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boyfriend hits himself during arguments


soconfused01

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soconfused01

hello again all,

 

I've made a lot of posts here about my crap relationship, most ending with a resounding 'dump him' response. I get it and I'd have the same advice if it weren't me. but I'm not there yet- so hopefully you all won't mind me asking for advice to deal with the situation I'm in, instead of leaving it, stupid as it sounds.

 

I haven't been interested in having sex with my boyfriend recently because I don't feel sexually validated. I've told him this and at first he took it well but now, not so much. He tries to have sex with me and gets upset when I don't want to. Or, if I give in, accuses me of using him when i'm horny (even though I'm not ever horny anymore).

 

Last night he came home really drunk and woke me for sex and I told him I didn't want to have sex but I did reciprocate kissing him. He kept on and I said no and he got really upset and started hitting himself in the crotch, hard, saying "gotta keep it down!" over and over. (he's hit himself in the head during arguements before) He would then alternate between calling me names and trying again to have sex. Eventually he said soon I wouldn't have to put up with him and started banging his head against the wall. He has a previous brain injury where another injury could kill him, so I took that to mean he was threatening suicide. I made him get in bed and eventually go to sleep after rejecting sex another two times.

 

Now, I know that I didn't do anything wrong last night but I feel really guilty that he feels so rejected sexually so much that it makes him want to hurt himself. I completely empathize with him, not to say his actions were correct. I know it is hurting him very badly that I don't want to have sex and sometimes I think I should just give in all the time, but that doesn't feel right. I simply don't want to have sex, but I do love him and want to work on our emotional relationship. I try to tell him that desire will come after that but he says we are moving backward, not forward. Ideally I would want him to see a counselor but he doesn't have health insurance. I know that I am definitely going to demand he stop drinking, but it doesn't happen only when he's drunk

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LucreziaBorgia
I simply don't want to have sex

 

For him, wanting sex with him = you loving him

 

For you, wanting emotional stuff with you = him loving you

 

Both of you have to compromise. If you refuse to have sex, then he shouldn't have to show you any emotional support. Its only fair.

 

Honestly, I don't think you belong together at all. You withhold sex, and he is passive aggressive. I'm not sure why you feel your relationship has a future.

 

I see that you have plenty of demands of him, but what are you offering him in exchange?

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busy_married_student

my ex went to a sex counselor and said it helped a lot, especially the book he was told to read. (he also has a head injury)

maybe your bf could go to a counselor just once at least be refferred to some resources.

 

You shouldn't have to have sex if you don't want to. Also waking you up to have sex - not a good plan if you are like most women who require at least a little effort/time to become aroused and want sex.

 

my ex told me he felt a failure as a man because he wasn't pleasing me in bed. I haven't read your past posts, but has your boyfriend "done his research"? does he know how to make you happy with sex? Can you teach him?

would doing something enjoyable together, spending time, work on the emotional side of the relationship for enough that day that you would feel attracted to him?

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  • 1 month later...

Self injury behaviour can be due to feelings of inadequecy, the person hits themself during an argument, because they want to punish themself for the pain they have caused you, they aren't good enough. It could also be due to experiencing unbearable emotional pain during an argument, they will hit themselves to produce physical pain, to detract from the emotional pain. There are various causes of self injury, sometimes someone will have been raised in an emotionally abusive enviroment. The fact that your partner is only displaying these SI behaviours during times of feeling inadequate, ie: he doesn't understand why you don't want sex, to him he feels you don't love him, he's not good enough and during arguments suggests rather than a pattern of SI this is an emotional response to how you raise issues in your relationship, as well as his unbringing. For further info have a look around the web, there's lots of info and advice on this.

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