on relationship

[lost1975]

I would like some help.

 

I've been a serious relationship for three years. We have had our ups and downs like all relationships. The issues we are currently going through are the following:

she found out a year ago that she was sexually abused as a child by her father. She is 32 and I'm 39 for perspective. Since she had found out she is lost and refuses to seek help from a counselor. I've been supportive & caring by listening, holding, & being there for her in every way. I'm not the professional help she needs Nor could I be.

So for the last three months she no longer wants any intimacy (no holding hands, no kissing, no caressing, and absolutely no sex). She decided she no longer wanted to have sex until we are married. Although, going into the relationship she knew I didn't want to marry because I went through a bad divorce and she had gone through three already.

Intimacy on all levels is important to me. And I don't know if I can stay in this relationship with no intimacy...

i love her and care for her and her child. But how can I be in a single sided relationship? How can I not have any intimacy physically, or emotionally? How do I help her get help?

I'm lost. ..

[anika99]

How did your gf just come to learn that she was sexually abused as a child? Did somebody inform her of that or did she suddenly remember?

 

 

Obviously this knowledge has had a great affect on her and her sexuality. She has cut of intimacy with you and that hurts you and your relationship with her. She has to get professional help to work through this. Her telling you she will have sex with you when you marry her is not honest. If she doesn't desire sex with you now then she isn't going to desire sex with you when you marry her either. So definitely don't get married while this is an issue. I probably don't even have to say that as it doesn't sound like marriage is even a consideration for you at the moment.

 

 

You cannot have a one sided non intimate relationship with her. Its understandable that she is going through some emotional turmoil right now and needs time to recover but she also probably needs some professional help for a bit too. Is she taking any steps towards recovery? If yes then I think you just need to give her the time she needs to heal, but if not then perhaps you should have a frank discussion with her and say just what you said in your post.

[Jessie1231]

I'm not understanding how she recently discovered she was sexually abused either. Can you explain that please?

 

However she discovered that, it does sound like she needs help. You said she's been through three divorces already, so it seems she should have been getting some sort of help to figure that out already. You said she refuses to do that, and you can't keep making that your problem. Everyone has problems, but people choose to either try to fix it or ignore it so it becomes worse. If someone chooses to ignore a problem, you're only going to make your life harder by trying to be the fixer.

 

You don't want to get married but she's told you that's the only way she will have sex with you? That really seems manipulative.

[lost1975]

Thank you for your candid feedback.

She always had an inkling but when her father was convicted of child abuse of another child of his from a different marriage she thought it might be possible. She repressed that memory her whole life.

it wasn't confirmed until her dad wrote her an apology from jail last year.

I do care for her and her daughter. I know i can't fix it for her nor can I force her to counseling. She just started going to an abused group at church. And says she will go see counselor as soon as she can.

As for me I was forthcoming from the beginning that I was not interested in marriage because of issues and pain my first marriage caused.

so now it's just decision to cut my losses and move forward or stick it out...

[Downtown]

She found out a year ago that she was sexually abused as a child by her father.... I went through a bad divorce and she had gone through three already.

Lost, her three failed marriages and history of sexual abuse -- by her own father, no less -- are serious red flags for emotional instability. I am speaking based on my 15 years of experience with my exW, whom was sexually abused by her father. Significantly, childhood sexual abuse is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from.

 

Granted, most abused children do NOT develop BPD. Such abuse, however, greatly raises their risk for developing it -- and this is particularly true when the abuse is sexual and is done by a parent. See BPD and Childhood Sexual Abuse and the study, Child Sex Abuse and BPD. Also see Sexual Abuse and Psychiatric Disorders and the study, Psychological Consequences of Sexual Abuse.

 

Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your GF. Only a professional can do that. I therefore suggest that, if you are reluctant to walk away from her, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid, professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

Although you cannot diagnose her, you nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Anika and Jessie in discussing them with you. Take care, Lost.