spiderowl Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 If a woman was in a relationship that become abusive then she moves out for that reason, why would she still see the guy? That doesn't seem a good idea to me, even if they are just seeing each other as friends. He's visiting her and so on. What do you think? Has anyone come across this before? Has it worked? Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 If a woman was in a relationship that become abusive then she moves out for that reason, why would she still see the guy? That doesn't seem a good idea to me, even if they are just seeing each other as friends. He's visiting her and so on. What do you think? Has anyone come across this before? Has it worked? Doesn't sound smart. Perhaps she's hoping he will change. Abusers never change unless God intervenes supernaturally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 I don't know. I haven't heard of this before. Does anyone know if it is commonplace? What's the point of separating if you then see the abuser? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 My mother did this. She would move out of their house, start talking/seeing her abuser and then would move back in. Rinse and repeat. Whoever they are, they're still in the cycle. They may not live together but she hasn't left. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
good2know Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) If a woman was in a relationship that become abusive then she moves out for that reason, why would she still see the guy? She would still see the guy because she doesn't know better. The better option is to cut all contact and move on. But people don't because they are secretly hoping the abuser will change, and by ending the relationship, they've taught them a lesson that will initiate change. It doesn't. The abuser will only change temporarily. Sometimes it's codependency. And/or a type of push/pull power dynamic as well (this is a link to a good website regarding this cycle). Another website here as well. And here. Edited September 28, 2014 by good2know Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Thanks good2know. I'm really concerned about this woman. She's changed so much recently and seems really run down healthwise and in a strange place mentally. He is visiting her home at least once a day. If someone beat you up before you split, then why would they stop because you are living in a different place. Isn't seeing him making her just as vulnerable? Has anyone any experience of how abusers treat their partners if the partners have moved out? Do some get more respectful? I know it can be a very dangerous situation for some women to actually make the move but what about afterwards? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
good2know Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Yes, they get more respectful for a bit. They do anything they need to, for a bit - until they are able to get back in good graces and move back in. I'm not sure what you can do for this woman, other than give her reading material on the internet or books on abuse, and/or point her towards support groups for Codependency and/or Abuse and/or Domestic Violence, and offer to go with her. She may need a support system and not have one or anyone to lean on or talk to. That counts for ALOT in these situations, having people to talk to, who have been through something similar. Let's think of some books you can get for her. And, can you Google some support groups in the area? Are you close to some kind of city, or far out in the middle of no where? There are some on-line meet up groups as well. Link to post Share on other sites
good2know Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) Ok I just googled, here's a few options, especially if she isn't near a city that has face to face meeting groups, or can't afford to drive out to such group. I hope she has a computer or internet, or access to - UK based women's aid, may have resources or pointers Online Codependency Group Option # 1 Another option Breakup support Another option Abuse Education This is a bit interesting This as well another option again How to find groups, suggestions Recovery place Edited September 28, 2014 by good2know Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Ah, thank you for all the trouble you've gone to. It's much appreciated. I know this woman a bit but not enough to talk to her about these things. We have a sort of professional relationship only. I understand that there are other people involved and that they have supported her in moving out. I'm not that close to her. I feel she's in a strange place mentally, maybe in denial. I did reach out to her at one point but she pretended not to notice, so I think there's little I can do. I just know something is very wrong and wonder how it is possible to help if the person does not acknowledge they are doing something risky. Link to post Share on other sites
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