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Was this assault or not?? I feel violated yet....


petitechick1

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I've been friends with this sweet guy for a year. He is kind, respectful, super nice and easy going. He seemed like the kind of guy who was more chaste I suppose. Well my bro and I had him over for dinner and we had three glasses of wine each over the course of 7 hours. We stayed up late and then finally fell asleep on the floor in front of the t.v. We all shared a big blanket but my bro rolled out. Anyway I was asleep but I very briefly kept waking to what must have been him very slowly running his hands over my body. I kept waking up briefly but then falling asleep. I was pretty out of it(sleep deprived) but then I woke up to his hands up my skirt and in my pantys and he was fingering me. I was so shocked and confused as well as scared to do anything for a moment. My mind was not grasping what was happening as this was SO out of character? I was still waking up to this and by the time I was fully comprehending what was happening I had become very aroused and didn't stop him for a bit. Then I scooted to the side and he stopped. I feel so violated even though it did feel good for a moment. And that's what makes me feel worse. We have never flirted with one another at all either so it was a complete shock to me. Next morning I asked him if he was drunk or something and he said yes but he looked like he was lying and he hadn't appeared drunk in the slightest. I still feel sick to my stomach and he acts like it was nothing, just "yeah I was drunk" and forget about it.

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You didn't consent so yes he technically did violate you and shouldn't get away with it because 'he was drunk'. He should give you an apology and an explanation at the VERY least, you need to demand that from him. And be thankful, drunk or not, that it wasn't worse!

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GorillaTheater

Three glasses of wine over 7 hours? He wasn't drunk, he just wanted to feel you up without your consent. He's a dick.

 

Your options range from a criminal complaint to dating him. What do you want to do?

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I just talked to him and was like do you even remember what happened last night??? He says, no what?? So I tell him. He claims he remembers nothing!! He says he sleep walks. Sounds like b.s. A slim possibility he is telling the truth but he apologized profusely.and if he did that on purpose, feeling me up and fingering me when I'm asleep(!!) that's plain creepy and gross. Not date material.

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at first I thought he was just blowing it off as "oh I was drunk" when I asked him if he had been drunk last night (kind of hinting as to why he did it without bringing it up) but apparently he didn't realize he had done it. That sounds far fetched to me though

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GorillaTheater

I agree. Look, at a minimum I think you need to cut this guy out of your life, but a criminal complaint remains a possibility. How do you feel about that?

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I'll stop being friends with him. I mean I can't trust him now. There is no possible way for me to know whether he is telling the truth or lying. And even if he is telling the truth he has a disturbing disorder of sleep fingering. Who knows what else he would do in his sleep? Perhaps he has dissasociative disorder or split personality which is scary and creepy. Best to keep him far away.

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I can't bring myself to make a complaint with the police though.... Just in case of that 10% possibility he is telling the truth. If he is lying though.... *shudder* if he is, he scares me now.

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Seriously? You sleep next to a guy and you're surprised that he tries to have sex with you? Sorry, I call BS on this. I can fully see how he could've interpreted this as an invitation. He stopped immediately when you made it clear that you didn't want to continue. If you were that protective of yourself, you would not have put yourself in this position in the first place.

 

And in case anyone here interprets my words to mean that I'm saying rape is ok under certain circumstances, I'm not. I'm saying that you put yourself in a position for a guy to think that doing this was ok. This is way different than saying that because you wearing seductive clothing, that you were asking for it. Most women know better than to do what you did. I say take it as a lesson learned and don't do things like this in the future.

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Should I tell my brother I wonder?? Its embarrassing, but I've had the habit of not telling anyone about uncomfortable or embarrassing situations I've had and because I didn't tell anyone it came back and bit me in the butt.

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Its not like we were sharing a bed! It was my brother, him and me and we all just fell asleep in front of the television. We are all three friends! My brother was right there... How many precautions do I have to take?

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Should I tell my brother I wonder?? Its embarrassing, but I've had the habit of not telling anyone about uncomfortable or embarrassing situations I've had and because I didn't tell anyone it came back and bit me in the butt.

 

I say leave it alone and don't do things like this in the future. You do realize that because you were turned on and probably reacting in a positive way, aside from actually sleeping next to him, you gave all kinds of signals that what he was doing was ok. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and stop making such an issue out of it. If you need to, clear the air with this guy if his friendship means anything to you. I'm sure he feels bad knowing that he made you feel bad. But you also need to take some responsibility here too.

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I call B.S on that being an invitation! If I fall asleep on the couch and my buddies are seated across from me on the same couch, its not a sex invitation! I know college kids who are all in a friend group and they'll sometimes crash nap at a hangout or something. Yeah its good to take precautions... Just like girls getting slipped a drug in their drink at a college bar and getting raped. But with close friends you shouldn't have to do that as much with. I trusted him like a brother. Having my actual brother there I assumed is good enough precaution

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Its not like we were sharing a bed! It was my brother, him and me and we all just fell asleep in front of the television. We are all three friends! My brother was right there... How many precautions do I have to take?

 

How many precautions do you have to take? Apparently a lot more than you did that night. Falling asleep next to a guy who's not your brother is a really bad idea. Still, if he had forced you, I could see your point. What I'm saying is that he probably misread your signals, and he backed off right away. This doesn't sound like a bad guy to me.

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I call B.S on that being an invitation! If I fall asleep on the couch and my buddies are seated across from me on the same couch, its not a sex invitation! I know college kids who are all in a friend group and they'll sometimes crash nap at a hangout or something. Yeah its good to take precautions... Just like girls getting slipped a drug in their drink at a college bar and getting raped. But with close friends you shouldn't have to do that as much with. I trusted him like a brother. Having my actual brother there I assumed is good enough precaution

 

I totally understand what you're saying. But I hope you can understand what I'm saying. Drinking and sleep and physical closeness will often add up to sex. Like I said, when you responded in a way that you liked what he was doing, I can see how he misinterpreted that.

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Well you are right about its kinda dumb to have a guy friend sleeping over after Booz its not a smart mix if there is a girl in the picture. But any guy who sticks his hand in a girls privates while she is sleeping is a bad creepy guy. You just dont do that. If a guy is flirting with me and I stick my hands down his pants, its still wrong even if he was flirting first and even if I stopped when he told me to. I am aware that the arrangement was dumb, but the question is, was that assault or not? I've had my answer anyway.

Edited by petitechick1
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Well you are right about its kinda dumb to have a guy friend sleeping over after Booz its not a smart mix if there is a girl in the picture. But any guy who sticks his hand in a girls privates while she is sleeping is a bad creepy guy. You just dont do that. If a guy is flirting with me and I stick my hands down his pants, its still wrong even if he was flirting first and even if I stopped when he told me to. I am aware that the arrangement was dumb, but the question is, was that assault or not? I've had my answer anyway.

 

Right. But what I'm saying is that you may not know what led up to that. Maybe he had been touching you on your neck then waist or whatever. Or maybe you guys were kissing. I don't know. I'm not sure it happened exactly the way you're remembering it because when you slightly woke up, you were liking it. That seems to indicate that something else may have happened that led up to it. Since he's semi-freaking out because of you're reaction, then you'll probably never know. Friends or not, please don't let yourself get into another situation like this again. As far as what to do about it, I've said it before, it doesn't seem to me that he was interested in forcing you. I'd leave it alone.

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Seriously? You sleep next to a guy and you're surprised that he tries to have sex with you? Sorry, I call BS on this. I can fully see how he could've interpreted this as an invitation. He stopped immediately when you made it clear that you didn't want to continue. If you were that protective of yourself, you would not have put yourself in this position in the first place.

 

And in case anyone here interprets my words to mean that I'm saying rape is ok under certain circumstances, I'm not. I'm saying that you put yourself in a position for a guy to think that doing this was ok. This is way different than saying that because you wearing seductive clothing, that you were asking for it. Most women know better than to do what you did. I say take it as a lesson learned and don't do things like this in the future.

 

I'm not sure about you but where I'm from merely falling asleep next to someone is not an invitation for anything.

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todreaminblue
I'll stop being friends with him. I mean I can't trust him now. There is no possible way for me to know whether he is telling the truth or lying. And even if he is telling the truth he has a disturbing disorder of sleep fingering. Who knows what else he would do in his sleep? Perhaps he has dissasociative disorder or split personality which is scary and creepy. Best to keep him far away.

 

i am sorry this happened to you ....people who have diassociative disorders and or "split " personality are governed by the same laws as a "normal " person we dont get a free ride to avoid criminal charges.....and if he has anything or any disorder ...still doesnt give him rights to violate you......or penetrate you with out your consent even if it was fingers its still penetrating

 

you feel violated.......seek professional advice.....is my advice to you.....he has however apologized and if a non friendship and an apology is enough .....then i wish you well.

 

not all people who have disorders are creepy and scary....he might actually be totally normal and using it is an excuse which sort of sucks and goes to show so called normal people can and do....suck.....deb

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YOU said when you wake he was rubbing his hands over your body?? SOOOO why did you not move away that instant?? By staying there for it to continue to where it ended thats mean " you loved it" . You should had jumped out of your covers and say " yo watch it, you are touching me" your brother will hear that ... and he would not be comming over ur house anymore. so guess what you left him an invitation to your self everytime he comes. Enjoy!!

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Maybe another way to put this is to say that I think it's too much of a gray area to make an issue of it.

 

Nope, there's no grey and Petitechick can make as much an issue out of it as she likes.

 

This happened to me once when I fell alseep round a female friend's place. I woke up to find her hands down my trousers. It is the only time I have used force against a woman. ,She was shoved across the room and told never to come anywhere near me again.

 

You don't feel up people who are asleep. It's as black and white as it gets. If it's your partner and you know they don't mind it's different as you already have permission. Friends, strangers, a date, that's a serious breach of trust and the crossing of a boundary that can expect a serious reaction.

 

Petitechick, this man is not someone to be trusted. That's some dark behavior on his part and he crossed a line that a worthwhile person would get nowhere near.

Edited by Snaggletooth
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YOU said when you wake he was rubbing his hands over your body?? SOOOO why did you not move away that instant?? By staying there for it to continue to where it ended thats mean " you loved it" . You should had jumped out of your covers and say " yo watch it, you are touching me" your brother will hear that ... and he would not be comming over ur house anymore. so guess what you left him an invitation to your self everytime he comes. Enjoy!!

 

What a bunch of total BS.. agreed she should have stopped him at that point ive been exhausted as well and sleep deprived but If I wasn't interested in a guy touching me ide still have stopped him in his tracks right there! that part I agree with.

 

How ever I don't believe what happened was totally on the OP it sounds like they all fell asleep in a communal area of the house in front of the tv not like she took this dude into her bed? I don't know what she was wearing but ide hope something modest.

 

Imo they are both some what at fault OP should have stopped him sooner but he shouldn't have ogled a unconscious female thats asking for trouble! Eather way regardless in no way is what happened a invitation for him to continue it every time he comes over the OPs house thats the total BS part here...

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first of all since she did not reject from the starting ... he would atempt to try do things again and again with excuses for each attempt. she should tell her brother!!!! well of cource that would not happen lol

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seekingpeaceinlove

That's an odd situation.

 

By no means do I advise you to do this but if it were me, I would have another sleep over and if he started feeling me up again I'd turn over and punch him in his face.

 

The guy knew what he was doing but it's impossible to prove that, right?

 

Stay away from him.

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