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I briefly met a girl 18 months ago. I more recently looked up her online profiles, discovered that we might have something in common, and approached her via facebook.

 

I did so anonymously to find out if indeed there was common ground, and to keep my business a secret initially. She commented that she couldn’t remember me without a photo, so I sent one. Having heard nothing for ten days I joked that perhaps I should have offered her a job instead. She blocked my account, but I’m useless with Facebook, and when her profile updated (with a photo that seemed either playful or flirtatious) in my account I wasn't certain what had happened.

 

I wrote again via linkedin and was told, ‘don’t contact me again’. I thought that the end of it and a couple of weeks later deleted the social media accounts. I took one last look at her account before moving on, and to my surprise within 24 hours of my account deletion, she had updated her cover photo to a bunch of roses.

 

It seemed to me such an extraordinary update that I wondered if it could have been an attempt at reconciliation and I politely asked whether I may write again. Perhaps instead it was a trick, because the response came from the police in the form of a police information notice for harassment, which appears on an enhanced criminal record check. It’s doubly annoying as the officer tricked me into revealing my personal information, having earlier said that an email acknowledgement would suffice to close the matter.

 

Haven't I just been a bit daft here, or is it right that I am now labelled as a stalker.

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She told you three times to stop contacting her. Instead you chose to pay attention to silly things -- everything other than to justify an excuse to contact her. Next time when someone says stop contact, it means exactly that.

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whichwayisup
I briefly met a girl 18 months ago. I more recently looked up her online profiles, discovered that we might have something in common, and approached her via facebook.

 

I did so anonymously to find out if indeed there was common ground, and to keep my business a secret initially. She commented that she couldn’t remember me without a photo, so I sent one. Having heard nothing for ten days I joked that perhaps I should have offered her a job instead. She blocked my account, but I’m useless with Facebook, and when her profile updated (with a photo that seemed either playful or flirtatious) in my account I wasn't certain what had happened.

 

I wrote again via linkedin and was told, ‘don’t contact me again’. I thought that the end of it and a couple of weeks later deleted the social media accounts. I took one last look at her account before moving on, and to my surprise within 24 hours of my account deletion, she had updated her cover photo to a bunch of roses.

 

It seemed to me such an extraordinary update that I wondered if it could have been an attempt at reconciliation and I politely asked whether I may write again. Perhaps instead it was a trick, because the response came from the police in the form of a police information notice for harassment, which appears on an enhanced criminal record check. It’s doubly annoying as the officer tricked me into revealing my personal information, having earlier said that an email acknowledgement would suffice to close the matter.

 

Haven't I just been a bit daft here, or is it right that I am now labelled as a stalker.

 

You're a bit daft. Sorry man but when a woman blocks you, twice, she is NOT interested.

 

Why would you think that her profile changes/photo's had anything to do with you and why would you think she gave you the green light after she blocked you??

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or is it right that I am now labelled as a stalker.

 

I think in this case, yes it is right...

 

Have you done this with other women or was this stalking of this person a one off ?

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It interesting that you all agree with the officer but I still feel you're missing my point.

 

What would you do if somebody approached you anonymously and you at first thought them a nuisance, only to then reconsider, realise you may have misjudged them and would like to speak again after all? Wouldn't you try to send them a message - if you didn't have their contact details any more, wouldn't posting roses to your cover photo be one of the few ways of doing that?

 

That was the basis on which I wrote again. Because it's not as if people post roses to their account every day - it's a 1 in 10,000 chance.

 

Of course no means no. But we are not talking about a physical encounter here, we're talking about a few words on a page, and all I did was politely ask if I could write again. Nothing rude, abusive or threatening. All she had to do was say no to remove any remaining doubt.

 

I hadn't been told no three times at that point - only once (which I'd have heeded but for the roses). I should have realised that she'd blocked me on facebook and it wishful thinking to suppose otherwise, but nevertheless after my rather tentative in my initial email, I just wondered and hadn't yet been told otherwise whether she might have been playing games / testing me / looking for a compliment.

 

I would also add that it's more difficult in online communication to understand exactly what the other party is feeling. In exceptional circumstances, and the roses seemed exceptional to me, then is it so unreasonable to politely ask for confirmation ie. for a little bit of extra slack.

 

Another reason I persevered is that I told her one of the more profound things she's ever likely to hear (I'm not going to repeat it), I was surprised that she'd send me to the dirt after that, and if she married me she'd never have to work again touch wood (only if she didn't want to). But anyhow preserving her sanity is probably more important.

 

> Have you done this with other women or was this stalking of this person a one off ?

 

First woman I ever asked out actually. Trading/gambling tends to take over one's life rather. With a bit of luck have just moved on. Anyhow about time I retired for the evening.

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I highly doubt she reconsidered. And if she blocked you I'm sure she still remembered your contact info. As for the roses??? Um no. If I wanted to get in contact with someone my first thought would not be "oh let me change my cover photo to a picture of roses." You do not know this person. She might have someone in her life. Or she might really like roses. If someone says don't contact them you should respect that.

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It interesting that you all agree with the officer but I still feel you're missing my point.

 

What would you do if somebody approached you anonymously and you at first thought them a nuisance, only to then reconsider, realise you may have misjudged them and would like to speak again after all? Wouldn't you try to send them a message - if you didn't have their contact details any more, wouldn't posting roses to your cover photo be one of the few ways of doing that?

 

That was the basis on which I wrote again. Because it's not as if people post roses to their account every day - it's a 1 in 10,000 chance.

 

Of course no means no. But we are not talking about a physical encounter here, we're talking about a few words on a page, and all I did was politely ask if I could write again. Nothing rude, abusive or threatening. All she had to do was say no to remove any remaining doubt.

 

I hadn't been told no three times at that point - only once (which I'd have heeded but for the roses). I should have realised that she'd blocked me on facebook and it wishful thinking to suppose otherwise, but nevertheless after my rather tentative in my initial email, I just wondered and hadn't yet been told otherwise whether she might have been playing games / testing me / looking for a compliment.

 

I would also add that it's more difficult in online communication to understand exactly what the other party is feeling. In exceptional circumstances, and the roses seemed exceptional to me, then is it so unreasonable to politely ask for confirmation ie. for a little bit of extra slack.

 

Another reason I persevered is that I told her one of the more profound things she's ever likely to hear (I'm not going to repeat it), I was surprised that she'd send me to the dirt after that, and if she married me she'd never have to work again touch wood (only if she didn't want to). But anyhow preserving her sanity is probably more important.

 

> Have you done this with other women or was this stalking of this person a one off ?

 

First woman I ever asked out actually. Trading/gambling tends to take over one's life rather. With a bit of luck have just moved on. Anyhow about time I retired for the evening.

 

Take a look at the two bolded sentences. You think because she changed a photo on her Facebook page that it was directed at you and then conjure up images of being married to her........a lady you met briefly 18 months ago who has had nothing to do with you since.

 

None of us here are "missing the point". I see this for what it is, a man who does not understand boundaries, the word no and has a staggering sense of entitlement. She was right to file a police report.

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It interesting that you all agree with the officer but I still feel you're missing my point.

 

What would you do if somebody approached you anonymously and you at first thought them a nuisance, only to then reconsider, realise you may have misjudged them and would like to speak again after all? Wouldn't you try to send them a message - if you didn't have their contact details any more, wouldn't posting roses to your cover photo be one of the few ways of doing that?

 

No, no I wouldn't.

 

That was the basis on which I wrote again. Because it's not as if people post roses to their account every day - it's a 1 in 10,000 chance.

 

No, it's really not. My cover photo right now is of roses. Last month it was of lavender fields.

 

I hadn't been told no three times at that point - only once (which I'd have heeded but for the roses). I should have realised that she'd blocked me on facebook and it wishful thinking to suppose otherwise, but nevertheless after my rather tentative in my initial email, I just wondered and hadn't yet been told otherwise whether she might have been playing games / testing me / looking for a compliment.

 

No means no. Blocking you meant don't contact her. There's no ambiguity here at all.

 

I would also add that it's more difficult in online communication to understand exactly what the other party is feeling. In exceptional circumstances, and the roses seemed exceptional to me, then is it so unreasonable to politely ask for confirmation ie. for a little bit of extra slack.

 

She made it abundantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with you, yet you continued to contact her. The roses were not exceptional circumstances at all.

 

Another reason I persevered is that I told her one of the more profound things she's ever likely to hear (I'm not going to repeat it), I was surprised that she'd send me to the dirt after that, and if she married me she'd never have to work again touch wood (only if she didn't want to).

 

It must have been something bad if her immediate reaction was to tell you to leave her alone and blocked you.

 

But anyhow preserving her sanity is probably more important.

 

Of course, that's true for everyone.

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It interesting that you all agree with the officer but I still feel you're missing my point.

 

What would you do if somebody approached you anonymously and you at first thought them a nuisance, only to then reconsider, realise you may have misjudged them and would like to speak again after all? Wouldn't you try to send them a message - if you didn't have their contact details any more, wouldn't posting roses to your cover photo be one of the few ways of doing that?

 

That was the basis on which I wrote again. Because it's not as if people post roses to their account every day - it's a 1 in 10,000 chance.

 

Of course no means no. But we are not talking about a physical encounter here, we're talking about a few words on a page, and all I did was politely ask if I could write again. Nothing rude, abusive or threatening. All she had to do was say no to remove any remaining doubt.

 

I hadn't been told no three times at that point - only once (which I'd have heeded but for the roses). I should have realised that she'd blocked me on facebook and it wishful thinking to suppose otherwise, but nevertheless after my rather tentative in my initial email, I just wondered and hadn't yet been told otherwise whether she might have been playing games / testing me / looking for a compliment.

 

I would also add that it's more difficult in online communication to understand exactly what the other party is feeling. In exceptional circumstances, and the roses seemed exceptional to me, then is it so unreasonable to politely ask for confirmation ie. for a little bit of extra slack.

 

Another reason I persevered is that I told her one of the more profound things she's ever likely to hear (I'm not going to repeat it), I was surprised that she'd send me to the dirt after that, and if she married me she'd never have to work again touch wood (only if she didn't want to). But anyhow preserving her sanity is probably more important.

 

> Have you done this with other women or was this stalking of this person a one off ?

 

First woman I ever asked out actually. Trading/gambling tends to take over one's life rather. With a bit of luck have just moved on. Anyhow about time I retired for the evening.

 

No, would not have interpreted the roses as a personal message to me (which you seem to have done). You are projecting your feelings onto the woman and assuming she is responding in kind. She's not.

 

I am surprised, however, that the police have become involved after only three 'nos'. Yes, if the woman blocked you, you should have moved on and not contacted her again. I doubt the police would have become involved at such an early stage though. I think there must be more to this than you are telling us. The police are busy and would not intervene unless they felt a threat was involved (i.e. the person had made a specific threat or something about what they were doing implied a threat).

 

You need to be aware that whatever you are thinking about this woman is probably wrong. She is not reaching out to you. Other people are not attempting to stop you reaching her - she is! If you don't desist, the next step will be that you will be arrested. It's downhill from there on and you will be labelled crazy. Please take a step back now and, if you feel you can't control these feelings, seek psychological help. Keep away from all forms of contact with this woman.

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It's possible that changing her picture to roses was so that you wouldn't be able to look at an actual photo of her anymore. Which means she was probably freaked out by you. That's probably the only scenario where the change of photo would be directed at you.

 

You will never be able to fix this with her. And the only way to redeem yourself from this point forward is to never, ever contact her again. While it's great that you have money and can support a wife, you seem to think this is a way to win someone over who barely knows you. It just doesn't work that way. And sharing very private information with her doesn't mean the two of you are suddenly in collusion with one another, or that you have a private relationship.

 

Whenever anyone ever says to you to never contact them again, you should do just that. If she had a change of heart and didn't have any other way of contacting you, I'm sure her "message" would've been much clearer. You read way too much into things because you're obsessed with her. For most women, obsession is very scary.

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whichwayisup

So what if the picture was of a cat, or a dog, or a different bunch of flowers would you have still thought she was giving you a green light? Look, when a person blocks you and asks you to leave them alone, ONCE is enough. She never reached out and IF she had changed her mind, she would have contacted you..She didn't.

 

 

Another reason I persevered is that I told her one of the more profound things she's ever likely to hear (I'm not going to repeat it), I was surprised that she'd send me to the dirt after that, and if she married me she'd never have to work again touch wood (only if she didn't want to). But anyhow preserving her sanity is probably more important.

 

If you are willing, I'd like to know what you said, what was so profound that made her send you to the dirt.

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I am kinda sad and worried about you

 

You are a stalker and you do not know it (it's like the movie when Bruce Willis don't know he is dead until the end)

 

You should get help before it gets out of hand

 

Why waste a good life being this way..

 

Change is hard at the beginning, but you can get help and change for better.

 

Your mind is playing trick on you, you can't fight it when you are stuck in front of your pc, or smart phone

 

Change your life and get help.

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I'm still trying to wrap my head around how roses translates into please contact me???? Hey contact... and I have a rose in my profile pic! damnit all!

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It was the timing of the roses update just a day after I deleted my profile. The only way she could have enticed me to write again was by sending a message via her profile. I'm not saying I definitely assumed they were meant for me, but that I politely enquired just in case. It was pretty much the only thing that could have happened that would have caused me to write again. But anyhow I take note that I was reading things that weren't there.

 

Also let me say that there are no out of control feelings here, especially following this feedback. While I can’t deny that she has been creeping into my thoughts, I have had no intention whatever of approaching her again and haven’t looked again at her profile. Also I felt all along (or else might even have gone about things more carefully), that a girl like her may be too lively for me – I feel I’ve much work to catch up on and would currently not want to be spending too much time gallivanting / socialising.

 

> The police are busy and would not intervene unless they felt a threat was involved

 

I can see why they wanted to issue one here, but actually they do issue police information notices at the drop of a hat, it means they can claim they’ve done something while having spent a minimum amount of time investigating the allegation.

 

> what was so profound that made her send you to the dirt.

 

It was getting late when I wrote that paragraph, but without repeating exactly what I said, the butterfly effect is a powerful thing eg. An almost entirely different set of people will be alive on the earth a few hundred years from now depending on which side of bed you get out of. I realise that may have contributed to freaking her out and probably wasn't very kind, on the other hand if she had enjoyed philosophical thinking then it may have worked the other way - I just felt like changing up the discussion, and if she was going to say no I wanted her to get on with it... instead she blocked me. Which I should have recognised but this left open some small room for doubt because a) I wondered if she could conceivably alternatively have just temporarily deactivated her account (for potentially even another reason entirely) or b) Been buying time while she ponders / stops me from saying anything even more silly. Particularly given her photo update that followed soon after. I looked up her head tilted body language and discover it “is thought by some to relate to 'sizing up' something”. Again I now realise I had it wrong but there seemed to be just enough doubt that I felt politely following up would not cause the end of the world. Then she finally did say no but the roses appeared and the process repeated. I won't at least be making the same mistake again.

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I trust that wasn't in relation to my butterfly effect remark, it's a point that can be proven very simply.

 

As to the roses, I am not the remotest bit delusional. I accept (particularly after the comments here) that it was most unlikely to have been a message to me. I am simply saying it was not an impossibility - that there was some very small chance that she'd reconsidered and this was the only way she could think to send a message. One that I wanted to just politely rule out given that the alternative of the roses appearing by chance in that few-day window (beyond which I'd never have looked at her profile again) also seemed slim - though I now obviously accept that this was indeed the explanation.

 

PS. Apologies for my choice of username

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It was the timing of the roses update just a day after I deleted my profile. The only way she could have enticed me to write again was by sending a message via her profile. I'm not saying I definitely assumed they were meant for me, but that I politely enquired just in case.

 

However politely you enquired, the bottom line is that you were construing a possibility of some personal messages or invitation being directed towards you when there was really no reason for you to construe that. Especially not since she had already rebuffed you.

 

Also let me say that there are no out of control feelings here, especially following this feedback. While I can’t deny that she has been creeping into my thoughts, I have had no intention whatever of approaching her again and haven’t looked again at her profile. Also I felt all along (or else might even have gone about things more carefully), that a girl like her may be too lively for me – I feel I’ve much work to catch up on and would currently not want to be spending too much time gallivanting / socialising.

 

Whether she's too lively for you, or you lack the time to go off gallivanting isn't really relevant. None of that (her, going gallivanting/socialising with her etc) is on offer to you. She's given you very unambiguous messages that you've gone over the line in your approaches and you must not contact her again.

 

I can see why they wanted to issue one here, but actually they do issue police information notices at the drop of a hat, it means they can claim they’ve done something while having spent a minimum amount of time investigating the allegation.

 

I don't know where you live, but where I live contacting the police would be the first step in what we call an interdict and you likely call a restraining order. They're very easy for a person to get, once they can demonstrate that the police have been involved - and with a power of arrest attached should you break it, that is not something you want to be subject to.

 

 

It was getting late when I wrote that paragraph, but without repeating exactly what I said, the butterfly effect is a powerful thing eg. An almost entirely different set of people will be alive on the earth a few hundred years from now depending on which side of bed you get out of. I realise that may have contributed to freaking her out and probably wasn't very kind, on the other hand if she had enjoyed philosophical thinking then it may have worked the other way - I just felt like changing up the discussion, and if she was going to say no I wanted her to get on with it... instead she blocked me. Which I should have recognised but this left open some small room for doubt because a) I wondered if she could conceivably alternatively have just temporarily deactivated her account (for potentially even another reason entirely) or b) Been buying time while she ponders / stops me from saying anything even more silly. Particularly given her photo update that followed soon after. I looked up her head tilted body language and discover it “is thought by some to relate to 'sizing up' something”. Again I now realise I had it wrong but there seemed to be just enough doubt that I felt politely following up would not cause the end of the world. Then she finally did say no but the roses appeared and the process repeated. I won't at least be making the same mistake again.

 

You didn't make a mistake so much as you completely (and quite deliberately from what I read here) failed to respect somebody else's boundaries and the clear messages they were sent - and only appear to now be accepting the message because the police got involved. Rather than continuing to make excuses for the fact that you continued to contact somebody who had given a clear message of disinterest, you'd be better just making a vow that never again will you question whether "I'm not interested" really means "I'm not interested"... but that you will, instead, take the person at their word and not make further contact with them.

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I'm still trying to wrap my head around how roses translates into please contact me???? Hey contact... and I have a rose in my profile pic! damnit all!

 

I think it's a bit of a feature when people develop unhealthy fixations. That they start to believe that pretty much everything the object of their attentions does is either a personal message sent out to them - or an attempt to get their attention.

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I think it's a bit of a feature when people develop unhealthy fixations. That they start to believe that pretty much everything the object of their attentions does is either a personal message sent out to them - or an attempt to get their attention.

 

How some people think:

 

Yes means yes.

 

Maybe means yes.

 

No means maybe.

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very unambiguous messages

 

One very unambiguous message up to my last message. The police approach counts as a second but obviously I would not dream of writing to her again now.

 

> None of that (her, going gallivanting/socialising with her etc) is on offer to you

 

I don't care, I try to orient my life around doing good, which is more than most people can say. If my social life has to suck (though it should do less so now that I've stopped trading), so be it.

 

> You didn't make a mistake... only appear to now be accepting the message because the police got involved

 

We will agree to disagree. You don't know me and I've invited prejudice by writing under this name (no, not more delusions, I accept that the comments would still have been largely the same), and am now finding it rather depressing writing under this moniker.

Because the fact of the matter is, I never have, and hopefully never will, knowingly harm a fly (ok I'm not a vegetarian but you know what I mean). The involvement of the police was totally irrelevant. If she had confirmed the no herself rather than assuming that I must be a monster and going to the police then I would absolutely have accepted that and frankly the result would have been better I think for all concerned. Now she probably is still wondering if she really has seen the back of me.

 

All I did was send a few messages, and then due to an unusual coincidence, politely asked if I may write again following the 'no'. It was a pretty sick and unfortunate confluence of events whereby the situation got to the point it did.

 

> you'd be better just making a vow that never again will you question whether "I'm not interested" really means "I'm not interested"

 

I don't need to be making any vows. It is not in my nature to mistreat people but on this particular occasion my subconscious prevented the conscious from reaching the right conclusion for a little longer than would normally be the case. But she was never in any danger.

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm taking the fall for every sin committed by man when what I've done is nowhere near as bad as what many others have done. There was no genuine threat or malice. Anyhow I will recalibrate so that this sort of thing will not be happening again, and thanks for your feedback.

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I am surprised, however, that the police have become involved after only three 'nos'. Yes, if the woman blocked you, you should have moved on and not contacted her again. I doubt the police would have become involved at such an early stage though. I think there must be more to this than you are telling us. The police are busy and would not intervene unless they felt a threat was involved (i.e. the person had made a specific threat or something about what they were doing implied a threat).

....

 

She could be involved with the Police Force in some way... either through work or through knowing someone....

 

Either way, if you get a Police Warning, I think it's fair to say you definitely need to sit up and take notice.

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So some chick you met, but had zero interaction with, 18 months ago has a FB page. You create a fake FB page and send her something and she ignores you and blocks you. You then go to LinkedIn and send her another message and she tells you to stop contacting her. This isn't enough for you.

 

The girl then changes her profile picture - to roses, something her boyfriend could have gotten her - and you take that as an invitation to contact her yet again because for whatever reason, you think the roses as a profile picture means she wants to hear from you.

 

I really think you need to see a therapist. You don't see anything wrong with literally stalking someone (who ignored your first message on FB, the blocked you and then told you is LinkedIn to not contact her again..yet you contact her again anyway!! you met in passing 18 months ago.

 

And for whatever reasons, you write to use, and maybe her, how when you are married to her, she wouldn't have to work again!

 

I can only imagine how you handle in person interactions. No means NO. Do not contact me means just that - leave her alone.

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