Stalking

[spiderowl]

Why do guys stalk? I ask about guys in this case because the recent incident that I've been aware of, which affected a friend, was a guy stalking her. He still hasn't given up, despite legal action, but is managing to keep within the law.

[ASG]

My dad had a stalker, so women definitely stalk as well.

 

My dad doesn't like talking about it, so I don't know all the details, but she was someone he was dating. He clearly didn't think there was much of a future with her, because neither me nor my brother even knew about this woman. She didn't take being dumped too kindly.

 

She would blow up my dad's phone, wait outside his house, work, etc etc etc.

 

I am not sure what made her ease up, but it was probably the threat of legal action.

 

A few years later, however, we found out she was still somewhat stalking him, as she showed up in hospital just before he was due to have major surgery. We have no idea how she found out. My mom ripped her a new one and, as far as I know, she disappeared forever.

[spiderowl]

I agree women stalk as well, though I understand that it is mostly guys who do it. Why do they do it? Some stalkers are basically rejected exs. Why do they think that stalking is the best course of action at that point? I can understand someone keeping an eye on their ex, when getting over the shock and trying to come to terms with it. The pangs of seeing an ex with a new partner are one of those experiences most of us go through at some stage. We want to be sure it's true even though we don't really. Seeing the truth is a blow but somehow forces us to accept it, cry over it and then gradually come to terms with it and move on. However, some people just stalk, for months, years even. Why do some seem incapable of stopping, even when threatened with legal action?

[nescafe1982]

I was actually stalked by another woman for a couple of years (yes, years.)

 

I had dated someone who rejected her some years before. She was also stalking him, but she lost it completely when she saw us together. She began turning up everywhere I was, whether or not her ex was with me. I'd gone on two dates with the guy.

 

Anyway, I don't agree that men are more likely to stalk than women. There's probably some statistics on this, but female stalking is definitely too common to be considered an outlier phenomenon.

 

In any case, I think stalking is about trying to take control or manage a situation that is beyond one's control. I think of it as the extreme manifestation of that same impulse that makes us blame ourselves for a breakup: if it's our fault... it's within our control. In this case, if the potential for contact exists (whether or not said contact is wanted by the other party), than the stalker feels an inflated sense of control over the situation and by extension, their feelings about it.

[spiderowl]

I was actually stalked by another woman for a couple of years (yes, years.)

 

I had dated someone who rejected her some years before. She was also stalking him, but she lost it completely when she saw us together. She began turning up everywhere I was, whether or not her ex was with me. I'd gone on two dates with the guy.

 

Anyway, I don't agree that men are more likely to stalk than women. There's probably some statistics on this, but female stalking is definitely too common to be considered an outlier phenomenon.

 

In any case, I think stalking is about trying to take control or manage a situation that is beyond one's control. I think of it as the extreme manifestation of that same impulse that makes us blame ourselves for a breakup: if it's our fault... it's within our control. In this case, if the potential for contact exists (whether or not said contact is wanted by the other party), than the stalker feels an inflated sense of control over the situation and by extension, their feelings about it.

 

Wow, does sound scary! I have heard of women stalkers and I know someone who was affeced be one. She was eventually sectioned under the Mental Health Act; however, I've never heard of a guy being sectioned - prosecuted, yes, but not sectioned, as if male stalking is seen as a crime and not an illness.

[Candy_Pants]

I've had several stalkers. Once I had three at the same time . They were all rejected by me, after having never dated them to begin with. Usually they started out as acquaintances, then wanted to date me after having spent time in our overlapping social groups. I said no, they didn't take no for an answer.

 

Apparently they thought if they showed enough "interest" or were insistent enough, I'd change my mind . They waited for me outside of my home, went to my favorite cafes, bars, restaurants, even tried getting close to my family.

[spiderowl]

There seems little point keep showing interest after rejection and certainly following or hanging around close to the person is a bit stupid. Being stalked is a horrible experience.

[axisdenied]

A person who chooses to stalk is experiencing a psychological crisis over the acceptance of a situation that they cannot change. Regardless of how well they understand this, they act out in a ritualistic manner to "preserve" the relationship where an otherwise psychologically healthy person would know that letting go is best. A response of any kind, even via the delivery of a restraining order, triggers feelings of reward in their mind, and thus, as nescafe1982 pointed out, they believe that they have exerted some control over the other person. This is why the #1 rule of dealing with a stalker is to not engage, regardless of how tempting it may be to explain to the other person how inappropriately they are behaving.

 

I had a stalker about five years ago. I tried to reason with him for six months before I stopped acknowledging his attempts to contact me--two years after that I stopped hearing from him. It can go on for any amount of time, though, depending on how hip the stalker is to seeking help for the problem.

[SpiralOut]

They can't let go. They have no dignity either.

 

According to Worldwide Intelligence Network ,

 

"Stalking is gender neutral - both men and women can be perpetrators and victims. Statistically, however, 75-80% of the cases involve men stalking women. Most are young to middle-aged and have above-average intelligence."

 

There is someone harassing me through email. I have blocked him on a dating website and he knows my regular email, so he sends me messages asking me to please unblock him. Yesterday he sent an angry message claiming I never gave him a chance (I gave him too many, actually). He hasn't physically waited outside my building or followed me around that I know of, so I wouldn't say he is stalking me exactly but I do worry about it escalating. I stopped speaking to him over a year ago and he still bothers me. The only person he thinks about is himself. It's disturbing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Women certainly stalk too and this type of behaviour creeps the hell out of me.

 

My brother has a serious stalker, a gf he broke up with 10 years ago. She will go underground for a few months but she always resurfaces. She has been contacting me and our mum and dad too and has recently sent a good-bye message to me implying that if I don't respond or don't "make" my brother respond she is going to kill herself. She has done similar before so I am not worried. She has caused my brother so much grief (reported him to the police for "raping" her while they were in a relationship 10 years ago, follows him around, threatens to harm him and his family, threatens suicide etc etc). I feel zero compassion for her and only fear for my brother's safety. We all deal with it by not responding to her and we haven't for years. She always makes new profiles and email addresses and gets through all the "blocking".

 

Unrequited love happens all the time and it surely sucks and is not pleasant. It seems to drive a small % of people over the edge into total psychosis which I think is always a result of underlying mental illness.

[Haydn]

Stalking has nothing to do with love of any kind just about selfishness and control. My ex attempted to once pick up my daughter from school. Police involved etc... Not fun.

[littleplanet]

Stalking is crazy stuff. Best to be taken with deadly seriousness.

 

I'd hazard a strong guess that men and women probably stalk for very similar reasons.

But what it is in a person's makeup that drives them to do this....I can't say.

 

I've always suspected that control has a lot to do with it.

And a sense of ownership.

But something powerful definitely shifts sideways.

 

Like when you're in a good healthy, loving relationship - and you tell someone that you need them and can't live without them (and they're perfectly fine with that - because they feel exactly the same way...)

 

Compared to - they don't feel that way at all, from the start. Or change their mind.

A healthy response is to let go.

An unhealthy response is to refuse to. (disconnection from reality?)

 

There is something hideously invasive about stalking.

A form of predatory behavior.

A stalker doesn't want their victim to have a happy life without them.

 

Maybe that's at the heart of it. A stalker hasn't learned how to let go.

We have a lot of laws in place to protect people - but so many still slip through the cracks.

 

I recall a friend of mine who went through this many years ago.

She tried everything, even left town. Almost kind of went underground.....

then resurfaced - and there he was all over again.

He always danced within the law - slick, shrewd.

What finally solved it?

Something borderline illegal.

A good beating (by friends of friends of friends.)

She hated that this is what it took - that the rule of law ultimately required some outlaw behavior.

I didn't disagree with her point of view.

I think the laws are too lax.

 

I don't believe stalkers don't know the damage they do.

I think they know very well.

 

Why do men stalk more than women do?

I think they're taught. Conditioned that way.

Ownership. The object of their obsession is a possession.

 

Creepy stuff.