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Old 15th January 2012, 2:09 AM   #226
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Originally Posted by c0nfuzd View Post
my changes only happened 6 months ago and were quite drastic; I understand why she can't believe them; what I can't understand is why she won't give me time to show they are for real
Because, she is ALREADY INVESTED in an EA (if not, a PA) elsewhere & u doing such a dramatic 180 has completely changed the (to some extent guilt free based upon yr treatment of her & the M) relational landscape for her.

I know you've stated that your W would never do such a thing, but my gut feeling reading yr posts is telling me strongly that this is exactly what is going on here. Yr W is HUMAN. It would b perfectly understandable (although still unacceptable), if in the circumstances you have described, yr W turned to another man for comfort & support quite some ago. Surely, you don't think yr W is an angelic saint? No-one is & ppl are more likely to make mistakes wen they r under pressure & duress such as yr W has been for a very long time. In addition to explaining y yr W isn't over the moon abt yr last ditch effort to save the M, (notwithstanding tht of course it will take time for trust b.tween u to b re-established & 4 the M to heal) it also explains why yr W can't look you in the eye when she communicates w u.

As another poster noted yr W emotionally checked out of the M & resolved to D LONG BEFORE announcing her intentions to you. You brought this upon yrself by yr years of neglect of her & the family, substance abuse & verbal abuse. What u r not responsible for is how she is managing her exit. Go bk to yr comment where yr W offered 2 'break off' her 'friendship' w her boss for you 'if you wanted'. This huge RED FLAG indicates tht something is NOT RIGHT in the r.ship b.tween yr W & her boss. Yr W should never have had a personal 'friendship' w her boss outside of the workplace in the first place. That such a thing exists is a violation of personal & professional boundaries. The fact that yr W's boss visits yr home on weekends including wen u r not there, is EXTRAORDINARY! I don't mean to sound blunt as I can clearly see tht u love yr W & children dearly, but for goodness sakes, WAKE UP & take the rose colored glasses OFF! There are two people in this M & both have acted in ways leading to what at this stage looks like it's ultimate demise.

When u are confident & can accept tht no matter what u do or don't do tht u may still lose the M & tht even if this happens U WILL B OK, u need to confront yr W. She is holding off serving papers for the D not only b.cuz u hav been ill but b.cuz yr 180 is causing her reconsider. The reason she gas not committed to a last ditch JOINT EFFORT to save the M is because yr 180 has put a spanner in the works re HER SECRET INVOLVEMENT (b it EA or PA) which may or may not @ this stage include future plans w a THIRD PARTY (glaringly obviously most likely her boss!)
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Last edited by LilMissMovinOn; 15th January 2012 at 2:34 AM..
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Old 18th January 2012, 11:36 AM   #227
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LilMissMovinOn View Post
You have cheated yr wife & children financially via $ wasted on yr drug use.

Elsewhere you state that you are 'too smart' to revert to active drug use. Addiction does not discriminate. It is an illness (or dis-ease as in arising out of being ill at ease w yrself) which is progressive, incurable & fatal. It can however be arrested one day at a time & recovery is then possible.

I would strongly suggest you attend daily meetings of Narcotics Anonymous in your area. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I would be interested to hear your thoughts at the end of this exercise.

Your best thinking got you where you are today & you can't fix your own thinking with your own thinking. Do not underestimate the power of addiction. You sound very nieve. Go to NA. It's the only thing which works for long term recovery from substance abuse. You have everything to gain & nothing much left to lose.
I did try to go to NA and they would not take me; said there is a waiting list in my city and based on my details, I am not a priority for them but to come back at a later date if I start using again; I've officially been drug-free 8 months now
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Old 18th January 2012, 11:49 AM   #228
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Originally Posted by LilMissMovinOn View Post
Because, she is ALREADY INVESTED in an EA (if not, a PA) elsewhere & u doing such a dramatic 180 has completely changed the (to some extent guilt free based upon yr treatment of her & the M) relational landscape for her.

I know you've stated that your W would never do such a thing, but my gut feeling reading yr posts is telling me strongly that this is exactly what is going on here. Yr W is HUMAN. It would b perfectly understandable (although still unacceptable), if in the circumstances you have described, yr W turned to another man for comfort & support quite some ago. Surely, you don't think yr W is an angelic saint? No-one is & ppl are more likely to make mistakes wen they r under pressure & duress such as yr W has been for a very long time. In addition to explaining y yr W isn't over the moon abt yr last ditch effort to save the M, (notwithstanding tht of course it will take time for trust b.tween u to b re-established & 4 the M to heal) it also explains why yr W can't look you in the eye when she communicates w u.

As another poster noted yr W emotionally checked out of the M & resolved to D LONG BEFORE announcing her intentions to you. You brought this upon yrself by yr years of neglect of her & the family, substance abuse & verbal abuse. What u r not responsible for is how she is managing her exit. Go bk to yr comment where yr W offered 2 'break off' her 'friendship' w her boss for you 'if you wanted'. This huge RED FLAG indicates tht something is NOT RIGHT in the r.ship b.tween yr W & her boss. Yr W should never have had a personal 'friendship' w her boss outside of the workplace in the first place. That such a thing exists is a violation of personal & professional boundaries. The fact that yr W's boss visits yr home on weekends including wen u r not there, is EXTRAORDINARY! I don't mean to sound blunt as I can clearly see tht u love yr W & children dearly, but for goodness sakes, WAKE UP & take the rose colored glasses OFF! There are two people in this M & both have acted in ways leading to what at this stage looks like it's ultimate demise.

When u are confident & can accept tht no matter what u do or don't do tht u may still lose the M & tht even if this happens U WILL B OK, u need to confront yr W. She is holding off serving papers for the D not only b.cuz u hav been ill but b.cuz yr 180 is causing her reconsider. The reason she gas not committed to a last ditch JOINT EFFORT to save the M is because yr 180 has put a spanner in the works re HER SECRET INVOLVEMENT (b it EA or PA) which may or may not @ this stage include future plans w a THIRD PARTY (glaringly obviously most likely her boss!)
LilMiss, your post is bang on....I have not updated this thread for some time because there have been major developments and I wanted to make sure she is not reading this site before I post againeffectively I have uncovered that my angelic wife has been having an affair; to this day she will not admit it; I simply showed her one chat from my arsenal of evidence; she thought she could talk her way around it......lamethe red flags have been numerous all along and because I was high I couldn't see them; her A has been going on since Dec 2010 (that is the first email to him where she simply misses him, and there is no ILU in it)I now have pics of her and him in bed together, pics of them engaging in their A while on company time (business trips), I have emails of her professing her undying love and eternal companionship to him, etc.....so where do we go from here? I fully understand why she did what she did; what I can't understand is her unwillingness to be honest and admit to sleeping with him and having an Aone thing that she has decided to do is to make our M work; I think part of her sees the futility of her A and that it cannot become the relationship she wants it to be; but until she does terminate her A, we cannot even start to reconcile; she wants to do MC but I refuse as long as she has feelings for OM which she has not deniedshe consistently lies about everything related to this A and it's hard for me to trust her; when I show her all the evidence I have, I will ask for passwords to her BB/email/computer; I will also ask to become part of all family events unconditionally and I will ask that she be with me on all her errands; I have proof that while I was in hospital for surgery, she dropped the kids in someone else's care and had a fun day with OM; who knows how many times she has done this? she will have to make a decision as to whether she wants to put in all this effort to save the M, or I walk away and she can continue her fraudulent AI feel sorry for the children that this is the kind of dishonesty they see in this marriage; I know I made mistakes but at least I've admitted them and changed....she can't even admit her mistake, so how can I believe she will change?

Last edited by c0nfuzd; 18th January 2012 at 12:01 PM..
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Old 18th January 2012, 3:37 PM   #229
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You should ask to have this moved to the Infidelity section. You'll get a lot more help.
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Old 19th January 2012, 7:56 AM   #230
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better yet, I will start a new thread in the Infidelity forum and link to this thread for those that care to read the history of it all

Last edited by c0nfuzd; 19th January 2012 at 8:03 AM..
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Old 19th January 2012, 8:04 PM   #231
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continuation of my story is now here

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...02#post3806502
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Old 13th February 2012, 12:14 PM   #232
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Originally Posted by c0nfuzd View Post

I have done some counseling already and that has helped me a lot personally. I did 4 sessions and the counselor said that the only added benefit from going any further would be to persuade me in getting past the pain of the impending divorce. He otherwise did not see what else he could do for me. But I don't want to get past the pain of divorce. I can't see myself divorced. When and if I do get divorced, I would seek his help again.

I am confused by what this therapist said, as it sounds to me like you need intense therapy in dealing with your anger issues, even if you are on medication for it (I don't know if you are on meds for that). I suggest you talk to another therapist. Do some research and find a therapist that deals with anger issues and marriage issues.

Your wife is acting this way because she has suffered so much in the marriage. I think it's great that you can be honest about this and seek help.
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