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Abusive relationship still hurts, cheating, hitting and lying


Justaguy30

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I am a guy who was in a really abusive relationship. She was cheating on me and while trying to make sense of things and I fear that I really messed her up. She was just being so mean to me. She refused to kiss me or hug me or sleep with me for a month at a time and I would accuse her of cheating and she told me that was abusive. When I asked questions and demanded answers she would hit me and scream at me for half an hour and then wind up cutting herself. It all really messed me up. I have spoken to a few therapists and they told me that she was the one who was being abusive and that cheating and lying in it self is abuse but I still feel like I really hurt her by putting her through that. All she had to do is tell me she actually was cheating which she was and I would have just moved out. Every time I tried to leave her she would threaten suicide and I would come back. I didn't even want to leave her I just wanted her to treat me like she cared. She ignored my calls and texts all the time and was constantly late home from work at least half an hour and she always claimed she was just working late which sometimes she was sometimes she was out screwing people while I sat home waiting for her with her two children. I am just so emotionally damaged from everything that happened. How do I get past feeling like this.

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I just feel so bad because I feel like I was abusive to her because I was trying to get her to act reasonable. I feel like **** everyday

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These people play a lot of head games and they work very well. She was blatantly lying to you and betraying you, yet somehow you manage to feel bad about your behavior.

 

Look, the two of you were very toxic for one another and, together, you did a very sick dance. That would never change and there's no fix for it. Learn from it, stop apologizing or feeling bad about about things you don't need to feel bad about, and move on. Think about what you would do differently in a situation like that. My hope is that you would leave a person like this before they can push your buttons. I think you continue to struggle with why she wouldn't be truthful to you. This is just who she is. She will create terror wherever she goes.

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I would love nothing more than for her to call me and just tell me the whole truth so I could know but she will never do that. All I wanted was to be in a loving relationship. The first time I accused her of cheating she refused to sleep with me for like 2 weeks maybe but there were things leading up to those accusations like every time I was gone for the day she wouldn't sleep with me that night and her son would take a nap in the afternoon which he never did while I was around and she would call me asking what time I was going to be home because she would want to shower or something retarded like that. Well if you son is sleeping take a shower. Then she would lie to me about him taking a nap. I mean just sketchy stuff that didn't make sense at all. So I really got on her ass about it and said look I am not putting up with this so either stop or I am moving out. Then I think she quit for like a month or something but I was already very hurt and upset. That is the point at which I should have just left. Instead I stuck around doing everything for her while you went and ****ed everyone. That sucked.

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Its really interesting missing someone that you hate yet love. I loved her very much, she claimed to love me but how could you treat someone like that if you loved them. Leaving me home with your kids while you have sex with other men? Then coming home and acting like nothing is wrong. That is insane behavior and I don't think there is anything I could have ever done to change that in her. She did it to her ex husband for years. She will probably always be like that and I just can't seem to get her out of my head. I have to stop thinking about her and start focusing on my life and the things I need to do but its so hard when you are still so hurt that sometimes it physically hurts.

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It does hurt and it takes a long time to get past it. The problem is, she has put you between a rock and a hard place. You have nowhere to move where you won't feel pain. It's not possible to go back to her because she'll cheat again. Your only option is to stay away and help yourself get over her. For whatever things about her you love, her bad traits make it impossible to stay with her.

 

In this case, your feelings of love are working against you. I personally think that love/hate relationships can be the most intense and the most difficult to get past because the object of love/hate occupies your mind almost all the time. Just remember, she probably gets a kick out of watching you suffer. This is her mode of operation. Sometimes just knowing that you're playing into someone's ego game is enough to make you cool your heels.

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I think for a period of time she enjoyed making me suffer until she figured out how badly she had damaged me and then it wasn't fun anymore. It wasn't just cheating it was the way she did it in absolutely disrespectful ways. Like in our house while I was sleeping... that is insane. Also watching her cut herself was really intense and then getting beat up by a tiny woman was weird. Its hard going through all of that with someone you absolutely love. She is just out of her mind and I have accepted that. Yes it is very hard loving someone you know you can't be with. She will cheat on anyone, it doesn't matter who it is.

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I think for a period of time she enjoyed making me suffer until she figured out how badly she had damaged me and then it wasn't fun anymore. It wasn't just cheating it was the way she did it in absolutely disrespectful ways. Like in our house while I was sleeping... that is insane. Also watching her cut herself was really intense and then getting beat up by a tiny woman was weird. Its hard going through all of that with someone you absolutely love. She is just out of her mind and I have accepted that. Yes it is very hard loving someone you know you can't be with. She will cheat on anyone, it doesn't matter who it is.

 

If there's any consolation in this, just know that you are not alone. I KNOW exactly what you are experiencing. You love someone yet you are 100% sure you cannot stay with them--for your sake AND for theirs.

 

BTW, my ex was 5'0'' and I'm 6'1''. That's why I can't even discuss this with anybody without looking unbelievable.

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I just feel so bad because I feel like I was abusive to her because I was trying to get her to act reasonable. I feel like **** everyday

 

An abuser will turn the tides on YOU and make YOU feel like you're being unreasonable and abusuve for not tolerating THEIR abuse. It's a sick and twisted mind game.

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Learn to love from a distance. That's all you can do in these situations. Eventually, your eyes open and you'll end up laughing that you ever thought this twisted mess was love.

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Learn to love from a distance. That's all you can do in these situations. Eventually, your eyes open and you'll end up laughing that you ever thought this twisted mess was love.

 

What do you mean "love from a distance" in this case? I'm interested in your comment and think you might have a good point.

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M30 People do think its funny but its not man. She hit me really hard a few times and broke my nose among other things. She makes up lies to herself and then eventually believes them. Like its actually true. Yes those people turn everything around on you as if its all your fault. It was the sickest twisted bunch of bull **** I have ever been through. I am glad its over with.

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M30 People do think its funny but its not man. She hit me really hard a few times and broke my nose among other things. She makes up lies to herself and then eventually believes them. Like its actually true. Yes those people turn everything around on you as if its all your fault. It was the sickest twisted bunch of bull **** I have ever been through. I am glad its over with.

 

So were/are you guys married? I might have missed when you said this. Any kids?

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What do you mean "love from a distance" in this case? I'm interested in your comment and think you might have a good point.

 

It means if you must have those feelings of love for her, then have them. But steer clear of her and don't let her anywhere near you. I have used this technique a couple of times in my life.

 

Once was with an abusive ex who I still loved but knew if I stayed with him, he would decimate my life. So, he's gone and I loved him until he no longer occupied my thoughts. Nowadays, I think of him with a certain amont of fondness for his good qualities, without a shread of longing.

 

The other person I do this with is someone I'll never be able to be with because he's married. I love him immensely and he says I'm his soul mate. But, again, that love in itself, even though it's a wonderful feeling, would be toxic if I let it control me. I see him pretty regularly and can't keep from smiling when I see him. He completely brightens my day. But I love him from a distance, I admire him from a distance, and I'm glad he's in this world. He's also a friend and, once or twice a year, we have dinner together. I just sit there and stare into those beautiful eyes of his and soak up the moments with him. And then I kiss him goodbye. That's it. My love for him changes nothing, and there's no benefit for me to chase after it, or get involved again.

 

I think the thing I've learned is that, no matter what the hype says, love isn't the only thing in the world. It's often overrated, is often directed at an inappropriate subject, and can cause incredible misery. So, it's one ingredient in a host of other things that matter. But, standing alone, love ain't always all that grand.

 

Anyway, that's what I mean by loving from a distance. Whatever feelings you have for someone, they're your feelings and they don't necessarily mean they need to be acted on, or that they'll change anything. I hope that makes sense.

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M30 People do think its funny but its not man. She hit me really hard a few times and broke my nose among other things. She makes up lies to herself and then eventually believes them. Like its actually true. Yes those people turn everything around on you as if its all your fault. It was the sickest twisted bunch of bull **** I have ever been through. I am glad its over with.

 

Want the truth? Look in the mirror and you'll see whose at fault.

 

I'll say it loud, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT YOU.............EVEN A WOMAN!!! When she hit you, there was a choice to be made. Stay and be her door mat or walk away. You chose to stay and you got your F------ nose broke. She going to wheel a knife at you the next time?

 

If it was me, first phone call would be to the cops and let them know to also bring someone from CYS because her kids are in danger too.

 

If your that naive and stay with this woman in that kind of situation then you get what you deserve.

 

It's time to take your dignity, balls, back bone and self respect back and get away from that two legged disaster before you find yourself on a slab at the morgue.

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Want the truth? Look in the mirror and you'll see whose at fault.

 

I'll say it loud, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT YOU.............EVEN A WOMAN!!! When she hit you, there was a choice to be made. Stay and be her door mat or walk away. You chose to stay and you got your F------ nose broke. She going to wheel a knife at you the next time?

 

If it was me, first phone call would be to the cops and let them know to also bring someone from CYS because her kids are in danger too.

 

If your that naive and stay with this woman in that kind of situation then you get what you deserve.

 

It's time to take your dignity, balls, back bone and self respect back and get away from that two legged disaster before you find yourself on a slab at the morgue.

 

I think he's saying that he actually did leave.

 

There are a lot of dynamics to abuse that remain a mystery. It does something to people that's nearly inexplicable. Please don't be too quick too judge. These situations are extremely confusing to the person who finds themselves in the middle of them.

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Oh yeah I left her, the only reason i stuck around was the kids actually. She was very unstable and her kids were awesome and she could not afford rent by herself so I stuck around for them until it was just not okay anymore. You are right it is my fault that i didn't leave but I couldn't bare to do that to her kids. Funny you say what is she going to do pull a knife on you.... That happened which was the last straw. I never did call the cops on her but I told her family what was going on.

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You shouldn't feel badly.

 

Is it possible that you were abusive to her in response to her abuse of you? Sure.

 

Because normal rational people aren't USED to dealing with abuse and so none of your normal rational thinking helps you deal with the situation. So you do bizarre stuff in response to a bizarre situation.

 

So what you need to do is accept that you did the best you could with what you knew. And forgive yourself for anything you did that is out of character for you, or that you would do differently if you could go back and do it again.

 

Your ex sounds like a very messed up person. But I promise you that her inability to love you has NOTHING to do with you. She isn't capable - she's not even capable of treating herself with love, so why would it be different with you? You cannot LOVE someone into becoming well.

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Very well put, I think for a period of time I did love her into becoming well and I showed her that she can be balanced and feel good. She was very loving for a while until she got back into her old ways which I did not know were her old ways until after we broke up and I talked to some people that had known her more personally than I did and about her past marriage. I don't think she will treat anyone differently until she figures herself out which may never happen until she starts taking responsibility for her actions and gets in therapy and on meds. I do feel bad for her as she is one of my favorite people in the entire world. She is just sick

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I wish I had realized that what happened is just her sick little game. It seems she always needs a team of men after her which keeps her ego entertained enough that she doesn't feel sad and depressed. Its all just a game to keep her feeling happy. I suppose one day she will realize there are better ways to keep happy. I am sure she has broken many many hearts over the years. I feel bad for anyone that she lets into her heart because as soon as you get in there she feels the need to crush your soul the way that hers is crushed.

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Very well put, I think for a period of time I did love her into becoming well and I showed her that she can be balanced and feel good.

 

No, you didn't. You gave her some temporary happiness. You were an escape for her. But when the sadness crept back in, she went back to her old ways of dealing with it, because she doesn't know another way.

 

The only way she is going to heal is to put in the work to learn new ways of coping and learn that she is worthy and deserving of happiness.

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She really does deserve to be happy. She actually told me that one day. She said I don't know what else to do. Had she been honest with me about what was going on and why she was doing what she was doing perhaps we could have worked it out and she could have gotten serious about therapy and meds but she was not honest and that ruined everything. You are absolutely right about that btw.

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She really does deserve to be happy. She actually told me that one day. She said I don't know what else to do. Had she been honest with me about what was going on and why she was doing what she was doing perhaps we could have worked it out and she could have gotten serious about therapy and meds but she was not honest and that ruined everything. You are absolutely right about that btw.

 

I had an honest talk with a female coworker about women who are violent and what they want. She admitted to me that these woman truly WANT a chaotic relationship, full of drama. She said if a woman beats up her man, she probably expects and wants to get roughed up in return. But she wouldn't admit it.

 

Save yourself a life of heartache. Don't be the one to try to make her happy. Let some other jerk do the job. He probably will succeed.

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