Do some abused women prefer dominant men?

[spiderowl]

I'm concerned about a friend of mine who has been in several abusive relationships. She is now in a seriously abusive relationship but seems oblivious to others' concerns.

 

Are there some women who prefer a dominant guy but then end up getting locked into a relationship with a guy who is dominant but abusive as well? I can't understand why she isn't getting out of this and how it could happen several times. She's a confident attractive woman normally. None of this makes sense unless she actually prefers a more dominant man to the extent that she fails to see the inherent danger in that. I'm not suggesting she prefers to be beaten, but maybe that's what very dominant guys end up doing and then the woman is trapped.

[bathtub-row]

It has nothing to do with a dominant guy. It has to do with her self-esteem, expectations, beliefs, and experiences. She probably grew up around abuse and it's her definition of love, or she thinks that's all she'll ever have in life, that's all she deserves, or that's how relationships are. She has the expectation of abuse, so she attracts that type of relationship. Even if she didn't grow up with abuse, for some reason, she thinks very little of herself. No one with high self-esteem will tolerate abuse. It's demeaning, stressful, heartbreaking and soul-destroying. Only a person who believes they deserve that kind of life would willingly walk into it, and stay in it.

 

I once dated a guy who was abusive. I dropped him very quickly. Then 6 mos later, I dated another guy kind of like that and ended up marrying him. He had traits of abuse but it really kicked in when we married. The marriage didn't last long. I was in my late 30's at the time and, up until then, I never experienced abuse of any kind. When I think back on that phase of my life, I often wonder what happened to me that caused me to attract these kinds of people. I have some theories about it but nothing clear cut. I haven't ever been around guys like that since that phase, nor will I ever be again.

 

Your friend is caught in a cycle and until she changes her expectations, nothing around her will change. It will take her reaching the point where she no longer thinks abuse should be a part of her life, and that she will no longer tolerate it.

 

For your part, stay friends with her. Abusers love to isolate their victims. This is a very effective method because the victim becomes solely focused on the abuser. Don't let her lose herself.

[angie2443]

Most abusive men do not abuse their partner in the beginning of the relationship. This would make no sense. How could you get a partner if you treated them like crap on the first date?

 

What most abusive men do, is wait until they get some sort of emotional commitment from the woman, maybe she falls in love, maybe they move in together, maybe she becomes pregnant, and so on. Then the abuse starts comming out, little by little.

 

When it does come out, it can be very confussing for the other partner because they don't know why the abuse is not comming out. Often, the partner on the recieving end of the abuse is doing mental backflips, trying to figure out what changed for their partner. It can be hard to grasp that the abusive person was that way from the beginning. They were just waiting for the right moment to let the abuse out.

 

If high school students were taught how abuse really works, it would, IMO, save a lot of people from getting caught in these mind destroying, abusive relationships.

[angie2443]

It has nothing to do with a dominant guy. It has to do with her self-esteem, expectations, beliefs, and experiences. .

 

I wanted to touch on this part. Some women do get into these over and over because of low self-esteem. Many more women, however, do not enter another abusive relationship once they get out of their first one. Many women who do enter into a relationship with an abusive person have good self-esteem in the beginning. They are simply bieng tricked by a good actor. Once they find out what is going out, they leave and chalk up the experience to bieng with a jerk.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with both of angie's posts.

 

I have only once experienced a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship.

 

He was perfect partner material in the beginning. Very charming and everyone seemed to like him.

 

It was just before I was about to fall for him that little things here and there began to come out and show up about his true beliefs and nature.

I think he gauged my levels of attached-ness incorrectly and I think he would have stemmed his real behaviour for longer had he realised he was being himself too quick.

 

I had never experienced anything like his behaviour before but it was all such petty tiny things I thought he was just being a bit odd and would even out.

 

It didn't.

It progressively got worse.

 

I was fascinated to a degree by his strange outbursts of what I was doing wrong every few days.

 

Anyway, I tried to end it in December, got talked around.

 

I eventually ended it in April after a weekend where we had an argument about this very subject - his controlling behaviour - that row ended in him raising his hand and me running and locking myself in the downstairs toilet.

It only took 7 months to get to this stage.

 

He wasn't ever physically abusive in terms of hitting me. I don't know that he would have done when he raised his hand that night.

 

Thinking back though there were other things that happened which could be labelled physical abuse.

 

I'm an independent, working woman and am pretty confident in myself. I have a place of my own (mortgaged) and support myself. I am pretty self aware and I am very aware of things that I have done towards relationships not having worked.

He was 2 years younger (he was 42), still living at home with his parents and called all of his ex's psycho's - anything that had gone wrong in his life was either his ex's faults or his family's fault.

 

 

I absolutely take blame and responsibility upon myself forgetting involved with this guy.

I brushed instincts under the carpet - but honestly some were such tiny little things that they just didn't seem relevant nor significant at all. I now know that they were all very significant and tiny little things are no excuse to ignore an instinct.

I've learned a whole lot since then and won't get into a situation like that again.

[spiderowl]

Thanks all, I am at a loss to understand this situation. I would not say this woman had low self esteem, really. She seems to find her home life more interesting than other areas of her life. I thought this may be because it was a controlling relationship but I'm really sensing an element of choice here. The abuse started before they moved in together so the warning signs were there from early on. I can understand it creeping up on someone but if you knew what they were like before you moved in, then why do it?

 

Just something seems off here and doesn't make sense. I'm not getting the impression she wants out, not at all, but could this be denial? Surely anyone in their right mind would recognise their situation, unless there was a mental health issue as well?