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He is abusive but blames me for it


Arabella

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Please bear with me... this is going to be a little long. Those of you who know about the story can skip the background part.

 

Background:

 

My SO and I have been together for about a year and a half. Our relationship has never been conventional, since we started as friends, progressed into FWB, until today. Nevertheless, we're still together, and I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with our daughter.

 

We moved in together last March, but we weren't happy. I had just found out about some things he'd hidden from me, and I was devastated. No cheating, just things that made me doubt his moral fiber and would have been a deal-breaker for me if I'd known before we got together.

 

For the next several months, I was extremely upset and kept constantly bringing it up, wanting to talk about it, hoping it would help me process it. He obliged and answered all of my questions. I felt like he had duped me into being in a relationship with him, and betrayed me with his other lies. Sometimes they would be relatively calm and productive discussions, but most of the time they weren't. Most often, I became extremely emotional, angry and cried a lot. This happened a couple times a week. I was very hurt, but this was difficult for him to handle too.

 

Two months later (end of May), we went away for a long weekend. During this time, we had an argument about something unrelated, and he exploded and called me a bitch. The day after this, we found out I was pregnant, and things were pretty good for a couple of weeks. We both wanted this child.

 

After that, as you might expect, the situation got worse. The name-calling continued and more incidents occurred in June. The discussions about the lies from early in the year continued but had significantly tapered by this point (twice a month?) and become much more civil. Early in July, he proposed, and I accepted, but soon afterwards the name-calling continued... so I told him I couldn't marry somebody who did not respect me, and returned the ring to him.

 

Currently...

 

Between now and then, the situation has gotten gotten much worse. We have other problems we're working on (in counseling), and sometimes we argue. During these arguments, he used to be relatively calm (while I became defensive and he perceived me as combative) but that's no longer the case. Now he loses his temper almost every time, while I try to stay collected. It has gone from just name-calling to screaming at me, and verbally abusing me. I've also felt physically threatened, although he has never touched me. He sometimes drives very aggressively when we're having an argument in the car. He knows it terrifies me when he does it, as I have been involved in several car crashes and suffer from PTSD as a result. I have had panic attacks before because of this. I've explained this to him and asked him to stop, but he has not.

 

This past weekend it was the last straw for me. Coming back from counseling, we got into an argument about some of the things that had been discussed during our session. He started driving aggressively and screaming at me and I asked him to stop screaming or to pull over and let me out. He did neither, and I began to feel scared and cry, while he screamed at me saying that he'd let me out whenever he wanted. At some point, he braked violently in the middle of a residential street and screamed at me to get out. I did not, and just asked him to drive home as we were only a couple of minutes away. He kept driving but would not stop screaming. He braked again, and the same thing happened.

 

We got home eventually, and I was feeling abdominal pains. Car accidents involving sudden stops are known to be a fairly common cause for pregnancy complications (and even miscarriage) in the second trimester and I knew that. He was still angry and kept screaming and saying he was moving out. I helped him pack up some things to expedite the process, intending to go to the ER after he left, but seeing how it was taking so long, I decided it was time to go. When I returned home a couple of hours later, he was still sitting in the apartment waiting for me. He had calmed down somewhat, and said he was waiting for me to call him if I needed a ride. Eventually, he finished packing up his things and left to stay with his parents, who live in a neighboring town.

 

This happened Sat afternoon. I tried to talk to him twice over the weekend (one over the phone, one in person) in an attempt to work things out, and eventually he came home on Monday. I felt happy and relieved to have him back at first.... but then I began to think about what really went on.

 

I tried talking about this last night. I asked him point blank if he felt this behavior was acceptable. He kind of just shrugged. Now I just feel extremely hurt and resentful that he feels it's okay to treat me like this -- while I'm pregnant with his child no less!!!

 

He claims that the reason for this behavior is basically my fault. That I "broke" him with the conversations about his betrayal from March to June. He feels I was abusive towards him. Now just to be clear... yes, we had plenty of arguments and I got very angry with him at times, but I never called him names or screamed at him. I'm sure I said plenty of hurtful things (like what I thought about his behavior), and I've apologized for it because I understand it was damaging to him and I could have handled things better. When I ask him what specifically he felt was abusive, he cannot answer. I told him that just because something is hard to hear, and the discussions were difficult, it doesn't mean that I was abusive. He disagreed, and says that is up to him to decide. Okay...

 

Apparently, that's justification for his behavior now. Everything he's doing to me now stems from that. After each of these outbursts (which are weekly now), he never apologizes. After a couple of days of being mutually distant, he comes around and tries to hug me and we move on like nothing happened. Or that's how it used to be anyway. I don't let them slide anymore. I have been asking him to apologize and he often refuses to do so, claiming he did nothing wrong, and if he did, it's my fault because I broke him. That I have to respect him in order to get respect back. No matter what I say, it all stems from something I am doing or not doing.

 

I realize this is classic abuse. It's not my first rodeo with a man like him, unfortunately. However, he is the father of my unborn daughter, and I still love him. I need to fight a little while longer to try and save our family. I believe that if he were to admit what he is doing is wrong, we might make some headway towards resolving it. I am not ready to leave him... but I have asked him to move back to his parent's house for a while so we can sort things out.

 

We're still in counseling although it's unclear how much that's helping him. What can I do? I feel like I cannot reason with him.

 

Thoughts and advice welcome...

 

-A

Edited by Arabella
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I'm not sure what you're looking for. It's common for abusers to subjugate their victims by blaming them for their indiscretions.

 

If he can't apologize it means he can't see his wrongdoing so you forcing him to be accountable for what he can't see is useless. And even if he apologized, it's not from self-awareness. It's just something he thinks he needs to do because you want it. So stop asking him to apologize. He won't even know what he's apologizing for.

 

Yes, you have a child with him but I hope you're smart enough to know that love doesn't shield you or your daughter from the effects of abuse. You do not want your child exposed to this type of behavior.

 

This is a fairly short relationship. 1.5 years. His true self is beginning reveal itself.

Edited by Zahara
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You cannot fight for a R on your own, it takes both parties. Are you guys in couple's counseling or IC? It's honorable that you would like to raise your child in a loving home with both parents but she is better off raised in separate, healthy homes than this atmosphere.

 

What has he said to your suggestion that he move out? That would be my advice, he moves out and gets into IC.

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GorillaTheater

Arabella, you deserve more than a soundbyte, but I can't think of any other way to put this:

 

Dump his ass.

 

Work out child support and co-parenting issues, but offload this asshat.

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It's common for abusive people to project their issues outward, and that includes responsibility.

 

My response, other than offering some sympathy and a hug, would be to consider reclaiming your own space while pregnant to remove this stress from your life. Such stress, or any abuse, does nothing to improve your mental and physical health and the health of your child. Best wishes.

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Sorry to hear AB. To be honest at this point, it may be best to let go. You haven't been together that long and you're already having all kinds of problems and have been since the beginning. I can see that you have tried working it out with him, but there seems to be more and more issues with him. :( I would try pre-marital counseling if you still want to make an effort to work things out. If he is not willing, that tells you everything you need to know. He was also not honest about things at the beginning, which is also another red flag.

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I feel like I cannot reason with him.

 

 

 

And how exactly do you propose to solve the issues in your relationship when you can't reason with him, he refuses to take any responsibility for his behavior, and anytime you bring up something negative about him, it's "abuse"?

 

I mean, come on. You're a smart person!

 

It takes two to build a relationship. You can't do it on your own. If he isn't there with you, trying to fix things, then it's useless.

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Arabella, you said there were things he did that if they had happened early on you'd not have progressed the relationship. Then you go on to talk of him being verbally abusive and him driving dangerously.

 

So now he's got you knocked up he can behave any way he wants? Come, now, you know that can't be the case. You need to knock it on the head. You even talk about you believing his actions could potentially have caused a miscarriage. You don't want that for you, or for him. It's time to take some action to ensure there's no more drama. And that's to take a total, long break. Counselling isn't working out for you so walk away, for your sanity and safety.

 

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but I see nothing at all to suggest there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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Okay, I think I undertand and want present a horrifying Different perspective. One from your future... What could be My life;

 

! Fifteen years down the road, more children, the cycle of abuse continuing and sometimes in front of your children with you left Praying for the next calm before the storm.

 

I thought we were finally beyond it, until yesterday, and now I'm mortified.

 

Please don't choose my life as your own...

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I realize this is classic abuse. It's not my first rodeo with a man like him, unfortunately. However, he is the father of my unborn daughter, and I still love him. I need to fight a little while longer to try and save our family.

 

No, you really don't need to fight for this relationship.

 

You need to fight your desire for this man, and the fantasy of this "happy family", and create a stable environment for yourself and your daughter.

 

This man is a danger to you and your baby. Time for you to start thinking like a mother, and put your child's best interests first.

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Please don't choose my life as your own...

 

LIKED your post because of your advice to Arabella. Not for what you've been through. I am sorry.

 

And it is never too late to stand up and walk away. As Dr. Phil says, the only thing worse than 15 years in an abusive relationship is 15 years and one day.

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I can remember saying to my H 22 years ago....."Do you Respect me"? And I needed him not just to say yes...but to act Yes. But, he continued down through all those years to disrespect me.

 

I was pregnant with my D - now aged 19 - he screamed at me and I got out of the car and walked home on a hot day....I ended up being ill with preeclampsia.

 

My H and I have had the typical abuse relationship up until 2011 when I finally had enough. I sold the house and moved out. H was so sorry and changed.

 

Basically what I am trying to say to you is.......Go now. Live by yourself, with your baby. You can see this immature man now and again if necessary. But you need to be away from him.

 

Things will not change anytime soon.....are you going to be OK with this behaviour....escalating to worse - for the next 22 years?

 

Best wishes to you.

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Arabella. :(

 

Many of us tried to support your previous decision to give him one last chance, because: 1) He hasn't been this abusive before, and 2) You seemed to feel that counselling was changing him.

 

Clearly both of the above are false, now. I think you know what you need to do.

 

I hate to say this, but you've fought long enough for this R. This man isn't going to be a good husband, or a good father to your child. In fact, it would endanger your child if you stay, the way things are.

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I hate to see women tolerating abuse because they have children with a man. Arabella, I think the only reason you are staying is your pregnancy.

 

Is this the kind of marriage you want your child to see? I know you were planning on marrying this man.

 

It is cruel and abusive to purposely aggravate PTSD symptoms in someone. What if his fast driving kills both of you someday?

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Arabella, you deserve more than a soundbyte, but I can't think of any other way to put this:

 

Dump his ass.

 

Work out child support and co-parenting issues, but offload this asshat.

 

I agree....

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You're all right :(

 

We talked again this evening... No fight took place. It was productive I suppose. He agreed to stay at his parent's place for now.

 

I'm emotionally drained now so I'll just go sleep, but I'll post what we discussed tomorrow.

 

Thank you all for your support... I really appreciate all the responses.

 

-A

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Eternal Sunshine

I am so sorry to hear this Arabella.

 

I know you want that dream of a happy family...but the reality is, this is much too high price to pay and it won't happen anyway.

 

You will be surprised how much happier and more peaceful life will feel once he is out of the picture...

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Arabella, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

I'm sad for you

And it also makes me sad knowing that you will stay with him and take that terrible treatment because you love him.

 

It's not going to get better. If he's yelling at you and scaring you and being abusive, these things only get worse usually.

 

I feel sad for your child.

To think that she will grow up in that environment is heartbreaking.

She didn't ask to have an abusive dad so she should at least have a mother that's NOT gonna put up with that in the hopes that it will change or get better one day.

 

I really wish that you can see things for what they are.

You've always been so kind and nice and I really wish that you would see things for what they are so that you can do right by yourself and your unborn daughter.

 

***HUGS***

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Just do two things well. Take care of yourself and your child. Nothing else really matters right now.

 

You should look for real support from friends and family, not this list.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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As promised, here's what happened yesterday.

 

Shortly after I posted this thread, we began texting while at work and I let him know that I was having a hard time moving past last weekend's events. [in my mind, it was more like... I really didn't want to.] I told him I really thought it would be best if he returned to his parent's house for now, and he said he understood.

 

After work, I picked him up and we were cordial enough, but he felt the distance. A couple of hours after we got home, he was evidently feeling dejected and asked me what did I want to do. I reiterated what I had already said about him moving out, and he seemed saddened, but agreed.

 

I asked him if he knew the reason why I wanted him to leave, and he thought it was about our issues that we've been working on (unsatisfactory sex life for me, perceived lack of effort, etc) and I was just fed up with the lack of progress. It's like it didn't even occur to him that Saturday's events were still lingering...

 

So, I initiated the conversation about abuse again, and I tried to explain to him that there is a difference between having painful conversations in the midst of dealing with problems, and actively attacking someone and abusing them like he did on Saturday. I also told him that his driving really could have hurt our daughter and that was the one thing that made me kind of snap out of it.

 

For once, he didn't deny or try to minimize his actions. He apologized several times for what he did, and seemed heartfelt (which is a big pet peeve of mine... I hate insincere apologies). He went on to tell me that his anger problems aren't a new issue... it's always been there, to varying degrees of severity. He said that had some very violent episodes with his father while growing up.

 

In addition, he suffers from severe anxiety for which he used to be medicated, and it's caused because he's not used to having so many demands on his time and often feels overwhelmed with all of it. He has his job, and he's finishing up his degree, he does extra work for additional income, and continues the job search for a better and more stable job opportunity.. all this on top of dealing with our relationship troubles. It makes him very short-tempered and of course, I end up being on the receiving end of it. He agreed to see someone separately (we've been going together) to deal with this and get medication for it if warranted.

 

He said he felt like I didn't love him anymore. I told him that wasn't the case but I couldn't stand the situation and we needed to be apart right now. We hugged for a couple of minutes and he helped me with some chores before he left.

 

So... right now he's out of the apartment (along with all of his stuff) and I'm alone with the kitties. Although I miss him, and it feels weird to sleep without him, I feel relieved.

 

I don't know what's going to happen next but standing up for myself and my daughter feels like progress. He understood what he had done and apologized, and now I have some peace.

 

The question now is... What to do next?

 

I'd like to continue spending some time with him (like dating again I guess?) and see how it goes, in addition to continuing with the counseling. I realize he's not going to change overnight, and I should not keep putting up with the abuse but... there's no harm in seeing how it goes now that he's moved out, no?

 

Does this sound like a solid plan?

 

Thanks again everyone for the comments. I really appreciate the support.

Edited by Arabella
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Your "new" plan sounds oddly familiar to your old plan.

 

One sincere sounding apology and the cycle continues :(

 

Does it? I thought having him move out was progress ... I didn't see the harm in seeing if things improve while separated.

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I think you need to set some very very firm and nonnegotiable boundaries with him.

 

If he touches you in anger in any way, it's over.

 

If he calls you a name in anger or verbally abuses you, it's over. (And give him precise examples of it so he can't claim what he says isn't abusive.)

 

If he's serious about changing, he DOES have control over his behavior.

 

It's promising that he's going to see someone and discuss medication. If he doesn't follow through with that, it would be another dealbreaker for me.

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I think you need to set some very very firm and nonnegotiable boundaries with him.

 

If he touches you in anger in any way, it's over.

 

If he calls you a name in anger or verbally abuses you, it's over. (And give him precise examples of it so he can't claim what he says isn't abusive.)

 

If he's serious about changing, he DOES have control over his behavior.

 

It's promising that he's going to see someone and discuss medication. If he doesn't follow through with that, it would be another dealbreaker for me.

 

This is actually a great suggestion. We never discussed the "what now" last night before he left, but I plan to bring it up and state what you've mentioned. Being apart will not mean anything if he thinks he can continue doing the same crap.

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