I don't understand, why..?

[Vices-Virtues]

Hi, my bf n I have been together for 2 years.

From the very beginning he hits n chokes me and still does.

He said he is hits me because I deserve it and he not gonna fix it.

He said that he hits me because I talk about dumb **** such as our relationship and its flaws..

I love him and he loves me. There's time were I say I'm thinking abou leaving and he gets upsets and tells me that I can't and we belong together..

 

Is there anything I can do?

Or at least understand it?

I'm not leaving him.

[MissMoneyPenny]

If he loves you, he must stop this abusive behaviour NOW:

 

*He needs counselling immediately*

*He has to stop this abusive behaviour immediately*

 

He must make an appointment for counselling. He must go to the appointment.

 

No excuses, none!

 

If he is not prepared to do this, you need to make an appointment for counselling for yourself.

[anika99]

If he is not willing to change and you are not willing to leave than nothing is going to change.

 

 

I'd recommend that you seek therapy even if your bf doesn't.

[todreaminblue]

it is written that it takes seven times for a domestic "silence in violence" victim to leave an abusive relationship....this is step one for you writing here......

 

 

you need to leave him if you want the violence to stop......he needs therapy and you need therapy as now you feel you deserve this.....if he isnt willing to change.....then the relationship has got to go.......before you

 

 

die

 

 

thats the harsh reality ...stay like this you will die....maybe not physically ....your body is going to cop hidings though....been there done that......

 

 

you die a spiritual death..an emotional death ...numbness and acceptance creeps in and it stays fro a very long time..........you dont believe in true love anymore...you believe this is normal...it is not......real men dont do this and then expect real women to stay for more.....without stopping the abuse because......real men would get help they would accept that abuse is a problem...real men would show true remorse and actively seek to change their behavior...........whatever they needed they would do it......if he truly loved you he wouldnt abuse you...abuse is never ok....never....repeating again....NEVER

 

you really do need help to see this ....what sort of support network do you have......have you told anyone in real life outside of forums...have you spoken to anyone other than the man who abuses you......dont be silent in violence....it kills.....deb...

Edited November 28, 2014 by todreaminblue

[bathtub-row]

Rest assured that when he kills you, you'll leave him. It won't be a choice.

 

Love is not a reason to stay with someone who abuses you. Your compass is way off. If you're wanting to know why he does these things to you, I can explain it: he enjoys it. He likes putting you down, he likes controlling you, and he likes making you feel bad. You love a man that you think exists. You refuse to acknowledge the monster that he is. If you continue down this path, you'll most likely end up dead. Make no mistake, this is just as much your choice as it is his.

Edited November 28, 2014 by bathtub-row

[stillafool]

If you stay realize that you will age at a very fast pace. How long do you think your face will look good with him punching on it? Your self esteem will be at rock bottom and that is when the abuse will really start because you won't look good to him anymore. You have but one choice and that's to not tell him you are leaving, save your money, make a plan and move out when he's gone. He does not love you but needs someone to take his anger out on and it happens to be you. If you don't make a move 5 years from now you will look like a different person.

[Trimmer]

Hi, my bf n I have been together for 2 years.

From the very beginning he hits n chokes me and still does.

He said he is hits me because I deserve it and he not gonna fix it.

He said that he hits me because I talk about dumb **** such as our relationship and its flaws..

I love him and he loves me. There's time were I say I'm thinking abou leaving and he gets upsets and tells me that I can't and we belong together..

 

Is there anything I can do?

Or at least understand it?

I'm not leaving him.

Can you explain please: why not?

[Vices-Virtues]

I'm not leaving because I love him. Point blank.

He says when he gets angry that it's not him and he can't control it, but he is sorry it happens.

There are people who know and they all think it's a joke. They literally make jokes about it and it's disrespectful. I don't communicate with those people anymore.

When he we argue he will tell me to shut up before he hits me and I keep pushing him , I'll get all sarcastic and b****y and I push him to the point it happens knowing it's gonna happen.

I do it because I feel the need to stand up against what he says because some **** needs to get talked out. After he cools down he is able to talk to me about whatever it was that causes him to hit me.

I have a therapist. I do not tell him what my bf does, because I know what he will say and I'm tired of hearing "you need to leave" " he will kill you"

I rather die by his hands then anything else.

[Zahara]

I'm not leaving because I love him. Point blank.

 

There is no love. My mother would get her face bashed in and cry about loving my father. Having experienced an abusive father and having seen my mother being thrown around, punched, choked, kicked by my father -- in her younger days she was about loving him no matter what. Now at 68, it haunts her everyday that she never had the courage to walk away. Life wasted.

 

I just hope you both never bring children into this world.

 

A man that hurts you physically has no love but more so the love of controlling you and you, the victim, a sick dependence and toxic attachment to your abuser. If anything, he has stripped you down of any sense of value that you now believe being smacked around is all you are good for. And he's also a cheater from you past thread. You have a warped view of what love is.

 

He says when he gets angry that it's not him and he can't control it, but he is sorry it happens.

 

Textbook abuser excuse.

 

There are people who know and they all think it's a joke. They literally make jokes about it and it's disrespectful. I don't communicate with those people anymore.

 

What's disrespectful is you tolerating someone choking you to near death. Your anger is displaced. The person you should not be communicating with is your abuser. If anything, these people are probably appalled and shocked at your lack of self-awareness.

 

When he we argue he will tell me to shut up before he hits me and I keep pushing him , I'll get all sarcastic and b****y and I push him to the point it happens knowing it's gonna happen.

I do it because I feel the need to stand up against what he says because some **** needs to get talked out.

 

Stand up for yourself by leaving him. Strength is not allowing someone to physically, emotionally and mentally tear you down. Talking back isn't standing up for yourself -- that's just you enabling and fueling the dysfunction. There's no strength or courage in that. Your thought process is very skewed.

 

After he cools down he is able to talk to me about whatever it was that causes him to hit me.

 

Means nothing when you find yourself dead one day.

 

I have a therapist. I do not tell him what my bf does, because I know what he will say and I'm tired of hearing "you need to leave" " he will kill you"

I rather die by his hands then anything else.

 

Indicative of someone that has had their self-esteem, sense of value and worth beaten out of them.

 

I'm sorry you feel this is the best that you can do. Therapy requires honesty and the want to change. None of which you choose to do.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Zahara

[Trimmer]

I'm not leaving because I love him. Point blank.

He says when he gets angry that it's not him and he can't control it, but he is sorry it happens.

There are people who know and they all think it's a joke. They literally make jokes about it and it's disrespectful. I don't communicate with those people anymore.

When he we argue he will tell me to shut up before he hits me and I keep pushing him , I'll get all sarcastic and b****y and I push him to the point it happens knowing it's gonna happen.

I do it because I feel the need to stand up against what he says because some **** needs to get talked out. After he cools down he is able to talk to me about whatever it was that causes him to hit me.

I have a therapist. I do not tell him what my bf does, because I know what he will say and I'm tired of hearing "you need to leave" " he will kill you"

So essentially, you are flatly ruling out all of the most pertinent advice that anyone would give in this situation (and which it seems that you already know.)

 

You have a therapist to whom you lie, by withholding information critical to your well-being, because again, you know what the advice will be and you don't want to hear it.

 

You ask "Is there anything I can do?", but you are flatly unwilling to do what is required. What could we possibly tell you?

 

You ask "Or at least understand it?", but even if this were possible to "understand", it wouldn't change anything.

 

I rather die by his hands then anything else.

I say this with sadness and not sarcasm, but the only advice I can offer is that if you have anyone who depends upon you, please get some life insurance so they might be able to separate from this man and make a life apart from him once you are gone, if that comes to pass.

[evanescentworld]

Hi, my bf n I have been together for 2 years.

From the very beginning he hits n chokes me and still does.

He said he is hits me because I deserve it and he not gonna fix it.

He said that he hits me because I talk about dumb **** such as our relationship and its flaws..

I love him and he loves me. There's time were I say I'm thinking abou leaving and he gets upsets and tells me that I can't and we belong together..

 

Is there anything I can do?

Or at least understand it?

I'm not leaving him.

 

Is there anything I can do?

 

No, nothing at all.

You won't do what you HAVE to do, so you just have to put up with it, until either he kills you, or you decide you have had enough.

 

Or at least understand it?

There is nothing to understand.

You live in a self-destructive, violent relationship, in which you contribute willingly and know the result of. What's to understand?

 

The only problem anyone is having, is OUR trying to understand why in fact, you push him to his limits, permit him to hit you and remain knowing it happens again and again. But hey, if that's your bag, and you enjoy it, and you invite it and play into it, why should we understand anything?

 

And I absolutely refute your use and interpretation of the word "love" here.

Please don't insult those of us who are in real, proper, non-violent, non-abusive, respectful and LOVING relationships by even mentioning the word 'love' in connection with him.

 

What you have is indisputably NOT love.

So please don't label it as such.

It's degrading, humiliating, twisted, and despicable.

 

But 'Love'?

 

You have to be kidding me.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not leaving because I love him. Point blank.

 

I have a therapist. I do not tell him what my bf does, because I know what he will say and I'm tired of hearing "you need to leave" " he will kill you"

I rather die by his hands then anything else.

 

Then it's odd as to why you're here writing about this. It sounds like you two are a match made in heaven. He likes to abuse and you're ok with the abuse. And don't say that you're not ok with it because if you weren't, you wouldn't still be there. You make a clear statement by staying in this relationship. Conversely, someone who is 100% against abuse wouldn't stick around for 2 seconds. See the difference? You're also actually ok if you die by his hands. As far as I can tell, there seems to be no problem, really. Stay and be happy. It's none of our business. You're a free agent to choose as you wish.

 

If you're wanting to know what you can do aside from leaving, there isn't anything. I would suggest reading books about abusive people, but then your eyes might be opened when you learn that they all say the same things, that they actually enjoy tormenting others, and they are only remorseful when it serves a purpose. He is 100% broken and unfixable. I tell people all the time that "because I love him" is not a reason to stay. It does not excuse his behavior and is not a reason to stay. You're in true victim mode and you don't want to know the truth about him. Not only that, you don't believe anything anyone says. He's lucky to have found such a willing victim.

 

In case you're wondering, fighting back and knowing you're going to get hit for doing so isn't considered bravery. It's just plain not smart. It's a person who likes to be punished, or who has a deathwish. The only thing I would suggest is to never, ever have children with this guy. That way, no one else is sucked into the twisted mess and that's one or two less screwed up people in this world.

[Trimmer]

The only thing I would suggest is to never, ever have children with this guy. That way, no one else is sucked into the twisted mess and that's one or two less screwed up people in this world.

Given that you have asserted that none of the previous advice is anything that you WILL do, would you please at least consider taking this last bit of advice? Please don't subject someone else - an innocent, new life that depends on you - to this environment.

[Vices-Virtues]

If I give up on him who will be there for him when he needs someone? Who will love him? Who will accept him for who he is? Without me he has no one..

How can I leave someone who has nothing but me??

He talks about how he hates his self and that everythingn is so hard and no one understands him. Why should I leave someone who says they keep thinking of committing suicide??

I just wanted answers on how to understand him and his thinking , not that I need to leave him. I am afraid to leave him because I am scared for what he will do to himself. No one knows what goes on in his head, I barely know. It is so hard to get him to open up.

If I leave him and I find out he kills himself I will blame myself. I would hate myself to the point where I will probably do the same.

 

Can you walk away from a starving puppy alone in the world?

Can you walk away from a baby who has no one?

No you can't and I can't leave him because he is my puppy and my baby.

 

So please quit telling me all these horrible things about staying with him and about him because yall don't know the full story. Everything has been rough for him before I came along and I have helped fix him a bit I just need to understand someone who is so ****ed up in the head so I can help him so he doesn't feel the way he feels.

 

I love him, even if you don't think it is love.

He makes me feel content.

[Michelle ma Belle]

YOU CAN NOT HELP OR CHANGE HIM!

 

You MUST get this through your head. FULL STOP. There is NOTHING you will ever be able to do that will change HIM and his abusive ways. This is HIS issue and until HE acknowledges it and (most importantly) takes FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his actions, the abuse will NEVER STOP.

 

It's clear you KNOW that this is wrong which is why you're not telling your therapist about it. What's the point in going to therapy if you're not going to be completely honest? You might as well light your hard earned money on fire because you'll never heal or improve in your life by holding back such a critical piece of information like the fact your boyfriend is an abuser.

 

I've worked with abused women so I'm speaking from a place of knowledge and experience. This isn't going to end well unfortunately ESPECIALLY since you're telling us that you'd "rather die by his hand than anything else". That is disturbing beyond measure.

 

You don't like the answers you're hearing but that doesn't mean they are wrong. The answer is simple. You need to leave him. If that is NOT what you want to hear and NOT what you're going to do then all I can say is that I will keep you in my prayers.

 

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and that includes you.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[tippydog90]

First off, I read one of your other posts - you are in your teens correct? This is just a perfect way to be introduced to relationships. You have a winner on your hands here.

 

 

First off to answer your question "Who will accept him for who he is". The answer to that is NO ONE, including yourself, should accept him for who he is. What he is, is an angry, controlling, abusive coward who thinks it is OK to smack a woman around. That is unacceptable by any standard. It is also unacceptable for you to tolerate this treatment of yourself. Do you not have any more pride, self respect, or concern for your safety than this?

 

 

Why should you be there for him? He certainly isn't "there for you", unless you consider being hit and otherwise abused some warped version of how he is "there for you" as well.

 

 

It is not your job to fix him, you cannot fix him - he is broken and he has to fix himself, if that is even possible. Perhaps you leaving him will be the motivation he needs to get the help he so desperately needs. You have no obligation to this man, none. You do however have an obligation to yourself - your happiness, your safety and your future. NONE of which you will EVER have with an abusive coward. You might as well kiss your chance of happiness goodbye if you choose to stay by his side. And likely your life as well.

 

 

You need to WAKE up and listen to what people are telling you. This man is not your "puppy" and your "baby" - he is a monster.

[Zahara]

Why should I leave someone who says they keep thinking of committing suicide??

 

My father used to always pull the suicide card. It was a manipulation tactic to make the victim stay. And even if your bf were serious, tell him to check into a facility if he wants change. You can't help him when you can't even help yourself. You can't change him. The only person you can help and change is yourself, and you need it.

 

I just wanted answers on how to understand him and his thinking , not that I need to leave him.

 

No understanding an abuser. It is what it is. You either tolerate being abused or you get out. There is nothing to understand. It would make more sense to figure out your own thinking because it is absolutely messed up.

 

I am afraid to leave him because I am scared for what he will do to himself. No one knows what goes on in his head, I barely know. It is so hard to get him to open up.

If I leave him and I find out he kills himself I will blame myself. I would hate myself to the point where I will probably do the same.

 

The next time he claims suicide, call 911 and have him admitted. You are not responsible for someone devaluing their life.

 

Can you walk away from a starving puppy alone in the world?

 

A starving puppy doesn't choke you and beat you. He's an abuser.

 

Can you walk away from a baby who has no one?

 

A baby doesn't choke you and beat you. He's an abuser.

 

No you can't and I can't leave him because he is my puppy and my baby.

 

No, he's your abuser and you are his victim. There's no romanticizing what you have with him. It's just sick dysfunction.

 

So please quit telling me all these horrible things about staying with him and about him because yall don't know the full story. Everything has been rough for him before I came along and I have helped fix him a bit I just need to understand someone who is so ****ed up in the head so I can help him so he doesn't feel the way he feels.

 

Both of you need fixing.

 

I love him, even if you don't think it is love. He makes me feel content.

 

If a cheater and an abuser makes you feel content, something is very wrong. Your self-esteem is shattered. Your sense of value is depleted.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Zahara

[Allumere]

If I give up on him who will be there for him when he needs someone? Who will love him? Who will accept him for who he is? Without me he has no one..

How can I leave someone who has nothing but me??

He talks about how he hates his self and that everythingn is so hard and no one understands him. Why should I leave someone who says they keep thinking of committing suicide??

I just wanted answers on how to understand him and his thinking , not that I need to leave him. I am afraid to leave him because I am scared for what he will do to himself. No one knows what goes on in his head, I barely know. It is so hard to get him to open up.

If I leave him and I find out he kills himself I will blame myself. I would hate myself to the point where I will probably do the same.

 

Can you walk away from a starving puppy alone in the world?

Can you walk away from a baby who has no one?

No you can't and I can't leave him because he is my puppy and my baby.

 

So please quit telling me all these horrible things about staying with him and about him because yall don't know the full story. Everything has been rough for him before I came along and I have helped fix him a bit I just need to understand someone who is so ****ed up in the head so I can help him so he doesn't feel the way he feels.

 

I love him, even if you don't think it is love.

He makes me feel content.

 

I am going to puke!

 

No one is going to tell you what you want to hear because that would be the WRONG answer. You think you are saving him? No huni, you are are only enabling him. You making excuses for his behavior and wanting to love and protect him has nothing to do with love and everything to so with self-loathing, zero self-esteem and co-dependency. EVERY statement out of your mouth is text book...so no huni, no one here is going to help you understand him. What is there to understand....he is a classic abuser and you are the classic victim. His issues are just that, HIS, and HE needs to deal with them...not you. Trust me, if you leave he will survive just fine...and he'll have another woman he can try and manipulate/beat in a matter of weeks.

 

Trying to compare your situation to a starving puppy or child is ridiculous. Why? Because those are helpless entities that are 100% reliant on others for survival. Your husband is a grown-ass man. He is your puppy and your baby? More like a rabid dog and chucky. WAKE_UP

 

If you aren't giving your counselor the whole story then stop wasting their time...they can't help you because you are lying to them.

[bathtub-row]

There are so many problems here that it's hard to sift through all of them, however, this is what stands out to me based on your last post. Abusers are wonderful actors. They know exactly what to say, how to be believably remorseful, self-effacing, put themselves down, etc. This guy is playing you in the worst way and you don't even see it.

 

Your mental compass is so far off-base that I can only imagine that you must've come from an abusive home yourself. Think about what you're saying -- that if you understand him well enough, then it makes his behavior ok or understandable. There's nothing ok about what he does, and he simply cannot be fixed. Please understand that he does not want to be fixed. No matter what lies he tells you, he doesn't want it. There's a reason why he has no one in his life. You're not responsible for the consequences of his actions.

 

If you really want to understand the abusive mind, read the book "Why Does He Do That?" (Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men) by Lundy Bancroft. He explains the abusive mentality better than anyone. And he's extremely qualified because he has dealt with literally thousands of them. He's a psychologist who worked with abusers who had put their wives or girlfriends in the hospital, or killed them, and were in jail for their actions and ordered by the court to see the psychologist on a weekly basis. He began to notice patterns and how all these guys operate. A word of caution, though, don't let your bf see the book because it will anger him and he may kill you for reading it.

 

As someone else pointed out, a puppy doesn't hit, nor does a baby. A puppy and baby are also basically innocent and defenseless. Big difference between that and your full-grown abuser. There's not a person in the world who will advise you to stay with this guy and if you think we don't understand love, or understand what's driving your thoughts and actions, you're wrong. We understand it better than you do, and we also know that you are completely blind to the type of situation you're in, and blind to the person you're with.

 

I just want you to know this much, no matter what your bf tells you -- he enjoys what he does. It makes him feel powerful. He likes making you feel small, he likes pretending that he's remorseful (real tears and all, right?), he likes keeping you there through threats, and he probably pats himself on the back about how dumb you are to stay with him. I pray that you live long enough to find a healthy relationship where the man actually takes care of himself and protects you. Imagine that.

[beach]

He does it because you allow it.

 

When you leave him (and I hope you will) he will find his next victim.

 

Please know this is not normal. He should not be harming you - harming you is NOT love.

 

Please seek help from a counselor - and hurry.

[Trimmer]

I can't leave him because he is my puppy and my baby.

I'm afraid that your real challenge isn't understanding him, it will be understanding yourself.

 

So please quit telling me all these horrible things about staying with him and about him because yall don't know the full story.

So wait a minute - you would like us to help you understand him, but when we tell you things you don't want to hear, then we don't know the full story?

 

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

[elaine567]

I am actually shocked that you are 17 and in such an abusive relationship, I have read some of your other posts/threads and you are being manipulated both emotionally and physically by a creep who took your anal virginity at 15!!

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/502155-your-first-time-experience/post-6008684.html#post6008684

 

Please get help to get out of this relationship and quick, before he does you serious harm.

[Vices-Virtues]

I am actually shocked that you are 17 and in such an abusive relationship, I have read some of your other posts/threads and you are being manipulated both emotionally and physically by a creep who took your anal virginity at 15!!

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/502155-your-first-time-experience/post-6008684.html#post6008684

 

Please get help to get out of this relationship and quick, before he does you serious harm.

 

Is that a problem? Everyone has sex. Having anal sex with him meant nothing. It was for fun. Vaginal had to wait until we were ready and until I loved him.

[Vices-Virtues]

I'm afraid that your real challenge isn't understanding him, it will be understanding yourself.

 

 

So wait a minute - you would like us to help you understand him, but when we tell you things you don't want to hear, then we don't know the full story?

 

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

 

You guys haven't told me anything to help me understand him. All yall say is "leave him" n "get help"

That's not helping at all. It is frustrating . I asked to help understand not how to get out of the relationship.

[Vices-Virtues]

He does it because you allow it.

 

When you leave him (and I hope you will) he will find his next victim.

 

Please know this is not normal. He should not be harming you - harming you is NOT love.

 

Please seek help from a counselor - and hurry.

 

I don't allow it. I accept it.

When he does it I tell him to stop n think about what he is doing. He won't stop until I leave the scene or until he breaks down.

You act like I just let him hurt me. I don't I restrain. Sometimes I will hit him back but all it does is make it worse.

 

Everyone has those times where they get pissed at someone they love and they gets the urge to hit them. EVERYONE. The only difference is that some people can't hold it back n end up following through with it.