TheBeckoningCat Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Thoughts, opinions, support and/or kicks upside the head appreciated regarding the situation described below: I was separated several years ago and got divorced. It was a challenging time, but matters are now settled with civility. As I was attending to my legal separation, a friend of mine approached me for an FWB/NSA arrangement, which was exactly what I needed at the time. I was living apart from my ex and awaiting my decree of divorce. For some 6 months it was wonderful, in spite of the fact neither of us had any cash, it was great sex, and fine friendship, lots of learning, healing and laughter. It cheered me up immeasurably!! Mr. FWB turned into Mr. FWB/SA when he asked me for sexual exclusivity which I honoured, but I know for a fact - because he told me - that he ended up having other partners. One even turned up when I was visiting him, which was more humorous than aggravating. But then Mr. FWB began falsely accusing me of a range of impossible indiscretions, some with people I'd never even heard of!! Mr. FWB is stunningly gorgeous, magnificent in bed, smart, talented, funny, with a range of addictions, and an even more interesting range of resume options (think Brad Pitt crossed with the Wolf of Wall Street). Mr. FWB was, at the time, down on his luck. Some weird things started happening, like he lied to people saying I wasn't his FWB but that he was just my professional client. And I think he had his friends follow me in their cars. Plus he wanted to know my mother's maiden name - maybe for purposes of credit card fraud? And he started rambling on about what would I do if someone videotaped us being intimate. Only thing is, he never actually to my knowledge did any extortion against me, and he was never physically violent. Then Mr. FWB started putting me down, and became what I consider verbally abusive (nasty names, insulting my working class background, etc.), and controlling (telling me not to wear makeup, not to get a tattoo, not to dye my hair, etc.), and endlessly questioning me... He said jealousy is normal for a guy and if a guy isn't jealous, he doesn't think much of the woman. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't always handle it diplomatically, for example I didn't show up for his birthday and left him stranded, started yelling back at him when he'd rant, and on the advice of a therapist, finally broke up with him as FWB was also breaking up with me. There was still some vestige of a friendship with Mr. F... until he started saying nasty things... allegedly in response to me thinking he was avoiding me... when I had to have an emergency cancer biopsy...so I called him a few ... pleasant names... and told him "don't ever darken my life again", and Mr. exFWB has been gone for quite some time now, 6 months at least. My problem? I'm finding it hard to date again because if a man is pushy or aggressive, I am automatically repulsed. And sometimes I still long for Mr. exFWB, remembering the good times. Mr. exFWB meanwhile has gotten happy, healthy, and moved on in fine form. And so it goes!! Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Was it just that I was a nutty as he was at the time since he and I were both down on our luck? Did I inadvertently dodge a nasty bullet due to my own undiplomatic behaviour? Sincerely, Grumpy Cat is my Hero Cat Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Which part of this scenario makes you think that you did NOT dodge a bullet?? Of course you did! This guy knows how to control through abuse and it works extremely well. He starts out subtle and, once you're entrenched in his web, he blasts you with both barrels. Who cares about how handsome he is, how expert he is at sex, or what's on his resume? He's an ass, plain and simple. I always tell people that there's no such thing as a casual relationship. A lot of people like to argue this point but I see it backfire all the time. Whether you think you needed to be in a situation like that or not, it was a bad idea. Had you not gotten sexually involved with this guy, you wouldn't be reeling right now. Women need to understand that even in this world of easy sex, they are diminishing themselves by not being very selective about who they let crawl into their bed. I hope, in the future, you'll wait until you have developed a relationship of trust before going down this road again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBeckoningCat Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Well, Bathtub Row, at the time I got involved, I actually did believe there was "such a thing as a casual relationship"... which now seems, for me at least, to not be true. I thought it was okay because exFWB had been my friend for a number of years, but turns out he's an *ss to date, whereas he was fine as a non-sexual friend. In short, if I hadn't slept with him, or if I'd simply decamped a little sooner, there wouldn't be a issue. Ironically enough, it was exFWB who first explained to me, intoning in his elegant, rather pompous voice, that "somebody always gets more attached and that somebody is the one who gets hurt"... So, I think I dodged a bullet, because there was no physical violence, no STDs, no unplanned pregnancies, no legal BS, no living together, no marriage, in short, no big disaster. What makes me think I didn't dodge a bullet?! Well... sometimes I wondered if he was really an *ass after all, maybe it was just the circumstances? But then I think, a true friend would have treated me better even in a casual arrangement. Now, I've been taking time off from dating, thus to be wiser in future! Cheers, Cat Link to post Share on other sites
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