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Abused 22 years, then he changed.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 4th April 2013, 7:20 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Im trapped. Thats it really.

No getting out.
This is BS.
There is ALWAYS a way out....
Always.

You're planning on taking it in two-three months' time.

So, take it.
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Old 4th April 2013, 7:28 PM   #32
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I would cross the other guy off as an option. At least for now.

Whether you stay or leave your marriage, you will have healing to do and will need time and space to recalibrate yourself to normal before you will be ready to move on to a new relationship.

If this other guy doesn't get that, he's got issues of his own. He should WANT to wait until you are ready.

The only way to know if your husband has truly changed or if he's being manipulative is to wade back in. Doesn't mean you have to open your heart to him. It just means to go on dates, keep talking, and see what happens. If he does anything abusive or controlling, you will be able to walk away knowing you did everything in your power.

BUT - if it is time to leave your marriage, you NEED to spend some time on your own. Do NOT move on to a new relationship.
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Old 4th April 2013, 7:33 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by pteromom View Post
BUT - if it is time to leave your marriage, you NEED to spend some time on your own. Do NOT move on to a new relationship.
^^^^This.

Healing from an abusive relationship takes longer than ending a mutually respectful relationship that went south.

The sad, and unfair truth is---you're likely to be highly vulnerable to falling into a lopsided dynamic again. It will take time to repair the damage that abuse does to your self-esteem, and capacity for trust.

Be your own rescuer, first............
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Old 4th April 2013, 9:03 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by trippi1432 View Post
As much as I hate to bring religion into any discussions, I don't think anyone is saying to stay in a bad marriage because of God. God didn't make your husband this person he is, your husband did.
The devil didn't make him do it Tripp?

Sorry for the misplaced humor. You're right of course.

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Originally Posted by Midwestmom12 View Post
I'm so sick of the judgemental posts on this site. Thank goodness for the people here who are supportive but honestly people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Good judgement is wasted on the weak. The poster doesn't need support, she needs good judgement and clarity. In my opinion. And encouragement.

Any man that strikes a woman (except to protect a child) isn't a man. He has stripped himself of his manhood. That's my take. My opinion. Someone mentioned good judgement points to protecting the innocent. I second that.

Leave him. But do it for the right reasons. You know what they are.
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Old 4th April 2013, 10:24 PM   #35
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The devil didn't make him do it Tripp?

Sorry for the misplaced humor. You're right of course.
Not unless her husband is Satan himself I guess....again, why you don't bring religion into discussions of matters of the heart or of marriage unless you want people to throw the Bible around. At the end of the day, if you want a religious marriage, keep it between you, your husband and God...and God won't tell where you buried him...only he can judge. Yeah, that was sarcasm Steadfast...but it stopped my exH from hitting me after year 5.


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Originally Posted by Steadfast View Post
Any man that strikes a woman (except to protect a child) isn't a man. He has stripped himself of his manhood. That's my take. My opinion. Someone mentioned good judgement points to protecting the innocent. I second that.
Agreed

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Originally Posted by Steadfast View Post
Good judgement is wasted on the weak. The poster doesn't need support, she needs good judgement and clarity. In my opinion. And encouragement.
What is weak though? She does need support, not judgement. What people don't understand about co-dependent relationships and NPD is the fact that the co-dependent is like they are because they never had a support system to begin with. They saw the NPD'r as support, the wrong kind...and they go on to repeat it with the next wrong kind. Bashing them does not help....projecting wrong-doing and blaming them does not help them...they have heard that from the NPD'r in a selfish way, to keep them hooked. Sometimes it's the only thing they know.

To help them is to make them independent of themselves, to know happiness without anyone else to supply it. They come to know real relationships to be those of free will where they were not perplexed to give in, where they are free to be who they are and not judged.
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Old 4th April 2013, 11:25 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
OK....steadfast......so...breaking it down. Divorce is not justified.

I know my relationship with God does not depend on my marital condition.

So, I must stay with my husband. I must forgive him.

I must forget about this other man...who I moved away from, church and area. Trying to be faithful to God.

But I dont love my husband. My heart died to him November 2011. I felt the marriage dissolve...end. Truly. Then, WHAM...something amazing happened and I felt literally love struck by this other man. I did not seek it. I never flirt...dress in a way to attract attention.....it truly did just happen.
d
So as well as sacrificing 22 years.....and my daughters happiness. I must now sacrifice the rest of my life. My H has changed and I must thank God for that. Pray that somehow this marriage revives itself. And hope that God will help my D too.

I know the Bible too. I know what the bible says about Divorce. I know he didnt mention abuse. Or marriages dying but they do die. We are married till DEATH do us part. In my marriage the death happened 2 years ago and it was murdered by my H. Course he is sorry now. The other guy was the RESULT of my dead marriage. My soul was free suddenly...and found someone else to tie too. Do you see that?

God help me.
This post makes me very sad, because I don't believe God wants you to stay in an abusive marriage. Abusing you is a breaking of vows just like adultery.

God is a God of grace and doesn't want you to just have to endure abuse.

He hates divorce, of course, because it is painful but it doesn't mean He doesn't allow for it and won't help you through it every step of the way.

I don't agree with the post that you are re-writing history. You were abused and of course over time your heart became hard towards him. Love can die when you abuse someone long enough and cannot trust or respect that person. How could you respect him?

God can change people, and even change your heart back, but I think you need to get good counseling to help you determine whether he has made genuine changes in his life, and whether or not the marriage is salvageable of if you even have it in you to work on it with him. You can't beat yourself up though if it's not and I would think he would have to work VERY hard to show that he has radically changed. Is he in therapy?
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Old 5th April 2013, 1:32 AM   #37
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Abusing you is a breaking of vows just like adultery.
I agree, but marriage vows were written by men. It isn't a matter of faith, it's a matter of common sense.

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Originally Posted by Act Two View Post
He hates divorce, of course, because it is painful but it doesn't mean He doesn't allow for it and won't help you through it every step of the way.
If I'm reading scripture accurately, God hates the reasons for divorce. He may then, conversely, love the opportunity divorce gives the betrayed.

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Originally Posted by trippi1432 View Post
She does need support, not judgement
You have more experience than I do in this area Tripp, so I will confer to you regarding insight. That said, I don't believe it is in the OP's best interest to bring a third person into this, or any marriage. At best, it only complicates matters. That I can't 'support', using my understanding of the word. Does abuse allow anything besides the right to flee from it? Other than natural self-protection that is. Judgmental and good judgement can be seen differently, or the same. That choice is often blurred on this forum.

Honestly? I think the accusation has lost its punch.
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Old 5th April 2013, 2:39 AM   #38
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Has God been married? Has God been in an abusive relationship? Whether or not God likes someone in relationships is based a lot on people doing everything he has to say...

A marriage will not revive itself, because a marriage is not an entity in and of itself. You and your husband are what makes it exist. If you husband is being abusive the only "marriage" between you is the one on paper. And if someone were telling me to stay miserable until my death and hope a man that has abused me decides to suddenly change I would tell that person they haven't walked in my shoes. If Gods plan for you is to have a life where you are waiting for someone to die just to have a chance at living, and your daughter gets to see her mother unhappy and broken down... then I think that's a pretty sad thing to wish upon a person.

Good judgment = Don't cheat; abusing the abuser is not justified
Judgmental = Divorce isn't an option.
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Old 5th April 2013, 3:10 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Im trapped. Thats it really.

No getting out.
I, too, have felt tied to my marriage due to faith.

However, even if you feel a divorce is not justified, there is a justification for separation. You would be making it permanent, however.

I have gone out with this route in mind before and found inner peace knowing that my husband would have to work himself out and that if HE got the divorce, instead of working himself out, that would be on HIM.

I had the option to file last year, I didn't take it. We stayed separated.

We are still, technically, separated as of two years now.

I file taxes separately and have full custody of my daughter on the books.

The lease and car are in my name only post-separation.

If I need to file, or find him in an adulterous situation (again) I have a much greater hand and ability to protect myself. Nor am I dependent on his income. He makes $900 a month off of his student grant. Pffft...

Depending on your state, there is nothing against seeking custody of your daughter (I believe she would be old enough to choose to live with you.)

Get your own place. If he doesn't like it, he can go get the divorce.
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Old 5th April 2013, 5:02 AM   #40
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Some may say that my husband must love me an awful lot to have changed. He must love me an awful lot to be so sorry and admit that it his fault. He wishes he could change. He will make it up to me. He will even be my slave. (!)

But then to catch him mouthing "I dont like you" at my daughter, so I wouldnt see.....also I got the phone off my D one month previous to above event...and heard my H YELLING "Shut up...Shut up......LISTEN" at his D down the phone. He didht realise I had the phone and could hear his yellling.

He knows now that i am watching him. So I have a plan.....................

I am going to purchase some secret Cameraas......nanny cam things...and put them around. I will see what he is like when I am not around. Lets see if he has REALLY changed, or is it an act
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Old 5th April 2013, 5:34 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Some may say that my husband must love me an awful lot to have changed. He must love me an awful lot to be so sorry and admit that it his fault. He wishes he could change. He will make it up to me. He will even be my slave. (!)

But then to catch him mouthing "I dont like you" at my daughter, so I wouldnt see.....also I got the phone off my D one month previous to above event...and heard my H YELLING "Shut up...Shut up......LISTEN" at his D down the phone. He didht realise I had the phone and could hear his yellling.

He knows now that i am watching him. So I have a plan.....................

I am going to purchase some secret Cameraas......nanny cam things...and put them around. I will see what he is like when I am not around. Lets see if he has REALLY changed, or is it an act
Don't bother. It's an additional, unnecessary and totally redundant expense which is merely to add to the confirmation of what your eyes, ears and heart have already witnessed. More than once.

Look, jenna, don't start getting all wussy, weak and wimpish on us.

This is the deal: God or no God, you do not love your H and the marriage ended long ago.
Your feelings completely died, over a year ago, and your daughter is suffering through this.

There is absolutely no legal moral or social compunction that states you have to put up with this for one second longer.

Quit. Enough is enough.

Just go with what you originally planned.
July is the cut-off date.
you file.
What he does then, is his own business.
He can go float a boat for all you care, his take on it is not your concern.

Your BIGGEST concern is you, your daughter and your son.

Forget FB Romeo - focus on you and your kids.
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Old 5th April 2013, 6:19 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Some may say that my husband must love me an awful lot to have changed. He must love me an awful lot to be so sorry and admit that it his fault. He wishes he could change. He will make it up to me. He will even be my slave. (!)

But then to catch him mouthing "I dont like you" at my daughter, so I wouldnt see.....also I got the phone off my D one month previous to above event...and heard my H YELLING "Shut up...Shut up......LISTEN" at his D down the phone. He didht realise I had the phone and could hear his yellling.

He knows now that i am watching him. So I have a plan.....................

I am going to purchase some secret Cameraas......nanny cam things...and put them around. I will see what he is like when I am not around. Lets see if he has REALLY changed, or is it an act
You have caught him mouthing at your daughter. What more do you need?

Personal question here - are you sleeping with H still?

If you are sleeping with him and you do not love him, girl you are in trouble.

The way I see it is that you have been caught (within the final few steps towards freedom) into a position where you are being 'nice' by letting him stay at your place due to his commuting needs. If he is the one who suggested this, I would relate that this could be an extention of the past abuse; putting you in a position where you must be seen to be being a 'nice' and compliant wife - in order for him to not be abusive towards you. I bet if you stopped him staying he would go back fully to his abusive ways. Right now he is giving you and the kids the low fat version off the abuse you know all too well.

You need to break every negative connection before you will know how you really feel. That's how these things go... emotional abuse, which is hard to prove, combined with definate acts of abuse to weaken you into a position where you become obsessed with proving yourself.

Do something else. Break the cycle. You are 85% there already. Believe in yourself.

Gods got your back,
Take care,
Eve x

Last edited by Eve; 5th April 2013 at 6:25 AM..
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Old 5th April 2013, 6:28 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by Eve View Post
You have caught him mouthing at your daughter. What more do you need?

Personal question here - are you sleeping with H still?

If you are sleeping with him and you do not love him, girl you are in trouble.


The way I see it is that you have been caught (within the final few steps towards freedom) into a position where you are being 'nice' by letting him stay at your place due to his commuting needs. If he is the one who suggested this, I would relate that this could be an extention of the past abuse; putting you in a position where you must be seen to be being a 'nice' and compliant wife - in order for him to not be abusive towards you. I bet if you stopped him staying he would go back fully to his abusive ways. Right now he is giving you and the kids the low fat version off the abuse you know all too well.

You need to break every negative connection before you will know how you really feel. That's how these things go... emotional abuse, which is hard to prove, combined with definate acts of abuse to weaken you into a position where you become obsessed with proving yourself.

Eve x
No - apparently she hasn't slept with him for 2 years.
So what the point is in his commute, is beyond me, frankly....
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Old 5th April 2013, 6:35 AM   #44
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No - apparently she hasn't slept with him for 2 years.
So what the point is in his commute, is beyond me, frankly....
Ok, thanks for clarifying. I was concerned that that was probably too personal a question but I don't understand why else he would be staying over?

In my mind, that has to stop. It is not necessary and basically is keeping the OP open to negative experiences.

Take care,
Eve x
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Old 5th April 2013, 8:38 AM   #45
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You have more experience than I do in this area Tripp, so I will confer to you regarding insight. That said, I don't believe it is in the OP's best interest to bring a third person into this, or any marriage. At best, it only complicates matters. That I can't 'support', using my understanding of the word. Does abuse allow anything besides the right to flee from it? Other than natural self-protection that is. Judgmental and good judgement can be seen differently, or the same. That choice is often blurred on this forum.

Honestly? I think the accusation has lost its punch.
I don't condone bringing a 3rd party into a marriage either and abuse is no excuse to; however, it's more the delivery of the support. Where we here on LS like to beat the dickens out of cheaters, a person who has been emotionally, psychologically or physically abused has already taken a beating. They are already carrying their own guilt and judgement and that of their abuser, they have no support system.

I don't believe that anyone here is "supporting" Jenna going to this other man, currently, her heart is looking for a place to land and that needs to be what she gives back to herself and not looking for someone else to fix what is broken. When you are abused, you become severely broken....that is something she has to heal for her. Her husband's problems are his to own.
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