Abuse on the honeymoon

[LemonadeGirl]

Before I share the story, I would like to note that I am in individual counseling right now and I am divorcing him. However, I am deeply traumatized by what happened and I’m searching for answers- why did this happen, how can somebody become so mean so fast? Why did this nasty side come out so soon after the wedding?

 

My story- We were married and had a beautiful wedding, ready to start our lives together by confessing our love in front of friends and family. After the wedding, we got ready for our honeymoon to Disney World and Orlando, FL the next week. We were both so happy and on top of the world. Life was looking perfect. I could not have imagined how horribly awful things were about to become. Day One of the honeymoon was where the worst of him came out. Day One of the honeymoon was the beginning of the end.

 

We had spent a full day at a theme park and had a great time. Came back to the hotel, had some good honeymoon sex and were relaxing and talking as we were winding down for bedtime. As we lay on the bed talking, he brought up how thrilled he was that we had Flash passes to skip all the lines. He said that, “This is the kind of life I want to live! I want to get ahead in life, not wait in line like those poor, stupid people.” He went on to brag about skipping the lines while putting down those who didn’t have passes-saying they couldn’t afford the tickets, how poor/stupid they were. I responded by saying, “You know, I kind of felt bad for those people waiting in line. It did not look fun at all to wait in line for hours just to go on one ride.” Little did I know how much anger my words would inspire.

 

He immediately became defensive and said I was siding with “the enemy” over him. I apologized for upsetting him and said I didn’t really mean it, but he said I didn’t take back what I said fast enough. He then went into a berserk rage where he threatened to hit me. He called me weak when I began to cry and said that unless I calmed him down, he was going to throw the lamp into the TV and then jump out the window. He said he wanted to punch me in the face and if I didn’t calm him down, he was going to hurt me. He said I was weak and pathetic that I didn’t know how to talk someone down from a rage. He saw my purse on the bed and threw it at the window. My phone was inside my purse and the glass shattered. After I rubbed his back and said enough nice things to him, he calmed down. He told me he was so sorry, didn’t know how he could be so abusive, promised when we got home he would do all this work on himself to get better.

 

Needless to say, the rest of the honeymoon was one of the worst times of my life. Sitting across the table from someone who had such violent thoughts about hurting you was so frightening. I was in shock and tried my best to enjoy the rest of the vacation, despite what he had done. But the damage was done and I couldn’t believe who I had married.

 

I stuck it out for 2 more months and the threats and abuse continued. The verbal abuse was so awful. I was a c***, a b****. He told me I “made him want to be abusive.” He told me I was only good for 2 things- he said I worked a job, and I slept with him. But beyond that, “there’s nothing I can think of. There’s really only 2 things that you do for me.” He was not even sorry for what he did. He said that I was evil, “worse than Satan himself.” He said my expectations of a man were unreasonable (I said I wanted a guy who worked a job, contributed to the house chores, and treated me with respect. Really setting the bar high, huh?)

 

When he threatened my life and had another abusive episode, I got out. But I can’t believe how much damage he did to me in such a short time. I doubt myself and my own judgment and my self-esteem is in the toilet. I feel like the biggest fool on Earth and so ashamed. I can’t believe my marriage is lasting such a short time.

 

Everyone I have talked to has been 100% supportive of me leaving. Every family member, friend, acquaintance, family friend has said that I did the right thing to get out and they are so glad I left before he really hurt me, put me in the hospital, or killed me. But I feel broken inside and a complete mess. I could really use some support in my decision to leave. I can’t believe this is how my marriage has turned out.

[Poppyolive]

Lemonade girl. I'm sorry this has happened. I'm so happy to hear you're leaving his sorry arse. I have a few questions; how old are you both? How long have you been together? Have you seen any red flags or episodes before the honeymoon?

 

He is completely sick. I wonder did he bottle it all up until you got married?

 

Don't see it as a failure. Please . just be proud you will leave now, not endure any more. The words he says are completely messed up. It is all within him, he mist have so much disgust with himself. Leaving him is the best option. Without a doubt. You will be OK. Take care of your heart & surround yourself with loving friends & family.

 

Something that helped me in my past relationship with an alcoholic (I didn't know he was) was my dearest friends saying he fought for so long to keep it together....now the mask is off. This is the real him. <<<<<< this floored me. But I needed to hear it. However turbulent relationship was and his promises to get help, sorry, give me time, ilk get better.... Bka bla. it just got worse, until it got terribly sickining. That's when those words rung loudly. The mask is off. You are not to blame and not to have known. Pick yourself up and be greatful yo'no nutter!!!

[amaysngrace]

You're so lucky that you got out of there before you had a child with him.

 

All those bad things he was saying was just him projecting how he feels about himself deep down inside. This isn't about you...he didn't treat you badly because you're you and he will treat any woman just the same. Please don't take it personally and be proud of yourself for having enough self respect to leave! Believe me you're in a much better place than a lot of people who stick around for years and years waiting for that perfect partner to return. They never do.

 

Chin up!

[2sunny]

I'm glad you've decided you deserve better than this.

 

For anyone out there that might benefit from your story - were there any warning signs while you were dating? I'm hoping you can help others with your experience.

 

I'm glad you're getting professional help.

[Ronni_W]

I doubt myself and my own judgment and my self-esteem is in the toilet.

Although I get that it feels that way right now, your judgment seems solid enough, really. Poor judgment would be keeping yourself stuck in this horrible situation for any of the dozens of reasons that people with bad judgment and lesser self-esteem would come up with to stay.

 

By leaving now, you are displaying, role-modeling extremely good judgement and high self-esteem

I feel like the biggest fool on Earth and so ashamed. I can’t believe my marriage is lasting such a short time.

I get that part also. Any shame belongs to him, and to him alone. The length of your marriage is not anything related to your own abilities, strengths, values, integrity...all of those things are still 100% intact.

 

If there were small warning signs that you ignored along the way, then it's difficult to not feel a little foolish at this point. But perhaps it is also that you're compassionate and understanding that all people have failings and make mistakes.

 

If you ignored big, obvious signs that he is so deranged...then all you really can do is to show yourself some of that compassion and understanding and forgiveness. Hopefully with a little time and distance, that 'inner voice' telling you that you're a big fool will come to realize that you're not at all that. A big fool (or the biggest one on Earth) would NOT be doing what you're doing; would have stayed in an abusive, soul-destroying situation.

 

LemonadeGirl, you are the OPPOSITE of a fool for standing up for yourself and for love and for what you want, need and deserve in life. There is nothing at all to be ashamed of in that.

 

Big hugs.

[LemonadeGirl]

Thanks for the kind words. I am so glad I am out of there and we did not have any children. No kids, no house, nothing to complicate the divorce. I know I am very lucky. As bad as it was, I am lucky enough to move on with my life without worrying over shared custody or anything else.

 

To answer some questions, I am 23 and he is 22. We dated for 2 years before marriage, and lived together for 1 year. He never had an abusive episode like he did after marriage. My parents both told me he never even showed any signs of anger around them, not once. His parents are shocked at his behavior.

 

If I had to point to any red flags before the wedding, I would say that it would be his abusive childhood. He was abused as a child, physically and emotionally, and I thought it was something that bonded the two of us. I thought he had been dealt a bad hand in life with his upbringing and thought he was really ready to move on to a better life. However, he had a lot of unresolved anger and emotions about his childhood that may have contributed. He also had a tendency to blame others for his problems, and thought his parents didn't do enough for him. At the time, I thought his feelings about his parents were justified. However, I do think he may have been using it as an excuse to not get his life together and move forward as an adult.

 

He did apply some pressure for us to move faster in the relationship than I wanted. At the time, I thought he really was into me and it was because he was in love that he fell so fast. In hindsight, I wonder if he wanted the commitment so if he slipped up and showed who he really was, that I would be married and couldn't leave. But still, we did date for 2 years, so it wasn't a quick marriage.

 

He was never jealous of time spent with other people or the opposite sex, so that wasn't an issue. He did not restrict my time with others and he didn't try and isolate me from friends or family.

 

He never threatened violence while dating and never broke things in front of me. He made friends where he went and people really liked him. I did notice though that after marriage, people didn't seem to like him so much anymore. I think he broke inside and people saw the negative, angry vibe coming from him.

[Zahara]

I can’t believe this is how my marriage has turned out.

 

Better your marriage turning out this way than you ending up dead one day.

 

You're making the right decision. Having experienced abuse, they only get worse. Their behavior has nothing to do with you. It doesn't define who you are. DO NOT allow a dysfunctional and disordered person to diminish you.

 

I hope you move forward with your divorce and make every effort to find the help you need to mentally and emotionally get past this.

[Missy0724]

Wow - this sounds like one of my best girlfriend's relationship/marriage. Same thing...big, fancy, happy wedding in Jamaica. Then once he "had" her, he became possessive, demanding, aggressive sex, abusive, controlling, etc.

 

She stayed for YEARS. Until she couldn't take it anymore; they had a 10 year old son. She called the cops one night, when he so out of control, she had to lock herself in the bedroom. She never looked back. Filed for divorce, moved out, made a new life for herself and her son. She is an incredible, strong woman. Went thru so much ****, abuse. He still tries to control her, manipulate, with child support, bypassing the system with "contract jobs", "unemployment", etc. to avoid paying child support. A true dead beat dad. LOSER.

 

But she is so positive - works so hard to support herself and her son. Even when he doesn't pay child support, while waiting for the system "to catch up".

 

She had the courage to LEAVE. Even though her life is a struggle now, financially. So worth it. To be free of that monster, who tried to control her, beat her down, make her feel worthless. She is now MY hero. Incredible, strong woman, who I have SO much respect for. Because she respects HERSELF. :-)

[Poppyolive]

Thanks for sharing, in sure it will help others in here.

 

It is super bizzare and I bet you are shocked, thinking back through times together... He's obviously a very sick, tortured soul...so you stayed 2 months, did it become a cycle of blowouts, apologies & sweetness?

 

Its so sad, so sad that his way of thinking is tainted with anger, abuse & nastiness. Its crazy that he survived this long hiding away his true self.... Who does that?

 

Onward & upward friend!

[bathtub-row]

It sounds like you've gotten lots of support from everyone around you, and I'm really relieved to hear that. I think it's you who's beating yourself up at this stage but that's understandable because you're still in shock and disbelief.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you but you're not at all responsible. I hope you'll come to understand this some day soon. I know you have a lot of questions and it'll be hard to grasp what happened because you don't think like these kinds of people. They're a breed all their own. Probably the one book that turned things around for me in terms of getting answers to the "why" questions was a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. The author dealt with thousands of men like this and he drew some astounding conclusions. I really recommend that you order this book and read it.

 

I really admire you for recognizing this situation for what it is and getting out as quickly as you have. I know you're stunned and heartbroken and feel completely blindsided -- but there are a lot of people who stay in relationships like this for years and years. You are really special in how you have responded to this. I know you don't think so but you are. The man you married is a horrible individual, despite whatever good qualities he may have, and I hope you never encounter his type again.

 

Please stay in touch on this site so that we can know you're ok and hopefully help you in some way. Hugs.

[LuckyLady13]

LemonadeGirl, I had something like this happen to me years ago. Luckily it happened at the stage when we moved in together. He thought, like your (soon to be ex) husband, that he "had" me. He kept his true personality under wraps in the entire beginning. I knew he was quiet and thought that was alright. Little did I know what was going through his head was insane violent thoughts and rage! Couldn't tell by the look on his face. I swear to you!

 

So once he thought he had me and I wasn't going anywhere, it was like a switch flipped on and all this crazy came flying out! I admit, his mother was mentally and emotionally abusive but the things he did? Blew his moms abuse out of the water! He was like his mother, only on steroids.

 

I was in total shock at the things he did in just a few DAYS.

 

And the things I found out?? First and biggest - I found out his mother was funneling money into a bank account for him despite him having a full time job. They had a sick, strange relationship. I think he felt taking her money was a way to get revenge for the abuse he endured from her.

 

I looked back over the situation hundreds of times by now wondering what in the world did I miss? Nothing! He was so quiet before all this without giving any hints as to what went through his mind, acted polite, funny and...SANE. I got snowed.

 

Don't feel bad for him, LemonadeGirl. Someone who is abused knows how it feels and would never do it to someone they care about but they have to be capable of caring in the first place and this guy couldn't care less to.

 

People do deal with being abused in different ways. This Jekyll/Hyde ex I mentioned? He was taking out on me the abuse from his mother and eluded to that during fits of rage a few times. He had no interest in caring about anyone. He was too busy occupying himself with trying to find people to throw his anger/rage onto for revenge purposes. Made him feel like this omnipotent, larger than life, powerful person and gave him a twisted version of self-esteem.

 

I still can get angry to this day if I think about how well he kept all these sick, twisted thoughts under wraps like that because it must have nearly sucked the life out of him the whole time but obviously, as with your (soon to be ex) husband, he knew if anybody saw this side of him sooner, he'd be disliked or hated and dumped.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know what it feels like. Questioning yourself up and down wondering how in the world you could possibly have missed this coming because it's so drastic. There must have been signs all over the place you ignored or didn't want to see, right? No! Not always the case. Some people are just that adamant about hiding it until they think the right time has shown up.

 

No, 2 years isn't a fast marriage but the fact that he was the one pushing it? He was starting to break...and knew he couldn't hide his true self much longer. It was getting too hard to keep up on.

 

Do you know if you can get an annulment? It would be better than a divorce under the circumstances and a few bucks to a lawyer would be well worth it for you. Fraud and dishonesty are reason enough for an annulment in certain states in the US and I'm pretty sure you can get a lawyer to present this situation to the court as such.

 

Keep your chin up. Some people are really that deceitful, sneaky and twisted. You're getting out with yourself mostly intact and being this was so fast, you will get over it and grow as a person and find a great, loving person to be with in the future who you will SO APPRECIATE after this.

 

If this guy stalks you, call the police immediately and report it. Guys like this don't take well to being shut down. Please be careful and take care of yourself. I'm glad you have people around you who can help you do that.

[bathtub-row]

Abusers typically turn up the heat when they feel they have their victim in a compromising situation. Usually marriage, moving into a new home, or traveling are the big ones. Travel is a big one because they have you away from your normal environment and it's harder for you to escape the situation.

 

Marriage is another favorite of theirs because they know most people are too ashamed or afraid to leave a marriage. They bank on a person's natural inclination toward trust, loyalty and fulfilling their promises. This is one reason why Lemonade is feeling the things she feels -- she was planning to share her life with someone and, instead, encountered an unlivable situation. Even as bad as it was, every instinct she has tells her to stay and that somehow she did something wrong. This is how they play on a person's emotions and how they trap people for long periods of time. It's worse when a person has no support from her friends or family. You can imagine how lost and afraid these women feel. It's very, very sad.

 

I saw red flags when I dated my now ex but I had no idea what he was capable of until we married. Then when we bought a home together, it was all out war. The marriage was short-lived.

 

Lemonade, you're going to fine someday. You really will. And as bad as your experience was, just remember that you'll heal someday, while your future ex never will. He'll create horror wherever he goes.

[LemonadeGirl]

(shortened)

 

LuckyLady, your post really strikes home with me. It is so insane to think you could interact with someone like your ex day after day, enjoy time together, think you're getting to know him, and you move in and then BAM! You find out he had these dark, violent thoughts the whole time. To people who aren't violent, we just can't imagine it!! I have never once wanted to hurt somebody or cause pain. That kind of thinking that an abuser has just seems inconceivable- why would you hurt someone you love? Why would you use violence to accomplish it?

 

bathtub-row - Wow, you sound like you had a rough time of it too with your ex! Reading up on abusers, they are capable of so much manipulation and causing so much pain, and all the while they justify it to themselves. I'm glad it sounds like you got out. What made you decide to leave?

 

After the first honeymoon incident, I started researching abuse like crazy while he was sleeping. "Why Does He Do That" looked to be highly recommended so I ordered it right away and read it the day it arrived. It definitely helped clear my head. The book helped show how calculating abuse is, and dispelled the myths it was not.

 

My ex was so helpless seeming and sorry for what he had done, that I thought he didn't match abuse criteria. I thought abusers were heartless and mean all the time. But reading that book, I realized this situation was no different or likely to get better than any other abusive situation. The tears and vulnerability was just another manipulation tactic.

[whichwayisup]

You're very brave and strong. Thank god you've left him.

 

He fooled you, he's fooled everybody. Even his own parents.

 

Get some counseling in so this doesn't ruin you.

[bathtub-row]

bathtub-row - Wow, you sound like you had a rough time of it too with your ex! Reading up on abusers, they are capable of so much manipulation and causing so much pain, and all the while they justify it to themselves. I'm glad it sounds like you got out. What made you decide to leave?

 

After the first honeymoon incident, I started researching abuse like crazy while he was sleeping. "Why Does He Do That" looked to be highly recommended so I ordered it right away and read it the day it arrived. It definitely helped clear my head. The book helped show how calculating abuse is, and dispelled the myths it was not.

 

My ex was so helpless seeming and sorry for what he had done, that I thought he didn't match abuse criteria. I thought abusers were heartless and mean all the time. But reading that book, I realized this situation was no different or likely to get better than any other abusive situation. The tears and vulnerability was just another manipulation tactic.

 

What struck me the most in that book was when the author pointed out that even the good times were a part of the abuse because even that is a tactic. They know they can't abuse someone 100% of the time, so they throw in the good times to add to the confusion. Plus, the abused person is always walking on eggshells because they know that the abuser is going to turn on them again. They just don't know what's going to cause him to show his fangs again.

 

What made me decide to leave? Our marriage was sunk. In my heart, I knew I within a couple of weeks. We were separated within a year. Then we attempted to get back together and that fell apart, too. During that time, both my parents became ill and died within days of one another. There was about a 2-wk period where my life was turned upside down while worrying about them and taking care of them. They were in two different hospitals and me and my sisters were going back and forth constantly. It was a really horrible time. What did my husband do during this time? Instead of being in my corner and being supportive like my sister's husbands were being, he threw a fit because I wasn't paying enough attention to him; not to mention all the other horrible and insensitive things he said and did during this time.

 

After my parents died, I let myself grieve and then put plans in motion to leave my husband. I got an apartment without him knowing about it and after a really bad fight one night, I called the apartments the next day and asked if I could move in early. They said yes so I called the movers and moved to my new place. My son had been at his dad's house the night before and I told my him to go to his friends house after school and that I'd let him know what was going on. My son hated my ex so there was no love lost there.

 

I later told my ex that I would never, ever forgive him for the way he acted while my parents were sick; and that he could take it to his grave that his behavior truly was unforgivable. When I purchased a house several months later, our divorce still wasn't finalized so my ex showed up at the closing. I had an attorney draw up some papers that my ex signed absolving himself of any rights to my house. The attorney told me that if my ex wanted to fight that in court, he could. Not that he'd necessarily win, but he could fight it.

 

So, I told my ex afterward that if he even thought about coming after me and taking my house away from me, I would make a CAREER out of haunting him and ruining his life in every way I could. I told him that he had done enough damage to my life and my son's and that if he ever messed with me again, he'd live to regret it. He went pale as I said the words. They weren't empty words, either. I completely meant what I said. I had reached the point where I knew that no one would ever get the chance to treat me like that again, without serious consequences.

 

If anyone wonders why I have no mercy or pity for abusers, now you have some idea. They're pond scum, as far as I'm concerned; sub-humans.

[Taramere]

My ex was so helpless seeming and sorry for what he had done, that I thought he didn't match abuse criteria. I thought abusers were heartless and mean all the time. But reading that book, I realized this situation was no different or likely to get better than any other abusive situation. The tears and vulnerability was just another manipulation tactic.

 

 

That must have been such a horrible shock for you, to suddenly see that side of him - and on your honeymoon. When I was reading your first post, I found myself wondering if your ex had had quite a deprived life (and you have gone on to say that he was abused). I know it sounds bizarre, but maybe the combination of the wedding, special honeymoon treatment from hotels and a pass that lets him avoid queues was enough to trigger some majorly abusive entitlement episode.

 

There are people like that. As soon as events conspire to make them feel like VIPs, they start becoming quite monstrous...but in his case it sounds like an extreme example. People talk a lot about narcissistic exes on this board, but yours does indeed sound like a textbook example. I'm so sorry to hear you went through that.

[newmoon]

did anyone ask... how long were you together before the marriage?