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i feel so numb/lost, i want to recover, but have no idea where to start


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Old 24th June 2012, 11:44 AM   #1
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i feel so numb/lost, i want to recover, but have no idea where to start

Iím 21 years old and have no idea what to do anymore. My story is very painful. Things have happened to me and I have done things that I feel ashamed about. I have no idea what in my life has made me who I am today, or what is normal or not. But what I do know is that I am depressed, extremely insecure, have come to loathe who I am, lost, and cannot trust anyone. This would all be okay with Me, but I now see what I wanted to ignore for a while; these things are affecting the one person that I have ever truly loved and knew loved me back: my boyfriend. I feel like a poison that has slowly crept into his life and sometimes I wish he had never met me because maybe he would just be better off. I feel so selfish for knowing that my problems are hurting/burdening him, but I just don't want to let him go.

I feel like my Entire life has been this one big lie I keep telling myself so that I can keep my head up and pretend like nothing ever happened and block everything out from my consciousness. On the outside I am a very intelligent, fun, and out-going person; everyone is always telling me how they wish they were more like me: happy all the time. And I have believed this about myself for so long. I now realize how fake it all is; it's just an image that I wanted so much for myself. I now feel like I am out of my body, looking down at this person I so direly wish I could really be, and then hating myself for who I really am. I have always had Tons of friends and never found it hard to meet people. But I have never in my life felt like I had a true friend. Anyone I was comfortable with enough to confide my secrets. Except for my boyfriend. I have slowly begun telling him some of my most painful memories, but I was only scratching the surface.

I am also very successful (especially academically) and so have always had the mentality that all mental/psychological problems can be conquered. I was "too smart" to let mental problems get in the way. I also would think about the typical "therapist" responses I would get for these types of problems and i always felt they were BS/stupid. i'm a very, overly blunt/get over it type of person. You just have to know yourself and be the only person in control of your mind. So I figured everything that has happened to me is in the past and so is not affecting me in any way in the present. No reason to dwell or be sad about it. But simply...this is completely wrong.

Here's my story. Even writing this stuff down is so painful; The things that I have done sound so Disgusting to me and I feel so ashamed that I just hate myself. But I want to recover so badly and just be happy once and for all. I feel that this is somehow a step in the right direction. I don't mean to be rude or mean, but I really want viewers to read my full story, give me true and thought-out responses/advice, because I am drowning right now...please don't tell me things I already know like I should seek therapy; I know of its potential benefits, but i have also heard some bad stories. So I have decided I am not ready for that yet. Maybe some day. If anyone would also like to message me or become "supportive buddies" I think I could really benefit from something like that. I'm not sure if people do that on this website...


When I was little (I can't even remember exactly what age) I was molested by my dad. I'm not sure exactly to what extent or how often or what not, because I have no memories before first grade, and everything until 6th grade is pretty fuzzy; just memories of me being in school. Almost no memories from outside of school.
I keep having these 2 flashback/memories that I Know are real; of being touched. At the time I had no idea whether to think it was normal because it would happen when we would be cuddling up, watching t.v. or I would come and sleep in his bed, like daughters would do...we would spoon a lot (is this weird??? do people do this?? in my household, no one ever said anything or said it was weird).
One memory was i wanted him to rub my tummy because it was hurting and it turned into touching. The other memory is fuzzy because I was sleeping, but I wokeup without my underwear next to him and I think I had peed myself; everything was wet. I was so freaked out when I woke up. I got up and went to the bathroom and I saw that I had put my underwear in the toilet (I have no idea why or any recollection).

To this day I am SO confused and feel SO lost. My dad is a good person; I Know he loves me. He has done so much for me and I can see that he really cares about me...When my mom died he took over Everything in the house. He was what allowed me to get through high school with excellence, get to an ivy league college, which he is fully paying for, and I am now on my path to going to med school, which he is also paying for. I feel SO guilty sometimes for even thinking all this stuff.........I know I sound brainwashed but i dont know what to think. he has never threatened me not to tell or anything. I have no idea if he has any idea what he did or he knows but doesnt think it was wrong?! Once (recently, I am 21), we were all eating at the dinner table and somehow my dad started saying how I got all grown up; just the other year we were still showering together naked. He laughed and said it like there was nothing wrong with it, in front of everyone..I have NO memories of showering with my dad????! Is this possible?? I feel so psychotic/crazy for thinking these things?!

Growing up I had all the classic symptoms, but refused to ever connect the dots or accept what had happened to me. I just told myself I was a messed up child. I might've been younger when this started, but I know for sure in 5th/6th grade and beyond I would masturbate, look and watch porn all the time. I would go on AIM chat rooms and have cyber sex with random people...I was never naive enough to ever think about meeting up with anyone. I would constantly do weird things, like have outlandish sexual fantasies about threesomes and orgies. I made all my stuffed animals have sex with each other and I would pretend to have sex with them. This continued as I grew older; I loved taking pictures and videos of myself naked or basically naked and loved guys' reactions online.
I never felt comfortable around my dad, but i always thought it was because we were never close and my parents would always fight. when he hugs me or touches my hand or leg or anything i get all tense and feel like cringing..
I started shoplifting at a very young age; I would constantly steal underwear. Once I got caught and felt So ashamed that I stopped.
It continues to this day although Very very rarely; I would wet the bed, Or I would wakeup because I thought I was. The sensation was so real I would get out and feel my sheets for forever to make sure they weren't wet...
Growing up, I also sleep-walked a lot...wake up in random places.
I also still have dreams sometimes that I am being raped, by strangers. IN the dream I would be scared, but enjoyed it at the same time. I'll wake up and feel so Horrid and disgusted with myself I would just cry.

Another major event in my life was when my mom died. She committed suicide and hung herself. I was the one who found her and didnt even flinch. I just calmly went to my sister's room and told her to go the bathroom. She went and saw our mom and started Freaking out. Only then did I react because my sister was holding her up while I had to cut her down. Anyways, I think I had PTSD from that because I was told that i would be screaming in the middle of the night, and be awake..but I have Absolutely no memory of any of this either.
It was a really traumatic experience and at first I hated my mom for abandoning me and my sister. I just kept thinking and still do; how could she leave us? Was I not enough for her to keep living? Maybe she didn't Really love me like normal moms?

Ever since I could remember my parents fought All the time. I mean Screaming fights. I remember once I was really really young and they threw chairs and furniture at each other and I was so scared. After that, every time they started fighting my dad would yell at me and my sister to go to our rooms and I would comply...Once my mom yelled at me that i was a bad daughter because I would just run away instead of telling them to stop fighting.

I have literally never in my life seen them show any sort of love or affection for each other, whether a hug, a look, a kiss, nothing. There was a blowout Scream fight every day.
My mom, she had every problem in the book: severe depression, alcoholism, shopping addiction, anorexia, addicted to the internet, and the list goes on. The worst part is, I knew deep down all these things were happening with her and I never once said anything. I pretended like I didn't know; even though I could hear her sometimes vomiting in the middle of the night from drinking, or early in the morning I overheard her on the phone with her friends crying, telling them she wanted to die and wanted to kill herself, or saw how depressed she was. Once, I think she attempted to OD on pills because I was downstairs and heard her stumbling upstairs all over the place. I could hear my dad yelling at her to "spit them out; throw up."....i just ignored it all. HOW MUCH OF A CRUEL, HEARTLESS, SOUL-LESS, person could I be to do all of this?????? i just keep thinking to this day that if i wasnt such a god awful horrible person, and just showed her one ounce that i cared or loved her, she would still be here today.

Once my mom yelled at me also saying that I was a horrible daughter because I never did anything to try to help my parents' situation (they fought a lot about money bc of my mom's shopping problem). She told me that I should be thinking of solutions instead of just sitting around, etc. etc. I felt So guilty and ashamed of myself...I felt like I was the cause of everything and became so sad...I felt so pained that I cut myself. When I saw blood I got all freaked out...and then felt Really really Stupid/idiotic for doing something you would see in some stupid teen film. But to this day, when I feel depressed, I feel the pain in my wrists; I'm not sure if it's bc my pulse is there. but it feels like my veins are pulsating out of my skin and it kind of hurts...i would never hurt myself but thoughts have come and gone a lot

Anyways, my dad never laid a hand on my mom except one day he started punching my mom while they were fighting. i had to pull him off and i had never been so frightened before. i found out later that he had slapped her once before...for a while my dad just left our lives completely and we had no idea what to do (i am a first generation kid, and my mom barely spoke english even though she went to the best university in our home country. so she wouldnt be able to get any supporting job).
then once while he was home, my mom tried to get money from his wallet or something and he had his arm around her neck trying to stop her...i just remember her shrieking so loud and next thing I know, cops were at our house.
after they left, he said he has never felt so ashamed and horrible about himself and said nothing like that would ever happen again. (he grew up in a domestic violent household).
It was true, he never hit my mom again; but they still fought all the time and not shortly after my mom died...

after many years, my dad has done a complete 180 and seems to have changed like crazy..he eventually remarried (she lives with us now). they seem really happy; they have spats but no fighting even close to what i remember. he is really trying/curbing his anger/yelling.

anyways, i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and i have really messed it up. for the entire time we were dating i didnt feel i deserved his love. (everything I am about to say I have Just Recently realized). he is truly an amazing and kind hearted person, who has Never Ever done Anything to hurt me. I trust him with My Life and know I can count on him to be there for me no Matter what. the thing is, I think I hate myself so much and believe that i am such a horrible person that all i deserve in a bf is to be treated like dirt. i had an ex who treated me horribly and we barely ever fought. i thought i loved him, clung onto the rare good/charming memories we had, and chose to forgive/forget every time he verbally/emotionally abused me and treated me like scum. I am such a retard: I would save all of his texts that sounded remotely sweet, even though 99% of the time he made me so unhappy. with my current bf, who treats me like a Queen and as the priority of his world; i pick fights with him about Every Single Little Thing. And make Huge deals about Everything.

Every fight that turns big, I end up Screaming at him to tell me that he doesnt really love me or never really cared about me all along. It just comes out of my mouth. I get really jealous when he mentions other girls or wants to go out with his friends because I am just Waiting for the day that he cheats on me and proves me right...........
he has done Everything for me to try and please me and nothing seems to be working.
at the end of our fights, i hate myself even more because i kept pushing him and pushing him to tell me something i wanted to hear, but obviously he would never say or do because he actually Does love me with everything. I make him feel like a bad person or get all confused as to what went wrong. i know i make him feel helpless because he wants to help me but has no idea how. he has told me numerous times how sorry he is that he is such a bad boyfriend. But he's Not. I have caused this amazing person/boyfriend whom I love to feel this pain; I have ignored all my feelings and issues from me and pushed them onto Him.

He wants to break up; last weekend we had another huge fight. it happened outside and i was screaming at him. this time, someone called the cops on us and they started questioning him up and down. nothing more came of it with the police, but my bf felt so imprisoned and horrified that he said he had had enough and couldnt deal with it anymore. i had never seen him so shaken up and traumatized; he is not one to lose his cool or temper. even when we fight it takes a lot on my part to get him mad/agitated/raise his voice. a part of my heart felt like it had died for me to have seen my actions go so far in hurting him.

i know i dont want to end things. for 3 years our problems have been going on; but there has always been something keeping us together and still happy with each other, and loving each other just as much as we always have. but im sick of it; sick of the way i make him feel and sick of being self-loathing so much that i have to take it out on him and drag him down with me. i dont want to lose the love of my life. we really understand each other on a different level, and we think/talk of the days when we can live together, get married, and start a family (he is a few years older than me). when we try to explain our fights to our friends, we really dont think people get it. our fights make absolutely no sense. he knows me very well, and my way of thinking, and the things i pick fights about, he nor anyone who knows me would think i would care about such stupid things. and I DONT. i just feel like i need to Look for any little hidden thing that will reveal he Actually is an Ass or hasnt cared for me all along.

he said he is done and i know he meant it. at first i wanted to beg for him back. but now, i feel that i really need for him to make his own decision. the first thing i really have to learn is to stop believing that i can control every situation and prediction of events. i have put him through So much for the past 3 years, kept him in the dark about my past and the reasons for my behavior. i just met with him yesterday to tell him everything about me and my past. i told him i wanted to tell him because i feel he deserves to know instead of going on thinking he is a bad person/bf. he needs to know that none of these things/problems have anything to do with him. i was also telling him more for myself..if i didnt tell him everything, i dont think i would ever tell anyone, or post on this site, or seek help. i would just keep it all to myself and block it out more until it would get worse probably. i made myself sit down, and really think about what happened, admit what has happened to me as being real, and admit that it has affected my life and that i need to stop being prideful and believe that it hasnt.

i am So sick of feeling unhappy, and thus feeling so insecure about who i am and myself. i am really sick of not being able to put one ounce of trust in Anyone. i just Wish i could hear my bf tell me something, and for me to just Believe him, and not let a thousand things run through my head about how he could be lieing.

anyways, we had a good talk about things. i want him to take me back knowing all of it so we can start over, and i will have someone to help me along. i told him that he doesnt have to feel bad for me, or take me back because of what happened to me, i dont expect Anything from him. i told him i have no idea if i will get better or how fast things will get better, i cant guarantee or see the future. what i do know is that i am determined to fix me no matter what; even if we break up i need to do it for myself to be happy. our last fight, i had pushed him to his breaking point and i saw that. i know he was emotionally drained when he broke down so if he doesnt think he can get back together, i will understand and let him go because in that case, it is for the best for him.

that is my story, and i would please like some input, opinions about anything about my story, or advice on where to start. i feel really jumbled right now because i dont know what pieces of my life fit together...i have read some responses on other threads and they have been Really great/helpful. also some self-help book suggestions that you feel apply to me?
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Old 24th June 2012, 5:27 PM   #2
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Justified, welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much since early childhood. The behaviors you describe -- the inability to trust, self loathing, feeling you are outside your body, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment (from intimacy), sudden temper tantrums, and emotional instability -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Only a professional can determine whether you "have BPD," i.e., have the full blown disorder. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult because there is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as inability to trust, self loathing, and verbal abuse. I therefore suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar.

As an initial matter, I note that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at low levels if they are emotionally healthy. At low levels, these traits are not harmful. On the contrary, they are essential to our survival, which is why they arise from our primitive ego defenses. The become a problem -- as seems to be happening with you -- only when they become strong enough to distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

Significantly, everyone experiences that same distortion whenever we experience very intense feelings. By the time we are in high school, we already know we cannot trust our own judgment of other people whenever we are infatuated or very angry with them. That's why we know to wait until we cool down before taking action. And that's why we know to wait at least a year before buying an engagement ring.

Hence, BPDers (those with strong traits) differ from other folks only in degree, not in kind. Because BPDers are unable to regulate their emotions properly, they experience intense feelings far more frequently and much more intensely. The result, then, is that their perceptions of other peoples' feelings are distorted much of the time. Making matters worse, BPDers are not good at "waiting until they cool off" before taking action. They lack that skill because the same trauma that gave them a fragile self image also prevented them from developing normal impulse control.
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I feel like my Entire life has been this one big lie I keep telling myself so that I can keep my head up
Due to genetics and/or childhood trauma, BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) typically are unable to develop an integrated, strong sense of self at age 3 or 4. They therefore go through life without having a stable strong self image to guide them.

The result is that a BPDer tends to figure out how people expect her to behave -- and then she acts in that manner. Usually, this is not done to be manipulative but, rather, to simply fit in and be loved. This is why BPDers tend to be excellent actors if they choose to enter that profession. And this is why BPDers often feel they are "being fake" and thus live in fear that the loved one will abandon them when he finds out.
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I am also very successful (especially academically).
This means that, if you are a BPDer, you are a high functioning BPDer. That is, you function very well around casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those folks pose a threat to your two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Heaven help them, however, if they try to draw close to you and establish a close LTR. When that happens -- as with your BF -- the person will start triggering one fear or the other. This is why it is common for a HF BPDer to be generous and caring all day long with casual friends and total strangers -- and then go home at night to verbally abuse the very person who loves her.

Significantly, because the two fears are the polar extremes of the same spectrum, it is impossible for a loved one to back away from one without drawing closer to the other. Hence, your BF is in the lose-lose position of triggering your fears no matter which direction he goes. As he backs away from you to give you relief from your suffocating feeling of engulfment, he will necessarily start triggering your fear of abandonment. Moreover, there is no Goldilocks position (not too far away and not too close) where he can safely stand. Such a midpoint solution does not exist.
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When I was little (I can't even remember exactly what age) I was molested by my dad. I'm not sure exactly to what extent or how often or what not, because I have no memories before first grade, and everything until 6th grade is pretty fuzzy.
A recent study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of those diagnosed with full blown BPD report having been abused or abandoned in childhood. I nonetheless caution you against jumping to any conclusions about your dad. About 30% of BPDers apparently develop it from heredity alone. And, given the tortured existence your mother suffered, it would not be surprising if you inherited a strong predisposition to BPD from her. Hence, it is unclear whether sexual abuse contributed to the development of your problems or, rather, inherited BPD traits distorted your perceptions of your dad's behavior.
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I have NO memories of showering with my dad.... I feel so psychotic/crazy for thinking these things?!
No, to be psychotic or crazy, you would have to lose touch with physical reality, e.g., believing that the TV news anchor is speaking to you personally. In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine. They have such strong feelings and fears that they have a distorted perception of other peoples' feelings. If that misperception is "being crazy," then we would have to say that every adult gets "crazy" every time he gets angry or infatuated.
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Please don't tell me ...I should seek therapy.... I have decided I am not ready for that yet.
I strongly disagree. Although you can make some progress on your own by simply reading, you won't get very far. That's why even the trained psychologists don't try to fix their own issues on their own. Instead, they all go to a trusted colleague to get an objective view from someone not subject to the distortions going on in their own minds.

Granted, about 99% of BPDers are not ready for therapy. Like the other PDs, BPD is "egosyntonic," i.e., such a natural part of the way a person has been thinking since childhood that it is invisible to the BPD sufferer. Moreover, because a BPDer hates herself, the last thing she wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself.

Yet, if I thought you were a member of that 99% group, I wouldn't be writing to you. Your post is so amazingly insightful and self critical that you appear to be extraordinarily self aware -- and likely have sufficient ego strength to seek therapy if you do have strong traits. Both of those factors -- self awareness and ego strength -- are rare among BPDers. That is why, even though excellent treatment programs are available, maybe only 1% of high functioning BPDers will seek them out and stay in them long enough to make a difference. Hence, if you decide you have strong traits, your chances of learning to control them are excellent.
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I would please like some input, opinions ...or advice on where to start.
Justified, I have several suggestions. First, I suggest you see a good clinical psychologist to obtain professional guidance. But I already said that. Second, I suggest you read Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, a favorite among the many BPDers I communicated with online.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDrecovery.com. There, you will be able to communicate with dozens of self aware BPDers, which are so rare I've never knowingly met any in my private life. Being self aware, however, does not guarantee success in therapy. Many of the "self awares" apparently lack the ego strength to tolerate the demands of doing therapy.

Of course, I'm talking only about the high functioning BPDers. The low functioning folks are in such terrible pain that they often are greatly relieved to find out what is tormenting them. With HF BPDers, on the other hand, the vast majority do not want to know. It is too scary.

I strongly advise against going to any BPD websites targeted to the "Nons," i.e., the nonBPD spouses and partners. Such sites tend to be single minded in their effort to save the Nons from toxic relationships. Because the newbie Nons are mesmerized by the attractive features of BPDers, nearly all the discussion at such sites are one-sided negative information intended to slap some sense into them. But the result is that the information is too black-white, especially black.

Finally, if you would like to read my description of typical BPDer behavior, you may want to check out my posts in Rebel's thread at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If you find that my discussion of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss them further with you. Take care, Justified.
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Old 24th June 2012, 10:35 PM   #3
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i guess my thread post was too long...
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Old 24th June 2012, 11:26 PM   #4
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Justified, welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much since childhood. Several hours ago, I wrote you a response that is even longer than your post. Indeed, it is so long that it automactically triggered a holding pattern. It will be posted, probably tomorrow, if one of the moderators approves of it. As I explain in that post, the behavioral traits you describe are consistent with a well-known syndrome -- for which many excellent treatment programs are available in all first world countries.

As to the length of your post, there are many of us here on LS who actually prefer the added detail. It means we don't have to ask two dozen questions to obtain it later.
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Old 24th June 2012, 11:56 PM   #5
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Justified, welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much since childhood. Several hours ago, I wrote you a response that is even longer than your post. Indeed, it is so long that it automactically triggered a holding pattern. It will be posted, probably tomorrow, if one of the moderators approves of it. As I explain in that post, the behavioral traits you describe are consistent with a well-known syndrome -- for which many excellent treatment programs are available in all first world countries.

As to the length of your post, there are many of us here on LS who actually prefer the added detail. It means we don't have to ask two dozen questions to obtain it later.
thank you thank you. i hope they approve it soon :/
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Old 25th June 2012, 12:27 AM   #6
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Justified, several cautions are in order. First, as I explain in that other post, I cannot diagnose whether or not you have a full blown disorder. I am not a psychologist and I've never even met you.

Second, I also cannot tell you whether you have the traits at a strong level. Instead, I can only tell you what pattern they belong to and, until you are willing to speak with a professional, you will have to determine for yourself whether the traits are strong. As I will explain, spotting the red flags is not difficult once you know what to look for. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about these behavioral traits. I therefore am suggesting a book for you to read. If you have that set of traits at a strong level, you likely will feel like you are reading the story of your life when you read the book.

Third, although many excellent treatment programs are available for such traits -- if you decide you have them at a strong level -- your inability to trust people will make it difficult for you to bond with the therapist and trust him. Yet, given the keen self awareness and determination evident in your post, I believe you have an excellent chance of pulling it off (again, assuming you have those traits at a strong level).
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Old 25th June 2012, 1:12 AM   #7
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Justified, several cautions are in order. First, as I explain in that other post, I cannot diagnose whether or not you have a full blown disorder. I am not a psychologist and I've never even met you.

Second, I also cannot tell you whether you have the traits at a strong level. Instead, I can only tell you what pattern they belong to and, until you are willing to speak with a professional, you will have to determine for yourself whether the traits are strong. As I will explain, spotting the red flags is not difficult once you know what to look for. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about these behavioral traits. I therefore am suggesting a book for you to read. If you have that set of traits at a strong level, you likely will feel like you are reading the story of your life when you read the book.

Third, although many excellent treatment programs are available for such traits -- if you decide you have them at a strong level -- your inability to trust people will make it difficult for you to bond with the therapist and trust him. Yet, given the keen self awareness and determination evident in your post, I believe you have an excellent chance of pulling it off (again, assuming you have those traits at a strong level).
okay i understand. i do strongly feel like there is something wrong with me psychologically....but i realize it and want to get better...
about therapists...yes, i feel like i just cannot trust them or will be able to trust one....even when i told my bf about my past, the most painful parts i just could not get myself to say them out loud. i had to make my bf guess so that he would say them and then me tell him it was right and then elaborate...

anyways, i still thank you for your responses and hope i get to read them soon
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Old 25th June 2012, 11:48 PM   #8
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why isnt the response being posted :/
did it get rejected?
maybe you could post in segments at a time or private message me your long response if you had it saved or something Downtown?
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Old 26th June 2012, 12:09 AM   #9
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Please be patient, Justified. It took me 3 hours to write it and the page disappeared when I clicked on send. (I would have saved a copy but I've never had trouble before in sending here on LS.) Then a message appeared -- which I had never seen before in two years of posting -- saying that a moderator would have to approve the post, a process that could take up to 48 hours. No explanation was offered for the need for approval.

Earlier that same day, however, I noticed that someone posted a message that was about 5 times longer than your initial post. I've never seen such a long post before. I therefore suspect that a new filter on length was put into place to prevent a re-occurrence. Or perhaps I just wrote so much that I triggered a filter that had always been in place. In any event, it should be posted by tomorrow if approved. Sorry for the delay.
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Old 26th June 2012, 12:24 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Downtown View Post
Please be patient, Justified. It took me 3 hours to write it and the page disappeared when I clicked on send. (I would have saved a copy but I've never had trouble before in sending here on LS.) Then a message appeared -- which I had never seen before in two years of posting -- saying that a moderator would have to approve the post, a process that could take up to 48 hours. No explanation was offered for the need for approval.

Earlier that same day, however, I noticed that someone posted a message that was about 5 times longer than your initial post. I've never seen such a long post before. I therefore suspect that a new filter on length was put into place to prevent a re-occurrence. Or perhaps I just wrote so much that I triggered a filter that had always been in place. In any event, it should be posted by tomorrow if approved. Sorry for the delay.
okay thank you Downtown~
i will be patient and wait!
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Old 26th June 2012, 10:12 PM   #11
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First of all, I suspect it was content, and not mere length that caused a sincere response to need authorization. AND I'm guessing that any sincere response to this will be posted.
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Old 26th June 2012, 10:45 PM   #12
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Justified:

Your story and your ability to share it as you did are amazing.


You are such a great match to go through (extensive - I'm not gonna lie) therapy successfully.

And it is fairly important that you take advantage of Student Health Services or the like at your university to begin the long path of therapy. IT's there - you're likely far from home, and you can incorporate therapy into your routine for minimal cost.

(cost could be a barrier later in life - so really consider starting now)


Something in your favor, which you probably cannot even recognize right now, is that so many OF the various past and present experiences you share are indeed causes and effects of the same abusive roots.

The fact that so much is *connected* in your story suggests that full understanding will be much, much easier for a therapist and then for you.


After reading your story once, my mind already conceives the reasonable scenario which had your own mother a one-time abuse victim way back when - which is what would have attracted her to an abusive husband later. The point at which she may have gone off the deep end (internally) was when learning (somehow) that her own daughters had been victimized by this man she selected. That despite probable strong resolve that daughters of hers would not be made to live like she (probably) did.

But I think we all know that you, despite your book smarts and your accomplishments, are gonna keep resisting therapy until your own life suffers another catastrophy somewhere, and only then might the smart girl within you resign herself to try to claw her way out of the emotional gutter and submit to the challenge of therapy. (do you really want to take HUGE steps backward before embarking upon the journey that may rescue your life from it's current trajectory???)

So here's a greatly beneficial near-term idea that could really help you in the present, while not requiring that you speak to another soul about what you've shared:

I want you to search hi and low for the radio show called "Loveline" (with "Doctor Drew")(lovelineshow.com) ... and I want you to listen to it steadily (perhaps until the very moment when you consent to get your butt to therapy). (if it isn't on the radio in your area - use the internet and listen regularly online - at any time-cost) (also, do not think that Drew's TV show is anything near to the radio show - don't bother with the TV show - you need the understandings that will be aired nightly on "Loveline" as other callers with similar stories call in for advice {that you could use} ). From so doing you will be made to clearly understand that many of the experiences about which you feel "guilty"... are directly connected to those innocent abuses done onto you by your father.

At any rate, and in the way of a helpful response, do your very best to make the guilt-inducing experiences and choices less prominent in your mind - you will learn that they were merely effects which were caused by your father's (and your mother's early-life tormenter's) abuses.

It would be a lie to tell you that any of this was going to be especially easy, but you have what it takes to avoid the perils of your 20's, and to apply yourself to therapy very soon.

The main purpose of therapy is to provide you a strong and dependable relationship with at least someone.

Keep us posted, won't you?
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Old 27th June 2012, 12:09 AM   #13
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thank you, your response has made me feel better and less Crazy.
i really wasn't sure if my story made any sense or if it Really connected to my life now like I thought it could have, or i was just making excuses for my behavior and thinking crazy thoughts...
you're right, i am scared to go to therapy, one because i dont feel like i would ever be able to trust a stranger. i mean it took me 3 years just to reveal to my bf some of the troubles i faced with my mom, and i had decided i would never tell him about my abuse even if we were to ever marry. the only reason i told him was because he wanted to breakup and i didnt feel right letting him think all of my issues had anything to do with him or that he was a bad person...and two, i know some people who used our student health service at our school for counseling and had really bad experiences, ones that set them back even more...

i think one day i will be confident enough/stable enough to try therapists - but i will definitely listen to your recommendation of that site and listen to it first til im ready.
thanks again i will keep this updated
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Old 27th June 2012, 8:41 AM   #14
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Justified, if my post doesn't appear by this weekend, I will rewrite most of it. During the week, I don't have the time because I work most of the day. Among other things, my post explains that you are describing having two great fears: abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy). If so, you likely have been struggling with those two fears since about age 3 or 4.

The abandonment fear is easily triggered whenever your BF does some minor thing that makes you question his loyalty and his love. Until you learn how to love and trust yourself, it will be impossible to love and trust anyone else. But excellent treatment programs are available to teach you how to do exactly that.

Similarly, the engulfment fear is easily triggered whenever your BF spends an intimate evening or a great weekend together with you. Although you crave love and intimacy like everyone else, you likely find the experience very uncomfortable -- even frightening at times -- because you feel you are vanishing into thin air, being taken over by his strong personality. It is a feeling of being controlled or suffocated by him. To get breathing space and a sense of your own identity, you will push him away -- usually by creating an argument over nothing. This is why it is difficult to recall what you two were arguing over. And this is why your worst arguments will tend to happen right after your very best times (when you were having a wonderful intimate experience). The engulfment fear arises because you have a weak, unstable sense of who you are -- which is why you sometimes feel "fake," feel you have an emptiness inside, and may even feel you are "outside your body" at times.

The main reason that the combination of these two fears is so devastating to your close relationships is that they both lie on the very same spectrum. That is, they are the two polar extremes of the same spectrum. This means that you and your BF are in a lose-lose situation. As he backs away to give you breathing space and avoid triggering your engulfment fear, he is necessarily moving closer to your abandonment fear at the other end of the spectrum.

Significantly, his repeated attempts to find a Goldilocks position -- not too close but not too far away -- all likely will end in failure until you get professional guidance. Such a midpoint solution cannot exist until you've had several years of training to learn how to reduce those two fears -- and how to do self soothing to calm yourself down.

Last edited by Downtown; 27th June 2012 at 8:46 AM..
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Old 27th June 2012, 2:51 PM   #15
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YeS, i Always feel like he will abandon me, find someone better he feels he connects more with, find someone more attractive..a bunch of thoughts like those. whether i choose to get mad at something little or something legitimate, i always end up thinking those same thoughts, and turning the whole thing into an issue of: was our whole relationship a lie? does he want to be with me less because he finds me less interesting? etc etc

everything you said about engulfment hit the mark also...i'm not sure i can remember specific times when i feel "controlled" or"suffocated" by him; i want to say i havent? maybe because those are strong words.. But i did break up with him once before because he had been talking a lot about marriage and i felt like i needed to get out of the relationship because i felt like i realized i was losing a sense of self and independence and was really really scared that some day there could be the possibility that we could end up like my parents; obviously at some point in their lives they thought they were perfect for each other and were in love so got married..
but then i realized that was mistake to break over thoughts/worries like that so we got back together; but the ideas are still in my head..

what you said about being the same spectrum - YES, sometimes i feel So trapped in my own warped thinking, that i really think i'm losing it or dont have any sort of grasp on my mind or what i want. My boyfriend is always telling me that he feels helpless when we fight because Everything that he tries to reconcile doesnt work and makes me more mad, and nothing satisfies me...he will keep quiet or take a step back, which will make me pissed because i feel he is giving up or just doesnt want to deal with me..and if he tries to console me and hug me and make a joke i get pissed because i say to get off or things like: you cant just kiss me and think its all resolved..then at the very end after we've fought, if he doesnt try to hug me or console me, i get mad because i feel like he should comfort me and i feel cold/abandoned if he doesnt...but he says since we just fought he just doesnt feel in the mood to cuddle

i just feel so helpless as to what to do to train myself as you said...i always feel like this - just an endless cycle
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