.
I wont. I almost did that already. Im just little bit scared I will end up and same situation. I will continue reading that book.
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Old 9th January 2016, 9:06 AM   #43
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I wont. I almost did that already. Im just little bit scared I will end up and same situation. I will continue reading that book.
After being with my nutcase ex, I have no doubt that I can spot an abuser from ten miles away. So can you. And the truth is, even if you did get tricked and ended up with another one, you would know the signs very quickly and would know to get out as fast as lightening.

So lose that fear because you have complete control over that situation. That fear is controlling you and you're not giving yourself enough credit.

Last edited by bathtub-row; 9th January 2016 at 9:08 AM..
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Old 9th January 2016, 5:40 PM   #44
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Yes I will stop being afraid and going for our 5th date now.
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Old 10th January 2016, 1:33 AM   #45
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Yes I will stop being afraid and going for our 5th date now.
That's great. I'm really happy for you. But I would politely advise you to please stop putting so much emphasis on one guy or another. I think it's great that you have met a good guy but please do not ever put yourself in the position where you are unable to leave a relationship, or that you have to be with someone in order to survive or be happy. Whether a man is by your side or not, you can be content with yourself, and self-sufficient.
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