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Severe abuse, how do I move on?


Pickimgupthepeices

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Pickimgupthepeices

For the last two years I've been doing everything I can to make a relationship work with someone who clearly hates me and I'm broken.

From two months in its been a battle of me defending myself and reassuring him, i don't even know where to start,

 

From the Smallest things like talking to me like crap, accusing me of things, having to reply and answer within two seconds even if I'm workig or I get hundreds of txts within a min. If I didn't answer in the middle of the night I'd be cheating and not asleep, waking me at 5am every morning whilst he was abroad to make me get up cause he was. Pretending to kill himself on the phone to me while He was abroad Nd I listening to what I thought was him dying and having to wait 5 hours to know if he was ok and having no one to contact to help him.

Not being allowed to even put a face shot of myself on fb cause I was attracting men. not being able to go out or he would start a fight ((he could do what he Wanted) and costing me my job ringing my work phone being rude cause I had a picture of me and my children but then put a naked photo of himself up and that was ok so when he accused me of cheating and I said fine and lost it with him, this is after 20 months of being accused, pushed around, mentally bullied) I'm evil.

Being strangled cause he messaged another woman saying he wanted to sleep with Her and I didn't want to talk to listen to him explain.

Never told any of his friends about me, breaking up with me all the time and taking all of his problems out on me, telling me he would cheat on me if I didn't do what he said.

Not seeing me for months after me putting him up and looking after him, getting up to make his sandwiches, phoning me in the middle of the night drunk saying he's going to kill me, or worse leaving messages if I didn't talk to him he would kill himself, getting me to open up about things then using them against me to punish me.

 

Coming to see me on my birthday and finding out he'd met another woman he met online before coming, threatening to kill my friend then crying saying sorry to her. Finding out that night on my birthday he had been on dating sites, slept with his housemate and then he beat me up.

 

Stupidly I took him back after this, he's been getting help for me. It all it seems to have done is give him the skills to bully me while being calm instead of raging. I fell for his tears then found out I was pregnant the next week. All this in one week :-( leaving me to have an abortion alone because I was upset about what I had to do, then breaking up with me, back on dating sites but continuing to terrorise me every day with the most horrible words while I tried to recover.

Again after that being at my lowest point I took him back only tonabe my coil fail and fall pregant again. The most horrible position for me to ever be in to have to go through all of that again. Clearly by this point Ibe lost all my strength but other than reacting to his temper tantrums I was still the kind loving, reassuring patient person I am. And his time on the way to the hospital he was being nasty p, kept calling and texting. Picked me up looked after me only tonattack me the next day after going though my phone and accusing me of God knows what then left me again going on a dating site, both of these pregnancies have been this year I'm still trying to recover from them.

 

This time Ive kept him at a distance until this week.... When after telling me I was the love of his life and he knows what's he's done to me, ringing and ringing me he decides to tell me he loves me doesn't want anyone else but it won't eork cAuse I've been too upset for too long, then procedes to play games with me until the final phone call where he loves me, I make him sick and he stabs a doll every day and calls it me whilst stabbing something and then joins a dating site two hours later.

 

I'm just broken, yes in the last couple of months I reacted badly to his lies, nasty words, bullying me and being so in love one min the next day not talking to me for no reason but I only ever shouted and would explain how he's made me feel. But he's put it on me.

 

These are only the highlights, I lived this hell daily in one form or another. I was always there for him, .istening, helping, reassuring and I just don't understand how I cojld deserve this. All Ive ever done is be good to him and I know and everyone has told me that no one would be as good and handle it so well and lovingly like I do, just last week I was up all night on the phone to him whilst he was away with friends cause he was having a moment and worried that I wasn't at home while he was out. Till 3am I reassured him, listened to him tell me he would never let me down again.

 

How on earth do I stop wishing for him to contact me when I know anyone that he's a bad person and I'm better off.

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He is very scary, please get help ASAP.

Mobilise your friends and family tell them all about it and get you and your babies out and to a safe place.

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Pickimgupthepeices

No I don't, although he lives an hour away some of his friends have moved into my town.

I didn't put in the above either that he accused ME of sleeping with gay and female friends, and I was stupid if I didn't see that they wanted me. If I contacted him I was either shouted at or ignored but if i didn't contact him first daily I was nasty. After abortion I was accused of sleeping with other men still as normal, and if I tried to ignore him when he was bullying ME I was evil and trying to hurt him, but If I answered I was a liar. I had to send screen shots and pictures near on daily of who Id spoken to and to prove i was at home. I feel like all I ever did was reassure and prove my worth to him when he was the one who betrayed ME in every way. I wasn't even allowed to talk anout babies at all ever in any context even a week after the second one in three months :-(

 

I can't understmad why im so upset about the thought of him never contacting ME again when all he did is cause me pain and blame me.

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This guy is completely insane and dangerous.

 

You should talk with the police and get a restraining order.

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Pickimgupthepeices

Satu, he's made me scared to do that as well! Told me I'm the type of girl that if he left I'd phone the police to punish him even though I protected him from them on my birthday :-( he's told me all I ever do is make him feel bad about himself cause I hadn't got over it all. I tried to explain that yes I've been upset for six months since my birthdsy but look at all I found out and went through and the only time I openly got upset with him is when he was doing it again, more leaving me, more cheating, more pushing me around. I'm only human and I have feelings. Who wouldn't try to talk to him about his behaviour and who wouldn't still be upset about it all. Said I forgsve him so get over it but he could never understand it was the continuing behaviour that I couldn't move past. I couldn't believe a word that he said. He would set me up for punishments, told me he would make me believe everything's ok to drop me and hurt me more after, asking questions to build up cases against me in his head.

Edited by Pickimgupthepeices
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No I don't, although he lives an hour away some of his friends have moved into my town.

I didn't put in the above either that he accused ME of sleeping with gay and female friends, and I was stupid if I didn't see that they wanted me. If I contacted him I was either shouted at or ignored but if i didn't contact him first daily I was nasty. After abortion I was accused of sleeping with other men still as normal, and if I tried to ignore him when he was bullying ME I was evil and trying to hurt him, but If I answered I was a liar. I had to send screen shots and pictures near on daily of who Id spoken to and to prove i was at home. I feel like all I ever did was reassure and prove my worth to him when he was the one who betrayed ME in every way. I wasn't even allowed to talk anout babies at all ever in any context even a week after the second one in three months :-(

 

I can't understmad why im so upset about the thought of him never contacting ME again when all he did is cause me pain and blame me.

 

 

The anxiety you feel isn't worth the trouble. I've been in your shoes before, just as horrendous and graphic, so please consider this advice I'm giving to you.

 

 

It's about power and control. He makes you feel horrible, makes you feel extremely anxious because he wants to have control of you. He wants you to fear him, so his actions toward you - as horrendous and graphic they are - go without punishment, happen without a second thought. He wants you to feel all this, wants your emotional health to deteriorate so you feel like you need him, so you'll feel like you and only you are able to fix his underlying issues. He wants you to stay, wants you to care about him so he can continue to make you less of a woman.

 

 

I know how scary this is. I know exactly what's going through your mind and I'll tell you this : there's nothing you can do for this man. He needed help long before he met you, and he'll need help long after you're gone. When people are so consumed with their own feelings, so consumed by the abusive behavior from their past and present, they've never been introduced to unconditional love in their lives and it's certainly not going to start with you. You've been in a relationship for 2 years; If he was gonna change for you, he would've done it already for you. Please don't tell me that your love can change this man - this thought is extremely dangerous and can get you into more trouble than you're dealing with now.

Edited by Torii
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Pickimgupthepeices

I don't think my love can save him no, if I was all the things he said I was like realising he had never been in love before falling for me why then break up with me, if I'm so special and no one understands him like me then why in the next breath tell me I make him sick and stab a doll while talking to me telling me it's me, and why if I'm so special, he's in love with me and doesn't want anyone else do all this to me in the first place and then break up with me yet again over txt again? All this in one conversation for him to them join a dating site two hours later, after chasing me two days before. I'd laugh if it wasn't so obvious he's an pathogical liar.

 

I guess the emotions I'm dealing with is why I want him to contact me again.... When I know for a fact if he did its all lies anyway!

 

I'm pretty sure he has a personality disorder and was told that by a mental health team.... Although the therapist he is seeing now I don't think has a chance against his manipulation. He will paint him black too I guess.m

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I don't think my love can save him no, if I was all the things he said I was like realising he had never been in love before falling for me why then break up with me, if I'm so special and no one understands him like me then why in the next breath tell me I make him sick and stab a doll while talking to me telling me it's me, and why if I'm so special, he's in love with me and doesn't want anyone else do all this to me in the first place and then break up with me yet again over txt again? All this in one conversation for him to them join a dating site two hours later, after chasing me two days before. I'd laugh if it wasn't so obvious he's an pathogical liar.

 

I guess the emotions I'm dealing with is why I want him to contact me again.... When I know for a fact if he did its all lies anyway!

 

I'm pretty sure he has a personality disorder and was told that by a mental health team.... Although the therapist he is seeing now I don't think has a chance against his manipulation. He will paint him black too I guess.m

 

OK you have insight into him, but you are codependent and that is why you NEED him.

I am not sure if he has been diagnosed NPD or not but the relationship you have with him is similar and is described here. The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

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Clarence_Boddicker

What childhood trauma caused you to stay with your abuser for so long?

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Pickimgupthepeices

im not codependent as I've left people before that treated me badly and I've also had therspy as I'm a therapist myself, I believe I stayed because I wanted to believe that the times when he said all the loving things and made me feel great we're the truth and thr abuse was his pain and insecurities. I was very very wrong.

 

The more the day goes on the more calm and more I don't want him to contact me, the last contact was yesterday and Im actually surprised about how ready I am to let go.

 

My mother was in an abusive relationship for ten years when I was a child... I guess it's what I grew up with and also my mother is slightly controlling and negative towards some of her children herself. She can be hard work.

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salparadise
I guess the emotions I'm dealing with is why I want him to contact me again.... When I know for a fact if he did its all lies anyway!

 

I'm pretty sure he has a personality disorder and was told that by a mental health team.... Although the therapist he is seeing now I don't think has a chance against his manipulation. He will paint him black too I guess.m

 

You are correct to realize that it's YOUR emotions and mental state that are keeping you stuck in this highly dysfunctional pattern. You already know on the cognitive level that the relationship is an absolute disaster and you that you need to break free of it... but your emotions are so out of sync (damaged) that you can't manage to do what's necessary for your own wellbeing, and even survival. You need to get the right kind of help––now!

 

Find a nearby women's resource center and call them asap. They'll understand where you are emotionally and the practical, legal and mental health resources that you need to get free, re-equilibrate, start healing and grow into the wonderful person you have the potential to be. Make the call and follow though no matter how scary it may feel at first. Based on what you've said here this step is not optional- it's what you have to do. It's time for you to be decisive, take action and accept the help these wonderful organizations are in place to provide.

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im not codependent as I've left people before that treated me badly and I've also had therspy as I'm a therapist myself, I believe I stayed because I wanted to believe that the times when he said all the loving things and made me feel great we're the truth and thr abuse was his pain and insecurities. I was very very wrong.

 

The more the day goes on the more calm and more I don't want him to contact me, the last contact was yesterday and Im actually surprised about how ready I am to let go.

 

My mother was in an abusive relationship for ten years when I was a child... I guess it's what I grew up with and also my mother is slightly controlling and negative towards some of her children herself. She can be hard work.

 

I understand. You're holding onto his words, want to be reassured that all your efforts and time spend wasn't a waste. Even if those words have some truth to them, is it really enough after all he has and will continue to put you through?

 

Love doesn't cause pain. Love doesn't guilt trip you. Love isn't suppose to make you scared, coward or hide from people that are suppose to care about you.

 

People like your boyfriend - people that only know how to handle their emotions through actions of abuse - are very dangerous. They're mentally incapable of being in love because they're so consumed by their past, by what they might've experienced as a child and adolescent, that they don't know how to express what they think is love without being violent. Abuse is all they know.

 

 

If you care about somebody, if you really really care about somebody, you care about their well-being (emotional, psychological and physical) as well as basic needs. Your need for safety, for security should be a concern every day - regardless of any positive or negative reactions. You should care and love yourself enough to know that your well-being is in severe risk right now, by a man that clearly has no idea what love is.

 

A person that loves you, all of you, every ounce of you, would never allow themselves to harm you like this.

 

 

You're a therapist; I'm sure you've been trained to understand and know the signs of abuse. I'm sure you've been trained to understand that self-esteem, self-worth and image become completely shattered when dealing with actions of abuse - indirectly and directly. I'm sure you know that who you are, what you've accomplished, can be destroyed with just a simple glance of the person that hurt you. It makes you question everything in your life, makes you wonder if you really deserve happiness after what they put you through. It's a repetitive pattern - and no matter how many times he says those sweet words to you that make your heart melt or make you yearn to accept it as is - the abuse will continue, continue and continue until who you are as a woman, as a therapist, doesn't exist anymore.

 

 

I highly suggest you get familiar with the patterns, and the cycles of abuse. You clearly don't understand that when he says he loves you, when he apologises to you, that he's only saying this so the cycle of abuse can repeat. Many people don't know that their behavior is abusive - and I honestly believe that this is where dangerous situations happen.

 

 

There are outreach services for situations like this. Look around in your area - and as scared as you all are - do what you know has to be done. Get the help you need, and supports to break away from this cycle.

Edited by Torii
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salparadise
im not codependent as I've left people before that treated me badly and I've also had therspy as I'm a therapist myself, I believe I stayed because I wanted to believe...

 

Damn! I missed this on the first pass. In that case, you should definitely be cognizant of the full ramifications... and you should also realize that being a therapist does not make you immune to abuse or codependency, or obviate the need for additional therapy in such a situation. You need to go back and re-read what you wrote objectively, as if it were a patient telling you their story. You said you knew it was your emotions keeping you stuck... what would you recommend?

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Pickimgupthepeices

That is exactly how I've been dealing with this, by looking at it from the outside and talking to myself as a patient.

 

Realistically I can do this while I have no contact but the minute he contacts me I have too much empathy and fall for the lines and even worse I fall for the trap of defending myself about my intentions and my whereabouts.

 

I know healthily the best thing that can happen is him never to come near me again but how realistic is that? As an therapist I can see the cycle is there and this is to teach me my lesson and he still believes he has power over me and can excuse any wrong doing with words but as a human and a woman in love the emotions I feel that he's done with me cause he hates me are painful.

I guess it's dealing with the rational healthy side and the crushed side that I've been through all of this for someone who doesn't love me and never could.... The constant rejection of my basic needs whilst draining so much from me, the final kick that he hates me and it's my fault.

I actually have been reaching out to therapists not within my circle for the last couple of months.... It's important to me to be able to heal from this and not make the same mistake again.

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salparadise

Realistically I can do this while I have no contact but the minute he contacts me I have too much empathy and fall for the lines and even worse I fall for the trap of defending myself about my intentions and my whereabouts.

 

Have you read the Loveshack Guide to No Contact? NC is a generally accepted necessity to break away in situations similar to yours where the mind and emotions are out of sync, and/or where normal boundaries are impossible or ineffective for various reasons. I suggest that you read then. Of course it won't do you a bit of good unless you've made a firm decision. 2014 No Contact Guide

 

I know healthily the best thing that can happen is him never to come near me again but how realistic is that?

 

Totally realistic, once you've made the decision. Sounds like to me you're not there yet.

 

As an therapist I can see the cycle is there and this is to teach me my lesson...

 

The cycle is there because you are susceptible; cycles don't possess motives, people do. Aware people with healthy boundaries would've either sensed his dysfunction on first meeting, or dropped him like a hot potato at the first sign. You let him get his hooks in you, and then you tolerated it until it became intolerable, and still you are fighting an internal struggle rather than just making a clean break and walking away.

 

and he still believes he has power over me and can excuse any wrong doing with words but as a human and a woman in love the emotions I feel that he's done with me cause he hates me are painful.

 

• He has power only because you give it to him.

 

• He doesn't literally hate you- he doesn't know what he feels. He has this internal love/hatred going on within himself and he acts out at you because a) you're his intimate partner, b) boundaries are nonexistent, c) enmeshment is such that he doesn't know where he ends and you begin. You are are the recipient of the fallout from his inner struggle.

 

I guess it's dealing with the rational healthy side and the crushed side that I've been through all of this for someone who doesn't love me and never could.... The constant rejection of my basic needs whilst draining so much from me, the final kick that he hates me and it's my fault.

 

I realize I'm preaching to the choir here, but... you're trying to deal with it by rationalizing, but the problem is that it is not rational––his behavior is not rational. We all have patterns or paradigms that have integrated to help us make sense of the world and people and ourselves and how they fit together. What we see as normal is, love = caring, supporting, nurturing, etc., etc. That fits our paradigm. What you've got is love = abuse. It doesn't compute on the intuitive, emotional level. It results in dissonance until you can get the emotions caught up with and sync'd with the cognitive. How do you do this- therapy, of course.

 

I actually have been reaching out to therapists not within my circle for the last couple of months.... It's important to me to be able to heal from this and not make the same mistake again.

 

Good! But what does that mean? Have you chosen a good therapist and started having regular appointments as patient/therapist, or are you just talking to different people on a more casual basis? You know all about the necessity for establishing the therapeutic alliance, so I'll spare you explanation.

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Pickimgupthepeices

Everything you've said is spot on and you're right I know the exact date he crossed the boundries and when I should have dropped him, I remember thinking I should leave him now in that day only three months in.

 

Another thing I should take a closer look at is now reasonating with the abuse=love result of this relationship.. Although that's what I grew up with i know it's not true but this has left ME with that programmed in me and that's not something I want to carry with me!

 

He has no power you're right, I see through the manipulation, I see his illness and I also see that this has never been about ME and no matter now much I loved or proved myself to him it would have never filled the void within him or changed his actions. I actually feel pretty bad for him and I guess that's how he got me.

 

I've spoken to a few therapists and am waiting for the one I've connected with to have space, I feep it's important that I don't use one within my circle as they have emotions and are biased towards ME and wouldn't result in a complete look at my own part in accepting this treatment.

 

I am ready for no contact, I was wishing him to contact me so that I didn't feel so discarded and I realise this isn't healthy either.

He has contacted me tonight, I've had 25 missed calls of a private number and counting. (His number is blocked) however if it persists I will change my number, despite me loving him and wanting him to get better I know that I can also do this from afar in my thoughts rather than allowing him to have a further impact on my life and future.

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That is exactly how I've been dealing with this, by looking at it from the outside and talking to myself as a patient.

 

Realistically I can do this while I have no contact but the minute he contacts me I have too much empathy and fall for the lines and even worse I fall for the trap of defending myself about my intentions and my whereabouts.

 

I know healthily the best thing that can happen is him never to come near me again but how realistic is that? As an therapist I can see the cycle is there and this is to teach me my lesson and he still believes he has power over me and can excuse any wrong doing with words but as a human and a woman in love the emotions I feel that he's done with me cause he hates me are painful.

I guess it's dealing with the rational healthy side and the crushed side that I've been through all of this for someone who doesn't love me and never could.... The constant rejection of my basic needs whilst draining so much from me, the final kick that he hates me and it's my fault.

I actually have been reaching out to therapists not within my circle for the last couple of months.... It's important to me to be able to heal from this and not make the same mistake again.

 

We all make mistakes, darling. No matter what our status or career - we'll all make mistakes and continue to do so. It's part of life, and I think you'll go far with this experience behind you once you get the help you need to fully move on from this.

 

We'll never understand why people do certain things - and I think this is a prime example of that. You did all you could for the person you loved, and somehow it just wasn't enough. Some people are just so hurt, so broken that they forget what's really important to them. They lose their values, virtues and beliefs.

 

 

I'm proud of you though, darling. You have gained the courage needed to finally step up and say you've had enough of the treatment. Many women stay hidden, covering up all abnormalities in the relationship, so I'm glad you're finally doing what you need to do to live happily again. It's not going to be easy, you're going to feel so many mixed emotions about this. All you can do, is look after yourself the best you possibly can and lose connections to those that hurt you. Do what's best for you. Always.

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I seriously hope you are not treating others at the moment, as a therapist, as by your writing style and content it is obvious that you are in a total mess.

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I'm sorry for your pain, pickingup. I agree with much of the advice given in this thread regarding seeking family support, shelter, and therapy as needed.

 

Ultimately, I think that true freedom from the chains that bind us (in this case, breaking free from abusive relationships) comes from knowing Christ. I pray that you can look towards God as a source of strength in this difficult situation.

 

If you're interested, this is a sermon on abuse with some practical steps you can take if you find yourself in a destructive relationship.

 

God bless. You are in my prayers.

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Pickimgupthepeices

Elaine, yes my writing style isn't prefect in this situation.

For two reasons, one is my phone that I am using to assess this site is broken and the screen shattered along with my laptop.

 

Another present he left me with!

And secondly because yes I am clearly very upset and in a bad place as anybody whos relationship has ended only yesterday let alone one so damaging.

 

And I did think in a safe place like here my grammar and spelling mistakes (because of my phone) wouldn't be an issue. I'm dealing with life changing emotions here and haven't been stopping to read back my typing.

 

That being said though no I am not treating anybody at the moment, I am the one needed help and I am not in the near position to guide anyone. Also luckily I am also a pharmacy technican so that is taking care of the bills for now.

 

Thank you everyone else for your support and kind words. They have gotten ME through the day and given me the strength to stick to the no contact dispite his unwavering calls this evening.

This morning I wanted the contact and thanks to you lovely people giving me a place to voice my emotions I have listened to my rational and therapeutic mind.

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Pickimgupthepeices

Elaine, yes my writing style isn't perfect in this situation.

For two reasons, one is my phone that I am using to assess this site is broken and the screen shattered along with my laptop.

 

Another present he left me with!

And secondly because yes I am clearly very upset and in a bad place as anybody whos relationship has ended only yesterday let alone one so damaging.

 

And I did think in a safe place like here my grammar and spelling mistakes (because of my phone) wouldn't be an issue. I'm dealing with life changing emotions here and haven't been stopping to read back my typing or the auto correct that I now have felt the need to do.

 

That being said though no I am not treating anybody at the moment, I am the one needing help and I am not in the near position to guide anyone. Also luckily I am also a pharmacy technican so that is taking care of the bills for now.

 

Thank you everyone else for your support and kind words. They have gotten ME through the day and given me the strength to stick to the no contact dispite his unwavering calls this evening.

This morning I wanted the contact and thanks to you lovely people giving me a place to voice my emotions I have listened to my rational and therapeutic mind.

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Elaine, yes my writing style isn't prefect in this situation.

For two reasons, one is my phone that I am using to assess this site is broken and the screen shattered along with my laptop.

 

Another present he left me with!

And secondly because yes I am clearly very upset and in a bad place as anybody whos relationship has ended only yesterday let alone one so damaging.

 

And I did think in a safe place like here my grammar and spelling mistakes (because of my phone) wouldn't be an issue. I'm dealing with life changing emotions here and haven't been stopping to read back my typing.

 

Who cares about your writing style, grammar and spelling here, one look through the forum would convince you of that, my point was that as you say emotionally you are a wreck and that shows in how you write your posts.

I am just very glad you are not treating anyone else at present.

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Pickimgupthepeices

I wholeheartedly agree. I wouldn't be a very good advocat to any client right now and I have a duty of care to be in the best place to treat them. And also a bigger duty of care to look after myself.

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From reading your posts it's clear that you know and understand what the issues are as well as the Answers yet you for some reason choose to delve back into the mayhem that is your ex. It seems like you want to justify that your time spent with him was not a COMPLETE waste or that some of the feelings were real and some validation. May I ask...why? What would finding out yes or no to those questions do for you now? You and every one who read this post can see that your ex is psychotic and clearly has a mental health problem that will eventually lead to him permanently damaging you physically and emotionally until either the police get involved or heaven forbid something worse occurs .

 

You dated a crazy guy. That's it.. If he loved you, if he didn't love you, if you loved him, if you still love him... Doesn't matter. He's a cancer, you already know it. Everyone can see it. It's caused you to lose your job and go through abortions. What else do you want to put yourself through? Do you get satisfaction from him at any point? Because from what you listed if that were me I would be mortified of this person, move away, change my number, email etc and never let him waste another second of my life.

 

What else are you hoping to get out of this doomed from the start relationship? Sometimes people (myself included) date nut jobs. It happens. But once we realize that there is no chance in hell they'll change or that you're miserable you close the door and let out a sigh of relief.

Why aren't you relieved and jumping for joy that this man is out of your life? Erase him in all aspects of your life... The hard part is over. Occupy yourself with a new task or hobby to keep ur mind occupied. Get back to work, live your life without the burden of the crazy ex finally. Best of luck.

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