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Was he abusive and why do I want to go back?!


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 25th June 2014, 3:23 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I am trying so hard to get through this. I am reading self help books
The main book you need to read is Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

And yes, he IS abusive.

PLEASE please please never go back to him. He will treat you even WORSE.
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Old 25th June 2014, 3:30 PM   #17
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. The last things he said to me were so cruel and hateful and ugly. Then last night he leaves me a nice voice mail offering to help me.
One thing you'll learn from that book is that abusers use a CYCLE if you try to leave them. It's a cycle they use to find just the right thing to do to you to maintain control of you. If you're self-conscious, they'll criticize your looks. If you're afraid of abandonment, they'll threaten to leave you. etc.

The cycle uses ALL of the techniques, one after another, to find the one that's working THIS day. It's all a trick, it's all manipulation. You are just a prize to be won.

The cycle looks like this (in no particular order):
belittling (you aren't smart enough to make it on your own)
anger (you b*tch, come back here right now!)
threats (you don't GET to make this decision)
showing weakness (I can't eat since you left me)
niceness (here, come over and see what I got for you to make up for my awful deeds)
guilt (I lost my job because you left!)
manipulation (if you give me one more chance, I swear you'll see a difference)
And back again to the belittling (or one of the others)

On and on, from one to the next, trying them all to see which one works to make you come back. Be prepared!
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Old 25th June 2014, 3:41 PM   #18
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OP,

Your toughest assignment will be to not go back.

But that is exactly what you should do:

Don't go back.

A thousand respondants in here can tell you that.
Because it is good advice.

You need to hear that advice coming from inside.

The proof is obvious, that you were abused.
But the point is this: how you yourself, respond to abuse.
If you feel outraged, all to the good.
If you do now (or ever did) feel like you deserved it...............

then pretend it's a wildfire and stamp it out before it burns something.

It is nothing but ugly hiding behind a pretty smile.
That's all it is.

"Nice".......is a ploy, a trick, a coercion, a trap.
Remember: You know well enough what horrible is.
Don't make the mistake of forgetting what you know.
Now is the time to spend with people who truly love, respect and care about you. (emphasis on truth.)

Best of luck to you.

LP
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Old 25th June 2014, 3:43 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
One thing you'll learn from that book is that abusers use a CYCLE if you try to leave them. It's a cycle they use to find just the right thing to do to you to maintain control of you. If you're self-conscious, they'll criticize your looks. If you're afraid of abandonment, they'll threaten to leave you. etc.

The cycle uses ALL of the techniques, one after another, to find the one that's working THIS day. It's all a trick, it's all manipulation. You are just a prize to be won.

The cycle looks like this (in no particular order):
belittling (you aren't smart enough to make it on your own)
anger (you b*tch, come back here right now!)
threats (you don't GET to make this decision)
showing weakness (I can't eat since you left me)
niceness (here, come over and see what I got for you to make up for my awful deeds)
guilt (I lost my job because you left!)
manipulation (if you give me one more chance, I swear you'll see a difference)
And back again to the belittling (or one of the others)

On and on, from one to the next, trying them all to see which one works to make you come back. Be prepared!
OMG! That's so spot on! Great post!
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Old 25th June 2014, 3:54 PM   #20
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Thank you. Reading your responses has really helped. Well since I have everything blocked he called me from his work last night and left a voice mail. He sounded so nice. He asked if I needed him to help pay off our old apartment (lease break fee, etc that I had been paying for after we moved into a house) and that he lived there too so he felt he should probably help. He asked to email him or text him back. I got my mom to tell him not to worry about it that I'll take care of it. I'm just so confused now. The last things he said to me were so cruel and hateful and ugly. Then last night he leaves me a nice voice mail offering to help me. And the funny thing is that when we were together I was the one worried about trying to get that paid off. He didn't seem too concerned. This has just left me confused and upset and wondering why he is being nice after the horrible stuff he said to me.
There's nothing to be confused about. Abusive men always act like complete angels just to get you back. He is acting this way to make you think he has changed. He hasn't. If you went back to him today, next week the old him would resurface. Be strong and move on to someone else. If you marry this man and have kids with him he will consider you trapped and that's when the real abuse will start and you'll never get rid of him. He would use the kids as an excuse to pull you back to him. Women who stay in abusive relationships usually age fast. Don't let it happen to you.
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Old 25th June 2014, 4:10 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
Thank you. Reading your responses has really helped. Well since I have everything blocked he called me from his work last night and left a voice mail. He sounded so nice. He asked if I needed him to help pay off our old apartment (lease break fee, etc that I had been paying for after we moved into a house) and that he lived there too so he felt he should probably help. He asked to email him or text him back. I got my mom to tell him not to worry about it that I'll take care of it. I'm just so confused now. The last things he said to me were so cruel and hateful and ugly. Then last night he leaves me a nice voice mail offering to help me. And the funny thing is that when we were together I was the one worried about trying to get that paid off. He didn't seem too concerned. This has just left me confused and upset and wondering why he is being nice after the horrible stuff he said to me.
Don't fall for it.

He wants to start the cycle all over again.

Keep him cut out of your life.
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Old 28th June 2014, 1:45 AM   #22
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Ted Bundy was handsome charming and a serial killer. Stay away from mean spirited people. Seek men who are kind, generous, patient and respectful. Please give yourself a lot of time to heal from this. Learn about boundaries and you'll see how he crossed them over and over. I am always leery of men who don't respect me when they don't get their way with me.
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Old 30th June 2014, 2:13 PM   #23
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Congratulations on finding the courage to leave this bully! Lots of women obliviously stay with guy's who treat them like absolute rubbish because that is how they feel they deserve to be treated.
You deserve much better.
Stay strong and stay away from him.
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Old 30th June 2014, 3:42 PM   #24
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I'm just so confused. I left him because of the way he was treating me and some of the stuff made me feel uncomfortable. But now the further I am away from him the more I miss him and think that deep down inside he is a good person, etc. I guess my question would be... Was I abused? Why do I want to go back to him so badly if so. I feel like I want to die sometimes.
He's definitely abusive. That nice/good guy act you sometimes see from him is just part of swinging wildly from one extreme to the other. Abusive people are often like that. They'll present themselves as being the nicest, kindest person ever....and then, when they flip, they'll use the excuse that others drove them to it. You can also think of it as them flipping from victim, to rescuer, to persecutor etc. That's all the Nice Guy act is. Part of a never ending cycle of drama. A way of sucking you into that "but he can be so sweet at times. If I can just fix him so that he's like that all the time. If I were just a better girlfriend etc etc...." mentality

And because he sucked you in for three years, it will probably take you quite a while to remove yourself from this completely. Perhaps going to a therapist and talking about the relationship will help....but you really need to ensure you don't go back to this guy. From the things he's said to you, you'd be putting yourself at an unacceptable level of risk.
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Old 30th June 2014, 5:26 PM   #25
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Please don't ever come back to this bully. Remember how unsafed he made you feel? Do you want to feel that way again? That he can hurt you at any moment and make an escuse about it?? That ex of yours is so disgusting that it makes me want to pull a Madea on him. Not that I would ever do that (unless in an absolute life-death situation) but wish someone would knock some sense into them and tell them that it's not harm to think any human being deserves to be harmed.

So basically to him, if a man kills his wife he is justifying that she must have done something wrong but when hearing the news of a gf stabbing her bf in his sleep, suddenly he had to threatened to kill you if you ever try that on him, suddenly to him there is no excuse for that???
Any normal and sane person would be horrified at hearing those things in the news, regardless of which gender is committing horrible acts. It's unexcusable for a man or woman to commit violent acts upon their partners or animals.

Hearing this makes me so angry that these bullies are wasting our precious time.

Last edited by dragon_fly_7; 30th June 2014 at 5:35 PM..
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Old 30th June 2014, 5:51 PM   #26
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Thank you each and every one for responding. It's been almost two months now since I left and I am still having a hard time. I guess I'm starting to get mad at myself for missing someone who treated me this way. I have come back to this thread over and over again just to read your responses when I'm feeling weak. It brings be back and reaffirms that I made the right choice (even when sometimes I don't feel like it)
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Old 10th July 2014, 1:07 PM   #27
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I should have read the whole thread first. Yes to learning about the Cycle of Abuse and Lundy Bancroft's book.
Turnera's post is exactly right.

I felt mad at myself too, and even a little scared that I couldn't trust myself any more. Forgive yourself. You trusted someone because you were trusting. It is not foreseeable that someone who treats you well is going to turn and treat you badly. If you've never been around people like that, how would you know? It's very popular to shift responsibility to victims, to say they should have "known better." But that's not true. What he did is his fault and it will never be your fault. Never. Also, remember that you left. You did say, "NO!" to him and his behavior, and you did say "Yes!" to yourself and to affirming what you know is right and good. You were right to leave. He will not change.
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Last edited by BlueIris; 10th July 2014 at 1:18 PM..
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Old 11th July 2014, 8:22 PM   #28
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Thank you. I would just think after 2 months I would start getting a little better. I struggle everyday with wanting to go back to him and missing him. I know this sounds crazy to everyone else. It also doesn't help that I've tried to block him from everything and then Tuesday he had a mutual friend give me a 3 page letter he wrote to me. I shouldn't have read it. I knew it would set be back... I was curious though. There were apologies (although my counselor pointed out there were no sorries for the things that he did that caused me to leave, just the stuff that happened after). It hurt so bad to read it and I just wanted to talk to him. He told me he wanted to "fix things, not to get back together, but because he wants his best friend back." This hurt because I still remember him as my best friend (the guy he was before he became my boyfriend). He told me he still loved me and he told me to tell my parents he was sorry (he actually cussed out my dad after a post BU fight). I stayed strong and didn't respond to the letter but the pain I feel is almost unbelievable. I'm starting to think it will never go away and I'll never get over him. I still haven't found much anger and I'm still crying a lot.
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Old 11th July 2014, 8:27 PM   #29
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Awww, you will get through it. It takes time, and you need to be making sure you are filling the holes left from your relationship with other things that make you happy. Anything. Hobbies, puppies, friends, volunteering...
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Old 19th July 2014, 7:23 PM   #30
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Unhappy

I need insight today because I'm really struggling. It's been a week since NC was broken. He apparently downloaded some app on the computer that you can text from. He texted me last Saturday and I responded which I shouldn't have done. I've read your replies here a thousand times to help me get through this and everyone has told me about the cycles of abuse. I guess I still wonder if things can really change. Last week when he messaged me he told me how much he loved me and how much he is hurting. He told me he would "change his entire self" if he could get me back. He told me he would go to counseling, get help for his anger problems etc and if I would just take his hand and help him, etc. He said he didn't know if he wanted to live without me. He talked about the baby we lost (I had a missed miscarriage back in February and feel like he didn't step up when I needed him most). He apologized. Basically he said everything I think I wanted to hear. In a way I felt like I was being guilt tripped at some parts in the convo though (he told me he didn't know if he wanted to live without me and he often wondered how people would feel if he wasn't around and he said it is obviously an easy pill to swallow. He also asked if that would make me happy of something happened to him. Of course I bought into this and told him it wasn't true and how much I'm hurting etc.) Needless to say, I can't seem to get over the fact that he said he would go to counseling, etc. I changed my number that night so he couldn't contact me again (though honestly I almost wish he would find a way to I guess so I know he still loves me like I love him. I know this sounds crazy) . Anyways I guess I'm just hurting because I keep thinking what if he is changing or does change and I miss out?? I just love him and I'm scared i never feel this way about anyone else.
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