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Was he abusive and why do I want to go back?!


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Old 21st June 2014, 2:26 PM   #1
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Was he abusive and why do I want to go back?!

I'm so confused and just want to hear your thoughts. Sorry this is so long! I left my my b/f of 3 years about a month and a half ago. The last few weeks we were together I would cry constantly, tell him his actions were hurting me and he didn't seem to care. He turned everything around on me. Even when I told him I was lonely and he said "no you're not." And then he started talking about him being lonely. Just things like these happened a lot. He would say I was retarded when I was arguing about something. At his sister's wedding, when I didn't change out of my bridesmaids dress immediately he got mad and cussed at me in front of a table full of people.

One of the major reasons why I left was because he said things that made me uncomfortable. Back in March an old boss of his killed his wife and their dogs and bird. The first thing my ex said was "she must have done something"." And he laughed about the guy breaking their bird's neck (he didn't think it was funny about the dogs though). This really kind of set me to worrying. My ex had been married before and he always talked crap about her. He said at the time he wanted to break down her door and shoot her in the face, and he wanted to kill her brothers while she watched.

We also listened to a news story about a man killing two teens who broke into his house (the man actually moved his car to look like he wasn't home, set up tarps, and then recorded himself as he shot these teens 9 times). My ex and I got into a debate about it and he thought the guy was creepy but he has every right to do what he did and that those kids deserved to die if they were breaking into his house, etc. Then we saw another news story about a gf trying to stab her bf in his sleep. He said if you ever do that to me I will kill you. I was like in ok well I don't plan on doing that.

His mom told me she doesn't know why he is the way he is and he has always talked like that and she's never though he was capable of anything and that he would give the shirt off his back for anyone (which this is the side of him I fell in love with). When we broke up he once again threatened to kills his ex wife when I told him something she told me (which I shouldn't have done.) I wouldn't tell him it was actually his ex wife though who said this and he threatened that he was going to come over to my house so I would tell him who said it.

He punched holes in the wall once when he was mad. He also really liked to rough house. He would wrestle me and do stuff that I told him hurt but he would keep doing it. He burned the arm hairs off my arm with a lighter because he thought it was funny. He put a lighter up under my nose and when I pushed him away he got irritated. He pinned me down until I had a panic attack and he wouldn't get off imil I calmed down. Stuff like this happened often. He always just said he just liked playing. That's who he is. He just liked to wrestle.

I'm just so confused. I left him because of the way he was treating me and some of the stuff made me feel uncomfortable. But now the further I am away from him the more I miss him and think that deep down inside he is a good person, etc. I guess my question would be... Was I abused? Why do I want to go back to him so badly if so. I feel like I want to die sometimes.
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Old 21st June 2014, 2:50 PM   #2
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Yes. He was/is abusive.
It's normal to think of the good times of a relationship, no one is 100% mean all the time. Missing those times is normal.
But you were so right in leaving this abusive relationship. He sounds very controlling. My g/f left an abusive relationship and they do not get better.
Men like him get worse over time. His actions would have gotten more and more abusive and turned more physical toward YOU.
Do not go back to him.
Talk to someone ( family/friends ) about his behavior. Don't keep it inside.
Don't be silent about abuse.
Good Luck!
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Old 21st June 2014, 6:14 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
The last few weeks we were together I would cry constantly, tell him his actions were hurting me and he didn't seem to care. He turned everything around on me. Even when I told him I was lonely and he said "no you're not." And then he started talking about him being lonely. Just things like these happened a lot. He would say I was retarded when I was arguing about something. At his sister's wedding, when I didn't change out of my bridesmaids dress immediately he got mad and cussed at me in front of a table full of people.
Trust your crying and hurt. They are coming from deep inside. This is how the little voice of "RUN!" manifests.

He doesn't have empathy. He didn't respect your feelings and your intelligence. He intimidated you in front of others. That's abusive, yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
One of the major reasons why I left was because he said things that made me uncomfortable. Back in March an old boss of his killed his wife and their dogs and bird. The first thing my ex said was "she must have done something"." And he laughed about the guy breaking their bird's neck (he didn't think it was funny about the dogs though). This really kind of set me to worrying. My ex had been married before and he always talked crap about her. He said at the time he wanted to break down her door and shoot her in the face, and he wanted to kill her brothers while she watched.

We also listened to a news story about a man killing two teens who broke into his house (the man actually moved his car to look like he wasn't home, set up tarps, and then recorded himself as he shot these teens 9 times). My ex and I got into a debate about it and he thought the guy was creepy but he has every right to do what he did and that those kids deserved to die if they were breaking into his house, etc. Then we saw another news story about a gf trying to stab her bf in his sleep. He said if you ever do that to me I will kill you. I was like in ok well I don't plan on doing that.
This person is a psychopath. Stay away from him. You were lucky enough to understand that he actually gave you a warning. Don't you ever second guess the smart decision of leaving.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
His mom told me she doesn't know why he is the way he is and he has always talked like that and she's never though he was capable of anything and that he would give the shirt off his back for anyone (which this is the side of him I fell in love with). When we broke up he once again threatened to kills his ex wife when I told him something she told me (which I shouldn't have done.) I wouldn't tell him it was actually his ex wife though who said this and he threatened that he was going to come over to my house so I would tell him who said it.
Sure he has good sides. Everyone has. But they don't make up for the fact that he doesn't respect you and has such violent tendencies. Hitler also loved animals, does this make him good? I don't think so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
He punched holes in the wall once when he was mad. He also really liked to rough house. He would wrestle me and do stuff that I told him hurt but he would keep doing it. He burned the arm hairs off my arm with a lighter because he thought it was funny. He put a lighter up under my nose and when I pushed him away he got irritated. He pinned me down until I had a panic attack and he wouldn't get off imil I calmed down. Stuff like this happened often. He always just said he just liked playing. That's who he is. He just liked to wrestle.
If you go back, then someday you are going to be between this wall and his fist. 100%.

He doesn't respect your physical boundaries. Playing with lighters near your face? Causing you a panic attack? Why on earth would you go back to him?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
I'm just so confused. I left him because of the way he was treating me and some of the stuff made me feel uncomfortable. But now the further I am away from him the more I miss him and think that deep down inside he is a good person, etc. I guess my question would be... Was I abused? Why do I want to go back to him so badly if so. I feel like I want to die sometimes.
No, he is not a good person. He is what he has shown you, nothing more, nothing less. He is a person who has made you cry so many times. If a man should make you cry, he should only make you cry out of happiness.

You want to go back because you are human and don't have an on/off switch. Don't go back to him. Be patient. Understand this feeling for what it is. Attachment, habit. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but if you go back at him you will hate yourself for doing it, because nothing will improve. Don't ever contact him again. Be single for a while, and then find a man who respects and protects you.
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Old 22nd June 2014, 6:10 AM   #4
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OP, yes, he has his good sides but you know there is something wrong with him. I'm sure the bad times outweighed the good, think about it.

I'm certain it took a lot of courage to get away from him. Somehow you felt strong enough to do so. Be proud of yourself for that. Try to make a life for yourself, meet new people, do new things. Distract yourself. Rebuild you confidence.

Do not go back to him. If you do, you are telling him: it's ok the way you treated me in the past, let's have some more of it. He may treat you like a princess for a month or so at first but then the abuse (because it WAS abuse) will start all over again and he will push you more and more to see where your boundaries are.

The reason why you feel worthless (I feel like I want to die) is because he's made you feel worthless. Not only with the 'wrestling' and all that other crap but by the way he treated you day in, day out. The little things, the remarks, not respecting your boundaries.

You know you aren't worthless and that is why you left. Take pride in that.
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Old 22nd June 2014, 10:00 AM   #5
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You should probably see a counselor who deals with abuse.

Being in an abusive relationship for three years can leave you with some damage that you will unintentionally bring into future relationships and keep those relationships from being healthy. Kind of like a sickness.

Also you should probably explore why you attracted an abusive person in the first place and stayed so long. A normally functioning person would not have subjected themselves to being disrespected more than once.

Forget him and work on yourself.
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Old 22nd June 2014, 9:20 PM   #6
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When you break up with someone, it does hurt and there is often that need to be with someone who loves you, but believe me, you do not need this guy. You need someone who loves you. Your ex is dangerous. Verbal threats can so easily turn into real threats. He is sadistic - he enjoys hearing about nasty things and agrees with them. You know you were right in thinking something was wrong with this guy. Threats of violence should always be taken seriously.

Now is the time to remind yourself about his bad points and about the risky situation you were in with him. Everyone has a few good qualities, but in this case they don't outweigh the bad ones. Seek to fulfill you need for a partner with someone else who loves you.
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Old 23rd June 2014, 4:05 PM   #7
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Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I am trying so hard to get through this. I am reading self help books, I journal everyday, I started going back to church, and I am seeing a counselor now. I have him blocked from FB, email and my phone. He has called up at my work a couple of times (this last time was after 3 weeks from not hearing from him. They wouldn't put me through to him, and it haunts me about why he may have called. 3 weeks earlier he had tried to apologize for his actions, when I made him mad he told me the very next day he already met someone new who was everything I'm not. That still stings). I know I don't want to be with someone I'm scared of, someone who said the nasty things he did. I know eventually I will probably find out he is with someone else. I am dreading that day, because I'm not sure I will be able to bear it. I will still be single, because I will not date anyone for the next year and will use it to work on myself.
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Old 23rd June 2014, 4:13 PM   #8
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Giving you a cyber hug if it feels safe. Yes he was emotionally abusive. One of my husbands friends left his wife this week because of much the same thing. He used to be so free and happy and now he is quiet and unresponsive to most everything. He has agreed to go to counseling because he can't eat or sleep. She actually acted like he was mean to her and abused her and you just have to know him, the sweetest guy. Please stay safe and don't go back to him.
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Old 23rd June 2014, 4:25 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Jewels7 View Post
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I am trying so hard to get through this. I am reading self help books, I journal everyday, I started going back to church, and I am seeing a counselor now. I have him blocked from FB, email and my phone. He has called up at my work a couple of times (this last time was after 3 weeks from not hearing from him. They wouldn't put me through to him, and it haunts me about why he may have called. 3 weeks earlier he had tried to apologize for his actions, when I made him mad he told me the very next day he already met someone new who was everything I'm not. That still stings). I know I don't want to be with someone I'm scared of, someone who said the nasty things he did. I know eventually I will probably find out he is with someone else. I am dreading that day, because I'm not sure I will be able to bear it. I will still be single, because I will not date anyone for the next year and will use it to work on myself.
Keep the good job with trying. I promise you, you are going to come out of this stronger.
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Old 23rd June 2014, 6:26 PM   #10
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(1) You think you can change this guy..aint happening


(2) You feel like you are on eggshells, so that's a sign of a abusive relationship
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Old 23rd June 2014, 6:28 PM   #11
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Jewels, stay as strong as you have been.

He flips his switches at will.
No one should live with that.

You say you are reading self help books.
Try The Jealousy Game by Mandy White (short read..took me about an hour) free on Kindle or free on a free Kindle app which you can get on your phone if you have android or iPhone.

You'll recognise your ex in there.

Also, remember he is an ex for a reason.A valid one.

((HUGS)) x
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Old 23rd June 2014, 6:31 PM   #12
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Stay away from this bloke.
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Either way you're wrong.
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Old 24th June 2014, 12:15 PM   #13
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I know eventually I will probably find out he is with someone else. I am dreading that day, because I'm not sure I will be able to bear it.
You will be able to bear it. Trust me, the next woman that comes into his life, won't be getting a prize. After everything that you posted about him, you should feel blessed and grateful that you dodged a bullet. Every other woman that enters into his life is going to experience the same thing you did, and maybe worse.

So change that thought pattern. When you feel sad, ask yourself -- what about him is so great that it would devastate you to know that another woman will soon become victim to his abuse? Start to rationalize it versus allowing yourself to be driven emotionally.
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Old 25th June 2014, 9:27 AM   #14
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Thank you. Reading your responses has really helped. Well since I have everything blocked he called me from his work last night and left a voice mail. He sounded so nice. He asked if I needed him to help pay off our old apartment (lease break fee, etc that I had been paying for after we moved into a house) and that he lived there too so he felt he should probably help. He asked to email him or text him back. I got my mom to tell him not to worry about it that I'll take care of it. I'm just so confused now. The last things he said to me were so cruel and hateful and ugly. Then last night he leaves me a nice voice mail offering to help me. And the funny thing is that when we were together I was the one worried about trying to get that paid off. He didn't seem too concerned. This has just left me confused and upset and wondering why he is being nice after the horrible stuff he said to me.
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Old 25th June 2014, 9:42 AM   #15
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Nobody is all good or all bad. Abusive people can be nice, charming in fact. It's that side that keeps people hanging on waiting for the nice one to return.

But the cruel guy is truly him. The nice guy is just an act. He's trying to lure you back in.

It's called the honeymoon phase that every abuse cycle has.

Please don't fall for it.
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