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emotionally abusive relationship


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Old 15th December 2009, 12:19 AM   #1
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Unhappy emotionally abusive relationship

this is so hard. i am in the middle of ending my 1yr relationship with my emotionally abusive boyfriend. he does keep trying to call me. if i don't answer he sends texts that he know will upset me, or leaves me mean voice mails. i do feel sad though, i feel as if i do love him. but in the one yr that we were together, 7 months we lived together, during the seven months, i left him 7 times!! but then he always lured me back, saying he was sorry, he loves me so much , he never loved anyone like he loves me, wants to grow old with me ....blah! blah! blah! of course i fell for it. but not this time...i have been away for a month. i have seen him a few times....but each time he gives me ultimatiums, or says he'll get another girl in 2 seconds if i contine to be away from him. UGH!! a reader reccommened that i read a book..."why does he do that?"inside the minds of angry and controlling men. by:Lundy Bancroft. It is helping me...so i highly reccommend it to anyone who is going through any kind of abusive realitionship!! so hang in there everyone...i am trying too!!
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Old 15th December 2009, 12:29 AM   #2
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Glad to hear that you have started the process of learning about the mind of an abuser. They are soul suckers that can never be happy. I am recovering from physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Left my abuser 16 yrs ago and the xh 3 years ago. The marriage was not as bad as the earlier r when I was a teen.

I also realized that I was in an abusive sitaution because I didn't know about boundaries or how to enforce them. I now don't even like men to use profanity around me because I don't. I am more aware when someone is trying to control or manipulate me and so will you the more you arm yourself with knowledge. I would go NC with the bf because its pretty much impossible to love someone else when they know we don't completely love ourselves. PM me anytime.

I feel sorry for the next girl he gets. Hopefully, she can take care of herself with him. They are such cunning people.

I wish you the best on your journey to healthy relationships. It does get better. Some counseling may be in order if you have been badly damaged.
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Old 15th December 2009, 12:46 AM   #3
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Somewhere toward the back of that book, the author talks about why the abused person is in the relationship, and why they feel like they love that person. I recommend that you read that part, too.

You're doing the right thing by staying away from this person. The best thing you could now is to change your phone number. It's the only thing that's going to give you any peace of mind.

Make no mistake about it - this man will absolutely destroy you and your life. Read that again because I'm not kidding. He will make your life a living hell if you let him back into your life. I'm not just saying those words because they look good on the screen. I mean it. He will ruin you. And the longer you stay connected to him, the harder it will be to pull away. Just look at the hold this relationship has on you and you've only been with him a year. It doesn't get any better or easier. If you go back, things will be far worse than they ever were before.

Please wake up as to the real monster you're dealing with here. I used to focus on the goodness that I saw in my ex - and yes there was a part of him that was good and kind - but, he was too damaged to maintain it for very long and I finally realized that I wasn't responsible for his behavior, and that I had a responsibility to myself and my son not to allow someone like this in my life. Listen to the words your ex is saying to you - they're all about threats, they're all about playing on your fears, they're all about you doing what he wants you to do or else, they're all about 'my way or the highway'. Love does not speak like this. Love does not look like this. This is obsession in its worst form. Stop buying into this crap and move on without a backward glance. This man is your worst nightmare.
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Old 15th December 2009, 1:05 AM   #4
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thank you so much angel and sugarmomma!! as i've said before this really helps me. hearing these things from someone that really doesn't even know me is really helpful!! i will keep you posted and please feel free to message me with advice anytime!!!
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Old 15th December 2009, 1:15 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BB07 View Post
After a couple of months you will not believe the peace that you will have in your heart because you aren't dealing with someone who does a mind f*** on you everyday.
OMG!!!!! I have never heard it said any better than this!!!
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Old 15th December 2009, 2:34 PM   #6
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thank you thank you thank you everyone....i have not contacted him...although today i got a text from him saying how sorry he was for being mean yesterday.....he loves me...ugh!! i did not respond
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Old 15th December 2009, 3:46 PM   #7
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Here's a link to another site that has very insightful articles that will
help you to understand what you've been through.Hope it helps.

If you can, try to visualize that every day that passes without you communicating with him.........

.........................you get just a little bit stronger......

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/ran...or/manip.shtml
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Old 15th December 2009, 4:45 PM   #8
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thank you thank you thank you everyone....i have not contacted him...although today i got a text from him saying how sorry he was for being mean yesterday.....he loves me...ugh!! i did not respond
Yeah, he loves you so much that he would make your daughter disappear and remove you from all of your family and friends. Then he'd torment you until one day you looked in the mirror and had no memory of who you used to be. Right. His version of love and the rest of the sane world's version differs quite a bit.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that this overt drama and obsessivness means love. It simply means that you've got a psycho in your life and you need to extract him from it for good. But there's a part of you that wants this kind of attention, there's a part of you that makes excuses for his threats, there's a part of you that's ok with the things he says and does. That's the part to focus on - yourself, not him. And then once you decide that you don't want this drama king in your life anymore and that you deserve so much better, you won't put up with the phone calls and text messages anymore, and you'll do whatever it takes to make them stop.
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Old 16th December 2009, 11:55 AM   #9
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You are very much doing the right thing here. It's takes soo much courage.. so be very proud of that. No one deserves abuse of any kind. Always remember that. Best wishes.

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Old 16th December 2009, 12:00 PM   #10
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he is being so cunning right now.....last night he called me when he was so so wasted...and he was driving his sisters car....i talked to his sister and we went and took her car back...without him knowing.....today he is trying to contact me non-stop (prob because he has no car and i do..HA) wants me to come over, says we can make this work...and i i dont respond to his texts...he says "i guess you don't care,later" UGH!! he is pulling at my heart strings.....
i can't change my number...cause if i do i have to buy a whole new phone..i can't do that right now....so i just don't answer...or respond to texts. now he just left a vm saying how much he loves me..people make mistakes..we can make this work....HELP ME YOU GUYS!!!!
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Old 16th December 2009, 12:55 PM   #11
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I don't see why you'd have to get a whole new phone just by changing your phone number but whatever. Then stop reading his texts and stop listening to his messages. Just delete them. If he cons you into going back, things will be far worse than ever before. I hope you know that.

These guys ALL do the same things - call when they're drunk, act like they can't live without you, use common phrases like 'everybody makes mistakes' or 'we can work it out baby' to downplay their insanity, and minimize the things they've said and done. He's not doing anything different than any of these other abusive guys do. Nothing new under the sun. The same old games.

And while you're sitting there suffering, he's laughing smugly at how dumb you are to even listen to him because he knows it opens the door for him. He's laughing because you haven't told him to go away and never contact you again. He's laughing at how good he is at these games and how he's going to destroy you the minute he gets a chance. You cannot conceive of the evil in his mind because you don't think like him. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Everything he says to you is a lie - except for the threats. Those are very real.
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Old 16th December 2009, 1:37 PM   #12
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thank you angel...i need to hear your reassurance...i do..cause im weak...but getting stronger....he's saying all he'll do is drink if he doesn't have me....he has nothing to live for if he doesn't have me.....i am thinking from you and from reading these are all just things he is saying to get me back into his web. AND he is blatenting lying to me...cause i asked him why he isn't working today..he said there was no work today...then he said he needs my car tomorrow...i said why don't you use car you always use? he said...well...my sister needs it....LIE!! geesh!! now he wants to go to aa if i go with him? i want him to get the help...but i don't know...

i have a cricket phone...so i think i have to get a new phone to change number...but i'll check into it futher...thx
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Old 16th December 2009, 2:10 PM   #13
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su, i hope u think more about yourself in this sitaution. sometimes abused women keep going back to men like this because they are addicted to the drama. You don't need to go to an aa meeting, he does. let him get the help he needs on his own. if you are the reason he starts to get help, you will be the reason he relapses. please i can't begin tell you how messed up i am still from being with an abuser. The abuse effects your self worth and self esteem for years to come. You have to guess at what normal behavior is because you have been experiencing erratic crazy behavior for so long.

i am trying my hardest to stay away from this sweet guy who had a tendency to be hurtful, mean spirited and careless of my feelings. It is so difficult because they can be the most caring and kind people in the world one minute and then the next treat you like sh*t. I am doing good going complete NC. Nobody is going to treat me like that again. He triggered a lot of my abuse issues after all these years of being out of abusive relationships. I hadn't had anyone to push my boundaries on purpose with a motive to hurt me. I deserve a real healthy relationship with a healthy man.

it is hard but i have to go nc because he just makes me so sad and I finally want to be happy. also while you are reading that book check out this site. this woman is awesome.

http://lifemadesimple.typepad.com/ab...uth_about.html

Last edited by sugarmomma; 16th December 2009 at 2:14 PM..
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Old 16th December 2009, 7:36 PM   #14
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now he wants to go to aa if i go with him? i want him to get the help...but i don't know...
You don't know??? This one should be easy - let him fix himself. He is - yet again - saying whatever it takes to get you back. He's out-and-out lying to you ,and you know it, yet you still find this acceptable. And I can save you the suspense, with ten yrs of full-time, 8-5, one-on-one couch therapy, he still wouldn't be fixed. Does that give you any idea at all as to how screwed up these guys are?

Please don't even consider going anywhere with him. You need to tell him that he absolutely cannot use your car because the two of you aren't together anymore - just in case he's too stupid to notice that. And the next time he tells you that he will drink all the time because he has nothing to live for without you, you might want to tell him that he's welcome to drink himself into oblivion - it's his body and his choice, just like screwing up the relationship was his responsibility and choice.
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Old 16th December 2009, 9:38 PM   #15
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girls!! you are awesome!! your advice is awesome and helps me get stronger!! i know i sound so stupid and pathetic sometimes...it's just this is one of the hardest things i've ever done......
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