Confessions of a recovering emotional abuser.

[Uhuru]

I am an emotionally abusive man. I happen to be physically attractive, intelligent and charming. For years, I have emotionally abused the women in my life, leading to all the levels of hurt that you can imagine for the poor ladies.

 

Due to my emotional detachment, I never gave a damn I would walk all over one girlfriend on the way to the next, until now, that is.

My most recent break up was not the worst. It was however the most painful on my part because of the following:

 

a. I was the dumpee. She put up with my crap for eight months, crying, fighting depression and even contemplating suicide at times. Three weeks ago, she decided that she'd had enough and finally called it off.

 

b. She moved on into a rebound relationship with my next door neighbour last week (we all live in staff quarters at my workplace). The fellow is a drunk. He has a girlfriend in town who's raising his kid. Since she knows all this, that's why I call it a rebound. Prior to our break up, she would never have imagined dating an attached drunk, let alone one with a kid!

 

c. I think she's contemplating suicide again. She used to be very lively. Now at times she just switches off in public with this gothic look on her face. My colleagues are asking me constantly asking me about it. I can't have that on my conscience.

 

d. For some reason, I have developed very strong feelings for her. I actually miss her!

 

I reacted to the break up by lashing out at her using insults and threats. I belittled her by telling her that she was so desperate to hurt my feelings that she could stoop as low as sleeping with my loser neighbour! Isn't the world full of sober, unattached men?

 

This guy told me over drinks that he was only trying to sleep with her and had no intention of leaving the mother of his kid. We actually laughed about it and I gave him the go ahead since she wasn't mine anymore. He even told me when she gave in to him last Friday. We agreed that I had slept with her faster. (yes, guys do that even as they take up with each other's exes).

 

The girl is headed fast towards depression. This guy is just like me. In different circumstances, we would be the best of friends even. Unlike me, though, he is a cheater.I may be a complete jerk but I've never cheated on any of my other girlfriends. He's basically going to break whatever pieces I left of her soul into powder, then smithereens.

 

Then we're going to meet over drinks again and laugh about it. Or maybe not. I have decided to change my ways even if it requires therapy. There's another co-worker who keeps flirting with me and I think she'll be in my bed before the end of the week. I know it's not a good idea but I'm jealous of my ex and so damn horny. Plus this new girl is super sexy!

 

I think I should wait until I am sufficiently reformed before I pursue this new girl. I'm dealing with a lot of guilt since it's quite obvious that my ex's emotional state is in a complete mess. I have always known how to create emotional dependence with women because it keeps them coming back for more no matter what you do to them.

 

This girl is headed for a complete emotional break down unless she breaks up with this rebound and takes time to heal. I, on the other hand, suffer only from a bit of guilt and a healthy helping of jealousy. This too, shall pass and I fear that we may get together and resume our old abusive relationship.

 

I have demolished her self respect and pushed her into severe depression. I've caused it before and recognize the signs. The break down will come when the new abuser dumps her to go back to his girlfriend as he told me he would. My ex is in total denial and when reality sets in she won't be able to handle it.

 

I have no idea how to stop this runaway train since she won't even talk to me. Her desire to inflict emotional harm on me will be her ultimate undoing. She will lose herself whereas I'll simply forget her, move on and shack up with the sexy new girl.

 

I desperately want to change but I really don't know how.

[M30USA]

If you are an abuser, the greatest good you can do for this woman is to leave her alone.

[Uhuru]

I don't like what I do to women. I just have trouble being alone. I recently recovered from debilitating alcoholism. She inspired and supported me every step of the way.

 

I've sought help. To all the women out there who are only attracted to abusers, you can do so much better than people like me.

[M30USA]

I don't like what I do to women. I just have trouble being alone. I recently recovered from debilitating alcoholism. She inspired and supported me every step of the way.

 

I've sought help. To all the women out there who are only attracted to abusers, you can do so much better than people like me.

 

What steps have you taken to recover from this?

[bathtub-row]

You have a deep-seated need to have power over others, and a great deal of anger and insecurity. It's highly doubtful that you'll ever change because abusers rarely do. You're addicted to the "high" that abuse gives you and you don't want to let it go. It's your drug of choice. There's a part if you that's proud if what you do. I don't like to say that anyone is a lost cause, though, so it's your call.

 

As far as this girl is concerned, if she chooses to self-destruct that's her business. I'm sure she's just sleeping with this other guy in order to make the mental and emotional break from you. I'm sure he's at least a step up. Someday she might even meet a guy who's almost human.

 

As you might've guessed, I have very little sympathy for abusers. You all do this remorseful dance when you've been dumped. If I were this girl who dumped you, I'd never believe another word you said.

 

As far as the new girl that you plan on replacing the old one with (see, your next victim is already lined up), I hope she figures you out before you ever get the chance to do any damage.

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with bathtub. Your language reveals a very tortured and maligned soul. I seriously advise you to get into therapy. The way you describe relationships with people is psychopathic. I'm using that in the strictest medical sense.

 

Please hold off on bringing more victims into your path. Masturbate or pay for escorts until you can sort some of your issues out.

 

I'm sorry. I do not mean to begrudge you. I wish the best for you. Please continue to use LS as a resource. Try to express your frustrations and anxieties here.

[Uhuru]

You're all right. I mostly feel remorse only after the relationship ends because of the realization that she's finally free to move on. You would be shocked at how many men think like me out there.

 

My state of mind is really warped. For some reason, I'm actually glad that she's moved on to another guy who is probably worse than me. She's in a really sorry state. As for the new girl, I've decided to continue with her.

 

I'll try to avoid leading her into the same emotional prison that I've shackled all the others into. I'm disturbed by the fact that hurting women emotionally gives me pleasure.

[Tabitha87]

So, basically you're saying that abusers know full well what they're doing. Being an abuser isn't something that just happens over the course of a relationship??

 

I'm just curious because my recent ex is an abuser, most mentally but there were times he's hurt me such as separating my shoulder when I was shoved into a wall. He's thrown stuff at me out of anger. He's broken a LOT of stuff out of anger etc.

 

I really thought that this was something that just kinda happened as I rarely had stood up for myself. I didn't know people INTENTIONALLY do this. I guess I was just really naive & I've been blaming myself for it having got to that point.

 

The good news is I walked away & will never, EVER go baxk to living that nightmare. I didn't go on a path of self destruction either. Instead, I've been doing things to make my life better such as going back to school to pursue my long time dream of being a nurse. I've been having fun with friends while I still can, before school starts & I've been the happiest I've been in a long time!!

[lollipopspot]

The most good that you could do for her is sending her a letter telling her what you've told us here. Tell her about the other guy. Tell her about how you feel and how you are. She is walking around very naive. You can help her in life by telling her the non-sugar-coated truth. You may save her from something worse.

 

Some people are extremely naive. This can cause them to lose everything, even their lives. You can help her wake up.

[bathtub-row]

I'm actually glad that she's moved on to another guy who is probably worse than me. She's in a really sorry state.

 

I actually think this post is a joke but, just in case it's real, I'm curious as to why you would think that your ex is with a guy who's worse than you. Is that actually possible? From where I'm sitting, it appears that she has moved up in the world.

 

Thank God that you know how all men think. We're now completely enlightened.

 

True justice would be that the new girl is also abusive and you can kick and scream and torture one another...

[Uhuru]

So, basically you're saying that abusers know full well what they're doing. Being an abuser isn't something that just happens over the course of a relationship??

 

Yes ma'am. We're all like that. Most of us just deny the truth to ourselves.

Edited November 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tabitha87]

Yes ma'am. We're all like that. Most of us just deny the truth to ourselves.

 

So, is there a particular type of person that you're "attracted" to because you feel like she'd be more susceptible to abuse, or are people able to do this to most anyone?

 

Like, how do you do it time and time again, to different people? Is there something that sticks out to you for people with certain with particular personality traits? Are you guys just that sneaky and manipulative that anyone can be a victim to the abuse?

Edited November 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pteromom]

The best thing you can do for her is to leave her alone.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to enter into some intensive therapy. You need to learn to let go of the need to control other people.

 

Abusers usually abuse out of a fear of losing the other person, or of the other person hurting them. So they isolate their partner, and then tear down her self-esteem to the point where she is afraid to breathe without your permission.

 

This makes the abuser feel powerful.

 

But really, true power is about acceptance and love and letting go of control.

 

You are currently incapable of doing that because it is all you know. You need to learn a new way to be in the world.

 

By the way - that is also why you don't become attached to women. Because if you are focused on controlling them, you never experience true intimacy with them, where they are open to being vulnerable and sharing their inner selves with you and vice versa.

 

If you aren't ready to go into therapy, go onto Amazon and search for books on letting go of control, anger management, and abuse. Read books from the victim's point of view too. See if you can see yourself in their experiences.

 

The only way you are going to get better is to tear down your current ways of coping and being in a relationship, and start over.

 

If you become better and you still feel the same way about your ex, you can pursue her later. But my guess is that the way you are feeling is less about her, and more about being the "loser" in the relationship. If you had been the one to dump her, I don't believe you would feel the same way.

[Uhuru]

So, is there a particular type of person that you're "attracted" to because you feel like she'd be more susceptible to abuse, or are people able to do this to most anyone?

 

Like, how do you do it time and time again, to different people? Is there something that sticks out to you for people with certain with particular personality traits? Are you guys just that sneaky and manipulative that anyone can be a victim to the abuse?

 

Almost all my girlfriends were the submissive, introverted type who felt as if they had been given the divine purpose of saving me from myself. My ex probably feels the same way about her current damaged boyfriend. However, I have also abused extroverts, two of whom kept coming back even when I'd already replaced them.

 

The thing is, once a woman agrees to sleep with me before two weeks are up, she's done for. I lose all respect for her. I was brought up to believe that a woman should hold back for a while before giving herself to her man. If she can, she should wait until marriage to lose her virginity. I agree that this does not match up with our permissive society but it's a strongly ingrained belief.

 

Upon serious introspection, I've discovered that I psychologically torture women to cover up my deep shame for giving in to my sexual urges so many damned times.

 

The paradox is that I'm very attractive which makes it hard for women to resist my advances for long. This leads to a vicious cycle of loss of respect, abuse, break up, multiple second chances, termination and repeat.

 

Tabitha87, you have the strength to identify and resist men like me. A woman always knows through intuition or whatever. If your intuition tells you that he's a potential abuser, dump him and move on. And screw today's "sexual freedom". The minute you sleep with a man he either loses or gains respect for you depending on what kind of man he is.

 

I have decided to remain celibate for at least six months to focus on my healing and personal growth. I have initiated strict no contact to avoid hurting her again and allow her to heal. Her new relationship with the cheater is none of my business. If she changed me she can change him.

 

Tabitha87, if we were to meet, you would find all these things to be unbelievable. The greatest trick of an abuser is hypocrisy.

Edited November 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[travelbug1996]

You just have a history of dealing with women with low esteem. Find a real woman that won't allow herself to be manipulated and played. In other words, grow up.

 

Please leave this woman alone, you are dangerous to anyone you get involved with. Please get help. This is evil.

Edited November 19, 2014 by travelbug1996

[welyam]

i don't judge you or anything, but you need some medical assistant at least. and if you think you can control your behavior, set yourself away from this girl at the moment.