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He is abusive but blames me for it


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Old 11th October 2013, 12:44 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by pteromom View Post
This is a solvable issue though. Should you move forward and end up living together again, you can have a calendar up with events, and he can put the days he wants to go out alone on there, or he can choose not to go to the scheduled events if he wants. Or you can have specified days you do things together vs. alone (IE, every Thursday evening is his guys-night-out or whatever.)
You'd think it would be solvable, right? Your suggestion is actually what I did a long time ago. I set up a calendar app that we both had access to and sync'd with our phones automatically. The issue then became that he simply didn't want to have anything scheduled, period. He wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted... with no regard for anything I might have scheduled. He claimed he was a spur of the moment kind of person and didn't like plans. Okay...

So I stopped scheduling anything. No more event tickets, dinner reservations, etc. Result? He didn't come up with anything, so all we ever have done together in the past several months is watch TV. And then he has the nerve of recently telling me that "we haven't done anything fun in a while". WTF...

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Originally Posted by pie2 View Post

You, on the other hand, MUST learn to accept responsibility for your own actions, and focus on changing your own behavior.

PLEASE, I implore you to stop pointing fingers. Yes, he is displaying abusive behaviors. But you thought he was the type of quality man to make a child with . There's something wrong with your approach to men, love, and commitment, as this (similar) pattern has been repeated over and over in your life. I'm not saying that you're responsible for his abusive actions...just the part you played in linking yourself to him forever by creating a child.
With all due respect, I don't quite understand where this is coming from? I appreciate your comments, but...

I made the perfectly conscious choice to have a child with him, and I don't regret that choice based on the information I had at the time. This began after I got pregnant. Even so, he really was/is a good man when he is not behaving like this. His abusive behavior is a new problem to us, and I still believe he can overcome it if he wants to. Whether he wants to or not, it remains to be seen. It also doesn't mean I'm going to continue being his punching bag in the meantime.

You also mention a pattern, but I don't believe there is one. The reason why I'm familiar with abusive relationships is because I was in one when I was very young. I was raped, beaten, cheated on, berated... the whole deal. I left him eventually... and I learned a lot about myself and relationships in the meantime. I became a very strong and independent woman, and I had other relationships. I've never allowed that to happen again, but I do see the fact that if I'd allowed my current SO to stay at home, the situation would have escalated quickly. Hence why he's not living with me anymore.

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Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
...That's exactly what happened last time he showed 'progress', wasn't it? It goes in cycles.

...
I think that, if you are pregnant, you need to consider the well being of your unborn child as well as your own. Which means less risk taking. This man is a risk. Continuing to be with him is a risk.
...
Get him to move out, and perhaps tell him that you will give him a fixed amount of time to fix himself.
I agree. I gave him a chance for almost two months to show me he could do better, and he didn't. Not only that, but it got worse and he blamed it on me!

The last incident in the car really made me snap. The idea that my unborn daughter could have been hurt just sent me into a panic... that he could have done that, knowing full well (because we've talked about it before) what could have happened.

He's gone from the apartment now, but we still talk and see each other as needed. I am going to be limiting how much we see each other considerably. If he values me, his daughter, and the family we could have been... he will step it up. If not, I guess I'll be well on my way towards moving on.
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Old 11th October 2013, 1:58 PM   #47
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If he values me, his daughter, and the family we could have been... he will step it up. If not, I guess I'll be well on my way towards moving on.
Sounds good, Arabella. Stay strong! We're here if you need us (((Arabella)))
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Old 11th October 2013, 2:23 PM   #48
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There's something that I've been thinking about a lot...

Lots of women raise children by themselves, but how many do it without the support of friends and family?

Unfortunately, what little remains of my family is overseas. My mother passed away a year ago, and my father is frail of health and in bad financial situation. I have no real friends, just acquaintances, because I've moved around a lot and have had no social life over the last few years (full time work -and- school). The only people I have in the States who care about me are my ex's mother (who is like a second mother to me... we're that close) and my SO.

I make good money, but it's also a very expensive city and I have a lot of student loans to pay off. How am I going to raise a daughter while working full time to support us? I'm not even sure I could afford full-time childcare, and because of my income, I probably don't qualify for any type of assistance.

On top of the financial worry... just the sheer amount of work that a newborn is. I won't get paid time off when she's born (just unpaid leave per state law), and there will be nobody here to help me with her. Most childcare places won't even take her until she's 2 months old... but I have to go back to work right away or I won't be able to support us.

I am not afraid of leaving my SO if I have to... that much I can manage, even if it breaks my heart in the process. But I am afraid of what happens next
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Old 11th October 2013, 2:44 PM   #49
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You are absolutely correct about the need for support from friends and community. That's a good place for you to put your focus in these next few months of pregnancy. Do you know other moms?

Start reaching out and making connections. Ask for advice, and you may find solutions to your problems, in addition to making some friends. I know a city like Boston has got to have a lot of groups for working mothers to support each other.
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Old 11th October 2013, 4:01 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by Arabella View Post
Lots of women raise children by themselves, but how many do it without the support of friends and family?
You can do it. Get on Facebook and find local moms groups. Start meeting moms in your neighborhood. Ask moms at your job what they do and for advice. You will be able to find resources, because there are lots of women in your situation.
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Old 11th October 2013, 4:44 PM   #51
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I can definitely relate to your frustration in regards to the lack of planning. It seems like we do nothing if I don't plan anything. If I do ask him something, it seems as if he doesn't plan until the last minute.
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Old 11th October 2013, 9:00 PM   #52
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But why do you say raising her alone? Even if you aren't with her dad, she would still have one. He would have partial custody and pay child support. It wouldn't all be on you. Or are you talking about how he said he would give up rights? Is that still an option for you/him?
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Old 11th October 2013, 10:26 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by Arabella View Post

On top of the financial worry... just the sheer amount of work that a newborn is. I won't get paid time off when she's born (just unpaid leave per state law), and there will be nobody here to help me with her. Most childcare places won't even take her until she's 2 months old... but I have to go back to work right away or I won't be able to support us.(
Child support. I would say partial custody too, but you need to assess very, very carefully as to whether or not he'd go into another one of his 'rages' when he has care of the child. Save all the evidence you that points to him being a risk to you and the child, in case there is a custody battle later and you may need them.

Don't feel guilty about that. It isn't being vengeful or bitchy or mean to get child support - it's ensuring that your child gets everything she needs. If he truly cared about you and the child you had together, he would offer it off his own bat, and there might be potential for future reconciliation. If he fights back and tries to weasel out of child support, then you'll have to rely on the law to make him pay his dues.
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Old 11th October 2013, 10:48 PM   #54
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I am curious as to how long you would want him to show change, for you to accept it as permanent. I mean, you have gone from basically "I can't do this anymore" to "well, one (?) more chance" because of one conversation in which he appeared sincerely sorry. I agree with the poster who suggested seeing consistent change over the course of a year before you date him again. I think he is a ticking time bomb and I think he has proven that to you time and again. Everytime you guys have turned a corner in your mind, he comes back worse than before. It is scary. He has gone from bad to worse. You thought you saw progress/change on your trip, just back in August you said you thought there was permanent, good change. He came back swinging harder.

What is different this time?

Please don't be so quick to forgive him. A week or a couple weeks or a month isn't long enough for someone to change so drastically.

Is he in independent counseling? Anger management courses?

I would insist on both of those. tbh I think individual counseling for him is far more necessary than couples counseling as his issues go much deeper than your relationship.

Last edited by veggirl; 11th October 2013 at 10:50 PM..
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Old 12th October 2013, 8:14 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by Arabella View Post
On top of the financial worry... just the sheer amount of work that a newborn is. I won't get paid time off when she's born (just unpaid leave per state law), and there will be nobody here to help me with her. Most childcare places won't even take her until she's 2 months old... but I have to go back to work right away or I won't be able to support us.
Something to remember, unless a miracle happens he isn't going to really help you with all of those things anyhow, or if he he helps there is going to be more stress and abuse attached to the help, if his abuse ramps up the money will become his next thing to control you with.

Any person who would act the way he acted in the car doesn't care about anybody but themselves and he certainly didn't put your well being and the baby's well being above his.

I hate to say this but you should be looking for a way out before it is too late, after the baby is born you are going to feel he is your only option and you will take the abuse because you will feel you have no other choices.

IMO listening to the posters about creating your support group is something you should do now, before the baby is born.
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Old 12th October 2013, 11:10 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by Arabella View Post
With all due respect, I don't quite understand where this is coming from? I appreciate your comments, but...

I made the perfectly conscious choice to have a child with him, and I don't regret that choice based on the information I had at the time. This began after I got pregnant. Even so, he really was/is a good man when he is not behaving like this. His abusive behavior is a new problem to us, and I still believe he can overcome it if he wants to. Whether he wants to or not, it remains to be seen. It also doesn't mean I'm going to continue being his punching bag in the meantime.

You also mention a pattern, but I don't believe there is one. The reason why I'm familiar with abusive relationships is because I was in one when I was very young. I was raped, beaten, cheated on, berated... the whole deal. I left him eventually... and I learned a lot about myself and relationships in the meantime. I became a very strong and independent woman, and I had other relationships. I've never allowed that to happen again, but I do see the fact that if I'd allowed my current SO to stay at home, the situation would have escalated quickly. Hence why he's not living with me anymore.
I'm sorry for everything you've experienced. I think you will find more insight into how your past connects to your current situation through individual counseling.

Best of luck.
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Old 13th October 2013, 3:25 PM   #57
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Ab, I had a chance to go over your posting again and I must say this is a deal breaker. This reminds me of my mom and stepdad and while it's calmed down over the years, they had a relationship like this for many years. Now she is in a stuck situation. I admit my husband and I had a turbulent beginning several years ago, but there hasn't been anything physical as far as abuse in some time. We were both equal contributors to the abuse. There is some verbal abuse on my part and I think it is improving as our situation improves. Things like money difficulties really put a strain on a relationship. I have hope because both of us want to improve things. We also do a lot of things in a fit of rage and we're not thinking. My guess it your boyfriend is the same way, but he really has to want to make a change. I know growing up and seeing my mom in that type of relationship didn't help me. You are doing the best thing for your child by stopping this now.
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Old 23rd October 2013, 2:42 PM   #58
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I have not read the entire post...

But, I beg you to read this book:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

and leave this man, now.

I was raised by an emotionally and verbally step-dad (with me and my mom) and he was physically abusive with my mom (not me). He literally beat the crap out of her. I moved out when I was 17 so I no longer had to deal with it. But it continued with my mom.

He WILL NOT change. Leave now.


Good luck.
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Old 23rd October 2013, 2:46 PM   #59
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Originally Posted by Arabella View Post
There's something that I've been thinking about a lot...

Lots of women raise children by themselves, but how many do it without the support of friends and family?

Unfortunately, what little remains of my family is overseas. My mother passed away a year ago, and my father is frail of health and in bad financial situation. I have no real friends, just acquaintances, because I've moved around a lot and have had no social life over the last few years (full time work -and- school). The only people I have in the States who care about me are my ex's mother (who is like a second mother to me... we're that close) and my SO.

I make good money, but it's also a very expensive city and I have a lot of student loans to pay off. How am I going to raise a daughter while working full time to support us? I'm not even sure I could afford full-time childcare, and because of my income, I probably don't qualify for any type of assistance.

On top of the financial worry... just the sheer amount of work that a newborn is. I won't get paid time off when she's born (just unpaid leave per state law), and there will be nobody here to help me with her. Most childcare places won't even take her until she's 2 months old... but I have to go back to work right away or I won't be able to support us.

I am not afraid of leaving my SO if I have to... that much I can manage, even if it breaks my heart in the process. But I am afraid of what happens next
My ex gf dated a man she had a child with. He was physically abusive to her, put a gun in her mouth, threw her out a window once, hit her, verbally abused her, etc. She said the abuse got worse once their daughter was born.

She was living thousands of miles away from her family at the time, alone, no friends and family for support. She eventually left him (long story, police involved, he's in jail now, etc).

She is now a single mom, raising a teenage daughter. She has no family for the most part as they all abondoned her when she was in her teens. She does have good friends, though for the most part she has raised her daughter on her own.

So yes, it can be done.
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Old 23rd October 2013, 3:01 PM   #60
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So I read the entire post. pteromom, no disrepect at all, your posts here are great, but there is nothing about this relationship that is solveable.

The OP will be dead, her child will be dead, this man is SICK, and he will not change..I repeat, he will not change. And I repeat, he will not change.

OP, please PM me if you like, I can't stand to read this thread as it sickens me, sickens me, to see another man doing this and a woman even slighlty considering this man can change.
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