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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 6th January 2016, 8:00 PM   #16
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I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.
Don't do that to yourself. Please! That's EXACTLY the kind of thinking that keeps women hooked in these ridiculous relationships.

Skip to the back of the book to where the author talks about how and why abuse works on people. You're actually a survivor who learned how to handle the situation you were in. Putting yourself down will only bring you down. Don't be your own enemy.
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Old 6th January 2016, 8:04 PM   #17
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Abuse is common. It is not always overt and obvious, but is actually often covert and subtle to the extent of it not even being noticed, especially in the case of emotional abuse and also covert sexual abuse. If you ever do therapy and start dissecting your childhood memories I'm sure you will find abuse hidden within the 'happiness'. But it takes the expertise of a good therapist to assist you. I have met many people who ended up in therapy due to abusive relationships who discovered that their problems truly lied in their childhood family histories.

If you never suffered childhood abuse you simply would not gravitate towards abusive people, rather you would be attracted to other people like yourself. We are naturally attracted to what is familiar to us. It's a basic primitive survival instinct. This self-protective behaviour is not just seen in humans but in other mammals also. So even though they feel stressed and uncomfortable in the dysfunctional relationship, abused people will continue to stay due to their perceived normality and 'safety' of it. Non-abused people would not even pause to question or rationalise the abusive behaviour of their partner, they would recognise it as foreign anf therefore unsafe and simply leave.
That's highly unlikely but it's also not relevant to me at this point in my life. I never experienced abusers before or since and I wouldn't dream of being in another relationship like that again. That's the only thing that concerns me.
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Old 6th January 2016, 9:04 PM   #18
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I dont really have anyone to talk to.
Then go out and FIND someone. Start with a therapist. You need one NOW.

And then start looking for opportunities to get out and live life. Volunteer at a pet shelter or some other place, and make friends with the people there. Ask them out for lunch. Get to know some women. Make overtures. MAKE friends.

Sign up for a class at a local junior college and learn how to do something new. Strike up conversations with other women in the class. Go to get coffee with them. MAKE friends.

Join some sort of sports league, one for beginners if you're not good at any sports yet. A league for women, not men. Tennis, bowling, bicycling, whatever. Get to know the other women - you have the sport itself to talk about. MAKE friends.

See how this works? The ONE thing you need most right now is other women in your life. And this is coming straight out of my therapist's mouth.
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Old 7th January 2016, 12:09 AM   #19
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I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.
No Fruitee, you're not crazy. You've just been brought up/conditioned to accept bad treatment. You are not worthy of this abuse and it's something you have to learn as it was obviously not taught to you in your youth. If you had not suffered childhood abuse, it would come naturally to you to seek respect, not abuse.
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Last edited by truthtripper; 7th January 2016 at 12:11 AM..
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Old 7th January 2016, 1:10 AM   #20
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That's highly unlikely but it's also not relevant to me at this point in my life. I never experienced abusers before or since and I wouldn't dream of being in another relationship like that again. That's the only thing that concerns me.
If you had a completely healthy childhood upbringing, you would have no concern about falling into abusive relationships as your gut instincts would automatically guide you in the right direction.

When you are treated badly, you simply leave. In fact you are highly likely to not even develop a relationship with the abusive person in the first place. You instinctively know it's wrong. It's as simple as that. But when a person is confused and finds it difficult to determine whether they are being abused or not, indicates that there was some dysfunction in their upbringing. Healthy parenting instills a strong sense of self respect within the child. Self respect attracts respect from others. Self respect is an abuse-proof vest.
burnt and asphyxis like this.
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Old 7th January 2016, 7:27 AM   #21
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When you start to realize that it doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks, and that all you have to do is NOT talk to him, then you'll understand that you're in control. Not him.

This is a time where you must ignore your feelings for him, and exercise control over yourself. Emotions that you don't control will keep you tied to this nut case for years and years. And he is a nut case who will ruin your life if you let him. Those feelings for him will die away. Trust that.
Yes I know that it dont matter what he wants but what I want. I have been reading a lot Baggage reclaim and it seems like Im some kind of pleaser.

We have been going on circles for year and I also think what we had was codependent relationship. Someone here said that and it seems to fit.

Last year I met couple of nice guys and didnt pursue them because I was so attached to him even he didnt want me or wasnt around. Now Im not going to put my life on hold for him.

I told him when he comes back he is not allowed to come to my place. But he is insulting me on how I have moved on and making me feel bad about it.

But I really do like this guy I have now seen like 4 times and we talk every day. I told him what was going on and he has been very understanding and supportive. He also knows I want to take things easy so no sex or sleepovers etc for a long time. We have been eating and talking which is nice because that ex was always very physical with his interactions with me. And when Im thinking I dont want to lose this "new guy" because of my crazy ex. Because I think I will just end up lonely and ruined again. With this "new guy" I have at least some kind of chance for happiness even I am very sceptical.

What else. Yes. I am attending my Masters' classes during spring. And I hope I will make new friends at school. During Autumn I didnt make any friends and almost failed all my classes because of him.

Also I want to start going to gym again. I have already started to run and do yoga which has always been good therapy to me. And I want to go to Krav Maga. You know. For self-defence and maybe to get some friends.

I have couple of close friends but I dont want to stress them and I havent told anything to my family.
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Old 7th January 2016, 7:30 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by truthtripper View Post
If you had a completely healthy childhood upbringing, you would have no concern about falling into abusive relationships as your gut instincts would automatically guide you in the right direction.

When you are treated badly, you simply leave. In fact you are highly likely to not even develop a relationship with the abusive person in the first place. You instinctively know it's wrong. It's as simple as that. But when a person is confused and finds it difficult to determine whether they are being abused or not, indicates that there was some dysfunction in their upbringing. Healthy parenting instills a strong sense of self respect within the child. Self respect attracts respect from others. Self respect is an abuse-proof vest.
This fits me very well.
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Old 7th January 2016, 10:27 AM   #23
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You don't want to stress a CLOSE friend? That's what friends are for! They'll be dismayed if they find out you didn't go to them.
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Old 7th January 2016, 10:51 AM   #24
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You don't want to stress a CLOSE friend? That's what friends are for! They'll be dismayed if they find out you didn't go to them.
I know but they have been listening to me already for an year.
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Old 7th January 2016, 12:23 PM   #25
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Well, if you went to them and said "I'm ready to change, will you help me?" I'm pretty sure they'd be thrilled to be involved.
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Old 7th January 2016, 1:21 PM   #26
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Well, if you went to them and said "I'm ready to change, will you help me?" I'm pretty sure they'd be thrilled to be involved.
Never thought of that. Good tip. Might try it.
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Old 7th January 2016, 2:55 PM   #27
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You don't want to stress a CLOSE friend? That's what friends are for! They'll be dismayed if they find out you didn't go to them.
It's better to tell someone rather than suffering in silence. Friends are not always helpful. Most people are not able to cope and may not know how to support you, that's why it's safer to start with a professional therapist. Support groups are also helpful as you can share your experiences, compare notes and empathize. I have met hundreds of abused people at support groups over the last ten years. It has been healing and also educational.

Last edited by truthtripper; 7th January 2016 at 2:57 PM..
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Old 7th January 2016, 5:02 PM   #28
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THEREPY....

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR....

Ohh....and MORE THEREPY.

Nothing changes if the person isn't willing to do the steps. The above will get you started, its up to you to do the work. I sincerely hope you get that opportunity, its an eye opener to a new way of life!
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Old 7th January 2016, 7:56 PM   #29
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Fruitree, I recently opened up a bit to my family, and a close girlfriend at work: I was overwhelmed with the loving and supportive responses I received. I was so very against opening but I was worrying over nothing. Turns out, I judged myself harsher than anyone else. Open up, even if just a little. The responses will surprise you.
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Old 7th January 2016, 11:51 PM   #30
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Fruitree, I recently opened up a bit to my family, and a close girlfriend at work: I was overwhelmed with the loving and supportive responses I received. I was so very against opening but I was worrying over nothing. Turns out, I judged myself harsher than anyone else. Open up, even if just a little. The responses will surprise you.
That's great you received positive responses from family and friends. Often when we suddenly open up to people it can be unexpected and shocking for them, which can prompt awkward or inappropriate responses from them. Their lack of understanding can further hurt us. They don't mean to hurt us though, they are just not equipped to handle it in an appropriate way.

Abuse in relationships is not a topic usually included in superficial, everyday conversation. Discussion of such topics by those who are suffering needs to occur in an exclusive, safe environment.
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