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How would you feel if your ex sincerely apologized?


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Old 6th March 2012, 11:41 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by BewitchedandBothered View Post
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is one my ex always used. or "well you did this...." etc. Basically everything he did that was hurtful was because I caused it in his eyes.
I'm sorry you feel this way is a piece of junk. It's apologizing without really apologizing. It's not a true apology. When someone says that, the person does not take responsibility when he or she says that.

BewitchedandBothered, I've read a lot of your posts and it is apparent to me that your ex is a complete bombaclot and a nauseating fool.
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Old 7th March 2012, 12:36 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by CopingGal View Post
I'm sorry you feel this way is a piece of junk. It's apologizing without really apologizing. It's not a true apology. When someone says that, the person does not take responsibility when he or she says that.

BewitchedandBothered, I've read a lot of your posts and it is apparent to me that your ex is a complete bombaclot and a nauseating fool.
There was one time he wanted me to apologize to him for something-in my heart it didn't feel right, I could hear him smiling on the phone, if you know what I mean, when I gave in and apologized. He had respect for these other women and would get angry if I said something that may offend them; he wanted me to apologize to this one woman he always kept bringing up. I didn't like her flirting on his page and I made a remark, but then deleted it. He saw it in his email and flipped out on me and demanded that I apologize to her.

He and she blocked me (he blocked and unblocked me many, many, many times). CopingGal, that's my point, everyone saw he was a tool and a few tried warning me about him. I am starting to doubt he will stop this douchebaggery just because he has a new girl. Unless she is so spectacular that he had a life altering epiphany.
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Old 7th March 2012, 3:57 AM   #18
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It was mean to put you through that. I know what it's like to have women thrown in your face again and again and again. That's why I went NC. The only way to stop the psychological abuse was to completely kick him out of my life. I removed every single thing he ever gave me from my home. I'm prepared to go to the police should he start contacting me again. I had to stand up for myself against that self-centered pile of garbage.
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Old 9th March 2012, 11:47 AM   #19
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Agree with Bewitched , and sorry nothing against you but why would you put her thru all of that abuse if you loved her ? That is NOT LOVE at all. And u saying now that u loved her is telling me you have def not changed. And I feel ur intentions are for urself not her. To try to make urself feel better about being so crappy to a woman u "loved". I have been in alot of abusive relationships and trust me, I wouldnt believe any of them who said they were sorry. I LOVE my child , she is 14 and can get pretty mouthy , so when she tests me to my wits end, because I LOVE her I walk away and dont verbally or physically abuse her. I would rather cut my tongue out or my hands off. U need to realize one thing abuse is not about LOVE it is about CONTROL
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Old 9th March 2012, 12:00 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by mehtaad View Post
Thank you so much for your reply, and I agree it is way too overdue
I'm not sure whether I should email her or send a letter. She still lives at home and her mom can be a bit nosy but handwritten letter just seems more personal and sincere.
I like the idea of a letter. If you can deal with her mother reading it, that says something to me about the words in the letter. It says you mean them, they are heartfelt and honest. It may be embarrassing but a pinch of humility and confidence in your own truth is all that's needed to deal with that.
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Old 9th March 2012, 12:03 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by tornangel View Post
Agree with Bewitched , and sorry nothing against you but why would you put her thru all of that abuse if you loved her ? That is NOT LOVE at all. And u saying now that u loved her is telling me you have def not changed. And I feel ur intentions are for urself not her. To try to make urself feel better about being so crappy to a woman u "loved". I have been in alot of abusive relationships and trust me, I wouldnt believe any of them who said they were sorry. I LOVE my child , she is 14 and can get pretty mouthy , so when she tests me to my wits end, because I LOVE her I walk away and dont verbally or physically abuse her. I would rather cut my tongue out or my hands off. U need to realize one thing abuse is not about LOVE it is about CONTROL
I wholeheartedly agree. I think it would be good if the OP just left her alone. Let her tend to her wounds.
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Old 12th March 2012, 5:45 PM   #22
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having been abused both mentally and physically by one of my ex's.. it would depend on HOW he apologized... im sure he would only give it a go to try to get me back into bed which wouldn't happen EVER...

HOWEVER

if he was sincere sounding as you OP i might buy it.... and probably feel some closure.. but then i would go right back to living my life and having nothing to do with him...

Honestly.. i'd say go for it... tell her you arn't looking for anything from her not even a response BUT (insert your heartfelt apologies here) and wish her the best....

But hey.. everyones different..
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Old 17th March 2012, 12:32 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by mehtaad View Post
Hello everyone,
My ex and I broke up 6 months ago after almost 3 years of a relationship in which I treated her horribly.

I would get very angry towards her about minor things and hold resentment against her for it for months. I was very critical and judgmental of her opinions and behaviors, and undermined her already low self-confidence.

She had confronted me about this behavior many times and I did improve a little, but I was in deep denial about how much of a despicable person I really was to her. No one wants to admit to their flaws, especially ones such as these.

I would justify all of that by saying that she "deserved" it because of something (minor) she had done recently in order to avoid blaming the real culprit; myself.

The weird thing is, I really did love her a lot and showed it all the time...I wasn't a monster all the time. I bought her presents, took her out and helped her out with a lot of issues in her life. I don't understand how someone can love someone but still cause so much pain to them. The thing that makes it worse is that she loved me more than anything and tried SO hard to make me happy.

We were actually the best of friends and she knew every little thing about me and I about her. We would stay up all night just talking, she was my first real friend.

A month after we broke up, I told her the most hurtful things I've ever said to her, and even though I apologized fervently afterwards, that was the end point for her and we haven't talked since (so its been around 4 months).

Although its only been 6 months, I've changed my attitude and overlook on life and have generally matured quite a bit. We started dating when we were only 15 years old and when we broke up, I had just moved to another city for university. I think the independence and break up have really helped me face my fears, better understand myself and grow as a person.

I am not sad about my break up with her anymore. Even though I still love and care about her, I know too much has happened to rekindle the relationship and I honestly just want her to be happy.

The only thing I feel now is guilt and sadness towards my actions. She's been through various abuse (sexual and emotional) her whole life and instead of being there for her, I just added to the truama in her life.

I want to apologize to her for all my actions, and tell her that it wasn't HER fault...those were my problems and she had nothing to do with them. She hadn't done anything wrong and I really did appreciate everything she did for me while we were together.

I know it can't erase what happened but I hope it would make her feel better and give her reassurance that she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, from me or anybody else (she blames herself for her past abuse and I have a feeling that she thinks she always 'deserves' bad things to happen to her and isn't a good enough person to deserve happiness).

I tried searching online but there weren't many results at all.

So please tell me, how would you feel if your ex sincerely apologized to you for their actions? Should I do this or will hearing from me just throw off her healing process? If so, should I do this a little while later, like maybe another 6 months? I don't want to get back in contact, just apologize and that's it.

Thank you so much for reading (I know it was long, sorry!) in advance.
She deserves better...sorry. You treated her like a dog and she shouldn't come pouting back to you.

I never give second chances for crap they pull off. I dealt with a BPD person, and a dumb person...no chances, no forgiveness.
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Old 17th March 2012, 6:11 PM   #24
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Apologize. Definitely.

This girl has severe self-esteem issues and is a survivor of some pretty serious abuse. Yes. It is her life and she will have to figure it out by herself, but support and validation is never a bad thing, especially this kind. Low self-worth is the worst, as it effects every other area of life: work, relationships, school, friends, etc.

When you apologize, however, do so mindfully. No hope for future reconciliation. Just telling her what you said above. Absolve her of responsibility for your abusive behavior. She deserves some peace.

And good for you for owning up to your behavior, especially at such a young age. Keep up that self-improvement and self-honesty. Continue to look inward and ask the difficult questions. Be a good, loving man.
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Old 17th March 2012, 6:59 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by denise_xo View Post
I admire you for turning things around and working on yourself, though.
One of the big myths about therapy is that people who go through it make big changes. Most of the time they stay pretty much the same, except they are now fluent in therapy talk. It really seems to me mehtaad like you're just trying to wedge your way back into her life, there is nothing good that can come from doing this. She's heard your apologies 1000 times before and she knows very well that you're never really sorry for what you do because you just go and do it again.

As a girl who grew up in an abusive situation she probably has a part of her that seeks out abuse and you sending this message might give her a chance to revert to someone who's bad for her (you) which would be a pity if she's actually managed to find a decent person and break the cycle. Basically you're proposing to wave a bottle of alcohol in front of an alcoholic and justifying how good it might be for her.

If you were truly changed then you would find a new girl to create a healthy kind of relationship with, not feel the need to start up communication again with the one who put up with your nonsense before. Somehow I have a feeling you will end up contacting her though.

Last edited by gaius; 17th March 2012 at 7:02 PM..
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Old 17th March 2012, 11:56 PM   #26
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gaius- I , and many others that absolutely did follow thru on therapy DID change our lives. Its called growing up and DEALING DEAD ON . Some days are better then others. Luckily when people do change they get ALOT of ribbing about it...it takes repeated positive action to "prove" that change has been absorbed. Sorry that you are a non beleiver. Where did you get your research data from? I got mine from living it and doing it!

to the OP: I really do hope you get the opportunity to apologize. Do so without "excuses"...I shudder to recall the many lame times a guy has apologized and then tagged it with "gee I was a LIitle drunk ...a little ( insert any excuse you want).
A Sincere apology is said with sensitivity for the receiver and with the humility/empathy to accept the consequences...in this case...she may just toss you to the curb...but say your peace...and mean it. No excuses need be made.
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Old 18th March 2012, 12:19 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BewitchedandBothered View Post
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is one my ex always used. or "well you did this...." etc. Basically everything he did that was hurtful was because I caused it in his eyes.
Ditto for my ex!

Never took responsibility for any of his actions or words. He never once apologized to me. Once he said "I would apologize, but I feel as if that wouldn't be respecting myself or my efforts."

Honestly?
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Old 19th March 2012, 2:42 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by Tayla View Post
gaius- I , and many others that absolutely did follow thru on therapy DID change our lives. Its called growing up and DEALING DEAD ON . Some days are better then others. Luckily when people do change they get ALOT of ribbing about it...it takes repeated positive action to "prove" that change has been absorbed. Sorry that you are a non beleiver. Where did you get your research data from? I got mine from living it and doing it!
I got mine from being around people who went through therapy and didn't change one bit. Noticing that others let them get away with it too was sickening, just because they brought out that therapy card and talked about all their issues in a therapeutic way. It reminds me of back in the day when you could just pay the church to cleanse your sins. Seriously, did anything mehtaad post really make you think he/she has had a big change in mindset? All I see is a person who's happens to be single gravitating back towards the person who put up with their abuse. While armed with a new weapon, after their plain old sorry stopped working.

There is one girl who probably owes me an apology, but I wouldn't want it from her. I know she doesn't mean it from experience, and if she sent me a letter one day saying so I would be offended that she thought I was stupid enough to fall for it yet again. The only way my mind would allow myself to think she was serious was if I wanted a connection with her again, and connecting again with a person like that who's so awful for you would not be good for me. Or Mehtaad's ex.
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Old 23rd March 2012, 1:07 PM   #29
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A lot of people who do damage to others do it "with a song in their heart." In other words, they feel entitiled to do it. They feel that it is their right to step on people...so no they don't apologize because they literally feel that they were entitled to treat others that way.
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Old 23rd March 2012, 8:42 PM   #30
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I think a letter revealing your abuse may be healing (if it is not to try and win her back, but done with a sincere heart). I left my husband, whom I still love very much, about 5 weeks ago due to verbal/emotional abuse and to be honest I would LOVE a sincere letter of apology.

He, like others have posted, blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in our relationship...even though he is an alcoholic that tried to control the hell out of me, and we did nothing unless it was convienent to him, his daughter, and his alcohol.

I would still not go back to him (and have maintained NC), but I would love to know that he realises what a piece of sh*t he is/was.
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